Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue


Mothering When You Are Depressed

posted by Beyond Blue

As I sit down to write my Mother’s Day post, I am filled with both tears and goose bumps.

Yesterday at the park I talked to a fellow preschool mom in length about her father, who left for a loaf of bread when she was one year old, and never came back. He had many breakdowns, was hospitalized about 20 times, and was eventually treated for bipolar disorder. The family has never discussed it. She only knows all this because as a young child she found the divorce papers and read them. Now she worries about the genes that predispose not only herself and her siblings to mental illness, but also her children.

I hugged her, feeling a piece of her pain, and trying to keep from tearing up (it’s been awhile since I’ve cried at the park!), as I looked at David climbing the ladder to the big slide. How I wish I could protect this little boy of mine from the torment of mental illness. I am so afraid for him because he (more than Katherine who luckily got Eric’s brain) seems to have inherited my fragile chemistry and acute sensitivity. I want him to be happy more than I want just about anything else in my life.

Then, just a minute ago, I read the very moving message from reader Elemgee on the “If You Can Dream” post, about growing up with a mother who suffered from a severe, clinical depression, but was undiagnosed at the time–and about how she and her siblings would sit in their living room next to the stereo speakers, singing along to the refrain “you are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here!” based on the poem “Desiderata” I posted a few days ago.



“We kids were isolated from many of our next-door-neighbor peers,” Elemgee wrote, “mostly because their own mothers kept them from playing with us. They got together and talked about our mom, making fun of our house being so messy, her occasional alcoholic episodes during the day, her late night suicide attempts and subsequent hospitalizations. Then the kids would get on the school bus with us and repeat their insults, taunting us in public, humiliating and shaming us for something over which we had no control.

“The truth was, we were often terrified when our mother acted out, and sometimes we even hated her for being so different, but when others picked on her, it was one of the most painful things in our lives, because we knew that deep down inside, she loved us and was trying to be a good mom.”

Now that I reread it, I am in full-blown tears.

So much suffering. In the midst of so much love.

I cry because I’ve been the scared child, wanting more than anything to stop my mom’s tears and pain…and I’ve been the mother sitting on a little boy’s bed, bawling my eyes out, not being able to stop, and hearing him say (as he plays with his toy cars) that I am in the back of his little police car, because that’s where they put the bad guys.

“Why am I bad?” I asked him.

“Because you cry so much.”

“But….”

But what? How can you possibly explain severe, clinical depression to a three-year-old boy who wants a stable, cheery mommy–one that can take him to the park without breaking into tears behind a tree, or miss his great karate achievement because she had to bolt to the restroom and let her body shake with anxiety like a woman with severe Parkinson’s.

How I wish I could take back that time–the two years between his third and fifth birthday–and replace it with nothing but happy memories of my son and me at the park playing, shooting basketballs, coloring Spider Man coloring books, filling the driveway with colored-chalk drawings.

But I can’t go back, I can only go forward–and work at this sanity thing as best I can with all the tools provided to me (medication, therapy, cognitive-behavioral techniques, plenty of light, exercise, a healthy diet, regular sleep, supportive friends, helping other depressives, writing Beyond Blue, knowing my limitations).

I have to stay well. For myself. For Eric. For Katherine. But especially for little David.



  • http://HASH(0xcf00768) Peg

    And you will, Therese. Happy Mother’s Day. Your posts help me more than you will ever know. God bless you.

  • http://HASH(0xcf00e98) Phyllis

    Thanks, for your post. I to suffer from depression to…to the point I just don’t want to enjoy life anymore. I live for my children because they need me. I did before I was in an auto accicent that left me partial disability in my left arm and nerve damage. Going from a strong woman to being chronic pain is a hard pill to swallow. Your post gives me some hope. I will overcome what I am going through.

  • Anonymous

    Therese, I am your Guardian Angel’s sister and today would have been our mother’s 95th birthday. Reading your blog brought tears to my eyes on so many levels. You are an amazing woman just as my sister is. I am so proud of both of you.

  • Janet

    Therese, I too, suffer from the pain of depression along with you! I have this beautiful child, so full of life and at times all I want to do is stay in bed. My prayers are with you, I so felt your pain when I read your story. Thanks for your story, I don’t feel so alone right this minute because of you!

  • Michelle

    Therese, Wow The Story You Have To Tell. I do as well.atleast you are at a point that you can relate and understand to your precious son.i am a single mother of 3. they are my devotion,my joy,my desire.they carry so much of my weight it is so un-fair.as a mother @ 31 yrs. of age i at times truley have to go to them for advice and direction,because my deppression,put’s me in such fear of failling them again.they are 15- in nov./12- in june/10-in dec.. 15 & 12 are boys 10 yr old is a lil girl.and wow the tears she has allowed me to cry on her strong shoulder’s.so you see therese,i thrive for the day that i carry there weight as i should,that i relate and understand,them as they struggle so hard to understand me. my point in this is so that you may see there is always worse…and to reach out for prayer for myself and my precious precious rocks.
    thank you,
    michelle

  • Donna Marie

    Thanks for all of your posts; you are a source of strength for me.
    My children are 26, 28, and 30 yrs.old. I went thru the horrible
    lay-abed days, the depression, the “good” days when we went to the
    park, and do you know what? None of my children remembers any of
    it, good or bad! I was hospitalized twice, once after childbirth,
    and another a few years later. I made a suicide attempt in my
    eighth month of carrying my second child, as I was so depressed
    I couldn’t open my eyelids that morning. Later in life, he too
    was hospitized twice. I felt so dredfully horrible, knowing I
    had passed the depression on to him. Yet, as much as he messes
    up his life, he stays afloat; he doesn’t succumb to the depression.
    (He fishes and then throws his catch back into the water! I think
    he gets to think and pray quietly to stay on an even keel.) I HAD
    to leave them when they were 8, 10, and 12. I HAD to get better to
    be a functional person and Mom. Their Dad was out on disability,
    so he was home with them most of the time. He read to them every
    night before they fell asleep. And guess what? They don’t remember
    THAT either! We do our best to shape our children, and we live with
    the guilt. And, we DO get better. I just hope that my children will
    get better, too. As it is now, none of them are married and all are
    deadset against it for themselves. I pray for them, what else can I do?

  • Binita

    Thanks for the story. Its funny how you can walk around being depressed,functioning everyday,so you think, acting as if you have this parenting thing under control, when it all actuality, you feel as you are running the race against time, and still feel as though you are not getting anywhere. For me, from your story I really see I need to seek professional help because if not, there is no hope for my teenage children who want deperately to help their mother but have no clue how to first help themselves. The ironic thing, is their mother feels the same, knowing there are things they need but have no clue how to give them. My philosphy is one must first love themselves in order to begin to understand to love someone else. God help us all. I’ll keep you in prayer. Stay strong and may God help us all.

  • monique A

    i suffer from bi-polar and chronic depression with manic attacks that come alot since my mom passed last year because of the fault of the hospital i have 4 kids and i feel real bad sometimes because it seems as if the fun we use to have has stopped because of my disability and i dont no what to do sometimes i feel as if i’m not loved by them anymore because of this i thought that i was the only one in this world that had this disabilty and i felt so alone not being able to talk to anyone that would understand how i felt inside so i stayed in my room alone all the time and listened to gospal cds after i had taken cvare of all there needs it a real lonely place to be without some one to tal;k to who understands your story has lefted me up a lot and i dont feel so alone anymore now that i no that i’m not alone and that there is some one out there that does no what i’m feeling and that i’m not alone THANKS FOR YOUR STORY IT HELP ME ALOT TO COPE!!!!!!!!!!

