Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue


10 Steps to End an Affair

posted by Beyond Blue


Given that I’ve been discussing my article “9 Ways to Affair Proof Your Marriage” on radio shows this week, I have been reading with interest the comments on the Group Beyond Blue discussion thread, “Ending an Affair,” at Beliefnet Community, started by Group Beyond Blue member SalT. She wrote:

How do you do it??!!!!! Picture this whole scenario and let me know how to do it … because I’ve failed and failed.. and will fail again.

Married guy… two kids.. crazy wife.. and me. Me and the guy are madly in love with each other. It’s been almost nine months now. He’s been married for nine years, which he says have been chaotic from the start. I won’t talk about his wife, but lets just say she doesn’t and cant live happily with him. And she won’t let him go. Divorce is obviously against all Christian teaching… so they’re still together.

Yes we’re in love and yes we’re not living in reality. I feel guilty most of the time. I’ve broken up with him a million times and he always find a way to get me back. I admit that I’m weak.

He does have anyone to talk to. I’m basically his only friend. I feel guilty not giving him the support and love that he needs. But at the same time, I feel guilty being in this relationship because everyone I know has turned on me because of it. Plus it’s just not right. It doesn’t feel right.

My question is: How do I overcome this? How do I get strong and end it? How do I stop feeling guilty?!! I feel guilty from the simplest of things, and this guilt is just killing me. I’m depressed all the time.

HELP!

From the research I have done on this topic and from all the wisdom and advice I’ve received from friends and families caught in affairs (after I asked some pretty nosy questions), I’ve compiled these 10 steps to free yourself from an affair (if any of you are, you know, having one):

1. Measure the pain

Visualize the torture you are going through. Literally sketch a double scale. On the one side write “joy” and on the other “pain.” List joyful and meaningful moments and conversations you’ve shared. Recount the charged and flirtatious moment you shared on the phone the other day, and how it made you high. On the other side, describe what it feels like when he hangs up abruptly because his wife walks into the room, or how you feel when he sets sail for a 10-day cruise with his wife and kids or a week’s vacation in the Caribbean. Record on the scale those times when your heart drops–hearing about the diamond earrings he bought his wife for her birthday, or his sudden interest in another colleague–and you swear you’re going to end it … as soon as … as soon as … as soon as. And measure the guilt: Do you feel badly distracting him from his family? Do you feel like scum for saying things to this woman that would devastate your wife if she were listening. Also document any symptoms of distress like weight loss, nausea, lack of sleep, distractibility, poor work performance, bad concentration, depression, tears, anxiety, and any concerns that friends have shared: “I’m worried about you” … “You seem out of it lately” … “What’s going on?”


2. Recognize the patterns

Most affairs follow this destructive cycle: communication, followed by withdrawal (by one or both partners), followed by a feeling of rejection, followed by self-loathing, followed by longing (to placate the self-loathing), back to communication.
So, like Group Beyond Blue member SalT, many people will attempt to connect again with a love interest even as the relationship produces much pain because, unconsciously or consciously, they are hardwired (our reptilian brains anyway) to pursue the spike in dopamine and norepinephrine of infatuation and early stages of a relationship. And the more pain he feels from the withdrawal of his partner (or himself), the more desperate he becomes to patch up the sore with another dopamine and norepinephrine high.

Even if both promise commitment (at a later time, of course), a present commitment isn’t possible, which places the relationship outside of, well, reality. But, just like a recovering alcoholic does in the early days of sobriety, a woman or man crushing on an unavailable person can reduce his chances of falling prey to the seduction by recognizing the futile patterns.

3. Identify the perks

With an affair comes perks. Or else no one would have them. And lots of people have them. So pinpoint what you’re getting from this relationship. Review the feelings you listed under “joy” of step number one. Be detailed and concrete. Does he make you feel attractive? Sexy? Does she give you attention? Is it the newness of the relationship that has you hooked? That sense of mystery that’s gone from your marriage? You need to know exactly what you’re getting, and why you’re risking so much to get it.

4. List alternative and safe sources to get those perks

Now that you know you’re counting on a married man to give you the thrill, the excitement, that you don’t have at home, you need to make a list of alternative and safe sources of getting that thrill. If he made you feel attractive, then brainstorm about ways you can feel beautiful without him: a day at the salon, an outing with the girls, losing some weight, a new outfit. If it’s the newness that’s gone out of your own marriage, start a new project with your spouse, go out for a romantic dinner, head to the beach for the weekend, surprise him with a new look, buy him a new toy (like a new 3 wood driver, you know, golf club). Bottom line: put the effort you’re investing into your affair into finding safe places to get your perks.

5. Tell some friends

In ending any addiction–and affairs and emotionally destructive relationships are addictions–you need to have at least two people to whom you are accountable. If no one knows that you are a home wrecker, then you can continue to ruin someone else’s family life (and your own) at your leisure. But if you have a pal who calls you on your dysfunctional behavior–”Dude, have you ended it yet?”–then you will soon get sick of telling your girlfriend that you are a weak and pathetic person who can’t make the phone call or send the e-mail. A big reason why 12-step groups are so effective at breaking addiction is their use of accountability–both in the rooms at meetings–and outside with the use of a “sponsor,” who is like a personal pope, only that she doesn’t get to ride around in the cool Pope mobile.

You need to tell at least two friends for another reason as well: you are going to need some major support after you make the break. It’s best to have that support in place before you split.

6. Draft a good-bye

Yep. It’s time. But you might need help with this step, so gather those friends around you that you got honest with in step five. Then draft that sucker. Revise, rewrite, delete, reword, do anything you want. But these words should be in there: “This isn’t good for me.” He can’t argue with that. Avoid language that further ensnares him: expressions of your undying love, and why you want to have his children–why you are truly soul mates, and that hearts like yours were meant to be together. That doesn’t help things. Keep it simple and tactful.

7. Send the sucker!

I recommend e-mail because I hate to say anything important in a phone call or face to face. I’m a pansy. If you’re afraid he’ll lure you back with a sexy or sweet comment, that’s one more reason to just press send. Heck, have your friends press the button if you can’t.

8. Get a game plan

You can bet either you or he will have a weak moment and try to reconnect. What will you do? Think about this BEFORE it happens so that you can respond with your newer, more sophisticated half of your brain, versus your reptilian brain that feeds off of excitement and adrenaline. Discuss this with your friends. Commit to a plan. “When she contacts me, I will say this.” Write that down. Draft a contract and sign it. Then seal it with, I don’t now, the Holy Spirit or something.

9. Start fresh

Depending how invested you were in the affair, you might want to start fresh. Really fresh. Like get a new apartment, a new cell phone number, a new job (if she’s a co-worker), a new haircut, a new hobby. One person I spoke to recommended throwing out all photos, letters, cards, and e-mails–performing a kind of symbolic ritual to say that you are making room for something better in your life (even if it’s the guy you married two decades ago).

10. Be gentle with yourself

No one severs an important relationship without some regrets and ambivalence. It’s a loss. Plain and simple. And the more you’ve invested, the more painful the loss will be. But knowing that the grieving period will involve an ebb and flow of yearnings, obsessions, and longing, frees you to let it be just that: grieving. Moreover, beating yourself up over unresolved feelings isn’t going to help you get over her any faster. With time everything heals. And so will the loss of this relationship.

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  • Susana Skaugset Wren

    I have rarely known someone that has has just ONE affair..I am sure it is possible to learn a ‘one time hard lesson.’ However, if you don’t do some soul-searching and find out what caused the whole thing in the first place , you could possibly be even more vulnerable for another.. People tend to have ‘patterns’ . Having an affair doesn’t have to mean the end of a marriage, but you must be willingly and wanting to ‘fix’ ..and least work on the problem that caused it in the first place.. It might be more difficult throwing distrust and insecurity in the mix..Not to mention forgiveness..

  • mrmissy

    Oh, please!!!! Are you crazy? Hang on to your affair and cherish it each and every day.
    People have affairs because they are bored and lonely. It’s an ages old remedy for what ails the soul and mind.
    Almost everyone is having one at one time or another. Some Americans needs to stop pretending that we are all cold and sterile people with cold and sterile minds, hearts and souls.
    Sometimes an affair is what you need to re-enter into personhood again.

  • Barbara formerly Babs

    ***Sometimes an affair is what you need to re-enter into personhood again ***
    To quote the writer, “Oh, please!!!!”
    That isn’t personhood. Personhood is developing some depth; depth of wisdom, depth of character. What you are trumpeting is living on the surface, satisfying a deeper need with the equivalent of a lollipop. I’ve never known anyone who felt better in the long run for having indulged themselves in this way.

  • mrmissy

    Nope, living on the surface is living a lie within a relationship whether married or not.
    Personhood is developing who you really are, and if that personhood is gaining a depth of wisdom, character and committment with someone else: than do it.
    It’s time to get out. No amount of window dressing for the neighbors and the church community will help rid the pain of a defunct and empty relationship.
    Many people have second marriages or long-term relationships from their life-saving “affairs.”
    Living a false and dishonest life is one foul and bitter “lollipop” to cling to and have to lick for life.
    Better go for the gusto and live life to the fullest. Get out the moment you know it is killing the both of you.

  • Barbara formerly Babs

    How about not getting into an illicit relationship that is “killing” you or anyone else?
    In the end, when there is a married person involved in an affair, it is a deadend. People get hurt, especially if children are involved. Cheating is a cheap way to live. “Going for the gusto” without regard to anyone other than oneself is selfish. You have to be living on the surface to put any other face on it.
    Often if the energy and time someone puts into an affair was spent on working on the marriage, it wouldn’t be empty or defunct. If you don’t see your contribution to the problem, then “wherever you go, there you are.”

  • There Is Hope

    Hi Susana S.
    Well said! A lot of excellent points to ponder. Thank you for sharing!! :-)

  • B

    all I know is what I have seen and been through,there is alot of pain for the wife, constantly wondering whats wrong with me why did he have to go outside the marriage,the rough thing for me is the men in my husbands family encourage this behaviour, my father in law has had more than one child outside of marriage due to affairs, the men and other women in this family will help my spouse hide things, it is terrible, I resent the fact that the person in the article refers to the wife ” as the crazy one” you know that your spouse is cheating he is spending time with other people coming up with gifts and constantly lying to your face, it makes you crazy, I tell you what just think if she cuts him loose and you are ready to get married and have your happily ever after, he’ll be out there doing it to you (having an affair), and most likely where the irony lies he’ll probobly be sleeping with his ex while he’s married to you because now she is exciting again, Again wives get crazy when there home life is being threatened, Women walk away dont get into this mess pray take a deep breath and walk from a married man that wants you to cheat with him and or a man that wats you to cheat on your husband, empower yourself, with scripture you and GOD can do this, you feel better and dont involve yourself in a mess and don’t be a homewrecker or some other choice words. Ladies be the Queens of you castles, today is temporary tommorrow starts a new adventure and you will get over this fleeting desire. We are strong and God rewards us when we follow his commands, pray for your marriage pray for strength ask God to renew your love and passion for him and for God to renew his love and passion for you and then work on it. Spice upt your marriage your self. There are a million things you can do, if the affair already happened you can get throught it!!! I have been married 22 years and battled some horrible obstacles me and God. Ladies we are treasure to our husbands and sometimes they need to be reminded of this, in the humdrum life, and sometime we love them but we just don’t like them, dont give up!! HUSBANDS love your wifes, just as Jesus loves you! This is scripture.

  • annie

    There is simply never, ever an excuse for a spouse to cheat, physically or emotionally. It is better to divorce a person than cheat on them. There is an extraordinary amount of baggage that is attached to cheating or being cheated on. Once is a mistake, a big one, a potentially fatal one, twice is grounds for divorce. No one should accept this behavoir from a spouse or otherwise. My partner and I have a policy, that if we feel tempted or attracted to someone, we talk about it. No judgement, no jealousy. We even engage in fantasy at times to make things spicy. Finding out what makes that other person so tempting helps..likely, the other person reminds them of something about YOU that hasn’t been available for awhile. It is normal for your head to be turned occasionally, it is normal to feel a physical response to someone that is hot, acting on it is not. Once you tell your spouse about something like that, even having the spouse meet the person if possible, will difuse a whole lot of trouble before it starts. It’s a pretty callous jerk that can look into the face of the spouse, ‘crazy’ or otherwise, and go trhough with one of these soulless, half hearted sham relationships. No matter the intensity of the feeling, that is all they are. The cheater is only giving you a tiny part of himself, and the ‘home wreaker’ is basically saying, “I am only worth what little they can give me’. It is horribly sad.

  • Cully

    If they do “it” with you… they will do “it” to you.
    Using religion as an excuse for staying married is a crock.
    If the marriage is as bad as the cheater says then what do they think it’s doing to the kids that’s any better than being divorced??
    Don’t feel bad because you are their only friend… the only one they can talk to. Once you are gone they will find another “Only” one.
    Chreaters cheat – in most cases they met the one they are with now by cheating on the one they were with before.

  • Bev

    I’ve read so many articles about affairs, yet I have not read one that mentions the effect of an affair on the third party. The one that does not “know” the man they are seeing is married. When the truth is found out, the devastation and havoc the lies have caused to this persons life is almost insurmountable. Depression is an understatement, to say the least. I invested 3 years of my life with someone that I found out to be a horrible liar. After a year of seeing him and believing him when he said he was going to marry me so I could not get away from him again(knew and dated him 40 yrs ago)I found out he was married for 8 months when we had started seeing each other. He told me he just needed some more time when I confronted him, and said he was going to leave. We would be happy and have what we should have had all those years ago. I gave him more time, he even told me he was looking for an apartment and had me helping him. In the meantime his wife found out, and called me. She said she could not believe him and wanted the truth about our relationship from me. I told her everything from the very beginning, and what he had told me about his relationship with her and how he said he felt obligated to marry her and never realized I was still out there or he would have come to me sooner. There is so much to tell about this I really don’t have room to write it all in this post. In the meantime, he is telling me how unhappy and miserable he is at home while he is telling her it is all my fault, I won’t leave him alone, I am like a stalker. I gave her lots of information to validate what I was telling her was truth. He took another job in another state and moved there and took her with him, even though he asked me if I would go when he was considering the position. I told him I would not go with him unless he filed for divorce, which he said he would do in that state. I am glad I did not make a move, because he still is with her and not filed for divorce. One week exactly after he moved, he was telling me He was not with the woman he loved and regretted his decision already. He continues to contact me, and I have told her so and proved it, yet he will not give up half of his bank account to obtain his freedom and she is willing to stay with him because she does not have to work, she has financial security. This was a losing situation for me from the start, but I was already so in love when I found out the truth, the pain is almost more thatn I can take. I have the support of certain family members and some good friends. But, I would say to others, BEWARE–if it sounds too good to be true it usually is. I thought I really knew this guy,I never would have believed him capable of such duplicity.I split with my husband of 29 years to make myself available for the life I believed I would be leading with him, and he left me holding the emotional baggage and went his merry way, even though he still wants me to believe I am his dream come true.I accept responsibility for my part in this nightmare and am trying to pick myself up,I feel totally blind sided by fate. I know I could never accept someone that deliberately hurt me to save their own backside, but I still can’t believe I was so wrong about him. When he was holding me and looking straight into my eyes and professing his love for me FOREVER, he was lieing. Please don’t rush to judgement about the “other woman” of man involved. It is not always as cut and dry as you might think. There are really some Rats out there that are so selfish they don’t care who they hurt as long as they feel they are getting what they are entitled to, and they don’t care what they have to do to achieve their goal. Watch out for the liars and take it slow.Make sure you really can trust the other person.It happened to me.

  • Jay

    All I can say, as a man, is that regardless of the temptation, regardless of whether one or both feel that a marriage has “lost the magic” it once had- cheating is always the worst possible option. I have never done it or thought about doing it, but I have seen the devastating effects it has on couples, families, children, and EVERYONE that gets tangled in that web of deceit.
    Most of all, it comes down to the person who chooses to cheat cheating on themselves above all.
    There is a story of a man who once went to talk to a counselor and told that counselor that he was no longer in love with his wife. The counselor listened at length to the man, when finally the man asked “What should I do? Should I divorce her? Should I tell her I don’t love her?”
    The counselor paused for a moment and said “Go home and LOVE your wife.” The man replied “but I am not ‘in love’ with her any more- there are no longer any sparks.” To which the counselor again calmly replied “LOVE your wife.” He then explained that true love is not about warm, fuzzy feelings, but about that committment that two people make to one another to share love and care abundantly. By focusing on better loving one’s partner, while also being honest in a caring way about one’s own needs we are better able to give and experience true love.
    Peace be with you,
    Jay

  • Linda

    Thank you Jay for your post. I like that counselor’s point of view. I have never cheated on my husband of nearly 17 years although he accuses me of it. I work in a small business where it’s just two guys and me and he just has a real problem dealing with it. I have suspected for a while now that he is cheating, no proof but just kind of wonder. I also wonder if it may be a guy he’s cheating with, a couple of years ago he started wearing my daughter’s and my bath and body works stuff and shaving his legs and eyebrows, wearing jewelry that he hasn’t worn in years. I just don’t know what to think. All I know is the coldness that I get from him is so hurtful. I would love to file for divorce but have two daughters and don’t want to hurt them and I really cannot afford it. He won’t go for counseling so I’m at a loss for what to do. I don’t know how to find out if he’s cheating on me. I’ve checked his cell phone but its a company phone so I wouldn’t know if any of the numbers are girlfriends. I pray about it every day. I’m hoping my prayers are answered soon.

  • Nancy

    All of you are wise. For those of you, like me, who had a cheating spouse…it is devastating. The excuses are always the same…the “magic” is gone. However, look closely, who is home cleaning the house, feeding the children (and all else that comes with children), going to work outside the home, while the spouse is “dating”. Maybe if our husbands lavished the attention on the wives and hired someone for the dull activities, we could be the magic. I was given the excuse that he had nothing to come home to!! Nothing? How would he know? He didn’t come home…..he doesn’t know the romantic evenings that awaited, only to be dismantled because he didn’t come home. The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence. The grass is greener WHERE YOU WATER IT! Whether the mistriss is a person, or a thing (I had a friend lose her husband to a motorcycle!), the excuses are all the same. Oh by the way, he still cheats. He cheated on the woman he was seeing when I left, and has never stopped. Guess what? He uses the same excuses every time….

  • Janelle

    I am in a “cheater” situation. My friend and I have been friends for about 6 years. We got “hooked up” about 4 years ago and totally fell for each other. We went our separate ways and now just 4 mo. ago, our paths have crossed, many times. We “hooked up” again, fell again and this time basically got to the boyfriend girlfriend status. Calling each other babe, texting throughout the day, good morning, goodnight, I want you, i need you, ect. We have this very strong connection, we are very sexually connected, all that.
    He has 3 children, and was a single father for a while, due to the mother getting the children removed from the home. The courts allowed the mother to move back in to the home. They are not married, but have been together off and on for the past 8 years. They’re relationship is basically gone to hell in a handbasket. has even been verbally abusive.
    Supposedly “it’s for the kids”. But they see all they’re animosity, and arguments. I’ve told him that he’s doing them more harm than good.
    The kids know me, we’ve gone to the beach, my son, his kids, us.
    She knows of me, but thinks I’m part of his support group, and that’s it. I’ve asked him to just tell her that he’s seeing someone. He says he can’t do it. I called him a coward and just basically told him that I’ll settle for the limited access that i do have. For how long, I don’t know.
    I’m staying focused on not determining my worth by the amount of attention I get from him. Yes, it does affect me, but I say positive affirmations to keep me level headed. I do have other men I talk to, but that’s about it. But those men are not him. I love this guy and can’t stop. Wont stop. But there will come a day when I will have to let go completely. And with pain comes growth……..

  • Anne

    I was married to a liar and cheat. And if someone is good enough at lieing and can pull it off without a problem. And come to find out I don’t think he was ever divorced so my marriage wasn’t real anyway. He was a jeckle and hide. So ladies wait at least a year before anything sexual happens if the man can’t wait a year then your better off alone. A Year isn’t all that long if they are willing to wait and see if you can be friends first your relationship wouldn’t work anyway.

