On this chilly Fall-in-beautiful-Bucks County, PA morning, I am pondering the way of my life and the path it is taking; sometimes meandering and winding, sometimes certain and focused on where I want to go. I still consider whether it is inner or outer directed, random or pre-planned before I took my first wailing breath 55 years ago. I gaze over my shoulder at the steps that I have taken to arrive at this point and marvel at the “Who thought this one up?” scenarios and the players on the stage with me. Sometimes knowing laughter ensues, sometimes soul-tearing tears. These days, I don’t know which will emerge…waiting on the precipice, about to tumble over. Will I make it a swan dive or belly flop? How graceful can I be and if not, how will I have fun as I soar in free flight?
I have been in letting go mode, surrendering what I thought made me who I am. Those tender places that I have covered over with layers of boo-boo band-aids that I now need to remove so that the wounds can breathe. The choice, as always, is whether to peel them back tentatively or just 1-2-3 rip ’em off, praying that ‘skin’ doesn’t come off with them. What I used to take for granted, the moments of unconscious, operating beneath the surface programming, is now showing itself to be erroneous. I am learning to accept what was unfathomable before. I am allowing for those emotions that felt terrifying to show themselves for what they are…ebb and flow…here and there, then and now moment to moment IS. Still, as much as I teach this, I feel ill at ease with my blood and guts, muck and mire human-ness. As often as I have been expressing lately a willingness to live vulnerably, emotionally nakedly, I am feeling like an actor on stage, craving the spotlight and simultaneously wanting to hide in the wings and observe the characters interacting with each other.
I also consider that ever present Hansel and Gretel Breadcrumb Trail that I speak and write about often. This week, it linked two people in my life who may never have met otherwise. One came into my life 20 some years ago and another nearly 3 years ago. One was in need of support and the other in a position to offer it. One had driven cross country to begin a new job and new life and in conversation while en route we had discussed the possibility of another ending occurring imminently. Within a few days it had. That necessitated reaching out to one who flies world wide and could assist with getting him home to his family in their time of loss. My constant question is whether I met her in 2010, so that in 2013, she could be the angel in his life, as she has been in my life.
That same theme runs through the rest of my life. Do we attract people daily, or over time so that we can create meaning, mischief and magic? This past weekend, I met new friends who are traveling a similar path and asking those same eternal questions. Grateful to gather more tribal members each day who engage in soul planning.
http://youtu.be/hWuSrc53QL4 Soul Singing by The Black Crowes