  • Kat

    I am very greatful to all who have shared.
    I too suffer with bi polar disorder and it is a very painful disorder for my family and my children. My daughters are grown now but they do not hold the past against me (I had times would I would yell and be somewhat hateful sounding ,then cry my eyes out at what I had said.)
    My sweet husband has also experienced this. I have learned that proper diet and sleep and just staying organized helps to ease some of the frustrations with this disorder and always follow Doctor’s orders.
    I cannot take back the the hurt I caused so I give it to the Lord and I try to be as nice and helpful as I can to my family when I am feeling good and avoid them (and they know why) when I do not feel good
    I pray we can all overcome our disorders and move on.
    Each day is a new day.

  • Anonymous

    Years ago when I was participating in an “Adult Children of Alcoholics ” Group therapy session, I took part in a guided visualization to find my little girl. To my amazement, i actually found her, braids and all, sitting on the back step (cowering, actually) as she listened to her mother and father have obe of their frequent arguments about (what else?) HER! I was able to comfort that little girl and assure her that it was the rile she had been assigned in the family (SCAPEGOAT) that was the root of the arguments rather than something inherently wrong with her as an individual. I cannot tell you the relief the adult me felt as i listened to myself tell my inner child what she’d needed to hear nearly a quarter of a century sooner! It was especially amazing because until that moment I had very little if any memory of my childhood as is true of many adult children. I remembered hearing the stories about my younger years, but had no recollection of the actual day-to-day-living until that day. The idea of purchasing a doll to represent that little girl seems to be a logical next step, so THANK YOU! In spite of that long ago breakthrough, parenting the little girl inside myself remains a constant daily battle because as we all know, the negatives are like dogs with a bone; they fight to keep their teeth sunk into our psyches even though we’re now full-grown adults! I’m going doll shopping and can’t wait to find myself! I also started a new section in my journal tonight which is letters to the little girl telling her the kinds of things I made a point of telling my son and step-son when I was trying to raise them with self-esteem! In one of them I even pretended to be my mother, who did her best to circumvent my father’s “brainwasing” She’s been gone twenty years now, but it was fairly easy for me to assume her loving personna, and it felt good to write the things I can remember her saying to me. What a great idea the whole doll thing was for me– a real springboard! And (my apologies to your hubby, Therese, but the only person who will have any say over my doll’s appearance will be ME! After all, she’s going to represent me, and if i’m satisfied with her, isn’t that the whole objective? Of course, I realize that’s easy for me to say since my husband is long gone, but haven’t we all had EBOUGH experience with others judging our little child inside?

  • charlote

    I have three children, 14, 11 and 8. They are quite active and know the importance of making good grades. My husband and I put too much pressure on them. The house is filled with tension. I have a stress in the back of my neck that won’t go away. I find it difficult to get daily tasks done. I look forward to bed time.
    I am very thankful for the strong faith that I have – prayer helps me alot. I seem to receive the perfect emails from you on the day it really relates. Thank you for this web site!

  • eric

    I am deathfly afraid that I will pass on my depression to my child. Is this a certainty or can the child avoid inheriting it?

  • Pat

    I’m not sure if I am suffering from depression or not. I do know that my sad days seem to outweigh my happy days. I feel unloved since my mother and father passed away, and have remained in an abusive relationship for over 22 years due to low self esteem. So far, I feel like my entire life has been worthless.

  • Cathy

    Everyone has problems, such as it goes. I lost my husband 2 months ago and have a 15 year daughter who is his stepdaughter, but the loss is very had. We have a very hard time trying to make it, but we remind each other that thank God we have each other. Any that Daddy would not want us to give up on live. We wish you the best and will keep you in our prayers. I know I have to go on because it it not right for the kids to have to loose everything.

  • m

    If I knew then, what I know now – inherited disease, I’m not sure I would have had children.
    There is alcoholism and mood disorders on both sides of the family and we have passed the alcoholism and some for of the mood disorder to our youngest and the mood disorder to our oldest.
    I asked God every day to help me be a good Mom. They are both adults now, married, one with 4 children.
    I pray, that by the time my granddaughters are showing any signs of this dis-ease, that the medical people have better meds. for them. Prevention would be ideal.

  • Phyllis Tuzi

    I have been married 3 years (my 2nd time) My marriage has been awful since day 1. My husband was unable to have sex ( I really didn’t know). He also was an alcoholic. I got married in August and had a temporary restraing order put on him in Nov. I moved out withmy 12 year old. I stayed out a year and a half. I move back him. My husband got counseling. I moved in in March and in August of the same year, I was issued a permanent restraining order. My husband tried to strangle me. Recently, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I live in his house and he must pay me $150 a week toward the mortgage. This is court ordered. He is so resentful because he has to pay this. He is constantly calling me up and asking for help. The psychiatrist and minister say that he must work out things on his own, but my husband is constantly calling and requesting help. Sometimes he appears relatively normal other times he curses me out. Any suggestions would be helpful.

  • Anonymous

    Iam a mother 2 CHILDREN ONE FEMALE AND THE OTHER MALE. MY DAUGHTER IS HANDLING MY ISSUES A LITTLE BETTER THAN I. I WANT HER TO KNOW THAT I AM SORRY FOR SENDING THEM THROUGH SOME OF THE THINGS I WENT THROUGH .AS WELL AS MY AUNT AND UNCLES WHEN THEY WERE CHILDREN WE HAD AN AUNT WHOM SUFFERED FROM DEPRESSION AND IT WAS HARD THEY HARD TO GIVE HER TOTAL CARE . THATS WHAT REALLY SCARES ME WHEN I GO THROUGH THE QUESTION IS THAT , WILL I BECOME SO OVERWHELMED WITH ME THAT I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO DO WHAT I NEED TO DO FOR MY CHILDREN. KNOWING THAT THIS IS A GENERATIONAL CURSE I WANT TO BREAK IT, IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM WORHTLESS .KNOWING WITH EVERYTHING IN ME THAT I AM CHILD OF GOD AND THAT HE HAS GIVEN ME THE STRENTH TO ENDURE.EVEN AT TIMES WHEN I FEEL I CANT GO ON AND I MUST BECAUSE I KNOW GOD HAS GIVEN ME A JOB TO DO BUT IN THAT TIME IT IS SO HARD TO SEE CLEARLY WHAT IT IS HE HAS ASKED OF ME OTHER THAN TO BE A GREAT MOM AND PERSON TO OTHERS.I MUST GET CONTROL OF MY ISSUE BEFORE IT CONTROLS ME

  • Susana Skaugset Wren

    Excellent article.. We live is such a fragile world.. The word ‘dysfunctional’ is almost laughable..For..what is exactly functional?? We can only do our best and leave the rest up to God.. Having God on our side makes all the difference in the world.. Having a support group/system is so important..like this blog..and the consistent people here..Knowing what a problem is..is halfway to solving the problem.. Being proactive about depression can only be a positive thing to do..

  • Becki

    I have read thousands of blog posts in my life, but few have touched me like this one. I, too, have struggled with depression, and I, too, have a boy who seems to have inherited my temperament and disposition. When I feel myself going into “the bad place,” I embark on a course of militant self-care: caring for myself as thoroughly and lovingly as I would do for my dearest friend. It’s taken me years to admit that I must do whatever is necessary–medicine, therapy, whatever–to keep myself as healthy and strong as possible.

  • The BB Community

    ((((((((((((((((((((Congratulations, Becki!))))))))))))))))))))

  • The BB Community

    ((((((((((((((( Congratulations, Susana Skaugset Wren)))))))))))))))
    PS:
    Did you and Becki write your letters together. :-)

  • The BB Community

    ((((((((((((((((((To The First OP:AKA: A Child Of God!!!)))))))))))))))))
    Never, Ever Forget That!
    We don’t….