  • Barbara formerly Babs

    Janelle –
    Why are you settling for crumbs? This guy has no intention of leaving his wife. Why do you even believe what he is telling you? You are giving up something you can never regain — time. He goes home to his wife; you wait around for him; and the clock keeps ticking.
    I guarantee that you will look back on these years as wasted. Why prolong the inevitable? As long as you stay with him, you keep yourself from the possibility of meeting a decent guy.
    You don’t sound like a bad person — just a needy one. Love yourself enough to dump him.

  • Samantha

    I’m in a similar situation…married to a man I loved with all my heart..and the day he told me he didn’t want me anymore, stabbed me right in the heart…I never went looking for the situation I’m in now..it just happened. I have a FWB…(friend with benefits)…We both have children..i’m married, he is not…he lives with his girlfriend and I live with my husband as roomates on seperate floors, seperate bedrooms…to keep the peace for the children…i guess we are there for each other where the ones we live with are not…i’ve tried to end it many times…but something keeps pulling us back together over and over again…i’ve prayed over this…asking GOD to detour him from my life if we are not meant to be with each other..but yet we can’t get enough of each other…the love is there, but is it strong enough to keep us together…people come into our lives every day, whether it be for a reason, a season, a minute, an hour, or a day…we just have to keep learning from one another and it’ll be ok…

  • Colleen

    It was no coincidence this article was in my e-mail today. The man I have been involved with for 12 years visited me today. Twelve years ago we lusted for each other, worked together, one thing led to another and the history began. We have not been sexually intimate for 2 years, I told him I no longer could be in this relationship, I felt very empty. He asked if we could still be friends. Of course I wanted that just as much as he did, I agreed. In the last 2 years I have probably seen him 15 times. We do not work together anymore, which really helps.I want to meet someone else as a romantic partner, I just have not put myself out there totally. I am a 57 year old professinal woman who has been divorced for 34 years. I have a one daughter and one granddaugher who live out of state. My plan is to move to that state in approx two years. He is really a good man, we both have been morally wrong and I no longer want hime to leave his family. We never discussed that much during our involvement. Reflecting on the past 12 years, I have no regrets, my life was enriched just knowing him. I can not blame him for living the best of both worlds. I gave him permission to do this. If I really want to be honest, I probably never wanted a committment, I was devasted by my divorce, so even though I was in 3 other significant relationship since my divorce 34 years ago, I never wanted to be hurt again. I am comfortable and being his friend. I want him to rekindle the love in his marriage. Thank You for such a great article.

  • sharone

    After my partner of 15 years died, I met a great guy I really felt I connected with. We volunteered together. 2 months into knowing him his friend made a comment about this guy’s wife. Too good to be true. I switched gears, stayed w/the program and decided I could be above all that…I told myself he was just flirting and that was just who he was. I didn’t get involved physically but didn’t realize how dangerously close we were getting emotionally. Once you establish a connection, it is really hard to disengage unless you get outta there. After some soul searching and sadness at leaving the people we serve, I can honestly say I am open to finding an honest-to-goodness relationship w/an available man who understands what love is. Thanks,Jay…you give me a hope that there are available, worthwhile guys out there still!
    Janelle: you don’t have to go through that kind of pain in order to grow, hon!

  • Dalia

    I would like to say to you is that you should have never gotten involved . Whatever, his situation might be you should not get between it. His marriage is between two people not three. All I could say is in the end you are only hurting yourself.
    The truth is that he is never going to leave his wife and his children.
    You are living a fanatasy! I am going through a rough patch myself and I think he cheated on me with another woman. Do you any idea how that feels? Just remember that everything that you do, in the end you are going to pay for it. Not, only do I blame you but also him, he should know better. I think he is still in time to save his marriage. Both of you should have respected his wife. How do you think she’s going to react if she finds out that her husband has been have an affair with another woman? Do you have any idea the damage that you have caused? I think that he should love his wife to death. You are wasting your time with this man. The devil only wants to tempt you. You needto be the bigger person and end this affair now. Pick up your stuff and leave for good! I think this man is a coward he is running away from reality. He’s not a real man! He will never have the courage to tell his wife the truth. Did you expect everyone to give you a thumbs up for what you’re doing? I think that you should ask God for forgiveness. Marriage is sacred and to God this is very important. Hopefully, you make the correct decision! I hope that you never have to go through what you have done to this poor woman. Just remember there is a God and he watches us. This man is only using you to have a good time. I will pray for you and I will ask God to give you strength to end this affair. What you are living is not love it’s an illusion! You are better off leaving than, to living your life with guilt. Trust me, it hurts just to suspect that the man you have given your life to is unfaithful.

  • Susan

    Not to mention, in the small chance that an unfaithful spouse ever does leave the marriage for the “other” person, all that person ends up with is a known adulterer. Could you ever really trust them?

  • nikki

    wow women like you are all around and need jesus if u was to be the one to mess with my husband lets just say to teach his own u no..i am a women of god i no it is out there but a real women noes her place i could see if u did not no but u do no and that is a sin not to none but u and god and u no the ten commands thats one adultry so teach his own u no

  • Anonymous

    Well, for all of you ladies, first hello and nice to talk and share with you. I fell for a man who was married and never knew he was. I lived right downtown in Chicago and he lived up on the North Shore (suburbs) and always wanted to come over to my apartment. And then after a few month’s of serious dating, I confronted him and said I wanted to see his home. Well, his sorry backside was against the corner then! And, he had to tell me the truth. That he was married and with two you children. Well, I saw him for couple more weeks because I HAD fallen love with him. So I totally understand where it comes from not to be strong and stay away. But after those few weeks, I felt sleazy. I knew what I was doing was wrong and it felt horrible. The thought of his family and what I was doing. His family were his very own WIFE, Daughter, SON. And I just thought, “suzi what are you doing?”. And then his wife discovered this out and was giving me threats (one thing you really have to look over your shoulders for because they WILL go nut’s on you!) But, I ended it.
    Then, about five months later he left her and came to me. I was the happiest girl in the world! But, to cut to the chase!…after 6 years with him, his true colors truly showed up! He blamed ME for not being there for his children. He blamed ME for every little thing and hold this horrible grudge against me. We were to married December 15th that year and broke it off three weeks before the wedding. I was never so crushed in my intire life.
    For all of you, Men stay with they’re “wive’s”! And even though they are unhappy, they built a life with children, mixed they’re money on investments,etc. And at that point they’re marriage is a perfect marriage of convenience. And, most of the time nothing more. But, the investments WILL keep them together no matter who comes between. And seriously, do you really want to spend Thanksgiving, Hannacka,Christmas, Easter and ALL events ALONE? I don’t know you but I’m pretty sure I’d get a 100% on that one. And, you will never get anything more.
    We are Women! We are Beautiful, and we CAN be strong and turn away perpatrators who are only going to hurt us. We DESERVE!!! a man who is unattached! Why would you, when you think of it, someones FATHER, or someone else’s HUSBAND? YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!! And you WILL find someone to love you that you will never, ever have to share with anyone else! Especially a FAMILY! YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE BEAUTIFUL GODDESS!!!!! Find THAT inside of YOU! He DOES NOT deserve YOU! Or, his wife for that matter of fact! And,knowing he’s cheating on her, do you really think he wouldn’t on you? He’s already proved himself to an uncommittable man. What more convincing do you need? He’d cheat on you too!
    I hope you take this to heart! I feel so bad for you! I know your hurting but, the sooner you see reality and tell him good ridins! The sooner YOU can move on with your life and find Mr. RIGHT!!!!! That who YOU DESERVE!!!!!

  • LaLa in NoVa

    This sounds way too familiar – this guy wouldn’t happen to live in Calvert County, Maryland?
    I was one of his “loves” and of course The One. Of course he did the same thing to me he does to his wife. Gets another one. Tells her the same thing.
    I know your pain. I am sorry.

  • RAT

    I am on the other side. We have been Married 24yrs. He has had an
    affair with the same women for 12yr. I have tryed to leave 2,3,4 times.
    He “can’t live without me” (ya right) The other women thinks that he will leave me some day. She is right, But it will be ME leaving him!
    Don’t think he will be faithful to you. he will not be. My kids are a
    mess. My daughter knows (small town). My son just knows something is
    not right. I have no trust in this man, and he thinks I am the bad one. The other women and her kids think I am the she devil of all time. They love him. I am certain he has told them how bad I am.
    sound famillar? Do you think he would tell you how great his wife is?
    That she waits up at night thinking he is hurt, cleans the house, cooks
    dinner,ect,ect??? You are on a hurtful road. I hope you do get out of this.

  • Tricia

    To “We Are Women. We Are Beautiful,”
    Thank you sharing your story.
    Your story Will keep a Family together, a women saying No to interfering with the collapse of a family.
    That is a True Blessing…as are You!

  • M

    I was, at one time, the supposed married woman with 2 babies “who was miserable but wouldn’t divorce him”. EXCEPT, that what the other woman didn’t know was that I was in love with my husband, but supportive of his late hours because he was doing this “for us”, and yes miserable at the same time because he treated me and our children like second-class citizens. I tolerated it because “he was stressed and couldn’t control his moods”. I got to the point thinking there was something seriously wrong with me since I was married to Mr Perfect. He even threatened to lock me up in a mental institution if I tried communicating with him about why he was distant and what I could do to help (then I was “nagging” him). According to him, my request to be a family and spend time together was too much of a sacrifice, it angered him and the mere site of me made him want to vomit.
    These men who cheat…and then leave…have personality disorders and commitment problems. Most of them start out being absolute charmers, romantic and exciting…these are the ones that leave when it gets rough. It’s all a cat and mouse game. My ex had had an affair with his “soulmate” who was barely out of the crib herself for 3 years and all the time planned, not only his “getaway” but left me with a nicely concocted plan of no home, being moved away from friends and support system, job, beautiful city…he sold my car and left me the day we moved in across the country. All this because he hated me so much…where was I? I was getting cards of what a wonderful wife and mother I was, that he loved me more than the day he married me, but of course, he was also trying to perfect me which is why he’d get grumpy with me. I had been a stay at home mom for 2 years, though I did have a job waiting for me in the city where he moved me from. Except I couldn’t go back because it was too painful. I was in such shock when he said he was leaving because it never occurred to me that we would divorce or that he was even capable of an affair. He was Mr WOnderful some of the time and the times he was awful, well at the time, I thought it was my fault. This is called EMOTIONAL ABUSE! His affair with his soulmate devastated not only me and my children, but our friends, our families. WE were “the perfect couple”…what a joke! It has taken me 5 years to get back on my feet and get my career on track. I am almost there…I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Did he marry his soulmate? Of course not…once he left me she realized that she didn’t want to deal with my kids and she wanted her own children…and my goodness, maybe he’d cheat on her too. (ya’ think?)
    I was devastated, but the best thing he ever did was leave. Yes, it’s been hard, REALLY HARD…but I am so much stronger, and wiser…and in fact have reinvented myself for the better. Ladies, if you are the “other woman” and think that wife of his is so evil…think again. She is probably clueless…it’s not easy to be married and raise kids. YOu need a partner to help you and if that partner is leaving you with the load of the work, in addition taking care of HIS needs, then yeah…she may be a little cranky…SHE”S TIRED! If he’s staying, he’s getting something out of it and he’s using YOU. If he’s leaving…watch out, because you’re the next victim, no matter how “in love” and perfect you are together. People without internal difficulties don’t have affairs, or more so, leave their families.

  • Bears Repeating!

    “People without internal difficulties don’t have affairs or leave their families.”

  • Sean

    There should be special detectives devoted to catching adulterers in the act, at least two witnesses, with irrefutable evidence. Christian punishment for anyone who does get caught wouldn’t be like the old testament which would have them stoned to death, but to be merciful, I suppose a public canning along with an obvious tattoo should help curb the evil sin. Second offenders should get a second more severe public canning and a second tattoo but third offenders should be hung. Also divorce should be impossible, one partner only, until natural death may they part. Separation can be an option if need be, but nothing more, and separated couples are of course still considered married. This will make both men and women think a little longer about who they marry, and perhaps they may consider getting a little advice, such as from their parents. Just some thoughts on solving this very evil and destructive problem. Finally if one is a true believing God fearing Christian, they need not worry about this kind of punishment, because they will automatically do the right thing.

  • Dawn

    I know that there aren’t going to be any “fans” out there after I say what I am about to…but, here goes. I am “the other woman”. I have never been in a situation such as this before, and I guess I feel I owe you an explaination. I was approached with the question, about a year ago…”Would I ever consider having an affair”? I have been single for more than 3 years, but a friend informed me one day that she and this other friend, were having sex. He had just recently gotten married. Well, their affair ended about a year ago. My veiwpoint had always been, “How could another woman be so unfeeling, so selfish, so self-absorbed, as to knowingly sleep with another woman’s man”?
    I was again asked the “would I ever consider it” question, about 2 months ago, (By the male), I responded with “No”, it was nothing that I would ever think of doing. I had more respect for myself than that. And where would having a relationship with a married man ever get me? I have longed for the companionship, closeness, and intamacy of being in a relationship again. But could never put myself in such a “No win” situation.
    Well, between being told that it was a “friends with benefits” thing, and knowing that I had always been terribly attracted to this man, and knowing how lonely I was, and how badly I wanted, A). to be “with” someone again, and B). wanting to be “with” him…I spent over a month arguing with myself about it. And then, one day, I just gave into his advances, and we slept together. It has happened probably 5 times now. It’s not an everyday thing, It seems to just happen. And I must be totally honest. I have been aware of the fact that he and his wife do not have sex. And I can not say that I feel one bit guilty.
    Now mind you, I’m not some gorgeous, young, free spirit or anything. I’m about to turn 45 years old. (he is 38ish) I had to stop a 27 year teaching career due to becoming disabled with siezures, Lupus, and graves disease. I have been unable to return to any type of work in 7 years now. I live alone, and try to survive on under $800 a month. (with a $1,300 a month mortgage). Needless to say, my home is in foreclosure. But, as I see this whole situation, we, (I) am hurting no-one, (except myself if I were to allow myself to become involved emotionally).
    So, there you have it. The “affair” from my point of veiw. Will I stop? Yes. In time. I just don’t see the need to end it at this point in time.

  • Elizabeth Randolph

    I hate to say it but I totally disagree with all of you. Affairs are glorious relationships from which we all learn a great deal. They keep the beauty in life – it is our society that is sick – to think that humans should be monogamous is what is not reality. The woman who is having this affair is filled with guilt. Why have guilt about something that is so enjoyable. It is the Judeo/Christian culture that has caused all of this.
    My view is to fill you life with all of the love you deserve – just do not hurt anyone. This is easily done if you use your head in planning and your heart in living beyond guilt.
    Nothing in life is permanent – all affairs end sooner or later – just relax and enjoy yourself. Never make yourself miserable over guilt. I know women who have been having affairs for years and they are in very happy marriages.

  • D

    I was also married to a man who had not just one affair, but several – he lied to almost everyone he knew – INCLUDING his mistresses! He has a lot of problems, not just the cheating and I am very happy to be divorced from him (now, but that road was very long and painful!). He is NOT the person I thought he was and do NOT wish to be married to someone who would hurt me so deeply.
    My ex also told his mistresses that WE didn’t have sex anymore…that was a LIE. We had a very active sex life. My question to anyone who’s involved in an affair who’s partner says that is…HOW DO YOU KNOW? HOW DO YOU KNOW HE’S NOT LYING TO YOU? He’s lying to his wife, so why not you?
    The most devastating part for me was realizing that someone who loved me so much to marry me and have a child could also not only cheat on me, but lie & steal from me. I’m sure there are many other women out there who’ve not only gotten cheated on, but also ruined credit, missing money, and a web of lies that takes years to untangle…this is MY life. I’m not asking for sympathy — just stating the facts of how his behavior has affected me and my daughter. I cannot buy a house, car or even get a credit card without someone co-signing for me AND I have a great job that pays well. My ex utilized several lines of credit with my name attached (because he couldn’t get one on his own!) that I thought were closed – He did this without my knowledge or consent! Now, he’s broke because he refuses to get a job and can’t pay the loans back…guess who’s on the hook? That’s right! ME!
    People who cheat are only thinking of THEIR NEEDS, not anyone else’s – including their children. Affairs cause immense pain and misery to everyone they touch and I urge anyone thinking of or currently in an affair to think about who else it will affect, grow up, and don’t do it.
    NO, I don’t buy for one second that affairs are good in any way — there are much less destructive ways to GROW.

  • me2

    I have been on both sides of this coin!! I can tell you the guy is a lying Jerk who will treat you the same way! Maybe not today but mine did a few years later and dumped me hard. When I confronted the other woman – he had lied about living with me and our 4 kids ( 2 his from a first marriage tht I cared for and gave up my carreer to run around) and our ACTIVE sex life. It is really hard to look at these guys and see the guy you loved and the one who didn’t think of anyone but himself! As I have confronted him time and time again he never really takes responsibility for the lies or the hurt. He never will. YOur guy is the same!! He seems so great now, especially given the circumstances you are in, but he will lie cheat and steal on you. I leave you with this: Honorable men don’t cheat on their wives and dump their family in the gutter for some nookie! They go to counseling and work it out with the woman thay made a commitment to. They Honor thier commitments!

  • Douglas Cootey

    Elizabeth’s comments have left me a bit stunned. “Let us eat and drink; for tomorrow we shall die” comes to mind.
    First of all, the concept of adultery, or having an affair, isn’t necessarily a religious one, though there is much said about it in the Judeo/Christian tradition. The affair is an issue of trust, or the lack thereof. When we promise ourselves to someone in matrimony, it is the height of selfishness to take pleasure in breaking our promises while deceiving our spouse. If Elizabeth wants to have multiple sex partners in “glorious” relationships that’s her call, but if somebody promises fidelity then they should keep that fidelity no matter how fun lust seems to be. To do otherwise is a real lousy way to behave.
    If SalT is feeling guilt, that is a clear indication that she is not living as she should. Elizabeth is very wrong on this matter. SalT needs to break off the relationship and come clean with her spouse. That is the honest thing to do. The relationship was founded on the principles of fidelity, trust, and monogamy. It is disingenuous to believe that such principles can be discarded without harm to the relationship just because the affair provides a lusty rush and the illusion of happiness. There is a difference between pleasure and happiness.
    “My view is to fill you[r] life with all of the love you deserve – just do not hurt anyone.”
    I would suggest that betraying your spouse’s trust would be very hurtful indeed. You are not entitled to pleasure at the expense of your spouse’s feelings.
    “This is easily done if you use your head in planning and your heart in living beyond guilt.”
    Utter rubbish.
    “I know women who have been having affairs for years and they are in very happy marriages.”
    Then that happiness is a lie. Affairs are secret by nature. I wonder how happy those marriages would be if the husbands were aware that their wives were unfaithful. I also question the judgement of women who feel sleeping around is harmless. With their hearts outside of their home, what kind of happiness can be found in such a marriage?
    Putting Judeo/Christian guilt aside, cheating on your spouse is a cruddy way to treat them. If the shoe was on the other foot, I imagine they would be less open minded about the betrayal.
    Douglas Cootey
    The Splintered Mind – Overcoming AD/HD & Depression With Lots Of Humor And Attitude

  • LIZA

    It is very difficult being with a married man, I have been going out and seeing a married man for about 2years and we have a baby together our baby is 9 months.I am 22 and he is 28. I never though our relationship would go that far but it did. It has been very difficult for both of us, he knows that i don’t want to be in this situation now that i have my baby and i dont feel we deserve this either. He tells me sometimes that he does love me and wants to be with me, but at the same time he doesn’t make up him mind. He tells me hes confused about what he wants.
    He has been married for about 7 years, and by now i dont think he is going to leave his wife to be with me.
    I made a decision of moving away to a different state because its the best for all of us. I know if i we will keep seeing each other and even though we stop seeing each other for a week or two, we are both weak and he is the one that ends up calling me.
    I dont feel guilty about this relationship, because we both took part in the relationship not just me. the worst thing is that my family does not know we see each other, and i hate to lie to my parents. They are the ones that have helped me and supported me when i needed them, and i hate the fact that im lying to them, becuase they do not deserve it.
    I know if he really wants to be with me someday he will look for me and our son.
    All of these step seem very helpful and i am going to try to go through them.

