Beliefnet
The Bliss Blog

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Today, my friend Kristin Pedemonti, who is known as a storyteller,  writer and  up-lifter  of spirits, and who, like me, creates FREE Hugs events, dyes her hair vibrant colors (hers is pink and mine is purple) was showing off her new tattoo on her Facebook page. She is one of those ‘not-yet-met-but-recognized each other-right-away friends.’ We live a few hours away, but it turns out that there was a time when likely no more than 30 minutes separated us. Kristin is a world traveler who scatters joy wherever she goes. I look forward to meeting her hug to hug soon.

Although I wouldn’t get body art myself, since I am a pain wimp who is now on blood thinners, (I have had henna tattoo embellishment), I told her that I needed to have the message that is imprinted on her arm tattooed on my heart. One of my perseverative thoughts is that I am not enough and by extension, what I experience in my life is lacking.

Since I am writing this on the Jewish holiday of Passover, I am mindful of the word ‘dayenu’ which in Hebrew, translates to”enough” and is part of the Passover Seder. It references the idea that had God freed the Jews from slavery in Egypt, it “would have been sufficient.” and had God fed them manna in the desert as they wandered to the Promised Land, “it would have been sufficient,” and so on. In my life, I need to recall that I am enough, have enough and do enough.

As I was contemplating this concept, I allowed to run through my mind the myriad things I am grateful for that include: family, friends, health, a beautiful home, a Jeep that gets me where I need to go, money in the bank, work that I love, marketable skills, opportunities showing up daily, new friends that appear in my life all the time and more love than I can take in. I will be traveling and teaching in the next few months, having all kinds of exciting adventures. And yet…..there is this lingering longing for something more. A feeling of disconnect. It has been with me for as long as I can remember. A sense of insatiability. It creeps into my brain and wraps around it like choking vines that threaten to suffocate my synapses. Pretty graphic, I know…but who am I to question the Muse when she plants images in my mind? Wondering how to quell it, other than to return to a focus on appreciation for what is already present.  I tell myself that there are those who are alone, bereft of support, living in squalor, without any hope for a better future, so what do I have to complain about? It is that existential ‘homesickness for God’ that I have heard spoken about. There are times when I experience transcendent emotions that loft me above the mucking around in the mire that I sometimes find myself in. Messy human emotions, they are.

One thing that helps me through this, is lightheartedness and playfulness. Yesterday, as I was pulling up to the drive through at the bank, where I was making a deposit, I saw my friend Connie Keener through the window as she too was doing biz with the teller. We waved and smiled and then I blew a kiss which she caught and sent back. When the teller turned around and greeted me, I told her that Connie might have been blowing the kiss at her too. She then asked if the last time I was there, I had sent a feather through when I returned the envelope in which she had placed my money. I told her that I had indeed and when she asked the reason for it, I shared that I am a clown whose character is a faerie named Feather, that it reminds me of the concept in one of my favorite movies:  Forrest Gump in which the feather is like a character that wafts about and has me questioning whether things happen by chance or on purpose. I prefer to see them as occurring by Divine design. It also encourages people to lighten up. I give them out at my presentations and some people (like the teller who told me that she kept it at her work station) who have attended several, keep them nearby. One woman told me she had taken hers on a road trip with her and it had visited several states. Since I keep some in my car, I handed her another one..because you can never have too many. She smiled and asked if there was anything else she could do for me. As I always do, I told her that she could deposit a million dollars in my account. I figure it doesn’t hurt to ask. She told she would get right on it. Since I believe in setting intention, I know that anything is possible. Including accepting that I AM ENOUGH!

 

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