  • JO

    THE PRAYER OF TODAY, WAS BEAUTIFUL!! THANK YOU

  • Ariana

    I grew up living w/an uncle that had bipolar disorder-and at times I was embarassed when my friends would come over and he would have “an episode” in front of company… However now that I am an adult, I have a better understanding of the disease and the effect it had on my uncle-that his actions while off his meds were out of his control n never w/intent to hurt me or any other member of our family/friend circle. In fact, I am now the wife of a man who was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My experience with my uncle enables me to see past my husband’s disease n see all of his good qualities n the potential he has if he stays on his meds. More importantly, I help him realize he has worth that he can tap into if he consistently takes his medications. It’s as if God put my uncle in my life to “groom me” for this task later on. Although it isn’t easy n it made growing up in a small community tougher than it was for all the “average kids”,it gave me a thick skin that doesn’t make me cave to peer pressure, turn my back on my ideals, or judge myself by any one else’s measuring stick. I know that environment can scar a child, but I thought u might like to hear the benefit it can bring too, once ignorance is fought n overcome. Thanx for letting me share this with u all.

  • Tricia

    Ariana,
    What a wonderful, uplifting message for All of Us! Thank you for sharing!!

  • Margaret Balyeat

    Therese:
    One of the plusses of having your child grown is discovering that th negative memories seem to be far less “forgettable” than the happy ones are in his selective memory. It’s not my depressions he most remembers, it’s the efforts I made to give him the positive self-esteem I lacked, the little “have I told you today how special you Are? moments and the example he saw me set in terms of reaching out to and serving others, the Thanksgiving Day dinners delivered to ill neighbors, the always available “listening ear when a friend needed one, and the pride he felt visiting my classroom on occasion and seeing me in my “professional persona”. He also is quick to recall my involvementin/concern with his own education and the fact that hia=s friends always felt welcome in our home. My guess is that you’ve given David many of THOSE kinds of memories as well Never forget that compassion is a LEARNED reaction, and David has had a PLETHORA of learning experiences in THAT area. There have been many times that I’ve playr=ed”remember when” games with Ryan tonly to discover he DOESN’T in terms of my weaker moments. What you’ve given BOTH your children is an example of a mother with strength of character and an abiding love for their fellow man. Although it would be nice for us if our kids never saw us in tears, I’m not convinced it would be best for them in the long run.Your kids know first-hand that difficulties can be overcome and that they are in charge of their own destinies! I know it’s been hard and not the childhood you would have chosen for them, but please don’t discount the “wonderfulness” David has learned at your feet. He’s been given a “toolbox” that kids with”normal”moms can only dream of giving their children! I’ve also had the reward of having different girlfriends through the years thank me for raising a son who isn’t hung up on “macho” to the point where he isinsensitive to their needs and/or moods. David will be FINE; I feel it in my bones! Love and blessings to you.

  • Richard

    Dear Therese
    Mother’s Day, 2008 was one I could have done without. On the Tuesday before Mother’s Day I left town to go be with my Mom as she was in the hospital with a nasty lung infection. Actually, that was Tuesday morning. I presumed that she would be in the hospital for several days because when you are 88, everything takes longer. By early Tuesday afternoon I was greeting her in her hospital room. Her first words to me stopped everything, “I’m dying.”
    And skipping the numerous and morbid details, she was giving me the unvarnished truth. In retrospect, my sister and the family think that there were early signs of something not being right but nobody spotted anything that made them think twice about it. It was ever so carefully hidden away.
    The disease was left to run its course and it finished the job at 12:44 AM on Mother’s Day. There were children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and a couple of the great-great-grandchildren. One great-granddaughter drove from Montana to western Washington just to help out for a couple of days. All in all, it was kind of an amazing experience, not one I had planned for or would want to do again. But being as I was there, caught up in the middle of everything, I got to see and hear some very special things. I think I will mostly have it behind me in a couple of years.

  • Carol Stearns

    My first visit to this post. I can’t believe the early birds on here. This morning in the wee hours, my husband took my mother-in-law to the hospital and they put her in the psychiatric ward. She seems normal in every way except she sees angels and demons and this has escalated into a huge problem. Last night, she came to stay with us instead of at her apartment. She is almost 89 and lives alone. We knew something was terribly wrong as she would never have done this, leaving her apartment to stay with us to get away from the demons. We had a pleasant evening watching dancing with the stars. WE all went to bed and not ten minutes later she was calling my husband’s name. She was standing in the hallway with her hands covering her eyes because the demons had followed her. She would not be alone in the room. I just stood there and hugged her. My husband took her to the hospital and didn’t get home until 4:00 this morning. Our life as we know it will be changed forever. I hope and pray it is not early dementia and there is some other medical reason for these hallucinations. These have been ongoing for 8 months or more and have steadily worsened to nightmarish figures.
    On the other hand, I have been clinically depressed for over ten years but with a handful of meds, my depression is under control. However, my psychiatrist died last weekend, suddenly. He was 59. I am searching for a new psychiatrist while my mother in law is being visited by her new psychiatrist. Surprisingly I am doing well. My business stinks in this economy, my daughter-in-law had a miscarriage, my psychiatrist died, my assistant has breast cancer, my partner’s husband has terminal brain cancer, and now this. I could sure use some prayers.

  • therapydoc

    Beautiful post, Therese. I tell people that as painful as it can be, they’re in with the real people, the ones that get it. And you’re telling others, which is so important.

  • janet

    I was so blessed beyond anything to read this, of all emails i found today. Yesterday,, i totally came “unglued”. I thought that when i when i went to see my therapist that i was not going to come back from THIS one. I ran into a lovely Christian woman,, and my day began to get better. I have found it absolutely true that when one is having good times, so to speak, that is when we less and less frequently call on God. But, through the beautiful witness of this lady i mt,, i realized, yet again,, that “with God all things are possible”,,but without Him we are nothing. He amazes me each time turmoil creeps into my life,, at my own doing sometimes,, that He is in control. I am a control type and i must surrender that to Him who created us,, He is our fortress and our buckler. He made these bodies in His image,, including our complicated brains. I just wanna let Him know that I love Him and am turning this over to Him,, i can not carry it alone anymore. Isn’t He wonderful? He loves us and has His own ways of reminding us that He is the only one that can give us peace. I just wanted to say,, I love you God. You sustain me. I thank you for the Son you gave to us,, that was willing and did die for us and that by His stripes, we are healed. Praise God. J

  • Tricia

    .
    Oh Lord, as I sit here in in the middle of all my mess
    I don’t have the strength or the energy to pray.
    But I’m lifting up my head and eyes to You
    Because I know deep down in my heart
    That You want me to be happy and healthy
    More than I do.
    And I know You have a Loving Plan
    For my life.
    So I bring you my pain.
    Please turn it into something good
    Your Word says that,
    *”ALL things work together for good for those who love You.”
    And all I can do right now is
    Raise my head to say
    I Love You, Lord.
    Thank You for Loving me
    Enough to take care of me
    And showing me what I need to do next.
    I ask and receive everything in Jesus’ name.
    Amen.
    (* Romans 8:28)
    .

  • Calling All Angels

    .
    I hope the following helps. If not…just disregard.
    (((Eric,)))
    You need to educate yourself about the inheritance factor regarding depression.
    The internet is a great place to start. Next your family doctor.
    (((Pat,)))
    You are Not Worthless. Call your doctor Today!!!
    (((Phyliss,)))
    When your husband is in is dis-ease…politely hang up and put on the Answering Machine. Do Not listen to the message. It will be the illness talking. Delete it.
    In His Love to ((((All of you!))))

  • Calling All Angels

    (((Eric,)))
    Re-reading my answer to you I realize it appears abrupt.
    My thinking that followed that advice was this:
    IF we all give you our opinion – it is only that – Our Opinion.
    You don’t want to make your life’s decision on anyone else’s opinion.
    Get professional information yourself first.
    You can make an informed decision; based on professional knowledge and your morals.
    Please forgive my abruptness.