  • Anonymous

    I think that the only reason to mess with a married person is for sex. The only reason is for sex!. I repeated that on purpose. Any person going into a situation with a married person,that thinks it is more than sex,is looking for a heart ache. Trying to create some drama in their life. I know what i am speaking on. Men Lie! Men Cheat! And the truth of the matter is they are looking for a desperate, lonely, guillible, female who will fall for their bullshit lie. And used her until she wises up. My suggestion is to sleep with them if you want. But always keep a spare, or two. The illusion is that you have something that SHE doesn’t have. The illusion is that you are some how more Understanding, More Sexy, More Loving, than SHE is. And that illusion feeds your EGO! I’m not saying that your not having mindblowing sex with this person. I am saying that it is mindblowing BECAUSE it is sneaking, and you are in a mindset of Stealing. He, on the other hand is just putting another notch on his belt buckle. And even if he did leave the SHREW behind, and come to you. Then what do you really have?
    A waiting game, waiting for him to cheat on you, and start the madness all over again. A cheater is a cheater until he gets tired of cheating.He or she is a person who will never be satisfied, He is the little boy, who always wanted what he could not have. And once he got it. He played with it for a little while and then decided that he wanted something better, newer. Nothing was ever enough. And that is the pattern set early in life by guess who? A women, his mother. So he realized and learned how to play on women by conning his first true love, dear old mom. Some of these playboys, never stop until the penis stop. and then they turn into grumpy old men, who leer at young girls. because they are men!. Nothing wrong with men! Personally i love them.. But the cycle of abuse and illusion that women allow has got to stop. If you want to sleep with a married man. DO it with no illusions or expectations at all. He does not owe you anything! the choice is yours from the very beginning. It is a waste of time if you go into it for any other reason. If you have time to waste on unrequited love, and hurt feelings when you get nothing for your birthdays, no special valentines, no waking up on christmas mornings with anticipation of that glorious day. And no special kisses on New Years Eve!. If you want to waste that much of your precious time on earth on a liar, & cheater in hopes that he will SOMEDAY leave her for U.than be my guess..after all it is your lesson to learn.

  • Marcie

    I have been involved with this married man for the past six years. However he verbally abuses me any time we have some misunderstanding. whenever I ask to end the relationship he makes me feel guilty. He claims that he loves me and attends to me more than his wife. I really want to break from this relationship. It is ruining the person that I once was.
    What must i do?

  • Calling All Angels

    Hi Marcie,
    If you like your life the way it is don’t change a thing.
    If you don’t…
    It’s only a three step process. It sounds simple. But it takes Work. And no one can do it for you.
    1.) Re-read all of the postings from our other wonderful members on the:
    regret, heartbreak, guilt, and shame they suffered.
    2.) Re-read Therese’ 10 Steps To End An Affair.
    3) DO The 10 Steps.
    IT may take several attempts. Don’t view this or yourself as “a failure.”
    If you fall off the horse- the best remedy – get back on the horse.
    The choice is yours. Choose wisely, Marcie. In Every Life there are defining moments. This is one of them.
    Please let us know how your doing.
    In the meantime: We’ll be here praying and cheering (((you))) on. :-)

  • tsholofelo

    I am 27,hav 2kids the first born is twoyear six months whist the other is only five months[both girls]And their father is cheating.im now fed up with him because his hustlers always phones me, when i ask him it turns fighting.so pls could u help me to get over him?

  • Lynne

    The only thing I personally know about affairs is I now know my Father had one when I was growing up. My life reads like your example. Husband, two kids, crazy wife (my Mom). I don’t really blame him. My Mother was a “wack job” and everyone walked on eggshells around her for fear of “setting her off”. Holidays were stressfull, ( I STILL hate christmas) Thanksgiving was OK if it was’nt at home. Otherwise..and I’ll not open those wounds right now. There were those “way late nights at the office”…Ok we’re talking 2 AM? Mom’s reaction…to pick up and hurl whatever was handy. (An ELECTRIC can opener…perhaps this explains my interest in outerspace and “flying missles”) Also self defense for obvious reasons.( Wonder Woman being a personal favorite) No wonder I was such an “escapist” and daydreamer in school. Reality was far too harsh. On the other hand I was “gifted” in drama class. Mom’s nickname for me was “Sarah Heartburn” (Bernhart)Actually that was pretty funny.

  • Anonymous

    Holy CrAp!! That first comment, for me, was more understanding than the pro’s! That helped more than anything. Thanks

  • A Member of the BB Community

    Not sure of what first comment you meant, but glad it helped! :-)

  • victoria

    what about a man who has been running back and forth since we met and now we decided to be together move in together and be family. but he’s not treating like a womans worth and i’ve been good until he don’t do what he always talk about before payday and is continually half steppin with me which makes me turn into a sarah heartburn and i know it’s not good for the children i try to end it but he won’t let me go but still won’t do what he was suppose to do. how do we work this out?

  • Jane

    One needs lots of support ending any relationship, whether married or unmarried. Regarding the post from Lynne. Are you sure your mother was a “wack job” before your father started mistreating her. Think carefully. It is important. A cheating husband can really mess a woman up. Usually there are other abuses besides the cheating and preceding the cheating. And, often the wife/mother tries to protect the children by keeping it a secret. Then the children think MOM deserved the abuse. NEVER. NEVER. Daddy was an abuser Lynne. If he was a good guy in a bad marriage, he would have ended the marriage, not had an affair. I am hoping you take another look. It can help not only her, but also you.

  • Anonymous

    It’s strange that this came to me as I am going through an awful break up which is the horrible end to a 4 year relationship with a married woman. My feelings for her were so real and strong that I was able to pretend the darkness that surrounded us was not really there. All I can say is that when 2 people have an affair the one thing that will ceratinly destroy it, without a doubt, is trust. I was single when I met her and she was married. I was reluctant to get involved but she was very willing to spend more and more time with me. She did withdrawl but at that point I freaked and begged her to leave him. Eventually she did but only after cheating on him while he still lived with her. He was not a good man and I understand why she strayed but as we tried to move on from this and form our own relationship the deciet and lies of the past haunted my daily thoughts. How could I ever trust her? She would tell me that I was a cheater too and I believe that because I knew what I was doing. My trust was suffering as it was but then I started to catch her in lies all the time. If she’d stay late at work, I’d get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’d think the worst possible things you could imagine. I suppose the conditions and the circumstances are critical in how affairs are dealt with emotionally but to me, in the end, the trust can never truly be there and that will destroy whatever good is there.
    I’m in such pain without her but if things have not improved after four years I don’t think they ever will. Am I selfish to feel this way? To feel that I can never trust her? Nothing is worse than living in fear. No matter how deeply you love someone. It can eat away at you until you aren’t there anymore.

  • jeanine

    WOW!! My Dad had an affair years ago when I was a teenager. My step-mom eventually confronted Dad about it and the marriage ended. When my Dad and step-mon divorced, my younger sister and I left with him. 9 months ago during my dad’s hospitilization I became involved with a co-worker. He seemed distressed over ‘something’. He said the romance had left his marriage. She didn’t want him anymore. The only time we were ever together was at work. No outside contact, emails, phone calls or secret meetings. I knew we were heading down a destructive path and it had to end. I prayed and prayed, asking to find the strength to end the affair. Two weeks ago, I stopped it. I told him I believed in the constitution of marriage, that this kind of conduct is wrong and I wouldn’t cross that boundary. Although be some degree I already had. I’m stronger than I thought because there have been times when I wanted to find him and share a little time. Since he works one shift and I another our paths rarely cross. I feel free from the guilt. Each day, with the help of my Lord, gets easier and easier to face. I find the strength to keep going. Everyone whos been in an affair, emotional or otherwise, has my prayers and faith that they can end it too.

  • J

    The one step approach – just do it!
    Early in my marriage I had a brief affair. The company I worked for went broke and I took a consulting job in another city. My wife was having a tough time adjusting to being a mother so I took our 1 year old daughter with me during the week. I met a divorced working mother who helped me find day care. One thing led to another. I justified it because my wife was not being a good wife or a good mother at the time. I finally realized that I was contributing to the problem and not helping the situation of the young single mother either. I did it face to face and as diplomatic as I could. She knew it was the right thing to do. We have remained friends by e-mail and occasional phone calls. I would not recommend ending an affair by phone or e-mail unless maybe you are so weak you feel you might change your mind. I have been married 28 years now, this happened about 25 years ago. No more affairs for me!

  • Lulu

    I am in a 3 1/2 year affair and both of us are married. I have recently started sessions with a Biblical counselor. I am living in sin and causing him to sin against his wife. I would tell others in this situation that divorce is not an option. Start trying to love your mate as Christ loved the church, if you can’t do that, love your mate as your neighbor and if that is an impossibility at this point, remember that we are commanded to love our enemies. Start there and pray fervently. I serve a loving and forgiving God, but one who also clearly stated that we are not to commit adultery. If you need an accountability partner to get you through ending an affair, I will be there for you, you can mail me at blueeyedalecia@yahoo.com I would also urge you to find a Biblical counselor in your area to help you. Remember that baby steps are okay….take them to lead you back to the place you belong, as your mate’s partner and no one else’s. Girls, get the book The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace and read it. It’s tough but a great help.

  • amanda

    ive been in an affair 4 about 7 mos.i care bout the guy but there is no committment.hes got a girl and i have a guy,but when we are together it is awesome.i dont feel the love 4 the guy im with like i used to.but we have a family.and we get along but i just want to go.i want my freedom.but i have 4 kids and its hard.i need to know what to do.

  • Buck

    I’d suggest being totally honest up front. That builds accountability and trust into your relationship. I have been married for the last 8 years and about 7 years ago became honest with my wife. I told her that there were other people I was attracted to and that I wanted to be friends with them. I discovered she was OK with that. Then I went the next step and suggested I wanted to be sexual with certain ones. She was accepting of that. Not happy, mind you, but didn’t freak out on me. I ended up being sexual with two others and she was OK with it (a nice surprise). I have remained friends with one of them and my wife now has a good friend. The other relationship ended badly much to my dismay. That was a 3 year relationship and over that time she became my wifes best friend and lover as well. We both believe being totally honest and talking about what we feel and want openly and honestly is the best way to go. Currently there is 2 others that I am attracted to sexually but will not persue that with either party. One because my wife is not comfortable and the other because it would be inapropriate. Both parties remain good friends. One to both of us and the other to just me. Just thought I’d share this alternative.

  • lost in tx

    I’m going through a divorce now after 31 years of marriage. His first affair (that I know about) happened 12 years ago. I stayed with him then, thinking it was a horrible mistake on his part but a forgivable one as long as he stayed faithful after it ended. He regained my trust and I thought he was faithful. I thought it may even have made our marriage stronger. What a load of bunk. I fully believe, “once a cheater always a cheater.” In October of last year I began to recognize the signs cheating again and started paying closer attention. It turns out he was having an affair with his secretary. When confronted he admitted it and told me he knew he’d made a devastating mistake and wanted to stay. The thing is, he didn’t want to give her up but he thought I was desperate and stupid enough to stay and put up with his pathetic attempts to hide what was going on. I love my husband but I’m worth more than what he was giving so I gave him an ultimatum, it was her or me. He left the week before Christmas.
    I look for him to marry the homewrecker as soon as the divorce is final.
    I’m starting over from scratch at age 49. I lost my husband, my best friend, my home, my security and even though our daughter is grown, it’s torn her to pieces as well and it’s totally confusing to our grandson. So, don’t tell me there is anything remotely positive in an affair. It’s a selfish, destructive act on the part of the cheater as well as the other woman. My life will never be the same.

  • Claire

    Everything you suggest sounds good – EXCEPT putting anything in writing. Hopefully you will end your affair and preserve your marriage, but if that doesn’t happen, what you put in writing could come back to haunt you. So don’t.

  • cory johnson

    I had an affair on my wife of thirteen years. I met this woman through work. I never expected anything to happen but it did. I was not happy in my marriage and ended up getting a divorce four years ago. Let me tell you the affair was the biggest mistake of my life. As is typical the woman I had the affair with was not what I expected and the way the marriage ended with the affair turned my ex into a raving lunatic. I have lost everything over this,and at age 43 I am completely starting over. It has been so bad that I have actually launched my own website http://www.phoenixrising-online.com and personal blog chronicling my life and the events surrounding this trainwreck of a story.

  • robinhood

    when the going gets tough my husband gets going into escape mode, gambling, pornography, and when the going got tough in his previous relationship he became a workaholic and he had an affair(physical) with me after a 15 year friendship…which could qualify as anemotional affair…now i am having a hard time trusting him…probably no surprise…how do we get past the hurt and pain of the porn, feels like cheating to me…devastated, and the lies, dont know what to believe and scared to trust again
    please help, trampled and confused

  • Barbara formerly Babs

    Amanda,
    I will be straight with you. You come second after the four children you brought into the world. They are your responsibility. Feelings come and go and can’t really be trusted. I would guess that the guy you “are with” made you feel pretty darn good for a while – I mean I assume you didn’t give birth to quadruplets. Most people want passion; a lot of people are turned on by the forbidden. But that stuff fades and then you have to find another guy to rev you up. Meanwhile, you have someone who is home with the kids; someone you “get along with.” How about devoting some attention to him? If he is like most men, all a woman has to do is show some desire and appreciation for their mate, and she will have more lovin’ than she knows what to do with. And believe me, your children will notice the change in how you two relate.
    It may not be fashionable to say so, but you owe this guy and your children a whole lot. How about concentrating on them instead of yourself for a change? Look inside yourself for what you are really trying to satisfy with this affair. I doubt it is sex.

  • Jan

    What I don’t understand is how anyone can want to stay with someone who has been unfaithful. No matter what! Staying for the kids, financial security or whatever is just an excuse to stay in a comfort zone & not deal with the situation for what it is. The very foundation a marriage is based on has been destroyed & can never be regained. It will always be there, lying dormant under the surface. I don’t understand wanting to live a lie. If there is a problem in a marriage, it either needs to be fixed or gotten out of. If a person even looks at another or wants to get involved with someone else, then it’s time to do something. How can a woman want to “keep” a man who has been unfaithful? How can a man want to keep a woman who has done the same? It all usually boils down to money. It’s always about the money. Staying for the kids doesn’t help the kids. Children have a keen sense of knowing there is something wrong but may not know what it is. What has happened to truth & honesty? I don’t understand not wanting to live your truth & if a person is that unhappy, no matter what the reason, then have the self respect to do something about it. And the one whose been cheated on should have the self love & self respect to NOT want to stay in a marriage that is really no longer a marriage. It ends up being about convenience. It’s a whole lot easier to stay & do nothing than go through the hassle of a divorce, splitting up assets, moving etc. Does anyone really think God wants anyone to live a lie just to keep a marriage together? It makes a mockery of what a marriage is supposed to be. So, if you’re the cheater or the one whose been cheated on, stop making exucses & get out of it & start living your truth. It may be hard, but whoever said life was supposed to be easy? In the long run, you’ll be better off & will be able to live with yourself & sleep at night. Do you really think children want their parents to stay together for their sake if it means either parent is sacrficing themselves? Everyone loses.

  • Connie

    On the last day of December 2007, my husband and my two children and I were travelling abroad. We were packing to leave on Dec. 31 and my husband left his e-mail open. I found a secret account where he’d been corresponding 3-4 times/year with a woman with whom he’d had a 2 year affair 6 years ago. He has told me that it was the worst mistake of his life and that he swore he’d never be unfaithful again and he hasn’t (so he says). He tells me he was corresponding with her because of his interest in her young son who was 8 months old when his affair began. She was deserted by the father of her child. My husband merely wanted to keep track of how the boy was doing.
    He tells me that the “fling” (as he calls it) started unexpectedly during a night out drinking on a business trip. After that, he was in it because she threatened to tell the wife if he “left.” He says it was exhilarating with the sex and all at the beginning but then started to become a nightmare as she demanded more and more of him and wanted him to leave his wife and kids (which he says was never in his game plan.)When he found out she was seeing another man, he broke it off with her and says he was glad about the other man because it got him off the hook. She was otherwise occupied.
    To complicate it further, the affair started a couple months before I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Since we were living in South America at the time, I came back to the states to get treatment. I lost 30 pounds, felt wonderful and returned to our home in the hopes of reviving our sex life and marriage. What I returned to was an absent husband who treated me like dirt. I thought it was because of the breast cancer…which left one breast slightly deformed from surgery. I was devastated and went into clinical depression. Eventually, I came out of it and we moved back to the states but our marriage was never the same because of my suspicions and depression. Also, I didn’t trust him because he was so unsupportive of me in my illness and I couldn’t understand how he could be like that with his wife. Never an arm around the shoulder, a “you look beautiful”, nothing…just coldness.
    Now I know that my husband had been cheating on me for 2 years and treated me horribly, (I would call it mental and emotional abuse) because of guilt and because he was with this other woman.
    His New Year’s resolution is to become a good husband in 2008 and he wants a monogomas relationship with me. He says he was “totally messed up in his head” at the time and has no explanation other than that. He was 40 the year the affair began. He says he was unfaithful only this time in his life. (Although I’ve suspected another time earlier.) Also, I should mention that his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 weeks after me and that he has since been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrom from his military experience and he has exhibited all the symptoms of this disease…short temper, impatience etc.
    I love him and our children and think we can have a wonderful future. His verbal and emotional abuse has stopped since the discovery (5 months) and his behavior toward me has dramatically changed. Everyone I know, his family, my family, my friends, his friends, tell me to stick it out and make it work because he’s a good man who loves me. They tell me to forgive him and move on. But I’m having trouble with trust and getting past the terrible damage he did to my feelings of “womanhood” after going through breast cancer treatment. His treatment of me in my most vulnerable time has negatively affected my self confidence. Any suggestions from anyone whose been on either side of this horrible and destructive path called “affairs”? I should mention that throughout our 22 year marriage, I’ve been offered innumerable opportunities for “flings” and have turned down everyone of them in my pursuit of a strong marriage and family unit. So, his blatant betrayal has left me devastated and it’s not so easy to “forgive” like everyone tells me to do.

  • mary li

    Your website is difficult to read . Why does it have all those blue lines running through everything?

  • A Member of BB Community

    Hi Mary,
    That would be your computer. Does it do on any other Blogs?
    Hi Dean,
    You would need to ask that question in “The Beyond Blue Community.”

  • Jeff

    Connie, I was on the affair side of things. that was 7yrs ago. my wife and I are celebrating 21yrs of marriage next month. after I ended my affair we went on a Retrouvaille weekend, which really helped us in our communication and started the healing process. trust, well thats going to take awhile. he will need to do much to get your trust back. the best thing that you can do is to have open communication with each other. then think back to your courting days. then try doing some of those things again now. treat each other as if you were courting, that will help in reviving the flair. it wont cure the woes, but through time and communication wounds will heal. you will need to forgive him somewhere along the way. and until you can do that your marriage wont move forward.

  • Connie

    THanks for the advice Jeff. Very helpful. And congratulations to you and your wife for surviving an “affair.” What do you say to those who say, “once a cheater, always a cheater?” It seems to me that crossing the line the first time is very difficult. But doesn’t crossing the line get easier once you’ve taken the first step? In other words, once you’ve cheated, doesn’t it get easier the next time? My husband tells me that
    the experience of cheating was such a miserable experience that he would never do it again under any circumstance. From your experience, could he be telling the truth?

