In the spirit of Columbus Day, I thought I’d discuss what we’re doing over at Group Beyond Blue (in Beliefnet’s community, or social networking site) because in my role as moderator of the group of more than 1,000 members, I am feeling a bit like Columbus.

I have no idea where I’m headed.

I have never moderated such a large support group, and certainly not one online where the communication is challenged by the lack of nonverbal clues. What one person intends to be a playful gesture is taken as an insult by the recipient because he can’t see the loving expression on the person’s face as he is writing.

The other day, when there was some disruption and hostile emotions in the group, I sat down and began to strategize. In order to honor the boundaries that I have just recently erected around my work, I knew that I needed some sort of system to be able to give to the members of the group my energy and attention within the limited time that I have to devote to the group.

The situation, it seemed to me, resembled that of David’s school. There is one teacher for 31 first graders. That’s a lot of little people for one adult. I have been spying a little bit to make sure that her classroom isn’t mayhem. But when I looked at them all sitting there, behaving perfectly, at a church service the other day, I said to her: “I don’t get it. I can’t do that with one kid, not to mention 31 of them.”

“Structure,” she said. “Lots of structure. And setting expectations from the start.”

So, inspired by this logic and by the guidelines a few of the Group Beyond Blue members laid out for themselves–especially Mel, Bob, and Melissa–I penned these 10 guidelines for our group. Here they are:

1. This is a support group. First and foremost. Yes, some debate on topics is allowed, but if anyone feels the tension rising on the board, he or she says this simple word (and in caps): SUPPORT. That will be our reminder, that our first priority is support, and that if any comments are jeopardizing that, we need to tone it down.

2. If anyone feels offended, put down, or ticked off by a fellow member’s comment, then she/he should first e-mail that person. He should explain why she was hurt. One of the things I’m learning in counseling is that I don’t have to worry about anyone’s feelings until they tell me that I hurt them. ASSUMPTIONS ARE THE TERMITES OF RELATIONSHIPS. Let’s try to have as few of them as possible.

3. If the conflict can’t be resolved on that level, write me an e-mail. Lord knows I don’t have excellent boundaries either, but I will try to help the twosome or threesome or whatever come to some resolution. But BEFORE YOU COME TO ME, please try to work it out among yourselves.

4. The first of every month is going to be HOUSEKEEPING time. I will post a thread on BB called “Month Housekeeping” in which you have an opportunity to say what’s working and what’s not. I’m open to suggestions. Absolutely. However, I have to act within the expectations that my editors give me too. And I want to try to bother them as infrequently as possible, because I know Holly’s plate is even fuller than mine.

5. My office hours. Yes, I’m giving you office hours: Thursday mornings from 9:30 to 10:30. I commit to being in the group at that time to hash out anything we need to then. If I can’t make those, I will come up with another hour during the week that you know I will be online. Maybe I will call this “Morning with newbies and other members.”

6. If Group Beyond Blue is not meeting your needs. If you and a fellow member cannot come to a resolution, or you need to be in a private group, a smaller group, a group with no religion, etc., then please feel free to form your own group. I am not and will not be offended if you do so. I set up BB to help people, so if it isn’t helping, then by all means, do what you need to do. I know this sounds strange but I encouraged fellow BBers to start their own groups. Why? Because I know what I’m capable of providing. If they need something more, they should get it elsewhere.

7. Every month I will also set up a monthly newbie thread. I will read this every day. I will try my best. That way I can check in with newbies. If they start another thread somewhere else, I’ll try to get to it, but I’m only committing to the one I start at the beginning of each month.

8. I do have a committee of five readers. They have volunteered to read over the newbie thread in case I miss it, and other threads and tell me if something needs attention. Again, they volunteered. This is not an elite system, where I selected them. (however I am very grateful for their time). They are Tio, Kate (Deep Within), Kelly, Doxieman (Larry), Plaidypus (Tamara). If any of you want to be on the committee, please let me know.

9. If any of you would like warm-fuzzy letters, please let any of us (Kate, Kelly, Larry, Tamara, Tio) know, and we will do that. Or, let Mel know that you need some warm fuzzies, and she will start a thread, which has been really successful.

10. One more guideline, in Mel’s words: that if you disagree with a matter of opinion, that you do so respectfully and not minimize a member’s intelligen
ce or integrity. And again, if anyone feels that, what is our word? SUPPORT (capital letters please).

Okay, now that I have laid that out, I feel like I’m ready to teach a classroom of 31 kids. Not. But you get my point: let’s make this work within what we have. And if it can’t and doesn’t for you, I wish you the best and I’m happy that we were on the journey together for a little while.

I suppose the difference in my disposition today and three years ago, when I stuck in the pit of the Black Hole, is that I am now excited by a new adventure–like this one, of moderating such a large support group. Three years ago, I didn’t have the confidence to try. And when I did, the panic took over.

Today being Columbus provides me with opportunities to grow spiritually and emotionally.

What about you? What is your newest adventure?

To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.