  • Amanda

    This makes me feel better as I am now going through some of the same things. My depression only started recently (my daughter is 14) and so I had the “good times” when she was younger. We talk about those times and she doesnt seem to remember a lot of the things we did. We have done so much together for years. I went through ending a relationship and having to stay in my father’s house because I just couldnt make it on my own with her. I chose to stay there to give her what she needed and she now blames me for not having our own place. I will start a new job soon that should pave the way for us to finally move out but I just hope its not too late. I dont want her to grow up and remember me crying but I know she will. Now, i cry at the drop of a hat-and lets face it, 14 year olds can be cruel. It seems especially so to me as I have become so sensitive. Hopefully this life change will help that-and honestly, the more I try to explain, the more she just doesnt understand. I have to really keep an eye on my reactions to things now because I dont want her to see me as weak-which she has already expressed. This blog has helped me realize that there are others out there just like me going through the same thing…and it is okay. Some days are better than others…..I just want her to have the life she wants and not feel this way when she grows up. I dont know if there is any way to stop that…..

  • There Is Hope

    Hi Amanda,
    We do understand how you’re feeling. We’ve all been there. You’re not the first and you’re not alone.
    The most important relationship we have is with ourselves. Yet, the greatest obstacles we face is…ourselves. We love to get in our own way.
    By failing to recognize our needs ands wants we often end up putting ourselves aside. But in doing this we get lost.
    We need to be self-ish. This is not a license to be selfish; self-centered or self-serving.
    It means to take responsibility of our self. If we are not in a good place, then we are no good to those around us.
    There is no magic to the formula. But there is work.
    Go and get the help you need for your depression and be proud you did!

  • Margaret Balyeat

    Amanda:I agree with “There Is Hope!
    As a life-long advocate for children(AND a mother, step-mother, teavher and aunt) I hae learned that it’s not our words but our EXAMPLES that truly teach our children! Getting the assistace you need will show that you value yourself enough to do WHATEVER is necessary to nurture yourself; whatBETTER life lesson IS there? Let me also tell you that my own son, who is now grown has now come to see that a lot of what we went through was actually PRACTICE for the life/relationship we now share, a fact I’d never have though possible when he was a teen. He is astronger, more compassionate man because he knew rough patches when he was younger Your daughter can and hopefully WILL turn that same corner as she observes you fighting to crete a more abundant life for the two of you.All the words in the world cannot acheive that same maturation; it requires action. In addition, you’ll be AMAZED as your daughter grows to discover which of her life experiences are those which haveallowed her to become a strong,loving human being; the tough times have often given my son the resilience to bounce back from his own struggles as an adult (And we ALL have them) I will be praying for the two of you to get over this “hump” and emerge on the other side stronger of character and more able to truly enjoy each other and the good things in your life. Take heart; mothering is a tough job, but as the sayong goes,”SOMEBODY has to do it! As much as we might wish to, we CAN’T shelter our children from everything sad or painful, nor am I sure it would be in their best long-term interests if we COULD The most important gift you can give your daughter IMO is knowing she’s loved by both you AND God; love can provide the strongest armor available to fight these war we call life and growing up. Our tears are hard for most if not ALL kids to bear, but they also serve a purpose; we wouldn’t have been given the otherwise. Explaining–or trying to- is like tilting at windmills; many of the most important understandings can only be gotten through experiencing them. As your daughter observes you taking ACTION, it will “give her permission to do the same when it becomes necessary. Take heart; there IS light at the end of the tunnel, and there is truth in the saying that”the darlest hour is just before the dawn. Once your daughter is grown, the two of you will have LOTS of time for words; action is what today calls for!

  • Sharon (NanaSharon)

    Oh, my precious sister-in-Christ and sister-in-madness,
    Although I don’t (can’t?) visit your blog often, I had to visit today, as the Spirit led me here and I know why…I needed to be reminded that others walk with me in the Spirit…I am truly – not alone.
    So many of our mothers suffered silently(?), afraid, probably because of things that happened to them that they were ashamed of sharing, plus they had the crazy chemical problem and hungered, as we do, for someone to simply allow them to open up, share, and be loved for what had happened to them and who they were. So very sad.
    Oh, how for just one day, I could have my mother, as she was 35 years ago, and take her to a nice place for lunch, and afterwards to a nice quiet park to just sit and talk; allowing her to open up and share anything and everything she wanted to with all the grace from my end that she would need. Unfortunately, I did quite the opposite from that time until the day she died. I judged her.
    Now, I am, pretty much, walking a path very similar to the one she walked – only worse. I am raising two of my grandchildren. My youngest daughter hates me so much she turned to drugs – not understanding me and the choices I made earlier in my life, and as a result, I had to make the choice to use tough love and now that tough love has hurt so many.
    Last night, I came very close to having my second heart attack. I was in bed hurting desperately, so badly I could not move. My jaw is swollen badly, my back, my left arm, and my chest were hurting, but I couldn’t move. Had it not been for the fact that my ex-husband was spending the night with my grandson and my granddaughter would be sleeping with me I don’t know what would have happened. When she came to bed I asked her to go get my husband (he sleeps in a recliner in the den because of his snoring). It took her forever to understand what I was trying to say because she couldn’t hear me. Finally, my husband came in and used my spray, after three sprays I got okay.
    I realize that I am truly in, “the dark night of the soul.”
    By the way, I love your friend and have read all of his books as well. I look forward to reading his new one.
    Sharon
    http://www.woestowows.org

  • Julie

    Dear Therese,
    Your BEYOND BLUE blog is a Godsend. I usually do not express my thoughts, however, today I could not resist telling you how grateful I am for YOU! What you give to us through your experiences and posts helps each and everyone of us immensely.
    Thank you and God Bless You!

  • Mira Blumberg

    Thank you for this site. It has been a godsend today… It must be divine intervention because just when I felt I could not go on another minute, I saw this article about mothering when depressed. After realizing that yes, other people do know how I feel, I do not feel so alone.
    I think the hardest part of life is coping with those unforeseen problems life throws at us. You know, the ones you have no control over. I tried my whole life to be a good person, always do the right thing, to help others, and yet my life has gone so terribly wrong I wonder if I will ever be able to fix it on my own. And yes, I do pray, call on my spirit guides, all that stuff, even have faith when I feel I am drowning. I guess I must continue to have FAITH.
    Some time ago, when I was married my husband lost his job. We were forced to move to a different city and downsize and take a huge cut in salary. At his new job my husband met a 19 year old girl who he had an affair with. After 6 months of that I filed for a divorce and moved to another state to have the support I needed with my five children. My children were crushed, ages 2 to 12. We struggled financially for many years as my ex vowed he ” would see me crawl” and did everything in his power to ruin me. He married the 19 year old girl. I have always tried to be a loving, supportive and caring mother. I never smoked, drank, did drugs or went out. I always wanted to be there for my children. In spite of that my two eldest sons got into quite a bit of trouble and became involved with drugs. I live in a nice, quiet suburb but drugs are everywhere these days. They ended up getting addicted to heroine. My oldest son, now 21 can’t kick it and my 18 year old son died in January from an overdose. I am caring for my oldest son’s child, now almost 3 and my mother. I am sooooooooo overwhelmed and depressed from these constant problems which always seem out of my control to solve. I keep telling myself I did not cause them, but the guilt is tremendous.
    People keep telling me to get help, go to a support group, but who has TIME??? I only have hope…If anyone has dealt with such tremendous blows please let me know how you cope, I feel like I can barely breathe today as I am having panic attacks. Still struggling financially while paying off a funeral, does not help the situation.
    In case you are all wondering, I am not the type of person who usually complains, but sometimes it is hard to remain strong and be everyone else’s rock. I feel like I could have a mental breakdown if I let my guard down for one single moment…

  • Marci

    Timing is everything! I just walked in the door from my weekly psychiatrist appointment and tried to hold it together all the way home because it was raining buckets and the last thing I need is a wreck. I’ve been trying to be functional and act as a “normal” mom should the last month or so and every day seems to get worse. You can pretend and push on for only so long. I’ve been divorced about 7 months and was certain that I could do it all by myself. I forgot the biggest variable…that I’m Type II, rapid cycling, mixed state bi-polar and have fought this disease for 8 years. I have been getting very depressed, while at the same time irritable and manic. I have yelled at my kids too much, let laundry and dinners go and have finally hit the wall. I’m a mess and want to curl up in a ball and hide out for a few weeks. I can’t, though because I have these mighty responsibilities as custodial parent of my 2 boys.
    How do you fall apart when you don’t have time??!