  • gail

    I just walked out of a 33 year marriage that fell apart because of an affair (and others) that occurred over 30 years ago. We went to therapy. We communicated. It was good, it was bad. I fall in the once a cheater always a cheater group. I never, ever trusted him again. And he did nothing overt to allay those fears knowing how badly he had hurt me. He wasn’t evil…he is selfish and self-centered.I walked away last November and I am happier than ever. I have boundaries and good memories. I don’t have to look at him and feel betrayed. We talk. He was the love of my life, but our marriage and his cheating was killing me. I should have done this the first time he cheated on me. I know I would have been happier.

  • Tracy

    I felt that my husband was cheating, there were signs. Not coming home after work. Always tierd when he was home. I checked the cell phone bill and discovered a pattern. My husband never texted messages to me, but I discovered he was texting someone, and it was the same number that showed up repedidly. He finaly came clean, but said she was a friend only. Heard that one before….Right? He always deleted his texts, but for some reason it came back as undelievable. Well, lets just say he could not deny it anymore. She never answered any messages I left and they were sival. I just wanted the truth, as this was the second time that this had happened. (The first time I kicked him out of my house.) I do however think he has a problem as every waitress that has worked for him has his cell phone number and one just called the other night at 12.06 am.
    I think too…”Once a cheater, always a cheater!”
    I too need to be strong and move on. He not only is a cheater, but a LIAR!

  • sullygirl

    How do you know if he is having an affair? My 18 yr old 1/2 sister moved in with us(share dad) due to her mom’s physically abusive behavior towards my sister. She does not want any contact with her mom.
    Her mom called our company and asked to speak with me before she moved in(she does not know that she is living with us)I called from my husband’s cell and now she will not stop calling him and emailing him.
    My sister has been receiving emails from her mother saying that they are having an affair. She has sent him 100 emails in 5 days and i looked at the emails and they are very detailed about where he has been and what he is doing. He did not even read the emails but some had replys back but we had a computer virus put on our computer and the tech says they can hack into emails with a virus.I think she may be following him and watching our home. He swears that he has not done anything with her mother and that she is just trying to ruin our marriagesince she thinks I have taken her daughter away from her.( She has been dignosed with mental illness)I have had a restraining order against her before for trashing my car several years ago and have recently got another one. He has been distant from me for about 6 months when his mother died from cancer. Could this be a stalker or do you think he is having an affair? Someone please help me.

  • renia

    I have been in a affair for 1 year with a man that I had an affair with 10 years ago. We dated for 5 1/2 years the first time – but I came to a conclusion that our children were more important than the two of us. So I decided to end the relationship. I was very hard and I spent a lot of days and nights crying and trying to understand why? Well, we live in a small town and actually do not live 10 mintues from each other. Ten (10) years have pasted and we met each other again a year ago and started talking and found that we both have been going through the same things, I divorced my spouse years earlier not because of the affair but because my spouse was very abusive. Now I have two children ages now 25 and 21 – he has three children ranging from 19 to 24 yrs. He told me in the very beginning that he had gotten his spouse pregnant and that is why he married her thinking that he was doing the right thing. He has told me on several conversations that he is in love with me and that yes he loves her. What exactly do i do when my heart is mixed all up with this man that I really love and that I do not what to let go but, also I do not want to hurt this woman that may still love her husband and want the relationship to work? He has said several times that he do not want to hurt anyone. We just had a conversation today and I asked him do he think that I’m complicating the realtionship? He stated that I have no idea what is going on behind close doors. He is always by himself or with me. He works two jobs. What should I be doing? I really love this man and I believe that he loves me as well. I’m a Christian – I have a relationship with Christ. I love Him (Christ) more than I love myself and that has cause a lot of pain in my life and makes me depressed because I really do not want to cause God anymore pain than I have and the world is doing. I’m lost and in love. I have always heard if you love something let it go and if it comes back to you than it’s yours and if it doesn’t it never was…………. HELP !!!

  • Tee

    A line of respect is crossed when someone steps outside their marriage for an affair. No marriage thrives without respect and trust.

  • A Member of the BB Community

    (((Gail,)))
    Congratulations on finding the strength and wisdom to do what’s best for you.
    Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and to be happy!
    Enjoy this Brand New Chapter in your life. :-)

  • bruce

    Terese,
    In #9 you cited: “One person I spoke to recommended throwing out all photos, letters, cards, and e-mails…”. I am wondering if one were to eliminate all of the positive things, but keeping negative emails, cards, etc. might be a way of remembering the bad parts of the relationship at the same time. Or is that only another way of keeping a part of the affair alive?
    thank you for your awesome insight,
    A (fortunate!) Quitter

  • Kim

    “Measure the Pain”… that had lots of good points in it, and should not be read lightly. Keep focused on your objective of healing your marriage, and how you got in the situation you’re in. Life is full of change, and we never quit learning!

  • Angie

    I was the woman who was willing to cheat with a guy who was not married but promised marriage to a woman. We were friends, then lovers. It was fun. We traveled and laughed and had a really great physical chemistry. As the years passed, I started to fell more and more deprived. I began to realize that although we were friends who were involved in a relationship which appeared to be loving and fun, it was a relationship which was destructive for me. I had to endure the times when he was unabvailable because he was out with her. I began to feel like I was nothing more than a bed buddy. Well, I had to ask myself why I would beleive that he would want to stop seeing her and only be with me and if that would happened, I had to realize that he would probably cheat on me. Well, i actually think this guy has bigger issues in that he began to see another woman. There were now three women who were being used in some way to support what ever his issues are. I decided that I could no longer play. I relaized that this man is selfish and self serving and only would only be able to satisfy himself. He never let on to his first girlfriend that he was cheating although I am sure she had her suspicions. 10 years later, the girlfriend is still with him and he is still cheating on her and promising that he will marry her. So, I say, once a cheater, always a cheater!

  • Connie

    Renia, Let me address your problem from the point of view of the “cheated on spouse”. I am in that position and it hurts. First of all, the man you are in love with has 3 children, ages 19-24. These children are grown up. He does not need to stay with his wife for the sake of the children anymore. Yet he does. He has told you that he loves his wife and “You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.” Meaning he doesn’t want to tell you what goes on behind closed doors because you probably don’t want to hear that he enjoys a sexual/loving relationship with his wife behind those closed doors.
    Essentially what you are consenting to is a “polygamous” arrangement. The man has love, sex, and emotional ties to two women…his wife and you. His wife is #1 woman (or he would have left her by now) and you are #2 woman (he will leave you if you become too demanding). Since you have tolerated this arrangement for 6 1/2 years total, I am assuming polygamy is ok with you. Your man enjoys the polygamy as well, judging by the fact that he’s not left his wife while in a sexual/loving relationship with you. I am not concerned about either you or the man because you both know your situation is polygamous and have consented to it. I am concerned for the wife who is in such an arrangement and does not know it. She deserves the right to decide if she accepts polygamy and if she accepts the dangers that go with it like STDs, and sharing her man with another woman and all of the other emotional and spiritual complications. If you do not end this situation, please have the decency to tell the wife so she can make an informed decision about how she chooses to live her life.
    I find it interesting that many of us call ourselves Christians and condemn the polygamous Mormons while we, ourselves, engage in polygamy calling it names that we find less offensive like “affairs, flings, spreading our wild oats.” Renia, I am sure you are a loving, devout, Christian. I urge you to recognize with your eyes wide open what you are doing. I wish you luck in choosing the right path.

  • Lauri

    I’ve read the posts. I was involved with a married man. I’m not involved with him anymore. It’s hard to say who ended it. He dropped out of sight. After six months of unanswered emails and phone calls, I called him one last time to say good bye. I still have moments of weakness. I still have to tell myself to stay away. I cleaned house, bit by bit. I felt guilty and disloyal ridding myself of what had become a painful reminder. The catharsis was necessary. I didn’t enjoy doing it, but am glad I did. A weight I didn’t realize I was carrying around was lifted. I credit God for leading me though this, for helping me do the right and loving thing.
    P.S. Mr. Married called the other day. I deleted the message.

  • Connie

    Congratulations Lauri. When you behave in a right and loving way, as you have done, you open yourself up to receive real love that will promote your spirituality and you open yourself up to give the same kind of love. There is no guilt in real love. Guilt is God’s way of asking you to re-evaluate your choices. Mr. Married is not Mr. Right and I think everyone who’s posted here knows that.

  • DMG

    No matter how many steps you follow, the first one should always be
    ” Pray on it” and ask for strength. The rest will all come to pass in your favor…. As long as you always treat others as you yourself would wish to be treated. That means to put respect for others in front of your own desires.

  • Connie

    DMG,
    Thankyou. You need no steps if you follow the very simple law of humanity: treat others as you yourself would wish to be treated. It is so basic and so simple. Thankyou for reminding us. C

  • CJ

    I am so glad to have read this posting. I am not dealing with a married man however I see myself following the same patterns. It is a controlling and mentally abusive relationship and I think that your 10 steps process will be of great benefit to me in detaching myself from the relationship. Thanks for sharing.

  • Stephanie

    I am currently in an affair where he is married and I divorced my husband a few months into the affair. He is still married and it has been a little over 4 years. We have broken up a millions times and currently we are in limbo. We always say that we know this relationship isn’t good for either of us, but we always end up calling eachother…as if it were part of an everyday ritual that we cannot break. I love him and he says he loves me but has not left his wife. He has an 8 year old daughter that would be absolutely devastated if her father left the house. I have heard all of these stories about how people come out of these relationships and move on with their lives. It’s not easy at first, but eventually they move on and never see eachother again. My situation is a “bit” more difficult. About 5 months after having separated from my ex-husband, I became pregnant by this married man. We now have a beautiful 2 yr old boy. I have never been able to speak to anyone or get any feedback from anyone that has been in my same situation. Even if I decide to move on with my life without him (romantically), he will always be present in our son’s life. This is why it’s been so difficult to get away from him emotionally.
    What to do?
    BY THE WAY: His wife now knows about all of it, although not that we are still technically “seeing each other”. Understanding why he decided to stray (her lack of attention, love and affection), she decided to forgive him.

  • Connie

    Stephanie, You are in a tough situation. Does he acknowledge your son as his and does he pay child support payments? Does his wife know about the boy? The hard truth is that in order for his wife to have forgiven him, he must have asked for her forgiveness…which suggests he does not want to leave the marriage. How do you feel about that? WHat are your expectations for the relationship you have with him? Do you want to leave the relationship and move on? Think about steps 1 and 2…measure the pain and recognize the patterns of the “millions” of times you have broken up.

  • Elena

    I had an affair that lasted 12 years, that’s right, TWELVE YEARS.

  • Elena

    Long story short I finally ended it after losing my job (the man always keeps his, women get punished for having sex), my home, most of my sanity, and nearly dying of a bleeding ulcer. I am dating a single man finally and could kick myself for wasting all that time. Yet, if he called me today, it would be difficult for me to hang up on him. He once said that I had never asked for anything. I responded that I had asked for everything and the answer was no. I don’t know if I can love this new man as I loved my married lover. Some days it feels as though I have lost my other half. But I know that I finally did the right thing. He thinks still ! that his wife does not know. Well, sometimes it’s easier not to know, I guess.
    E.

  • Connie

    Believe me, the wife ALWAYS knows. She may not know the name, the face, the dates, the places. But she knows. I know this because I was THE WIFE.

  • the wife

    my husban has decided to confess he has been seeing someone. It has been going on for a few months. He says he doesn’t like the woman I have become. He told me many things he didn’t like about me for the past few years. I listened. He said he is unhappy and he wants to be happy. After talking I decided to forgive him. He never forgave me though. I could see it in his eyes.After leaving home for a week, he confessed, then after being home for 4 days he dipped again and I didn’t see him for 5 days. Our son has been working with his father for about 4 months. I went to his job after 3 days to ask him what was up.He said nothing. I left, went back the next day at lunch time asked him the same thing, I told him I had researched the phone number in his telephone and found out a name and address for this woman. although I know it doesn’t have to be her name and all. He tried not to react but after me keeping asking him what’s up. I finally asked him if he wanted out of the relationship(marriage of 29 years)and he said yes. So I have not called him because he shut his phone off probably. I can’t believe that he isn’t caring or thinking of me and his 4 children, and 5 grandchildren. He has not talked or seen 2 daughters and the grands since mothers day. He sees his son at work and just says what’s up man. Help me here.

  • Another wife

    The Wife, Your husband is in the beginning phases of an affair. During my husband’s affair, he told me the same things…he didn’t like the woman I had become. This somehow justified to himself, the man he’d become…a lier, cheat, and dishonest sneak.
    Years later, when I found out about the affair (which was over by that time), my husband told me that at the beginning of the affair, the sex and everything was an intense high. He thought he was in love with the other woman and that’s why he treated me so horribly at that time. He said this feeling went on until, eventually, the other woman started making demands and became a real pain in the neck as she settled into the “relationship.” During this time, he started to doubt that he wanted to leave his wife and kids (in the initial phase, he was sure he wanted to leave his wife and kids). Now he felt confused, did he want to leave or stay? Go with the other woman or not? Phase III began when he was sure he wanted to stay with his wife and kids but now he had the problem of the “affair.” He knew I would leave him if I found out. Phase III of the “affair” was the nightmare phase. He said he was miserable trying to get rid of the other woman without damaging his marriage. He did get out of the affair but I found out 6 years later anyway. So now he’s out a mistress and has thrown a bomb into his marriage, damaging the trust and love upon which it was built. Someone in this blog got it right, “Absolutely nothing good comes from an affair”
    My advice is give your husband his distance, go your own way. Get into your work, your hobbies, your children. Try your best to ignore him. You don’t need to snoop through his things or check his phone calls. You don’t need to try to find out if he’s having an affair. HE IS and you know it. These affairs are almost always passing things. When his affair is over, then you can address it with him and decide if you want to continue your marriage. Trying to address your marriage when he is in the wonderful, exciting Phase I of an affair will be impossible. You can’t solve problems with 3 people in the equation, especially when the new woman holds all the power. In reality you hold a great deal more power than she( memories, history, family) but he doesn’t feel your power at this time. He will later. Give yourself a marriage “time out” until the water clears and you can make decisions from a more stable position.

  • the wife

    thanks so much for responding I’ve been on pins and needles waiting for someone who has been through it or is going through. I am giving him his space. And I am moving on. thanks for sharing. lol

  • the wife

    well its been 7 days since I have spoken to or seen him. I have had to make some changes in my daily life but I am going on. He has still not contacted any of the family and has not been at work the last 2 fridays. our son works there also. He was supposed to help out with the finances of the house but that was not done either. But it’s all good God has provided and I know he will continue to fulfill our every need. one day at a time lol to all

  • Another wife

    Phase I of an affair is really hard on the rest of the family. It is completely self centered and self absorbed. He will think of no one but himself and feels as if “he has earned it.” He is feeling “alive” after so long. He is “feeling again.” And he thinks this is “love.” He is trying to escape all responsiblity which is why he has begun an affair which is all about fantasy. No ties, no responsibilities, all fun and excitement. He is like a snowball set in motion going down a mountain. It gets bigger and bigger until it turns into an avalanche. There is nothing you can do to stop it. The best you can do is stay out of the way of the avalanche.
    Your husband has obviously been away from work the last two fridays because he’s having long weekends with her, romancing her and living the “fantasy.” My advice again, wait patiently like a cat watching a mouse hole. By the time the mouse appears, you may not want him but it will be your choice at that tim to. God will help you.
    When I asked my husband how he could do what he did and come home and look his wife and children in the eye, he said, ” I was so messed up that I look back and wonder the same thing. I don’t know how I could do it. That person just wasn’t me…it was like being possessed.”
    Good Luck to The Wife, from the Other Wife

  • the wife

    other wife,
    girl don’t be so cold, you know it still hurts that he is caressing some other woman and you say it like its nothing. I already know that is what’s happening. I’m still yet holding on to my faith.

  • Stephanie

    Hi Connie,
    I’m responding to your questions posted on June 1st, responding to my posting on May 31st.
    Yes, he does acknowledge my son as his and he does see him approximately twice a month (every other weekend). He loves his son and he gives me child support monthly. His wife does know about our little boy. Of course, it’s a pain in her side, but who can blame her. The fact that there is something that unites us is what is killing her. I suppose I would feel the same way if I were in her place. His daughter (8 years old) knows that she has a little brother and has come along on the bi-weekly visits with her father. At first, she was quite jealous of her father having another child, but I think she’s gotten over it a bit. She realizes that he doesn’t love her any less because he has another child. She thinks her little brother is adorable and has fun playing with him. I also think that she comes along to “babysit” her father while he’s around me. Her mother has told her the whole truth without realizing the negative effect it could have on her and blames her husband for it. I understand that what he have done and what we are still doing is not right, but that doesn’t mean that she needs to subject her daughter to all the details, especially a little girl of her age.
    As much as we know that we should not continue this relationship, there is something that just doesn’t let us get away from eachother. I think that the fact that we have to see eachother when he sees our son doesn’t help. Allowing him to spend the day with our son without me around is NOT an option. He is still too young to be without me. He will most likely spend the whole day calling for me anyway. He has asked me to let him take him home for the day. Can you imagine letting my son (who doesn’t talk yet and isn’t potty trained) go to where his wife lives? Absolutely not!! It’s very complicating and distressing sometimes.
    Most of the time, I do feel I want to move on with my life because I see he makes no effort to leave. However, the other day he told me that he was arguing with his wife in front of his daughter (which I’ve asked him not to do for her sake, but the wife doesn’t care) and his daughter interjected in the argument and asked her father, “Daddy, do you think it would be better if you left and you can come and see me whenever you want?” He considered what she had asked and he asked her, “Would that be ok with you?” She initially said yes but immediately started crying and he broke down as well. She is his pride and joy and even though he has a son with me, I can’t expect him to just pick up and go. So, I know it’s up to me at this point, but it’s so, so hard!!! He always wants to know how our son is doing and expects me to update him on all the things that he does. What can you suggest I do to make this get at least a little better?
    Thank you,
    Stephanie

  • the wife

    other wife
    how long ago did this happen to you and how long had you been married before he started cheating. the more I think about it the more I find where he was telling me things that were going wrong with us but I was not listening. I took some things for granted. this is not to say he is not wrong for cheating. If he wanted to be happy he should have tried to find happiness with himself first. I feel bad for my family because I am so on edge. I will cry at the drop of a hat. and my son who is 23 and works with his dad thinks I should be holding up better than I am. Everybody need hugs and much love now and I have lost that touchy feely stuff in my life. I fon’t even want anyone to touch me. I feel like such a fool at times. I should have let him go when he had the drug and alcohol addiction 10 years ago. I loved him then and love him now. That battle lasted almost 10 years or more and I should have seen he was unhappy and wanted to fly away then. What is going on with me. Am I so unhappy with myself that I think I need __________.I am 54 yrs old and__________________. Those are blanks that I think I need to fill in. Maybe I have been set free also and don’t realize it. He had the courage to walk out and I never did and maybe I needed to for myself. I have been very unhappy also. Only God can help me through this I know. Do you think this is a pity party or what?

  • Another wife

    The wife, Sorry for sounding “cold.” The affair happened 6 years ago but I just found out 5 months ago so my pain is very fresh…which he doesn’t understand. Also, I found out by discovering his secret e-mail account where he was communicating with her 3-4 times/year. He was still trying to hang on to us both. I totally understand what you are going through. I was just trying to be clinical to help you separate emotionally. In the throws of my husband’s affair, he was horrible to me and I had to separate in order to survive. Just trying to help. Sorry if it didn’t help. Other wife
    By the way, crying at the drop of a hat is completely normal. I’m still doing it since I found out 5 months ago and my husband assures me that he loves me and wants no other. The trauma of such betrayal is immense and not easily overcome. And my husband and I are in Stage III, as I call it, and am just trying to figure out how to flourish and survive. Please do not think that I would trivialize your situation or your suffering.

  • the wife

    i’m so glad to see the comments, I know you are stilll hurting terribly. He asked for the time out so he has it. Your thoughts have helped. I did reread my posting and I did sound like you hurt my feelings. My feeling are just hurt right now as yours are. I’m up know because I can’t sleep, I miss him in the bed even though he and I didn’t touch in the king size bed.(smile)I’ll be praying for you too lol

  • the wife

    the other wife,
    guess what I think my husband left me also because he says I’m not a nice person. And I think he may be right. People do change or think I will say anything. I think my mom even thinks that. I am learning or realizing so much that it really hurts more than I think. I saw this through a conversation with my 25 year old daughter. My husband told another daughter one day that the 25 yr old and I were just alike. That was like last year. And it just came to me after our conversation. Boy oh boy am I glad I went to church today. Oh how it hurts. I got alot of healing and fixing to do. How about you.

  • The Wife

    The wife, Is your husband a nice person? If he is, why would he stay with you for 29 years if you’re not a nice person? Why do you think that you’re not a nice person? Why do you feel that you deserve this? Because that’s what I’m hearing. I’m very sorry for the pain you are feeling. It can be all consuming. If your husband had a drug and alcohol problem 10 years ago and you have been fighting it with him, could it be that he’s back on the juice and has found an “enabler” who has given him the escape he wants? Just some questions. The wife.
    Go see Kung Fu Panda for an escape!

  • the wife

    thanks for the thoughts, I have tossed those around to myself also(smile) you are good for me right now. thanks so much have a good night. I had a couple shots of tequila tonight so I hope I sleep well. lol Did I tell you he walked out while I have been recovering from hand surgery since 4-16. Isn’t he nice. lol light duty work begins for me tomorrow so god has blessed me with something to keep me busy besides snooping. I know it, I don’t need to snoop anymore. (smile)

  • The Wife

    How old is your husband? Mine was 40 when he had the affair and he started the affair just two months before I was diagnosed with breast cancer. He treated me like a “freak” and that did lots for my self esteem while trying to recover from breast cancer. I did recover but without any support from him…..so I have much to forgive beyond and above an affair. He doesn’t get it yet.
    I am trying to learn to forgive. He wants it “immediately” and doesn’t understand why I can’t forgive if I want to forgive. And I do want to forgive. I think it is like trying to force a flower to bloom before it’s time. I will forgive when the time is right and when he has watered the flower long enough and created the climate to make the rose bloom. Or when I bloom on my own with/without him.
    I enjoyed this blog, listening to the lies men tell their mistresses…that they don’t have sex with the wife, that the wife is crazy, that the wife this and that….lies and ploys that women believe because they want to believe whatever will justify how little they will settle for. That they are the only one the man can talk to. I asked my husband if he shared his dreams and thoughts with her, the other woman. He looked at me and said incrediously, “Talk? that wasn’t the point.” But I’d bet all the money I have that he told her that he couldn’t talk to his wife, that she didn’t understand him, that it was over. He just needed a little time to “tie” up the ends, get the kids out of the home and then he’d be “free” to be with her and her alone. Yeah, right! Well, the kids are on their own now and he tells me he’d do anything for us to stay together and have a loving, monogamous marriage. I’m hoping for that, but I have a lot to forgive. If you want to pray for me, pray for me to learn to forgive. And pray for all the good women in this blog to stop being manipulated by men and to have the strength to not throw their lives away on married men….to find a real love for themselves. Most of the women here, like me, need to start loving ourselves first. We have made ourselves vulnerable to manipulative men, both wives and mistresses, by not loving ourselves first. I’m starting to get the courage to walk with the “blinders” off. The wife

  • the wife

    well mine has not asked for forgiveness from me. He is still in with the other woman I guess. I am trying to find and love myself again. I am praying for us all also. We do need courage to take it day by day. I am in the process of moving. when he left he didn’t take anything with him. Should I send a note or something to work with our son and ask him what he wants me to do with his things?
    lol and have a great day.

  • the wife

    oh, he is 56.

  • Another Wife

    Personally, I would take out a small storage space in his name and leave them there. Or just leave them where they are. His things are his responsibility now. He needs to realize he doesn’t have the perks of having a wife anymore. Good luck.

  • the wife

    One of the daughters called him at work today and asked him if they would ever see him again and he told her that everyone has their own life to live and we all need to do that. And don’t worry about him he will be ok and so will she. he may have said something else i don’t know. I do want him to know that please don’t let us get in the way of seeing his children. But he should already know that shouldn’t he? If he wanted to he could call any of them or even just go over their places. Why do you think he can’t see anyone? Oh god help me to understand and maybe got just help me to get through my part in this. In Jesus name I pray………..thank other wife for your in put. lol

  • The Wife

    If you have not experienced a period of your life where you are 100% self centered, where only your happiness and pleasure is important, you cannot understand the situation of the Phase I affair. He does not want to contact the children because they are a part of his “other life” and are grown up so he doesn’t feel responsible and he doesn’t want any distractions from his “high.” Think of the high of a heroine hit (haven’t ever had it but people tell me it’s addictive beyond comprehension). Think of new love, the high of that first time. Nothing else counts. You are in a world of your own. He is going through this sort of high and nothing but that is important…at least for now. Of course, it’s not real love, but he doesn’t know that yet. Like all “highs” you have to come down sometime…and he will. If he has loved his children, he will want them desperately at some future point in his life….when his feet are back on the ground. Patience. Remember the cat who waits….the cat is never disapointed. Use God, your children, whatever you need to comfort you now. Understanding may be impossible at this time, and unnecessary. Separate as much as you can.

  • the wife

    thanks for the thoughts again today. they are much appreciated. Are there any thoughts I can help you with. You pray for me I’ll pray for you. lol

  • the wife

    how do you talk to your sister who has been cheating on her husband and now in a mess, just the opposite of me. A daughter has just realized that her husband of 2 yrs has been and is still cheating on her and has no plans to stop. (3 kids later)She says she is leaving him.I am having a hard time dealing with this. Help me Lord

  • Connie

    There is never an excuse for “cheating or beating”. I don’t care what has gone on in a relationship…never, ever. You can tell your sister..not to..and your daughter that her husband “shouldn’t but it’s not about your sister’s husband or your daughter. Nothing to do with them. Most people who cheat do so from lack of self esteem, self loathing and depression. Cheating is an “acting out” against the good part of your soul. People who no longer want their relationship because of a myriad of legitimate reasons, get out. They don’t cheat. Cheating, lying and deceiving are acts of self loathing and emotional abuse projected on another person. WE need to acknowledge cheating for what it is….another form of abuse. It’s not about sex.
    People say that affairs “just happened” I didn’t plan it and didn’t want to hurt anyone. Denial. People who cheat are angry inside and blame their significant other for that anger. They strike out in the most hurtful and intimate way that they can. Cheating is a violent, angry behavior. And that behavior will eventually or simultaneously be directed to the cheater’s lover. Wives, significant others, lovers, mistresses? Do you see this pattern of abuse?

  • shea

    I see the pattern…I was married for 12 years with 3 beautiful children.We had a great marriage or so I thought. He met her at work, I was busy with my job, the kids etc. I guess she gave him what he needed.Anyway,we have been divorced almost 9 years.He married her 2 years ago. They seem to be very happy. The other woman does sometimes get her man. I have got a wonderful man in my life,my kids, a great job (which by the way pays more than the two of them make together)and my peace of mind. The kids will never get over having a broken home, but are doing as well as expected. Just know that God and time will heal the pain. I will pray for those of you who are being cheated on..By the way,the ex and I have had a few serious talks over the years and he says that he is not happier now..just has a whole new set of problems…something to think about for those who are considering cheating.

  • Connie

    Shea,
    Yes, sometimes the other woman does get her man but, as you pointed out, the flawed man…the man who would cheat on his wife. The problems your ex husband had inside that allowed him to cheat, he took to his next relationship which doesn’t make him happier in that relationship either.
    I’m curious. Since your ex is now married to “the other woman”, I’m assuming he was unwilling to give her up at the time of “discovery.” Right? If he’d been willing to end it with her, would you have stayed in the marriage? Would you have forgiven him and tried to make it work?
    You say that she gave him what he needed. You were working on your career and raising children. You were contributing in every way to the success of the family unit. While you were doing this did he give you what you needed at the time? Support and love and faithfulness?

  • Shea

    Connie, i would like to have tried. It would have been hard, but i think if he had been truly sorry, I could have tried to make it work, but he was never sorry for anything but getting caught I dont think. I just want everyone who is going through this to know that it gets better, its not the end of the world even if it feels like it at the time. At the time of discovery, I dont think he knew how hard it would be 1)to live without his kids on a day to day basis, 2) to hand over all the child support every month and 3)to maintain the style to which he had become accustomed with less cash to do it with and 4)losing alot of friends as I ended up with the great majority after all was said and done…and no, after the affair started, he stopped giving what I needed..all his energy was directed toward her..like an addiction..

  • Connie

    Yes, when a person is in the throws of an affair, it is like an addiction. I asked my husband, here’s a weight balance…in this hand is your wife, your children, your home, your friends and family, and on this side is your mistress. How did the mistress side weigh in as more important than all of this?” He simply said there is no explanation…it’s insanity..in his words. In an addiction, people give up their entire lives for the “fix” so I think your description is very accurate. THanks for letting me and others know that it’s not the end of the world. My husband is very sorry and we are trying to work things out…but it’s not easy. For 4 months I was in shock and was cooperative with him and tried to forgive. Now I’m in a period of extreme anger and not feeling cooperative or peaceful about any of it. Is that normal? I want to move on but am having difficulty and anger issues.

  • Anonymous

    Connie
    Your anger is completely normal and justified. I hope you are talking with him about this to let him know that you are still hurt, angry, betrayed and all the other things that go along with what you are going through. If you know without a doubt he is sorry for what he did, i hope you can forgive him because marriages are worth saving if both people want to work it out. I wish you all the best..

  • “t”

    The biggest mistake I ever made in my life was to allow myself to become attached emotionally to a woman not my wife. It’s just not worth it. It would have been a lot more productive for me to go home and talk to my wife about my feelings. But … it’s so much easier when an attractive woman is paying attention to you. You think … what’s the harm? I’m not “doing anything” with her. Well … that’s the Big Lie that sustains these destructive relationships. They are destructive because they siphon away all of your emotional energy — leaving nothing for your primary relationship. In addition to that, you become “attached” to this “relationship” like a crack addict does to his pipe. If I didn’t see my crush in the morning at work, I would actually become agitated (withdrawal symptoms). I had to see her. I had to hear her voice. I had to have my “alone time” with her. Problem is, unless your marriage or real primary relationship is in fact over, you are faced with a stark and tricky choice — do you wreck what you have and chase the fantasy or do you try to kick your habit? After a good year and a half of being on this “drug”, I had to get away from it. I couldn’t take the depression and anxiety that seems to be part and parcel of these arrangements. Yes, there were incredible highs — but then came the crushing lows — which were more often than not. The weekends you couldn’t be together. The days you didn’t see her. The times you felt her pulling away. The confusion you felt when she came back after pulling away. All psychodrama any sane individual could simply live without. To anyone enmeshed in an emotional affair (a trap of the heart as I like to call it), do yourself a favor and get out now and reconnect with your primary significant other. It is so unfair to compare these fantasy relationships with your real relationship.

  • Connie

    Thanks for the words of encouragement and experience. But, when you give up the “addiction”, the other woman, are you just settling for what is more comfortable? I ask this because my husband broke off his “affair” when he found out she’d been sleeping with another man and apparently came back to me. (It would have been nice if I’d known he’d left so I could have decided what I wanted to do midst all his psychodrama) This makes me feel like second choice and that he’s just settling. Any insight into this problem?
    He was definitely living in a fantasy because the addiction had an 8 month old child by a man who left her and wouldn’t take paternity tests. My husband saw himself as a “knight in shining armor” who needed to help the damsel in distress track down the father and make him accountable. Soon his “knight” got sucked into a fantasy romance with this woman I have known other men who get into affairs trying to “help” a woman they see as needy. I am a strong, independent, woman and I’m sure my husband has never seen me as “needy.” Is this “knight in shining armor” fantasy common?

  • Shea

    Connie, I know you have been through alot. It sounds like a nightmare. I know things are complicated, but it boils down to this (in my humble opinion). If you think he is sorry, try to forgive. If you think he is with you because he couldn’t have her, then kick him out.You deserve more than that. Only you can answer the question “Am I better with him or without him?”..It sounds like the other woman has so many problems, I don’t see how she would have the time or energy for an affair.

  • Connie

    Shea , Thanks for the advice. You are right. I need to decide and I have come to the conclusion that everyone would be better off if I forgive him and we move on…that’s in my head. What I’m having difficulty doing is getting my heart to follow. After what he has done to our love and union for so long has made it hard for me to think of him in the same way that I used to. If the father of your children and the man in your bed lies to you, treats you badly and cheats on you for years, it’s hard to trust or believe in him. I don’t see him as a “man” in the same way and I’ve lost so much respect for him. I’m hoping this will pass and that I can relearn how to look at him with love and respect, the way I’ve done for so many years. He wants to start over…with us. But, I can’t seem to make my feelings and heart follow what I know is best for me and him and everyone. I probably need to see a therapist because this just isn’t happening the way I’d like it to happen. I don’t want to feel this anger and mistrust and betrayal…but I do.
    The “other woman”, by the way, is a poor, uneducated, single woman (with a dismal future at age 30 in her culture) from the Amazon jungle who courts only and simultaneously, “Gringo” men in the hopes of winning a green card to the states. Such women as she are known as “professionals” and spend their entire existence training in the pursuit of the American “gringo”, married or not, does not matter. They try to break up American marriages through any trick in the book and, if lucky, make it to the states, only to get citizenship and then divorce and go their own way. Seen it happen over and over again while living in South America. I don’t fear anything from this woman, as far as our marriage goes. She has shown her hand and colors to my husband and he cannot believe how he was “duped.” But he has done so much damage to my image of him, duped or not. Thanks for listening.

  • Confused

    I love my husband very much, and he is good to me, but over the years, we have really grown apart. I know it’s not fair to marry someone expecting them to change, but I think that’s exactly what I did. Things I didn’t like, but could accept, at the beginning of our relationship began to put a huge strain on our marriage as I got older and less tolerant of some of the behavior I was seeing. I started to wonder if he could ever grow into the man that I needed him to be, and when I would try to talk to him about anything I have a problem with, he’s always walked away from the conversation or shut me down. I felt very emotionally abandoned for a long time.
    About 6 months ago, I heard from my old high school sweetheart. He wanted to look me up and see how I’d been. He was my first love, and although deep down, I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, I coudn’t resist taking him up on his offer to re-connect. I justified it as an innocent friendship…just two old friends having coffee…but I didn’t tell my husband I was talking to him. I justified that by the fact that my husband’s always been jealous and wouldn’t understand me being friends with any guy for any reason. The truth was, I was having more feelings for this man than what you have with your friends, and at one point, I even kissed him. I regretted it and I’m not even sure why I let it happen, but I did. There was nothing physical after that, just talking, but we talked a lot. My husband eventually found an email exchange between us and confronted me. I confessed everything to him and we’ve even started going to counseling together to try to repair things.
    I figured out that spending time with this other man was giving me something I felt I was missing in my marriage, and that I needed to spend my time focussing on my marriage instead of this other relationship. My husband is still angry about things, not that I can blame him, but it feels like things are getting better. I don’t feel like our marriage is on the verge of ending anymore. Our communication is improving, but I haven’t fully held up my end of the bargain. He made me swear not to talk to this man ever again, and I told him I wouldn’t. I felt like it was a promise I could live up to…like I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t need to turn to someone else now for what I wasn’t getting from my marriage because we are making things better.
    The problem is, I feel incredibly guilty for ‘abandoning’ someone I care about who really needs a friend right now and who feels like I am the only friend he can trust or be open with. I still care about him, and I can’t help that. He’s been through a lot and the last thing I want to do is be the cause of things being even worse for him. He’s not trying to pursue a romantic relationship with me, and he hasn’t tried to pursue that from the beginning. He has never asked for anything more than a friendship. I worry about him when we don’t talk. I just need to know that everything is okay on his end. I haven’t seen him, but I have talked to him on the phone, and I feel incredibly guilty for it because I know I’m not being honest with my husband. I just don’t know how to resolve this ‘no win’ situation that I have created for myself and others that I care about. No matter what I do, I am hurting someone by the fact that I had selfish actions in the first place. Now I feel like there is no right answer.

  • Annie

    Confused, I’m addressing your post in particular (forgive me for my long rant…it’s meant in good intention).
    I don’t have any specific answers, but I have experienced the situation where a possessive boyfriend made me promise not to talk to my friends about whatever issues we were having at the time. At the time, I didn’t know I would need to talk about my feelings on these issues, so, of course, I agreed to his “promise”. Well, after doing what I NEEDED to do which was talk things over with a friend (duh), and he got mad about it, I realized that he didn’t have a right to control who I talked to and what I said to them. Slightly different situation, but similar feelings involved.
    Some wise person once said that it’s impossible for men and women to be just friends if they’re attracted to each other (and, I’d argue, if one or both is single).
    I really like Therese’s ‘step 1. Measure the Pain’, which can be easily applied to friends as well as affairs. Make sure being friends with this guy is actually a good thing for YOU, not just him! If you feel overwhelmingly that you should be friends with the guy, you should try to be honest about it with your husband (like saying, “I know I promised I wouldn’t talk to the guy, but I really think he needs help and I’d like to call him and make sure he’s ok” kind of thing).
    I think a lot of women tend to feel like they have to take care of men emotionally, the same way (like in Connie’s post) that men like to be Knights in shining armor. But remember that people tend to be very resilient and if this old flame guy really needs help, you are NOT the only person on the planet that he can turn to.
    Have faith that he will be alright in the grand scheme, as you will be also. And I wish you the best figuring out what’s best for YOU.

  • Connie

    Dear Confused,
    I’m NOT confused after reading your post. You are not entering into a “friendship” with your old flame. You are beginning an “emotional affair.” That is why you feel guilty because you are doing what you know to be dangerous for you, your husband, and your old flame. Friends don’t romantically kiss each other. Your old flame is using the oldest trick in the book to ensnare, ‘”You are the only person I can confide in…you are my Saviour…only you can fix what ails me.” Rubbish. I’m not suggesting he’s doing this consciously, but it is what is happening.
    Counseling will not help a great deal as long as there’s 3 in the picture and you’re clearly allowing this old flame to be a part of your intimate life through your thoughts. He has no right there.
    Please read the post by “t” on June 22. Try not to go there. I do wish you the best and the vision that you need.

  • Connie

    Dear Confused, I reread my post regarding your situation and felt it was a little bit harsh. Sorry. It’s just that I see you falling into a snakepit. How long have you been married and could you possibly be in your “40s”? Your first paragraph sounds like every good marriage I’ve known with people in their 40s-50s and married 20+ years. Some avoid the snakepit and make it. Others don’t. I’m praying for you to make it since you say you love your husband and that he’s been good to you. Good luck. Sorry for being so caustic.

  • shea

    I agree with Connie…dont go into the snakepit…an emotional affair can move into a physical one and even if it doesn’t can cause just a much pain…an affair if you “love” your husband is not the answer and wont help anything..

  • Confused

    We’ve been married almost 15 years. My husband has never been abusive or cheated on me or anything like that, but at the time this all started, he had been cold and distant and refusing to listen to any of my concerns for quite some time, and I was definitely looking for something to fill a void and wondering if this friendship could or should become something more. Things have gotten much better since all of this came up and he’s been willing, for the first time, to listen to what I have to say.
    It actually could have turned into a physical affair very easily early on. The kiss just sort of happened, and we both agreed that things were moving in the wrong direction and neither of us intended for it to turn into more than a friendship and that it would be wrong to allow that to happen. I wished I had never hid it in the first place or let it go in the direction that it started going.
    I would like to have the kind of friendship with him where it is above board and out in the open with my husband and everyone is comfortable around each other, but I don’t think that will ever be an option because my husband would never be able to accept that. He’s actually told me that he can’t accept the idea of any kind of friendship with this man, above board or otherwise. Since my husband found out about this a few months ago, we haven’t seen each other, only had phone conversations.
    I understand that the only safe option for my marriage is to end this friendship. It’s just easier said than done when it’s someone I care about and have known forever. Anyway, I understand what you are saying and the advice was helpful. Thanks.