  • jay

    It is good (unfourtnately) tht there is someone out there that knows how I feel. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism at 15. A year later I was put on antidepressants. It has been 11 years, and sometimes I feel like I am getting worse. Last year they diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and general aniety. I have a three year old. It breaks my heart when I cannot be very active with him. It feels as if noone in my family understands. They just say I am “crazy”. I want another child but I am scared of them inheriting these genes and I do not know if I have the energy for another one. I just live it in God’s hands. Thank you for sharing your story.
    J-

  • Tracy

    Therese,
    first off, I have only commented one other time on something I read.
    This really hit home and was deep enough to touch me to feel that I needed to respond. After my comment I am going to copy and paste this into an E- mail for a few of my friends that could also use this.
    Thank you for your heartfelt meesage. It was inspirational to hear of someone else in the same boat as I felt bad about themselves. In reading what you wrote and how you wrote, I feel and see that your children know that they have a GREAT mom who cares very much and is sensitve. They will see and hold this with them as a good thing and not a bad thing.So long as you continue to see what you do and care about life, you and your children will do and be just fine. This is my belief and how I get through each day.
    Being a mom, being depressed or sick, and feeling alone doing “what you have to do” is very trying. Many times thoughout the year I think about “bad” things and want out of my life. I don’t and most likely won’t ever act on “my depression”. My dad passed when I was 3, because of his illness. He and several members of his family have/had mental illness’s and I know for sure that my illnesses have come from that part of the family tree. I have dealt for many years with his passing as cowardly. I still do, but now truley understand why he did what he fealt he had to do. I became a very strong person because of my dad not being there for me and because my mom was very difficult as well. In saying this without getting too deep, what I wanted to share was that courage and desire to be the best you can be, CAN help you to over come many of the Illnesses that many of us are left to deal with. My son and his dad both have depression and bi-polar and ADHD. The way I face each day is by saying to myself “someone has to do it, If I am not strong everything will fall apart” I have to have courage and faith in me and my family if I want to survive. I wish you and all the readers with these same issues much luck to defend themselves and strive to defeat their demons.

  • ebony

    I think that everyone who is struggling, depressed,and have overwhelming problems as a person should first realizes that you are only human. You should seek help from people second but let go and seek god for your answers first. Every morning that you get up give your problems to him and then go on the best way you know how. I am a living witness that he will work out the rest.

  • Tauni

    I love God’s Timing in my life. He sends me a “Tender Mercy”, (just what I need, when I need it), like this article. I have been feeling like I wish time would freeze for everyone in my life but me so that I could get my act together – mentally and physically. When I am suffering and struggling on a day to day/minute to minute basis, as has been the case lately, time seems to speed up yet go so slow for me. It is really different, but I’m sure if you’re reading this you can understand that reality. Anyway, I have been praying for help through this suffering, and the Spirit has finally been yelling at me to just get out of bed, do the baby steps, stop thinking so much and Spirit will do the thinking for me. Just make the body move because my four beautiful, wonderful, smart, awesome children need their mother!!!! So today, I am out of bed and I am feeling better, because Spirit is doing the thinking for me and I am receiving the “Tender Mercies” that I need! Thank You!!!!!

  • Wordchild

    Wow! just to think someone else could actually be experiencing the same thing. One thing about suffering when you are going through it no matter how supportive others may be you cant help but sometimes feel so alone.
    I have 4 children and now one on the way, i feel trap in a what appears to be a loveless marriage and daily because of my mental state am always praying that I dont mess up my kids. Financially I am struggling taking care of my children, disabled mother and a husband who is of no financial assistance. Having been a child with a father who is mentally ill, i have dealt with depression and undiagnosed bipolar disorder most of my life.
    It’s hard for anyone to truly understand because I am a minister very profound in God’s word, spiritually sound and God gifted to help everyone else and so frustrated because it seems I cant help myself. I often think that maybe this is my thorn in the flesh, to remain humble as if I dont have other thorns that just keep me grateful that God hasnt blinked and made me a distant memory… at least I’m alive…right!
    I havent crossed every “T” or dotted my “I’s”, although I have tried to do the right thing; nothing else can be more frustrating trying to do right and it all going wrong.
    I have learned for me the having the faith I have in God that the answer for my mental state does not rest with man. Is: 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. Keeping faith and trusting in God is truly the only way to go… medicine is fine for some, support groups work for some, but in the end there is no way around it, because even with the medicine you gotta pray that it doesnt kill you or make you crazier and being in the support groups you gotta pray to keep from becoming more depressed trying to be there for everyone else.
    I’ve learned through that I go through you can’t allow yourself to be conditioned by your condition. I think depression destroys when you allow it to, so I have learned to pull myself up out of myself no matter how i feel continue to go on and try to make my life and the lives of my children better. If I am going through my episode feeling frustrated, fusing, too depressed to cook or clean, i pray sometimes one of my children will come to me just to kiss me or they all will leave me alone until I work through it and snap out of it. I have some days when its good, and some bad; but they are all above ground!
    I figure as long as God continues to wake me up everyday at the very least I can do is live, and I figure as long as God finds purpose for my life all i can do is live….. live and take one day at a time and pray that not only will God keep me but my children as well! Everyday as God blesses me to get up, I will continue to Look UP toward Him!
    I pray everyone who is dealing with depression find peace and rest in the Love of God and His Word… and know that God will never leave you or forsake you no matter what!

  • Terri

    I can relate to some of your feelings. I am the single mother of an 11 yo daughter and the live-in care taker of my own 83 yo mother. I recently (1 1/2 yrs ago) went through a horrible divorce from the man I have been involved with for 25 yrs (and married to for 10). My daughter and I moved in with my elderly mother to take care of her when I left my husband. I have suffered from anxiety and depression all of my life. I always take my medication on a routine basis. Anytime I would have a hard time handling any situation my x-husband would say “are you not taking your pills?”. He made me feel like less of a peson because I took medication. At least I had the sense enough to know something was wrong with me and went to the Dr. and regularly take my meds.
    I have days when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry or sleep, which at times seems like my only relief from my life of responsibility. (I also work full time as a nurse in a nursing home and sell AVON.) My x-husband does not work, or pay child support and he and his girlfriend live in “our” prev home which has not been sold yet. My mother is wheel chair bound and pretty much home bound except for Dr. appts. I do all the shopping, cooking, and cleaning with no help from my brothers or their wives.
    The min I get home my mother has a “list” of things for me to do. She has nothing to do all day except sit and think of things she needs me to do. My weekends are filled with intertaining my daughter and her friends. I am the “fun mom”. My daughter never spends the night at a friend’s house. They always stay with us. I rent movies, take them bowling, skating, and the whole nine yards. I spend all my time, money, and energy taking care of my mom and daughter and I have NO TIME AT ALL FOR MYSELF. But I know where my daughter is and who she’s with at all times. I take care of myself, my kid and my mother with little help at all. I take pride in that. I am functional. I do suffer from anxiety and depression, but I treat it and go on with my life. I wish I could say that I did not pass any of those traits on to my child, but I can already see the signs of it. My goal is to teach her to take life as it comes and not to be anxious about the things she can’t do anything about. I hope to teach her to look at things the way I do. “live and let live”. My favorite prayer is the serenity prayer. – God, grant me the serenity to except the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Take pride in your accomplishments and “don’t sweat the small stuff”.
    Terri