  • Confused

    Oh…and I’m still a few years away from being in my “40′s” :)

  • Connie

    Dear Confused,
    You understand in your mind what you should do…end the relationship with your old flame. You would like an above board relationship with your friend in the open, honest vision of your husband. But, your husband realizes where this is going since he found you were corresponding behind his back and he found your e-mails. His natural response is to not want you to have anything to do with this friend. Now you have stopped seeing your friend but are corresponding through telephone calls. Does your husband know about these calls and would you feel comfortable if he could hear every word that passes between you and your friend? If the answer to these questions is “yes”, you have a platonic relationship with an old friend. If the answer is “no”, you are engaging in an emotional affair. Your life. Your choice. Best of luck.

  • Confused

    No to the first question and Yes to the second. He doesn’t know of the phone calls because he would be angry about them regardless of their content, but I would feel completely comfortable with him hearing every word that passes between us because I do believe that they are totally platonic in nature…impossible for him to imagine considering the way I handled this upfront, but it is the truth. The problem is, I broke his trust by hiding this from him to begin with, and although I felt at the time that his jealousy was a convenient way for me to justify that, I realize that I have created the mess that I am currently in.
    I guess if I could use this to pass on my lesson to anyone else, it would be to keep your relationship with your spouse honest no matter how hard it might be because one way or the other, it ends up in permanently broken trust and a lot of hurt on both sides if you try to handle it any other way.

  • Connie

    Confused, The situation becomes more complicated, in my eyes. Not so black and white. I think you sincerely believe the situation to be platonic. But I feel a sexual energy, even from here in my office…an energy that, perhaps, you have buried or are unaware of…I think your friend is very aware of it and so is your husband. That said, “jealousy” is a juvenile emotion and if your husband is still in that world, you probably needed an escape…any escape, since you say you’re in your 30s….way too old for adolescent relationship emotions like jealousies and posessiveness.
    Maybe you might look again at your relationship with your husband. The hardest thing in marriage, when you know something is missing, is to figure out exactly what that THING is. If you can do that, you might discover why you want this relationship with your friend so badly as to risk discovery and damage to your marriage. Obviously, your husband is threatened by your secretivity and he should be. What is missing in your marriage? Or what is there that you wish was not?

  • Elena

    People are only human and we are sexual beings. I’m still grieving the end of my affair. In our culture to have an affair is an addiction, in others it’s just accepted. In France the wife and the mistress stand next to each other at the funeral! I do not believe that an affair is an addiction. Why not decriminalize this “addiction” so that we can be free of guilt? We have enough guilt as it is. I wasn’t a good enough wife, mother, daughter, employee…the list goes on and on. How about declaring guilt an addiction instead of this.
    I live in a map-dot town, middle of nowhere, PA. I laughed out loud when I first moved here and found a listing for “Sexaholics of (name of town”.) Practically everybody here is 80 years old or more. Sexaholics? Give me a break!
    In the end I did decide that this was doing me more harm than good. It cost me my job, my mental and emotional health, the respect of my children, and much more. Today I live in an overpriced student apartment and am lucky to have THAT. I go to weekly talk therapy and a psychiatrist for meds. After looking over eveything I’ve been through, the doctor said that I’m “emotionally distraught” and will probably be on meds for the rest of my life. I do meditation and deep breathing but so far, it’s not enough.
    Thanks for listening to my rant, and thanks to Therese for making lemonade out of the lemons life handed her.
    Blessings,
    Elena

  • Connie

    Dear Elena,
    I’m sorry to hear of your situation and hope that you can find some peace/happiness. It’s interesting, your point of view. I actually think you make some good points. The French do not suffer to the degree we do from “affairs” in that it is accepted and often, expected, for both men and women. But they do suffer, believe me. I once dated a French man with a wife and she was dating her “other” and things do not always go well. THe French, though, have lovers, not affairs in the American sense of meaning.
    But, here’s the difference in cultures and it’s HUGE. Honesty, trust vrs. deceit, lies and all the blackness that comes with living a facade and treating another human being with such disrespect( and I mean who the cheater deceives and lies to). In France, when you want to sleep with another, you tell the significant other and are upfront with that. (of course, this is the picture we think of….it doesn’t always happen that way) We have the same thing here in America…we call it an “open marriage/relationships” and many people live very happily that way.
    What makes an affair an “addiction” is not the sex…it’s the lifestyle of lying to yourself, others and friends, making commitments and breaking them. Deceiving your children, yourself, your husband,your lover, his wife, friends and your entire legitimate community. If you, your husband, your lover, and his wife are all informed of the situation and agree to it, there is nothing wrong with it and you would not have the problem you have. It’s an “affair” because you have kept it secret, have thrived on it, and have been willing to give up all you have for it, the pain feels good, and it makes no sense. An addiction.
    Marriage, American style, has a commitment of fidelity as the #1 or #2 clause. If you couldn’t do that, you should probably have owned up to it and been honest. Personally, I don’t see sexual infidelity as THE major problem in American marriages….it’s all the deceit that goes with it. I’m probably too harsh, but that’s the way I see it. Plus, I’ve just been on the receiving end of lies. Hope you never have to be there Elena. No one should have to if people would just treat each other with dignity, love, kindness, and respect.
    I agree with the person in this blog who said, “The grass grows where you water it.” Sometimes we’re kinder to our plants and grass than the people in our families/marriages/lives.
    I’m working on forgiveness (not easy) so that neither my husband nor I will end up in your situation. I do wish you the very best and will pray for you. I hope you will get your children back at the very least. They were not in your situation in your time in space when this all started. They were only children and could not understand the dynamics of the relationship between you and your husband at the time. Intimate relationships are very complicated and I’m trying to understand that in my husband’s situation…. a very necessary step to forgiveness.

  • Connie

    By the way, an after thought…I agree with you. Guilt can be a very destructive addiction. I’m working on not going there. Like, I wasn’t good enough of a woman or my husband wouldn’t have had an affair. Rubbish.

  • Anonymous

    another wife, I need your input. If you respond to this comment I will know you are still out there. It has really blown up on me.

  • Another wife

    I’m still here.What’s up?

  • the wife

    why is it so hard to forgive. He has come home and it has been about 3 wks. he says he is no longer seeing her. It was not about her it was about us not being happy. Well I have been happy or so I thought I was and he says I am too critical of him still . I guess I expected to be showered with gifts and I have gotten aloneness. I have been sick on the stomach all wk. We had a big blow up on Tu. in front of our son. It got nasty. I said alot about him leaving and all and he says see there you can’t not bring it up. There is no sex either. On his part. He claims he is afaid because of some vaginal bkeeding I experience when we do it. It has been that way for about 9 mos. but it’s not life threatning. But he is worried (ha) He does not want to talk at all. only small talk. Well he left on Thurs I have not heard from him. He sent money home with our son. Told me he was working late and he would call me at 8 Oh well it never came.

  • limoges

    Can you comment on the difference between a ‘brief’ affair vs. a longer-term affair? Can you also addres the level of deception vs. just a few lies that go along with the longer term affair? How does one truly recover from the longer-term lies over years?

  • Limoges

    As per the earlier posts, remember that we are fantastic women and no one person ’causes’ another to have an affair. The person having the affair is ‘choosing’ to deal/cope with their emotions by choosing another person – it’s no different than indulging in shopping, over eating, drinking too much, etc. The difference I found with the affair is that it’s the level of betrayal that goes along with it and all the mental abuse that one goes through. The affair/sex itself I think can be dealt with but it’s all the deceit and the ‘it’s you – you’re insecure, you don’t trust me, you’re paranoid’ when in fact you’re RIGHT. You DO know something is amiss; something is missing; that you’re having a relationship with yourself. My question is: why can’t men just own up to the fact and a) tell their wife b) discuss it like adults c) get counseling or d) get a divorce. I’ve yet to find a man who is actually monogamous – i’ve ended all the relationships I’ve been in over ‘affairs’. Not sure..maybe it’s naive but I think that there MUST be a man who can actually love ONE woman. If not, guess I’ll be knitting sweaters by myself or travelling with other women who can’t seem to find that man either!

  • A mormon

    Connie,
    Mormons are NOT polygamous. That hasn’t been the case for over 100 years. Do your research first!

  • Confused

    What if you had an affair and both people are married and swore that it would never become more than a friendship? Of course it does. You both go back to your life and family because that is the right thing to do, but still have strong feelings for that person and keep thinking of all the what ifs? I love my husband and am very lucky to have someone like him, but how and why does this happen? I have moved on but I still think about the way I felt when I was with the other person emotionally. Can someone explain this even when I know that it is wrong!!!!!!!!

  • Also Confused

    Confused I am so right where you are right now and if you get the answer I hope you will share it with me.Mine was never more than talk ing an texting but the emotional connection was very intense. I hate that I could not find that with my husband of almost 18 years. My husband knows about all of it because of MANY phone calls and text at all hours of the day. I wish I could explain it to you or visa versa. After reading yourpost I feel as thought you and I are walking in the same shoes today and have been for awhile. Maybe we can help one another through this mess!!!

  • kimberly

    how to end an affair that both parties will not get hurt. please send me a reply on this. can we be friends for life if we separate?

  • P

    Hey Kimberly, it will never happen that no one will get hurt. Just consider the past your bonus time, memories to treasure forever…:)

  • T. Robbins

    My husband had an affair for a year and a half. We had been married for 14 years at the time. He just came clean about the affair, now, and it’s 6 years later. We have now been married for 20 years. We are both still really young. We were married at 18, and 20. We have 3 children, 2 in elementary school, and 1 in middle school. When he came clean about the affair, we were at a pretty good place in our marriage, getting along well, etc.
    He came clean with this information 5 months ago. We have been going to Christian Counseling too. I love him desperately. He loves me too, and is extremely remourseful. He was never in love with the affair partner; it was never about the sex; it was never about a true ‘emotional’ affair. It was primarily about ‘her’ giving him attention and respect at a time in our lives and marriage when he felt he wasn’t getting it from me at home. During the time of the affair, our family was young; we had a 2 year old, a 3 year old and a 6 year old. I was going through a severe depression that I was working on through medication and counseling; my husband, my best friend, left me at a time I needed him most.
    My question is this; I cannot seem to move past this. I cannot seem to let it go. I am a Christian. I absolutely HATE this ‘affair partner’ with every ounce of being I am. I do not know how to get the visions of my husband and this person out of my head. I do not know how to move past this. I do not know how to let this go completely and move on. I am so hurt. I cannot hardly deal with the disloyalty from my husband. How do I forgive something so unforgivable? I want to. I do not want to hurt anymore, but I do. Please help if you can.
    Sincerely,
    T~

  • Another wife

    T, your situation sounds very similar to mine. I was married 13 years when my husband had an affair for 2 years. The affair started a few months before I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I was living overseas and had my treatment in Texas. After my treatment, I returned to South America and received nothing but “coldness” from my husband. I thought it was because of the cancer. Six years later, after our family moved back to the states, I found a secret e-mail account where my husband was corresponding with this woman 4-5 times/year. Talk about betrayal. My husband feels terrible about all of this and has said he will do anything to get back to normal. It’s been 7 months since I found out and I’m having a real hard time getting past it. Just when I think I’m doing ok with it, I’m hit by another tidal wave of hurt, anger, and disbelief.
    I hate to say it but I’m beginning to believe Limoges when she says she has yet to meet a monogamous man. I NEVER thought my husband would do this because if I had thought so, I never would have married him. I believe every individual has the right to live the type of lifestyle they want to in this short life. The type of lifestyle I want to live is monogamously with one man. I don’t want to have to worry about where he is or who he’s with when he’s on a business trip. I really don’t want to spend my life energy on that type of junk. If I wanted to live that way, I wouldn’t have gotten married and would have continued to date around. If my husband didn’t want to live monogamously, he should have told me so and divorced me so that I could move on to find a man who wants to live the way I want to live.
    THat sounds sensible to me but I don’t expect to get everything out of life. I think my husband, and many men, believe they can have everything…the wife and kids at home, and the wild sex with the plaything. The Madonna=whore complex. Well, my husband lost the other woman and almost lost me as well. Actually if I don’t get over this, he will have lost me as well.
    T. It’s been 7 months and he thinks that’s long enough to forget it entirely. Well, his affair lasted two long years while I was recovering from cancer and then he continued to contact her for 6 more years…each time was a betrayal in my eyes. So, if he wants me he will have to wait how ever long it takes. I’ve waited 8 years, knowing that there was this wall of another woman between us. All I can say T is that it does get better with time. I spent 4 months in shock, 2 months in incredible anger. This last month has been better.
    There is absolutely nothing good that comes from an affair and people always get hurt. An affair happens to people who cannot see an affair for what it is. AN amorous adventure that is “wrong” (which makes it more fun for many) with no daily responsibilities (cooking, cleaning, kids, finances, Who’s going to do the dishes when everyone is tired? Who’s going to change the loads in the washer? Who’s going to take the sick dog to the vet? etc.) that take the spontaneity and fun out of a relationship. In an affair you can really talk to this other person because you can play the marriage “victim”, get all the sympathy you need, be appreciated, get attention and you don’t have to do anything real or hard like pay bills, mow the grass, juggle a family’s busy schedules. You can “escape” from reality in an affair.
    I just reread my last paragraph. What am I thinking? I don’t need lexapro. I need an affair!

  • Another wife

    The Wife,
    Sounds like your husband is bouncing between you and the other woman. THat means that things aren’t going too sweetly with him and the other woman either. I think you’re faced with the question we all have to ultimately answer, “Are you better with or without him?” It sounds like this emotional limbo he’s put you in is resulting in physical illness for you. Your answer might be “without” him, at least, for now. Good luck.

  • T. Robbins

    To the lady that went through cancer who answered my post…..
    First, thank you so much for sharing your story. It does help to know or talk to someone who is experiencing the same pain you are going through. You have described almost exactly a LOT of what I am feeling. I have had incredible anger. And, like you said, just when I think I’m dealing with things or doing o.k., I end up taking 2 or 3 steps backward and going through the anger all over again, sometimes in a different way. It’s so hard to describe. My husband has been quite patient for the most part, and has taken just about everything I’ve dished out. He knows how extremely wrong he was. He knew it was wrong at the time as well as now. He does not defend it, nor does he try to put any of it on me. Thank God for that, because, I don’t think I would be able to stay with him otherwise. Like you, I NEVER thought he would EVER do that to me. Out of all the men I know, I NEVER thought he would be the one to cheat. Like you, I would not have married him if I had. If there is one thing I am, it is I am loyal to a fault. That’s partly why I’m having such a hard time forgiving that. And, like your husband, my husband continued a sort of “friendship/working friendship” with this woman (if you can call her that.) He kept in touch with her over the years maybe 3 to 5 times a year via e-mail, and like you, I feel that that’s a betrayal in itself. He also pushed this “woman” on me before his affair started and while it was occuring…I knew they were “friends.” I suspected and confronted him during his affair about the two of them, only on suspicion, but of course, he denied it and I believed him like a fool. This “woman” he was “friends” with ended up being our real estate agent so we could get free commission on the sale of our old house and purchase of our new house. “She” took us around to see properties; etc. My husband brought her into our home; he brought her into our life. Somehow, he could separate their “affair” and their relationship as “friends”, so he didn’t find it weird to have us around one another. It never crossed his mind because he never thought of “her” that way. I think it was sick and demented. Again, as you mentioned earlier, I am also unfortunately, beginning to believe, there is no such creature as a monogamus man. It was easy for “her” to be the one to treat him well; “she” wasn’t the stay at home mom with 3 kids, who ended her career of 10 years to be a stay at home mom and adjust to all of that while adjusting to having 3 babies in 4 years. That was part of my depression. Having 3 babies in 4 years can really throw a woman’s body out of wack, especially when the last 2 babies were less than 13 months apart. And, what do I get for that? What do I get for being a loyal, loving wife, staying home, taking care of our family? I get an unfaithful husband. How does that happen? Why does it happen? I’m am throwing myself a pity party, I know. I just cannot move past the fact that the many I have committed my LIFE to, given my HEART to, pledged my LOVE to, given my LOYALTY to, had a FAMILY with could betray me so badly. Words cannot describe or do not give full description to the betrayal and pain I feel.
    Also….to the last post from the person who said it sounds like my husband is “bouncing between you and the other woman.” Could you elaborate on what you meant by that? I’m not sure I followed what you were saying.
    Thank you for listening. Any and all prayers are appreciated. Thanks for sharing your pain too.
    Sincerely,
    T~

  • Another wife

    T, I was addressing The Wife, an earlier post, regarding the bouncing back and forth, not you. Her husband leaves home to be with the other woman and when things don’t go well with the other woman, comes back home.
    Regarding your situation, why do you think your husband told you about this affair 6 years later? Why do you think your husband pushed this woman toward you and into your life? I agree with you. I find that sick and demented. But there was a woman that I believe my husband was involved with 7 years into our marriage and he “pushed” her on me also. Always wanting to take pictures of the two of us together. I thought it strange at the time. Of course, he denies that there was ever an affair but now, after I’ve discovered his affair 6 years ago, I’m sure I was right back then too. Always trust your intuition.
    I think there is something sick about the man who revels in the danger of having his wife and mistress together. The mistress and he shares this intimacy and somehow finds the wife’s naivity a “turn on.” It’s like Bill Clinton getting a kick out of having sex with Ms. Flowers in the library next to the governor’s dining room while Hiliary entertained guests on the other side of the wall. It’s a sort of sick thrill seeker but at great expense to his wife. I think it shows total disregard and respect for your partner…and no concern for how you feel. Believe me, I know how you feel because I’m dealing with the same thing. And everyone tells me to forgive him because he’s a good man and a good father. LIke you, my head wants to forgive but my heart is profoundly wounded. If the man whom you’ve trusted with your heart and soul is capable of such cruelty, what is he not capable of? THat is the question that has come to my mind. Some days, I can forgive and love him again. Then I think about what he has done for so many years, and the anger comes back.
    The words of encouragement I can give you is that the “angry” days are becoming fewer than the good days. In the early months, there were no good days. I liken what I’m going through to the grief that comes about from a death. And there has been a death. The death of the trusting, innocent, all consuming love that I thought we shared. I am learning to love him again but it will never be that trusting love that gives all to the loved. I have heard people say that marriage can be better after an affair. I’ve heard people say that cancer was the best thing that ever happened to them. Well, I’ve had cancer and my husband had an affair. And I say that cancer takes away the bliss of anticipated good health and a husband’s affair takes away the beauty of unwaivering trust. You are never the same after cancer and your marriage is never the same after an affair. But life goes on and I am trying to learn to love and forgive. As you say, it is not easy. It’s a daily struggle. None of us expect to be assaulted in our own home nor do we expect our life partner to be the one to rape our hearts….and that’s how my husband’s betrayal feels to me…like a very personal rape. He just doesn’t get it.