  • MJ

    I have been dealing with depression since the age of 15 and recently diagnosed with anxiety attacks since about age 18 or 19. I am now 24. The last anxiety attack I had almost killed me. I was severely stressed and depressed and was on the outs with my mother and was failing both of my classes in school. To top everything off, my on and off boyfriend who I’ve known and messed with for a year broke up with me for no reason. I no longer wanted to live. One morning while rushing to get ready for work, my then 3 year old was taking her sweet time to get ready so we could go. All I remember was yelling at her and then I just broke down into an uncontrollable hysterical cry. I also have asthma so I really couldn’t breathe right. I was shaking uncontrollably as well. She pulled me in her arms and kept telling me “it’s gonna be okay mom, it’s alright.” I’ve had manic episodes before but none that severe. I did manage to call into work and call my cousin to take me to the hospital. Going through that episode really scared me. While I love my daughter more than I love myself, it’s embarrassing when your child sees you like that and has to console you. As parents we’re used to doing the consoling. I am taking medicine but I don’t really notice a difference. I’ve also been doing a lot more praying and I had to let go a lot of what was stressing me out. I just take it one day at a time, but it gets hard sometimes because I have no friends and I’m a single mom. I don’t really have a strong support system where I could talk to someone if I was having unnormal thoughts or whatever. I really don’t know where I was going with this. This is my first time commenting, and this article reminded me of that situation.

  • Tina Santiago

    I understand completely about being a mother while being depressed.
    I grew up with what everyone called, (including aunts, uncles, and grandparents)a crazy mother. She danced around the house in her pajamas, took us (my little brother & me) to the 24hr dept. store at 3 or 4 in the morning when she couldn’t sleep, and even came to pick me up from school early when being alone in the house for 6hrs was too difficult for her to stand. Sometimes she would get so angry for no apparent reason and on occasion beat me senseless. Noone understood her “ups and downs” nor do I believe that they tried. All I know is that I Loved her so very much that I was afraid every day of my childhood and up until she died, to leave her side. I knew in my heart that if I left her and she was sad, I would come home to find her dead.
    I did not understand my mother at all until I myself was diagnosed as being Bipolar. I became the crazy (manic)dancing,singing, shopping at 3am, mom. I became the (depressed)crying,suicidal, please don’t leave me, mom. I lost my marriage, my home, and worst of all my reason for living, my children. Noone understood, and I felt like noone cared. But, God is Truly Great! He sent me someone that had survived “A Crazy Mom”. He helped me get help. He helped me to understand that “CRAZY” is not the word for people like my mother or me or anyone with this disorder. We are ill and can be treated. we are not what everyone else lables us to be, we are all God’s children and like anyone else in the world we sometimes need a helping hand.

  • Anonymous

    aww this is sad and good at the same time…
    i say that because everyone on here can relate to
    one another…and make ppl know that they are not alone…

  • Kim waxler

    Through all the sorts of pain (emotional, physical, mental, etc…) my sensitive self has endured in my 40 some odd years, I’ve found one thing that more reliably brings me ease than anything else. It’s the body and it’s messages and sensations that provide the perfect counter-balance to our wonderfully adept but largely insane thought processes.
    Our minds are wonderful, hard-working servants to our egos. The mind is always buzzing with thoughts like; “I wonder if I did the right thing, they won’t like me if not…”, “he probably thinks I’m an idiot now”, “I can’t believe I said that to him, what kind of screwed-up mother am I?”, on and on ad infinitum.
    Poor little ego, always trying to defend its perceived world and make the right move without all the information it needs to feel solid and stable. The problem is that the mind (read ego) was never meant to handle such a heavy load, so it inevitably rocks and tilts under the burden of being in charge.
    In Western Civilization we’ve all come to believe that our minds are our most important assets, so important that we’ve almost entirely negated any other source of guidance and wisdom. We’ve made a grave error in cutting ourselves off from our bodies. Our bodies are our clearest source if information straight from our souls. The body doesn’t have any concept of what it SHOULD or COULD feel, it simply relays what IS going on with us in every single moment of every single day. Our wonderful bodies are never confused by what our mothers, brothers, sisters or husbands think we should be feeling. Our bodies simply relay what we really do feel about every single thing in our lives, we just need to learn how to listen.
    I have a congenital cervical fusion in my neck that was just about to drive me over the edge with pain.When I began to listen to exactly what that sensation had to say, just like I might listen to one of my small children, the pain began to diminish immediately.
    It was instantly clear to me the profound power we all have quite literally at our fingertips. I believe this revelation is my reason for being here so I developed a practice I call “BodiesSpeak” about a year and a half ago.
    Aargh! I know this is too long for a posting, but if you would like to you can contact me at bodiesspeak@gmail.com or 513 324-1115 for a couple practices that I think could be helpful for you. No charge and if you would like you could reprint and post them for your readers to try also.
    Warmly, Kim Waxler

  • Bonnie

    I hear all of you. Have had the screaming fits with my kids. Thankfully it never got physical. I too worry that my son will be subject to this terrible disease. He’s such a sweet boy. He’s 11 and went through some of the roughest part of my bi-polar before it was diagnosed. Have been to the Dr. for it once and therapy a couple of times but do to my husband losing his job I couldn’t afford to go any more. So now that he’s back to work I’m going back to the Dr. and therapist. The bad thing is my family doesn’t think it’s a disease and it’s my husband. But if it were not for him I wouldn’t be here typing this today. He saved my life. Luckily I’ve been able to stay on Wellbutrin thru all of our hard times. Our hardest year was last year after 15 years of marriage. My family all seemed to take it out on him and blame him for it. He’s the most caring and understanding man on this earth. Many women have commented on cloning him. He’d do anything in the world for me. It’s not hurt our marriage except for my family interfering. And for now I’m not speaking with my parents or siblings. We’ve moved around a lot because of his job. Factory rats. We are wanting so bad to start our own business so he doesn’t have to work in the factories anymore. He’s a upper management factory rat so that helps.
    I’m a stay at home mom. Our daughter is 15 now and both of the kids understand when I’m having a moment. My husband has explained a lot to them about the disease and that is how they understand. The other sad thing about it is I have 7 horses (4 mini’s so they only count as 2 LOL) I have always loved them and loved working with them and being around them but have never had the chance because of the depression. So now that we are moved and settled I am going to make myself get out and enjoy what is truly in my heart, the eye of a horse. They do make great therapy animals if you can get yourself out of bed to do it.
    Thanks for listening.
    God bless you all.

  • Dianne

    I cried when I read this documentary. I cried for each and every mother who has had to parent their child while in the grip of such a debilitating illness. To find the most successful therapy to treat the symptoms of a mental illness, often takes many trials and years. In the meantime, there may be no stability for the family and often times all members suffer the effects of the mental illness, whether directly, or indirectly. As a concerned community, we need to reach out to others in all walks of life, to help alleviate the effects mental illness has as it trickles down from the individual, to th family, and then into the community. Each and every person can do their part to curb the effects of MI in their community. We can reach out to help the individual and their family, states can allocate more needed funds on a large scale, Mental Health Workers can help to make care more affordable. We would want to care of our own family member is they were caught in the grip of MI. Our compassion as humans should push us forward to reach out to others as well.
    with heartfelt compassion and goodwill,
    Sincerely,
    Dianne Bright-Tosie

  • JO

    i know and understand what you are going through. God bless you and keep praying. i have the same symptoms. very hard to overcome, i just try and keep fighting it. hang in there.