  • Another perspective

    I just wanted to say that there ARE monogomous men in the world, and there are also some who would cheat under any circumstances, given the chance.
    I think there are habitual cheaters, and they don’t change, and if you’re married to one, I hope you can recognize and get away from it because it will do nothing but devalue yourself and make you miserable.
    I also think there are those who would never imagine themselves cheating until they ended up in a situation they never imagined themselves being in. It’s easy to blame your spouse for the problems in your marriage, even if they are not the spouse’s fault. When you tell yourself that it’s her/his fault the marriage is unhappy, whether that’s the truth or not, it makes it easier to justify committing un-justifiable acts. What I’m saying is, if the husband is unhappy and has convinced himself that it’s all the wife’s fault, even if it isn’t, it would be easier for him to justify in his mind the selfish actions of looking elsewhere for affections… emothionally, he has already left…doesn’t make it right, but it makes it human.
    It’s understandable to be angry with your husband, but you’ll never get past it unless you find a way to believe that he is committed to fixing things and doing it differently from now on AND that he did not do what he did with the intention of hurting you. Not that it wasn’t careless and cold and insensitive and just plain wrong…but if you believe that he honestly wanted you to be hurt, then I don’t see how you could ever forgive him.
    There are always 2 sides, and even when one person is clearly in the wrong, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they set out with the worst of intentions. Forgiveness is so important if you want to move on, but to forgive, you have to find some way to understand how he could have ever let that happen. If you believe that he is cold and callous and couldn’t care less what it did to you, how could you be with him day after day and ever put this behind you? To ever forgive, you must reach some point of understanding and imagining what could have ever put him in the frame of mind to do such a thing. I’m not saying to take the responsibility on yourself because it’s not your responsibility to take. I’m just saying to try to find some way to see that he was probably in a pretty bad spot when he started making the wrong choices that he made. I imagine that his regret and remorse matches your anger and feelings of betrayal, and if you honestly believe it doesn’t, refer to what I said about habitual cheaters.

  • Confused

    Also Confused,
    Just to avoid any ‘confusion’, the Aug. 3rd post was from a different ‘confused’ (must be a lot of that going around).
    My “affair” wasn’t physical…and at some point, I realized that I was crossing the line into an emotional affair when I started finding it easier to talk to my friend than to my husband and started to share personal, emotional things with him. When my husband confronted me, I saw what was happening from his point of view and I backed off, but still wanted to continue the friendship. I don’t say anything to my friend now that I wouldn’t want my husband to hear. I don’t talk to him about the problems in my marriage or anything I wouldn’t talk to any other friend about. I have re-established better boundaries in a relationship that I truly want to be a platonic friendship, and nothing more. The problem is, it is still important to me to have that friendship, and my husband absolutely will not understand. My only 2 choices are to hide the friendship or end the friendship. I know he is hurt by the fact that I crossed the line into inappropriate territory, but so many circumstances led to that emotional closeness and my wondering if it was turning into more than friendship, including my husband’s unreasonable jealousy that I found hard to deal with in the first place and made it impossible for me to be upfront from the beginning. I am incredibly hurt by the thought of giving up a friend. I had a number of relationships before I met my husband, and all ended on good terms, leaving the door open to friendship. I have never in my life been in a position where I had to tell someone that we couldn’t be friends anymore. I think the thought of having to give up my friend permanently for the sake of my marriage makes it hurt more than if we just stopped talking so much naturally. I don’t know what to do. I know I’ve made mistakes, but how to go back and make things right…that is the question.

  • the wife

    good grief, there is so much confusion going on for sure. Yes I am still hurting another wife, but it is more that I can’t believe he would leave again and take nothing with him. I am wanting to through his s**t outside and just not think about it all anymore. I guess he has that much money to just blow. And he does because he is not giving on a regular basis money to the house. Although he did give me some I didn’t ask for enough. It didn’t go very far. You know people we can’t continue to just let this happen to us. Why can’t he just take his stuff and be a man and just say I am gone. Can’t do this anymore……mem what about that……………

  • Another wife

    THank you, Another Perspective. I will think long and hard about what you have said. Very sensible.

  • Anonymous

    First, hello everyone. I am a young guy that is not married nor do I have any kids. I do have a girlfriend of almost 8 years who I plan on getting married to soon. The problem is..I have met someone els. Although I havn’t acted on it physically….I have emotionally and verbally over the phone and on the web. I find myself lusting over her. I feel I am acting this way with the other woman because I’m scared…but in the process I can feel her becoming emotionally attached. I feel horrible for my girlfriend and for this woman, neither person knows about the other. I want to make right with my girlfriend and let this other woman down without hurting her. I appreciate any advice you have. I’m a horrible person for starting this, and even though it hasn’t become physical yet, I just need advice to help me not do the right thing. I’m truly sorry for all those woman who have been cheated on and lied to. You deserve better.

  • Anonymous

    In my last post I meant to ask for help to “do the RIGHT thing”. I appreciate any advice you have.
    First, hello everyone. I am a young guy that is not married nor do I have any kids. I do have a girlfriend of almost 8 years who I plan on getting married to soon. The problem is..I have met someone els. Although I havn’t acted on it physically….I have emotionally and verbally over the phone and on the web. I find myself lusting over her. I feel I am acting this way with the other woman because I’m scared…but in the process I can feel her becoming emotionally attached. I feel horrible for my girlfriend and for this woman, neither person knows about the other. I want to make right with my girlfriend and let this other woman down without hurting her. I appreciate any advice you have. I’m a horrible person for starting this, and even though it hasn’t become physical yet, I just need advice to help me not do the right thing. I’m truly sorry for all those woman who have been cheated on and lied to. You deserve better.

  • Anonymous

    Anonymous…
    As much as it may hurt either of them and as much of a risk as you may be taking, the best way to make things right is to be honest with them both. Let the woman you’ve become emotionally involved with know that you care for her and don’t want to hurt her, but you feel that you must end that relationship because you are truly committed to your girlfriend. Don’t just try to start avoiding her or whatever because she is obviously emotionally invested and would be hurt by that more than anything. Talk to her about where you stand.
    As far as your girlfriend, let her know that you’re having some anxiety about marriage and might need some time to sort things out. If you’re having these doubts now, it might make sense for you and your girlfriend to spend some time apart doing some ‘soul-searching’ before you take that permanent step of marriage. That won’t be a realistic option after you say your vows…might want to think about it now. Just my 2 cents.

  • Anonymous

    Thank you for your 2 cents. I know I can’t have my cake and eat it to…and even saying this I realize how bad it really is. I definitly don’t want to hurt anyone but it seems no matter what I do, someone is going to get hurt. Neither one deserves this and I don’t believe in second chances myself…so I realize…I need to man up and talk to them. I do need time alone to figure out what it is I want. I can’t picture my life without my girlfriend…but I know… I don’t know how I got to here but I do know it’s my fault and I know what I need to do. Thank you all and I wish you all the best. For what it’s worth, I think if more guys read this blog, you would have a few less cheaters in the world.

  • Another wife

    Anonymous,
    You sound like a very nice young man with integrity and it’s a good sign that you feel remorse for your deceit. That means that lying is not natural for you. Because you are having issues of doubt, even BEFORE you get married, you need to take the time that was suggested to you by the other writer. Don’t get married until you KNOW, FEEL, DO NOT DOUBT,HAVE NO OTHER ROMANTIC INTERESTS BUT HER. Marriage is supposed to be for a lifetime.
    Being “nice”, “doing the right thing” is not the way you should view a marriage committment. Starting your marriage on the premise of dishonesty is a sure sign for disaster ahead. The lady who advised you to be honest with both women, take a time out, and find out who you are and what you want before committing to be a life partner was right on the money. You will be doing your girlfriend a great service, as well as yourself.
    Marriage “jitters” are like feeling uneasy, not sleeping well, worrying. They do not include starting an emotional relationship with another woman. That is a red flag. Good luck.

  • the wife

    this is really a good place to talk. thanks be to God everyday for us all……..

  • Another wife

    What’s with John Edwards? Let’s pray and wish healing for his wife and children. What a terrible thing for her to bear. Here’s a woman with probable terminal breast cancer, campaigning for him and raising their young children. And what’s he doing? Taking a mistress on his tour with him and lying to everyone, including his family and the press. How good can sex be? Why do these men risk all that they’ve worked for their entire life for some rolls in the hay with a woman who tells them whatever they want to hear? He’s an inspiration, she says. It’s so narcissitic. I think he was finally telling the truth when he said that he began to feel totally important and I think he felt “untouchable” and “above the law and forget about his marriage vows or his wife’s contribution to his career and family.” Why are men so “needy” and “vulnerable”? How can we raise our sons to be honorable to women and respectful to their wives and families and still feel good about themselves? It would break my heart to see my son behave this way. At the same time, I realize that the X and Y view sex, marriage, and family very differently. How can we make it work, as a society? Not through intolerance but through understanding. That’s what I’m trying to do…understand that which I cannot and forgive the unforgiveable, in my mind. This blog has helped me a great deal as I’m not in a situation where I can get counseling. Thanks, guys and gals. I especially appreciate the guy’s perspectives.

  • Kay

    After 8.5 years my love told me he was in love w/someone else. I have had women thrown in my face, verbal & emotional abuse, and yet he kept trying to contact me & vie versa, or say sorry. After an abusive marriage of 25 years, I had no self-esteem left, and figured no one would treat me decently. I accepted both men’s crumbs. I persevered, and thru goals, not condemnation or abomination I seen potential that God wanted us to be more. I guess I wanted more for them, and potential they did not want, nor have.

  • the wife

    I guess we can want so much for someone else and nothing for ourselves. That seems so foolish to me. I didn’t realize I was in a abusive relationship until now. I also abused him verbally without realizing it and he abused me by not communicating to me what he really wanted in his marriage of 32 yrs to me. I took alot for granted. I still wonder why he won’t call. Isn’t that dumb. I don’t want him back in a relationship but there are some things we need to work out. but I guess it is not the time for him. We tried it a few weeks ago but it definately didn’t work out. I was sick with stomach problems the whole 10 days he was back in the house. And the aches are gone now after another 2 wks with him being gone again. I have been so busy trying to find things he had done wrong that I have gotten burned twice so far. I am just praying to God that he can heal me…..

  • sad

    My lover is avoiding me. Her spouse has decided he wants a divorce. I want to be supportive of her. I told her that I will always be rooting and pulling for her in anything she does. If she needs/wants to try and rebuild her relationship with her husband or whatver she decides to do I will always be rooting for her to win. I may not be able to stay close and watch it, but I will still be pulling for her. And she still avoids me. I am leaving her along, I even decided not to move where she is living (700 miles away from her husband) as I know that would just put more stress on her. The problem is that I have feelings and fears and she is the only person in the world I talk to about these things… how to overcome the sadness?

  • kapaa

    Just want you to know that “10 Steps to end an Affair” has been unbelievably helpful to my situation. It is so well-thought out and accurately predicts what one goes through. It is comforting to know that the feelings I am experiencing do not relate only to me.
    In almost 20 years of marriage, this was the first time I stepped outside. I never dreamed that I would find myself in an affair. I do not mean to boast, but most people who know my husband would think that I am crazy to even consider risking my marriage. I am not proud to say that I am the married woman who was having an affair with a man who is in an unmarried relationship. The affair occurred while I was dealing with my terminally ill father and so many other things. The affair recently ended after a year and a half, but the remaining feelings have taken me all over the place. There is much unresolved grief over the death of my father as well. It is crazy how the the spike in dopamine and norepinephrine, that you speak of, will allow one to accept so much utter sheer pain in one’s life.
    I am still processing everything that has happened in my own way, with the help of two special friends. I have also re-ignited my relationship with my husband. It takes time. In many ways, it almost like dealing with some kind of post-traumatic stress. The memories are still sharp. Going through your 10 Steps has helped immensely.
    Thank you. You have been a Godsend.

  • HELP

    Here’s the scenario…
    You think you may have married the wrong man for all the wrong reasons. You’ve had doubts for a long time, but chosen to set them aside for the sake of your kids and your husband and your stability. You become friends with someone who you think could be the right one.
    Part of me says that I’ve always had doubts about the future of my marriage, and maybe this all happened for a reason…to wake me up to that. But was the reason to strengthen my marriage or to end it? Was the purpose of all of this for me to realize I should be content with what I have and do whatever I must to fix what’s wrong between me and my husband, or for me to realize that I’m in a marriage that will ultimately never completely satisfy me, and there IS someone else out there who could? How do I know?
    I’m not suggesting having an affair…but when do you know that it’s time to let go and move on? I’ve been reading all these books and blogs about the key to a successful marriage, and I’ve been trying to do those things, but one of the keys is marrying the right person, and I have all of these doubts about whether I did marry the right person.

  • HELP

    Just to give you some background, my husband is devoted and loves me, but he is very possessive, jealous, and hard to talk to. He struggles with honesty and maturity, and as hard as we try to communicate with each other (we’ve gone through counseling to improve that), we just don’t seem to ever UNDERSTAND each other. It’s like we don’t communicate on the same level. He tries to listen, but doesn’t seem to understand what I mean when I talk to him about what I need or what is important to me. I have a hard time respecting him. He makes me feel like I’m not good enough as a wife or mother when I want to pursue interests that don’t involve him or the kids. I know he is just insecure and he really loves me, and he takes time to show that every day. I just don’t know if I can give him what he needs, either, and I don’t know if infinite amounts of love and affection can make up for not truly liking the person it’s coming from.

  • Susana Skaugset Wren

    I have rarely known someone that has has just ONE affair..I am sure it is possible to learn a ‘one time hard lesson.’ However, if you don’t do some soul-searching and find out what caused the whole thing in the first place , you could possibly be even more vulnerable for another.. People tend to have ‘patterns’ . Having an affair doesn’t have to mean the end of a marriage, but you must be willingly and wanting to ‘fix’ ..and least work on the problem that caused it in the first place.. It might be more difficult throwing distrust and insecurity in the mix..Not to mention forgiveness..

  • Lonely

    I am married, and have had an affair with a single man for two years. I ended it because of the marital and emotional conflicts we were both experiencing. I do love him and the grief I am experiencing is real and numbing. I know the steps, the processes, but I never expected the emotional grief to hit so hard. My husband is a good man but is so different from this man, hence the attraction – corporate exec/no time for wife to gentle lover/cuddler. I have no guilt just overwhelming sadness as I go about my daily routine and I know I have some serious questions to ask myself and address.

  • megha

    my age is 25 and i was doing my college.im having a affair with one guy.and we both loving together.after that parents not accepted for our love so we are came out from the house.and we married.and we are happy.my husband is younger than me.but he is good person.but he dont know how to expose the feelings as well as love.day by day its was decreasing. in the meantime.one new guy is entering into my life.but he is also very good guy.and both of them not having any intension about anything in the sense no love or any sex feelings.we are good friends.he is very good person and he is helping like anytng for us.after that he liked me and i liked him.so later on that relationship is changed into the sex.till date we are having the sex and we are very close.but raerly im having a sex with my husband like once in 3 months or 4 months like that.and my husbabd is not close to me nowadays but they both are friends.
    but suddenly new guy is telling im going to get married.my parents are insisting to go for marriage.but im not interested to get married.because of my parents i think i will go for this.you dont mistake me.he is telling anyway society wise we cant live. he is telling this statement regularly.i know that we cant live for life long.but i want to live with that guy im not really interested to leave that guy.because without him i cant live i will die.please advice me how face this problem.

  • nada

    its amazing, responses as a whole. How unconditional love, turns to conditional love, when someone doesn’t get thier way and feels “cheated”.
    All human perception, morals of society, but not necessariy “truth”.
    As I percieve it anyway. Its all good, its all learning, its all evolution. And were it not there to be experianced, it would not be possible to experiance it. If an all powerful moral god were in “control” these things would not be possible. But they are, they are natural, they are part of the nature of reality itself, regardless of finger pointing, everyone involved created the scenario, the drama. The guides, the paths crossed etc…
    Yes, the children, I also came from such a broken home. But it seems, if you do or not come from such a background, never blame, you always have choice. Experiancing love is the whole pupose, in all its facets, its all perfect.

  • Other wife

    Lonely,
    I understand being married to someone like your husband (corporate exec) who’s never there for you emotionally. I was/am married to a special ops pilot who was gone on “missions” 85% of our marriage and I could never know where he was or ask. So I sympathize but to get over your sadness you must realize what an “affair” is. It’s a “fantasy” come true. You can be gentle, loving, supportive in an affair because as soon as the ugliness of the real world enters, viola….time to go home to wife/husband and kids. An affair can escape all the unpleasantries of life…that is until one or the other of you breaks the rules of the fantasy and starts to want something other than fantasy, wants something real like a committment, holidays together, ability to dine together in public, recognition of your love by family and friends etc. If this happens, and ultimately usually does, the hurt and anger start. The angst. You part and feel sad and lonely. You get back together and the hellish cycle starts all over again. Read James Patterson’s latest seller, You were warned.
    Lonely, I would suggest you reread Steps 1 and 2 in how to get out of an affair. If you knew, absolutely, that your good but neglectful husband was leaving you and your children or that you might never see him again for whatever reason, would you look at your lover in the same way as you do now? I have a friend who had an extremely successful husband who was gone on business much of the time. She raised her two children but, in her loneliness, she started an affair with a married man. She told her husband that she was in love with another man. This prompted 2 years of marital counselling which, according to her, didn’t work. (Of course it didn’t work because there were 3 people in the picture…husband and wife in counselling with lover waiting in the wings)
    After 2 years of counselling my friend decided she would never be able to “reach” her husband like she could her lover so she divorced him and told the family that she knew how she had hurt him and that he’d never marry again…because of this.
    The lover left his family to be with her. But…you guessed it. It didn’t work out when it was no longer an “affair”….fantasy. The lover’s family was broken up and he divorced and became estranged from his children. My friend’s husband was heartbroken at the divorce but he used this to the benefit of his two children by spending more time with them. His business boomed even more and he was making so much money that he bought three vacation homes and a yaught. After about 5 years, he started seeing his secretary and I just attended their wedding. Now his two grown children spend all their holidays with him and his new young wife while my friend sits home with her mother on most holidays. She received a good settlement in the divorce but it pales in comparison to the money her husband made in the 5 years after their divorce. My friend cannot afford to go on family trips all over the world like she used to do when she was married. Now she watches her ex-husband, his new wife and her children make those trips. Now, who’s LONELY?
    Not all love is perfect and not all that we perceive as “love” really is.

  • trobbins

    To the woman that was posted under “kapaa” ~ The woman who has been married almost 20 years. I am so sorry you had to deal with all the pain of a terminally ill parent and losing your parent to that disease.
    That being said, there is no good reason to EVER step outside your marriage! I cannot believe the statistics of all the “cheaters” out there. To jeapordize your marriage of almost 20 YEARS is INSANE! What you have done and are doing is absolutely and utterly completely selfish in every way. I can say this, because 6 months ago, I found out my husband of 20 years had an affair for a year and a half as well. His affair happened 6 years ago, which was 14 years into our marriage. However, it is and has totally turned our wonderful marriage upside down. He had no good real reason. Our sex life was always great. I never denied him anything. He just happened to be pursued by a very persistent MARRIED woman, with whom he gave in to. He told me that it wasn’t about the sex, that in fact, the sex with her wasn’t all that great. They were “together” about 12 to 15 times during that time. I say this because he said every time after they were together, he would have tremendous guilt and would avoid her for long periods of time. This relates to the dopamine and norepinephrine you speak of, the ‘addiction’ part. After a period of time, those feelings would subside a bit and he would come full circle back to being with her again, needing a ‘fix’ like a drug addict. I just have to say, however, I think that is a very convenient excuse for you cheaters. What my husband has done to me and our marriage is horrible. We are working through things, going to christian counseling. However, my heart is shattered in a thousand pieces and our relationship will never be the same again, even if we work through this. He jeapordized his marriage, his family, everything for a piece of a– on the side, all for a fix and all for what now? Much heartache and grief. I am grieving the loss of a marriage I once had that I will never get back. All because of how self-centered, and selfish my husband was at the time.
    You, as well as my husband, should be extremely ashamed of yourself and your behavior. It sounds like you have a wonderful, loving, and handsome husband at home. Put him first for a change; think of his feelings instead of your immediate gratification. Maybe if you had spent the year and a half you were having the affair, on your marriage instead of an outsider, your marriage would be even better than before.
    Sincerely,
    Hurt and Betrayed

  • Other wife

    Hurt and Betrayed,
    We’ve talked before on this blog. I’m in the same situation as you, only 2 months ahead of you. I wish there was a way for us to talk privately because i have so much to say to you that might help. Remember when I said that I found out about the affair 6 years later last January? I went through 4 months of shock and then 3 months of FURY. I’m now in my 8th month and am in anger one day and trying to make peace the next. I feel like I’m at a perpetual summit meeting between the East and West. Believe me , I understand how unbelievably angry you can feel at hearing the words of such a selfish person as trobbins. But that’s what a blog is for…to hear other’s opinions. She actually doesn’t realize how self centered she is at this moment in time. A person in an affair has given up all reason. They have given up themselves for the “pleasure”….but it’s not about sex or pleasure or satisfaction or family or goodness or badness or reason or society or church or education or causes. While you are in that state, it is a mental illness, an obsession, an addiction, MAINLY A FEAR. There is nothing good about it and nothing good will come of it.
    How dare I say this with such clarity? Because I was there as the “cheater” in my first marriage and I can assure you, I will never cheat and lie again no matter the circumstance. EVER. The self critic and self loathing can be unbearable. The boomerang of poor decisions and selfishness will find you and hit you in the face, without exception.
    Even though my husband has done this to me and I have had many opportunities to do it, I will never stoop to such a low level of human experience again. I do respect myself, finally. I travel a good deal, etc., I will leave my husband first before I will ever do it to myself again, because cheating is actually being abusive to yourself, first. If you are a good person or desire to be so, the toll on your soul for such deceit is more than can be estimated by any barometer. I won’t ever cheat on anyone to whom I’ve given my word to again, not because I fear the consequences or because I don’t want to….but because the price to my mental well being and state of my soul is too great. Perhaps your husband has realized this and will never do this again, to you or any other person. Perhaps he’s a serial cheater. I don’t know. Only you will know.
    Life is complicated and I’m trying to understand why my husband cheated and forgive him. But it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and simply willing yourself to forgive doesn’t work. Work a little at a time in trying to understand, not forgive or forget….just listen a little. What he has done to your family is unforgiveable and you cannot forgive the unforgiveable until you understand. God can forgive ALL because HE/SHE understands all. Start asking questions and don’t stop until you’re satisfied that you got the whole truth from your husband. This is your time and your power to know the truth. You now hold the power of your relationship in your hand and you can mold it into what you want for you and your husband and children. It is your time to LEAD or LEAVE. A mistress rarely has such power. Love you girl and rooting for you and your family.
    As for the cheating women/men on this blog…been there. Done that. Never again. EVER. Make that your motto and follow through no matter where you go with your life. Your soul is your soul…no one else’s and you owe yourself an honest and cherished life. And no one will give that to you that but YOU!