  • Lynne

    I too was the child of an undiagnosed bi-polar Mom. I think on some level even as a child ,you learn to separate the person from the disease. I believe I realized that she was not the one in control of her emotions. Her blow-ups made no sense then..or now. The only difference in now is my Dad’s inability or just refusal to engage in the volitale happenings of yesteryear. I realize more and more of the self medicating that went on ,on my Mom’s side of the family. My uncle Eddie who came to live with us because of his alcoholism and his wife throwing him out. A less compassionate person than my Mom would have tossed him too. Looking back it’s amazing to me that my Dad tolerated all this. Although I’m pretty sure Mom got her way in most issues. Perhaps this is why I’m still single. Like Larry, I would not want to subject a child to me. But lets’ face it I’m jealous of my time and more than likely it’s pure selfishness on my part. I’m sure if I had a child I’d be as ultra vigilant as you are Therese. Even with your problems I’m sure your kids are lucky to have a Mom like you!

  • Tricia

    Dear God,
    Today we pray for:
    Mother’s who fear they will run out of love or time and patience;
    Mother’s who care for their children when they feel helpless;
    Mother’s who comfort their children when they are hurting;
    Mother’s who give love and care when they are taken for granted and misunderstood.
    God, You know becoming a mother means you feel the sufferings of all mother’s of every race and creed. We weep with them and long to comfort all those who are desolate.
    We ask You to Bless Them with Your own Special Love.
    Keep us all united with You and with each other, so we can be and become all that we were meant to be.
    We ask and receive this in the Love of Your Wonderful Son.

  • CeeVee

    Well Therese once again I am drawn back after not taking the time to read your e-mail articles. Mother’s Day was last week, but sometimes I wonder what the point of the one day is. Once a Mother always a Mother. It is a task of extreme love, pain and perserverence. I thought maybe there would be some kind of information in this article I could use to make my own parenting situation somehow easier less feeling like there are two blocks of granite one on each of my shoulders. I don’t even have time to think about my own Depression as it takes a backseat to my daughter’s ADD or my son’s autism. I never imagined I would bear this load or that God would choose me because He thinks I can. Is He crazy too? The pain can be just overwhelming. I am tired of the comments of the other perfect parents whose children are never late for school because nothing will get them out of bed in the morning. Could it possibly be because of the bullying and mean comments the other kids make about my wonderful sweet and kind-hearted daughter because she acts silly or slow or is different? Or does her ADD make her tired because it is so darn hard to pay attention day in and day out? Listen people, clue in to the pain you are causing. Reserve the comments and please help, put out your hand, I would do the same for you. I could go on and on and on and on, but I won’t. Thanks for listening to the rantings and ravings of another Mother on the edge of her own sanity, hoping and praying that her own children will not have to endure this same pain, that I can somehow save them without changing the wonderful people they are already becoming. They are so special. Can’t anyone else see that? At least I know the One who created them knows they are just perfect.

  • Chris

    Well I sit here reading these comment’s thinking I’m not alone out here.
    Brings a little comfort to me even tho deep down I know I’m not alone.
    I also have 2 children with ADHD and my son is ODD on top of that.
    I have suffered from depression Manic and BiPolor and for about the last 4 years have not taken my meds, I remarried and my husband did not understand. If I’m happy with him and everything why did I need medication. So I stopped taking everything. Now with all the stress of every day life I have feel back deep into depression and finally told my Dr I needed something. I just told my husband that I’m back on meds and he didn’t have much to say. Sometimes I feel I wasn’t made to be a Mother cause I feel over whelmed at times,but a friend reminded me God only gives us what he feels we can handle and he must of known I could handle this. My son really seems to do what ever he can to push my buttons and I catch my self flying off the handle with him and then feeling bad about it later. I have tried to walk away before I say something I will later regret,sometimes it works and sometimes he digs a little deeper when I come back around. Then I feel he thinks he has won cause I come back feeling bad and apologize to him.
    I have friends who say he just wants your attention and I believe he does weather it’s positive or negative.They also let me know that he gets on their nerves after a while,I think you don’t live with him either. So now I try to stay away from every one.
    He is flunking in school and had been getting in more trouble.
    I’m sorry to ramble on like this but feel maybe someone out there who doesn’t know me make help find a solution. Maybe someone who has kid’s with the same problem can give me advice! I’m at the end of my rope.
    He is currently on 3 different types of meds and I feel guilty giving them to him but I can’t handle him with out them.
    I hear where the other mother is coming from with people making fun of your kids and them always being late for school. We go through the same thing. Well I’m sorry for going on so long, but felt this was a chance for me to let some of this out and not being judged to much.
    If anyone has any advice I would like to hear it.
    Thanks for reading and God Bless All Of You!

  • Tracy Dadak

    I completley understand for me depression is a daily struggle, I have manic depression, also and it has effected my marrage and I went on a spending spree which I regret so much!!! , and my husband does not want to forgive me, and that hurts me even more.Everyday it hurts because he does not want to touch me and I need that more than ever! I have been paying him back and helping with the bills. But I pray everyday he will forgive me. My son is mildly autistic, and right now he has taken over the support roll for me, because my husband hasn’t,which is not fair to my son. I think my dad was an undiagnosed bipolar my grandmother was. But anyway my dad when I was growing up took everything out on me. My mom would be at work, and my two brothers who were older were doing there own things in high school and my mom worked nights. So when my dad would work late I had to be with him sometimes to 10:00pm at night. And if I would not do things just right for him when I was helping he would yell at me. Which at times seems like on a daily bases. I have forgiven my dad, and it took a long time and a lot of prayer. But the biggest issue is my husband hurts me evryday by not being very loving! And I don’t kno how not to let that bother me. We still love each other ! But with him stressed out all the time it makes it hrder because our morgage is overwhelming , please pray for us! Thanks for your time,Tracy

  • Tricia

    Hi CeeVee, Chris and Tracy Dadak,
    When a parent is Depressed or Bi-polar the children are afected. While it is not possible to “immunize” children from being affected, there are lots of things that you can do to help your children understand and cope.
    Risk of problems does not have to become a problem. The most important thing you can do to help your children is to take care of yourself.
    * If you are on medication take them consistently.
    * Follow through with counseling and medical appointment
    Even when you don”t “feel” like it.
    * If a treatment isn’t working it’s important not to give up on treatment.
    * Try to exercise; even it’s a walk 10 minutes a day.
    5 minutes away from your home; 5 minutes back.
    * Eat a healthy balanced diet.
    Even when you don’t “feel” like it. Remember, you are role-modeling.
    * Don’t use alcohol or drugs as a way of coping.
    * Take breaks from your children to do something fun and relaxing.
    Being honest and open with your children regarding your illness and it’s symptoms in age appropriate language are important ways to communicate this support
    Here is a web-site that you can receive a free brochure to help you;
    http://search.camh.net/.
    When you get on the site -go to the search box-type in:
    ” When Parents Are Depressed or Bi-polar: What Children Want To Know ”
    Talking about this will help you as well as your children. By focusing on the positive future of your children you can find new energy to get things done.
    Remember, you are the most important person in your children’s life and they need you.

  • Brandi

    I am a single mother of two, and I am on the computer right now because I’m so alone. I am tearing up still from crying earlier. I have severe depression and so did my mom and her sisters. It is so hard to be a mom while trying so hard to keep all your pain from surfacing, especially in front of them. I was thinking earlier and started to tear up, when they had come back in the living room, from me telling them to go to bed like 20 prior to that. I’ve tried to learn even in that situation, to keep my cool. It is very hard and my chest is hurting just thinking about that stress. I go to work everyday, I’m trying to get my degree, I try to spend time with my kids, I try to live a decent life and provide my kids with a good household. I’m still trying to get over the fact that my abusive ex husband is out there trying to populate the world on baby 6, and still ins’t helping me support mine, no matter what the court says. My mom is obease and lives in a trashed house, my dad drinks himself into a monster- and my few friends are always so busy with their signifigant other and families. So all I have left, is two agring kids and the echos of my telling them to knock it off. I keep telling myself that God has me doing this all for some good reason and I keep wondering what it is. I try to make it through the day, but then I’m just so tired. But like now, I break down every once in a while and try to get glad again. I try to live my best everyday, I keep going no matter how sad I get, how stressed, how tired, how fed up I get, I just keep going. I don’t know where all this going is going to get me-but God knows, and that is just what I have to do. I just hope that God will hurry up and send me a good man. Then maybe I can cry on his shoulder instead of the pages on the web. Good luck to all you other single moms and moms alike, going is all we can do. Never give up.

  • The BB Community

    (((((((((((((((Brandi,)))))))))))))))
    Until your Prince Charming comes long, you won’t be “crying on the pages on the web,” you’ll be crying on our shoulder’s. And we’ve all got big shoulders; so cry all you need too.

  • Ann

    I recently lost my job as a RN. I had my worst winter yet and it affected my work performance and relationships with co-workers. I tried to open up to a few of them to let them know I was suffering and under a doctor’s care. My “boss” even put her hands in front of her face as if to say “I can’t handle this conversation, stop talking” I was eventually terminated. Sounds like I am a meaningless bug and needed to be stomped and forgotten about. I have days I feel that way, especially after an interview and the “T” word comes up. I get the thanks but no thanks. I am trying to say “why not me” instead of “why me”. Depression has taken over my life and I want to make sure that does not happen next winter. My biggest concern is my 8 year old daughter. She is very smart and has seen my upset despite my trying to avoid her at those times. I have an interview today and tomorrow. Wish me luck. I have been researching all of the “proper” things to say when fired. I just hope someone gives me a chance.

  • Tricia

    Hi Ann,
    Take a deep breath…and now picture a the Snake Around Your Neck.
    Close your eyes and keep breathing…picture slowly slowly taking off the Snake and handing it to God.
    Mother Theresa said, “There is Calcutta all over the world if we would only have eyes to see.”
    What you’re looking for is looking for you. God will not let your gift go to waste. So I can not wish you “luck.”
    I will pray for “God Speed to your next mission field which God already has chosen for you.”
    Now, the work is up to you. If the answer is no – we NEVER take the snake back and coil it around our neck. Especially if we are a role-modeling positive parent.
    We learn to trust that That Job would not have had a positive impact on our Life.
    To quote one of wonderful member’s: ” Father Knows Best.”
    Regarding your termination;
    All I want to know from a future employee is:
    *What was the cause for dismissal ? E.G. Missing Time, Abruptness etc.
    * What steps will you take in the future to avoid it from happening on this job.
    I, and other members, are an e-mail away! ^I^

  • Tracy Dadak

    Please help me , my husband left me and this is the second time, I have cried for 4 days i can’t eat hardley or sleep very much,You would think after 19 years I would mean more to him. It was over a misunderstanding i blew to much money the year before and even though i paid him back, he still begrudges it.$1000.00 My anxiety is so bad, i have a knot in my stomach all the time my son is devestated and has been so caring but it has been hard on him too he is 18 and has been taking care of me and he still has another year of school left. I just don’t know what to do I am so scared!! My husband is all I have known since high school. You would think our love would meen more to him but all he thinks about is his money and our house and his credit. I cry all the time I have grieved for him all week and he acts like he is doing fine. He would hardley kiss me last week and said he didn’t if he loved me anymore. I told him if i could go back i wouldn’t do it. I don’t even know why i did it. It just started getting bigger than me. Please help me I just don’t know what to do I can barely get out of bed and i can’t stop crying, he was my whole world! I feel like i barely exist if i didn’t have to work i wouldn’t even leave the house. Call me 828-667-5714 very lonely

  • A Member of the BB Community

    Tracy,
    We will be glad to help. But, it’s very dangerous to put your phone # in a public forum!!!!

  • Tracy Dadak

    Now He is mad because I gave are dog to a new home and I thought he had said ok, but he didn’t , but since he is never around and didn’t let me know he would take care of boo, I didn’t want to give him up, but I thought it would not be fair to the dog if i had to move. please somebody talk to me!!! So now he is mad and says i do things without thinking, i thought i had thought it out, but i didn’t want boo our dog to be left just anywear. I do have a problem though of doing things spir of the moment and i don’t know how to stop!! Help me!!

  • Tracy Dadak

    When is someone going to help me with this!!

  • Lauri

    Tracy,
    I’m not sure what, if anything I can do for you. I’m reading that you’re scared. Is there a community mental health program you can call. A crisis center. I feel for you, and I’ve been where you’re at.
    Please call someone. And please, don’t ever post your phone number on this or any other public forum.

  • LeAnne

    I feel for this poor Tracy person. has anyone heard from her since May? I feel blue and tired too a lot but I don’t let it get the best of me,not too badly anyways. But i have filed for disability and am up for a hearing come Sept.08, I feel I have loads of health problems and only one of my doctors is for me getting the SSI. I have a 14mos. old daughter and had her last May since having her I’ve had 5 operations back to back. the first starting with my thyroid. THIS was depressing because I was breast feeding my daughter still and tried my darndest to pump so after the surgery I could go back to nursing. I was in so much pain and all the meds that it was just too much trouble to try and pump so reluctantly I gave it up. Then the next surgery was my left hand from carpal tunnel syndrome, then my left shoulder scope, then just in April my right hand for carpal tunnel too and the later most recent a tubal ligation. All of which I feel I went through somewhat alone. My husband has to work out of town and with the rising cost of gas took an apt up north from me and returns on the weekends. If THAT isn’t hard! I have 4 kids total. If I can do this ANYONE can!!!! Sometimes I cry to my husband because of being separated like this and we almost divorced,but we dug in our heels and we’re still together. I hope this can be somewhat of an inspiration to you mom’s who feel you are all alone and that you can’t do it. There IS help out there and support groups and meds and psychotherapy. Go get it and take the bull by the horns, and do it for your kids, they need you and they are #1 and of the utmost importance in your life. LIVE for them!

  • Anna

    Tracy, and others, who find themselves crying instead of smiling at their children……do not feel ashamed. Some of us FEEL more intensely than others. Some of us are clinically depressed, perhaps even bipolar. So, what of it? Cry. Crying cleanses the soul. SEE YOUR THERAPIST. You must find someone you can trust to talk this out with. Chances are you really don’t know why you are crying…the real reason. It may take years with a good therapist to figure it out. Don’t give up. I am the child of a mother who suffered (and still suffers) from depression…in her day it was manic depression. I don’t remember ever being afraid of my mom. Her mania wasn’t dangerous, neither was her depression. She just didn’t socialize or show affection like other moms. That’s ok. She loved (and still does..loves) us. I am a bipolar mother..just like her. I think I started crying over my children before they were born. I still cry over them. THAT’S OKAY! My boys know that mom’s gonna cry, but she’s ok. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. We are to be parents of our children, not their best friends. No child alive will have idyllic memories of their entire childhood….people just do not operate that way. Please see a therapist. Get the right meds. You may always be a crier…maybe a little more depressed than most, but it does not have to grind your life to a halt. You deserve a life with your child/children….get the right therapy and medicine so that you can have it. And, yes, your child may “get lucky” and inherit from you. I remember the day that I told my mom that I had been diagnosed bipolar. It nearly killed her. However, WE have learned to draw strength from one another and support each other. It’s not a death sentence if you don’t want it to be. Depression is awful when it’s untreated. Please get some good help. Peace be with you.

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