  • Other wife

    Hurt and Betrayed,
    I just reread your contribution. Absolutely. I feel the same way. My marriage relationship will never be the same again. People say that an affair can make a relationship better. BS!! My husband and I may establish a good and solid relationship in the future but what we COULD have had together is blown up by the granade. He doesn’t get that part…that innocent, loving, giving all that a woman can give a man will never be there no matter what he says or does. It is dead and that is the grief you and I feel. Now you just need to figure out what can be salvaged, like me.

  • trobbins

    Dear Other Wife,
    Yes, we have spoken before on this blog and I thank you for answering mine each time. I too would like to talk more directly with you for it seems we do have much in common. I am going through everything you are describing, you are just two months ahead of me. I have read through this ENTIRE blog, from beginning to end, and I feel you have offered others much insight through your pain.
    I did want to clear one thing up…you mentioned in your last response about ‘trobbins being a selfish person.’ I signed my blog ‘Hurt and Betrayed’, but at the bottom it reads that I am ‘trobbins.’ The woman I was responding to is ‘kappa.’ Did you mean that she was selfish, or were you saying you thought I was being selfish? I feel like you meant ‘kappa’, the woman I was responding to.
    Also, is there a way through this site we can get information to contact one another? I do think we could offer each other much support through this. I don’t know about you, but not many, if any of my friends have EVER gone through anything like this before. They were there in the beginning, but, it is a whole 6 months later, so they rarely ask me about it anymore. They would be there if I asked, they just don’t have a clue as to the pain I’m experiencing. It would be nice to communicate with someone who knows EXACTLY what I am feeling. I do feel extremely alone at times, if you know what I mean. I hope someone is offering you some support. You seem to offer it to so many others, and from the sound of it, you need it as much as I do. I say that in a loving, kind, way. Hang in there. My counselor says that we loop through all the anger, happiness, and feelings MANY times, like two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes it’s one step forward, three steps back, it just depends. She also said that generally, her rule of thumb on the recovery time is usually about the same amount of time the affair lasted. So, girl, you and I have about another year ahead of us if that holds true!! I hope it’s not true, but I am willing to do whatever I can to fix this pain I am in. I have looked at things this way at times….I am in pain from this affair. If I stay with my husband, I am in pain from this affair. If I LEAVE my husband, I’m still in the same amount of pain. Leaving is not going to make the pain go away. So, there’s no quick fix, as I know you know. We picked our counselor through our church. I chose her because of this one statement she put on her website. She specializes in “Affair Recovery.” That’s such a simple statement. A simple statement that is very profound. I am not ready to throw away 20 years of my life. 20 years of investing myself in another in every way. Even though my husband wasn’t willing to fight for our marriage during his fling, I am going to fight like hell to recover it. He is in this fight with me, we are just going through all the aftermath and affects from all of his selfishness in which he is so very remourseful about now. Keep your chin up, and I will try to do the same. I will correspond with you anytime.
    Sincerely,
    Hurt and Betrayed
    (I can go by just plain old “T”)

  • trobbins

    Other Wife:
    I just made an account on their website, beliefnet.com. I do believe we could communicate more personally that way if you set one up too. It’s free. Give it a try and let’s see what happens.
    T~

  • Ron

    Wow, this is a lot of dialogue for something that truly needs
    so little words.
    He said: Love God… Love your neighbor as yourself.
    Most major religions have the same dogma;
    So, if you don’t want to be cheated on; don’t cheat. etc.
    Some call it the Law of Attraction; but it’s simply
    karma…… blessed karma….. if you don’t want
    to be crapped on; don’t crap on your own or other’s souls.
    Or not… but lie, steal, cheat at your own soul’s peril :-)
    Peace Ron

  • trobbins

    Ron,
    I totally agree with you ~ what goes around, comes around. However, what about those of us who HAVEN’T cheated? What did I EVER do to deserve this kind of pain? I try my best to be the best person in every way. So, while I do believe this philosophy, I only believe it to a certain extent. Sometimes, bad things happen to really good people. I feel I’m proof of that.
    Hurt & Betrayed

  • Other wife

    Hi T,
    Sorry about the mistake in mixing up trobbins with the other lady. That was in error. I do think the lady having an affair on her husband is being selfish…not you. I will look up getting an account on beliefnet.com. We are probably boring all the other bloggers with our problem. I know exactly what you’re feeling.
    Ron, I also agree in Karma and I’m sure my husbands lying and cheating will come back to bite him. It actually already has in that it has caused problems in our marriage for 8+ years and he doesn’t have the kind of relationship he could have had with me. The problem is that through his bad choices, I don’t have the relationship with him that i could have had either. The choices that the people around us make DO affect us, even though we don’t control those choices.

  • Alone in the Midwest

    It is hard, very hard. Ending it for whatever reason leaves you feeling devastated. And that is hoping you have saved your family the grief and embarassment of being “discovered”.
    My “friend” and I somewhat mutually ended our affair of a year, it wasnt easy or pretty in the end.
    She claims to have told her spouse, i did not. I have prayed that I bare this cross alone and save my family and wife the embarassment and hurt of knowing what i did. she very much filled a void in my life, and it hurts to stop cold turkey. i gave her a lot and received a lot over a year.
    i very much want to reach out, hear that voice, converse, or feel something i felt for so long. I see now that my children and “safety” at home in all reality were much more important than the risks i was taking. and owed my loyalty. but i still am filled with doubt. was it satan that put this happiness in my life, or was God filling it with someone we both needed.
    was it false happiness for both of us? empty love? i think God puts people in our lives, and she helped me open up to parts of me i never knew existed or wanted to get in touch with. And i hope i reciprocated. But the bottom line it was a hidden relationship, that probably wasnt so hidden. There are people that openly questioned our friendship and relationship. And some who openly made accusations. Do i feel lucky that i still have my wife? that my children are unknowing to what i did? what is recovery?
    do you never talk to this person again. our children were friends, our spouses hung out and we did things as couples. do you make a total and clean complete break? is over truly over?
    do i consider myself lucky and merely move on….

  • Other wife

    Hi Alone and I know why you call yourself “Alone.” Another word for that is “Ego” and ego is always alone whether in bed with someone or not. Your words tell the story and here they are:
    1. “saved your family”
    2. “pray that I bare this cross”
    3. “save my family”
    4. “I gave her a lot”
    5. “I want to reach out”
    6. “God filled it with someone”
    7. Satan put this happiness in my life
    8. God puts people in our lives
    Your situation is neither God nor Satan’s work. It’s yours. The void that you were trying to fill….as a wife of a cheater…let me tell you, her void makes your’s look like a spoonful compared to the Grand Canyon. Imagine your void and multiply X 10,000 or more. It’s very hard to raise children and be a spouse with a cheating one…takes courage. She knows. I promise you. If she’s still with you, it’s because she’s decided to be the hero in your family. FOR NOW.
    The funny thing about the Ego, who only wants to be petted and taken care of….it doesn’t ever believe that the home could/will change or disappear. That’s the selfishness and naivity of the Ego.
    You seem to want to blame your behavior on either God or Satan. The point is that in the Garden of Eden, we each were given free choice. If you even respect your wife as an equal human being, give her the choice ( that God gave her and you cannot take away) and tell her the truth. It is your obligation to let her have her choice. You aren’t saving her from embarrassement. Your Ego is trying to save yourself from that of which you are ashamed.
    Don’t let your Ego’s guilt and blame take over here. Be a man. Be honest. You owe yourself that and her, certainly.
    As far as your grief. I feel bad for you. You can choose to learn from this deceitful situation or continue in that line with this woman or another or with your business dealings or with your children or whatever….or you can choose to live in an enlightened way.
    If you really love this other woman and you’re not happy with your wife, you need to do what you need to do….but, always tell the truth because lying is like spending parts of your soul on a worthless stock.
    I look at it like this. Every day each of us is given a limited quantity of “energy” . We each decide how to spend our quantity of “energy” just like we decide how to spend our limited amount of money. You can spend your energy on love, hate, things, children, jealosy, affairs, pain, angnst, loneliness, whatever. But once the money is gone, it’s gone and you are overspent. You and your “friend” have decided to spend that energy on each other and the thrill you feel from “illegal” sex instead of spending it on your children or your marriages, building/making homes , enjoying hobbies, learning something, improving yourselves, contributing to the society, etc. That energy is gone. You’ve spent it. So you’re depressed. Who wouldn’t be at spending their limited energy so poorly? Just a thought or two from someone who’s been on both sides of the fence.
    Just imagine what joy you and your wife and consequently your children would have had (or could have) if you showered her with such attention and devotion and spent your daily energy ration on her? Well imagine. That’s why God gives us minds of our own and free choice, isn’t it? I needed to respond because, please…don’t blame either God or Satan for your choices.

  • Alone in the Midwest

    What were both sides of the fence you played “other wife”. Maybe you do understand more than most.
    I dont think their are coincidences in life, i think there’s a higher power that brings people and places together, and i also agree 100% in free will.
    i guess i’m asking you, since you have been on both sides, i’m a smart man, an educated man. why did i do it, i know quite a bit of it had to do with trying for over a decade to “fix” my non-existent love life, then she came into my life.
    maybe we were both “broken” and misery loves company.
    my question is this, is the best choice a clean break, walk away, never address each other again.
    throw away whatever happened for that year. then who am i. then i used her and am a person who disposes over despite what happened and the situation (which was wrong) i’m walking away from this persons unselfishness to me, and what i thought was love, a person who for a time i thought was my soul mate…..
    free will. i get that. and i’ve talked to priests and counselors and have been overwhelming told to not open pandora’s box at home … that it relieves my burden, and crushes another soul.
    everyone has advice. i’m not feeding my ego. i’m just in unchartered waters. i appreciate your words Other….and advice.
    i’m very lucky and blessed to have the wife i have and the mother of my children. what’s the next step. there is no plan or “fix” for everyone. i know that, but many of you have walked the path

  • C.A.

    Shame on you. At this point you are still only thinking of yourself. If you had thought about your wife and children you would never have done this! I don’t want to hear you are in an unhappy relationship at home blah blah blah. You found excuses so you could be a cheater. What did you contribute to your unhappy marriage, did you try the romance and conversation with your wife or just your lover who apparently understood you? I think you should pray to GOD for forgiveness and get over it. You should be so lucky to still have your family because if she finds out, I hope she leaves you.

  • Other wife

    Whoa! Alone. You’re going to take some heat on this blog. Yes, I’ve been on both sides of the fence. I married my childhood sweetheart from a very little midwestern town. We were both virgins when we married (shows how OLD I am!). Then I went on for a higher education on scholarships while he got more and more into sports…he was an athlete and VERY handsome. I was seduced over the period of a year by another Ph.D. candidate while I commuted (every weekend for 3 years). We were growing apart…more and more. I finally made the choice to step out of our of our marriage in the last year of my graduate study. I confessed and he was willing to forgive me. But I wasn’t willing to forgive myself and, I suppose you could call it an “exit” affair. I just could not imagine that he’d ever get over it nor would I. I wasn’t in love with anyone else. I just didn’t want to be married. But the toll the year of lying and deceit took on my soul was not worth a minute of it and I swore I’d never lie nor cheat anyone else again…for any reason. Never. I kept my oath but now I’ve found my husband cheated on me for 2 years, 6 years ago, and kept in touch with his lover 4-5 x/year. To me, this feels like an 8 year affair.
    So, I’ve been on both sides of this game…and it shouldn’t be a game. I have been faithful to my 2nd husband for 24 years, even though I’ve had innumerable opportunities not to be. I chose not to be unfaithful…in order to preserve our marriage/family and to feel at peace with myself. Maybe the latter, first. Once you step outside of your marriage, your relationship is changed forever. Note, the longing you feel for this other woman. (You could have had that with your wife, had you been patient, but now it may not be possible) I understood that and that is why, no matter the temptation, I was not willing to go there with my 2nd husband. He went there..but I honestly don’t think he understood the cost when he did it.
    I don’t know how long you’ve been married, Alone, or how old your children are. I’m still trying to figure this whole thing out so what I’m saying here is just a “maybe, a thought.” In a home, a family, a marriage, there are two things that have to happen to make it successful. Someone has to make the money to build the nest. Someone has to make the nest and care for the children. In my case, we decided that my husband would be the “bird” to leave the nest and make the money (even though I had a good job and advanced education). I would bear the children (wasn’t much of a choice since he couldn’t), build the nest and raise the children. Works with birds but becomes a little complicated with human beings. We seem to want more than most animals.
    So, while he was travelling all over the world, doing dangerous things, and supporting the nest, I was doing everything else for the nest and little birds. His sexual and man/woman needs were not being met, nor were mine. So when an opportunistic woman came along, it was easy for her to move into the situation and hope to take him away. He felt good because someone was finally plucking his feathers and grooming his underbelly…so to speak. Meanwhile, Mama bird was still flying frantically back and forth keeping the nest and young ones healthy and happy. Mama bird wanted a sex life, some grooming time, some time away from the little birds, but this was not to be now. There were children to take care of which is a thankless and exhausting job that must be done. She accepted the path she had chosen and the raising of God’s children is not a small or unimportant task.
    Do you think she was doing this because she couldn’t be happier with a love life with a man? No. She’d become a mother and there is no higher calling( ask Jesus) and to neglect the children she had out of love for the man she fell in love with would be an assault to her femininity..her womanliness. (which is what attracted you to her in the first place)
    So, here’s the deal as I see it, from what little you’ve shared. You found someone to scratch your underbelly and you’re seeing this as a much bigger thing than it is in the scope of a lifetime. When your children leave the nest, as mine just have done, your wife will have the time and desire to give her attention to you and the “us”. You will have the opportunity to give her the attention that you have not been able to do because of your bread-winning to date and she can do the same for you….that is …if you both don’t self destruct in the meantime.
    Really it all depends on the relationship between you and your wife. But if you are thankful for her and your children, you are not an idiot and you must be minimally “friends.” That’s good news for you.
    Since you ask. Yes. Have nothing to do with this other woman again. Cut it off COMPLETELY. Give that energy to your wife and children. The romance and passion can come back to your marriage in a way that you will never get with this other woman no matter what you do. You and your wife share history, family, children, trips, life. When your children grow up and marry and have children, if you can be with a sexy grandma at those family events, your life will be blessed forever.
    p.s. If you don’t love your wife, ignore all the above. Leave her and your children. Try to hook up with your temporary passion and be happy. Maybe you and she can make it work. Believe me. When the fantasy goes away and reality enters it’s ugly head…you’ll HATE her for what you have given up. Leave her before you hate her and hook up with your wife while she STILL loves you. Love is no given, it’s a choice. If your wife doesn’t suspect or question you, your advice is solid. Don’t tell her and thank the Lord that you escaped the bullet. Don’t ever let the gun get pointed in your direction again. Just…my thoughts and good luck.

  • trobbins

    So, Other Wife ~ Just a questions from the advice above. Do you think he should NOT tell his wife? If so, why not? I know you and I are going through very similar situations. There are times I wish I never knew; however, I always knew SOMETHING. Also, my husband, in some ways, has changed for the better since he FINALLY told the truth. Even though his affair began 6 years ago, and ended 5 years ago, since he came clean 6 months ago, it has been like a light turning on for him in some ways, his eyes opening. He is so much more appreciative of me as a wife, a friend and a mother. Because we’ve been in Christian counseling for 6 months now, he now sees how some of his past relationships with other women were crossing the line a bit, even though he didn’t have any wrong intentions. He has learned BOUNDARIES, something he never knew about, or was taught. Of course, I wonder, if this might just be a temporary change; however, having been married to this man for over 20 years now, I really don’t think it is temporary. There is a real genuiness to him; a look in his eyes I’ve never seen before. He is extremely remourseful, which thank God for that or I don’t know if I’d still be here otherwise. He is more attentive AND he has taken all of my anger, all of my rages, everything I’ve had to dish out from his wrong doing by turning outside our marriage. Yes, there are still days when I wonder if we’re going to survive this; if our marriage is going to survive this; if my broken heart is going to survive this. All I can do is pray, which I need to do more of. I know I will NEVER be the same again ~ in some good ways, and in some bad ways. Our marriage has lost its innocence, something it can never get back. Will I EVER say I am glad this affair happened? NEVER, NOT IN A MILLION YEARS! I would not EVER wish this kind of pain on anyone (except maybe the harlot who pursued my husband with great intensity.) I would give ANYTHING to have that innocence back in our marriage. I wanted to have THAT marriage; I wanted the fairy tale. One would think after making it 14 years, it might just be possible. Maybe in some marriages, it is….
    I hope ALONE and all of the other “cheaters” out there can read through some of these posts and see at least a tenth of the pain we are going through. I hope they can see what it has done to other marriages, other wives, and maybe, just maybe give them a different perspective of exactly the devestation it does in marriages. I hope they can stop being SELFISH for half a second and look through the eyes of the true victims here, and see the enormous amount of pain they are putting us through. They promised to love, honor and cherish us NO MATTER WHAT ~ TIL DEATH DO US PART! Not until “I’m not getting enough sex”, or “I’m not getting my ego stroked”, or “I’m not getting the attention I need or deserve” or the many, MANY other EXCUSES they have to justify being so SELFISH. Either talk with your spouse about the issues you have, or don’t and just LEAVE. But, just have the courage to do one or the other. Affairs are just the cowards way out.
    Hurt & Betrayed (or T~)

  • Other wife

    Hurt and Betrayed, I’m with you in EVERY word you say. Exactly how I feel. Actually, I think you’re right and I was wrong. I can’t imagine a situation where a man is having the passionate kind of affair that Alone had and his wife not suspect ANYTHING. If there is the slightest suspicion, he should tell her.
    Worse than the extramariatal sex and the betrayal of our nuclear family to an outsider who was not invited by anyone but him is the following 6 years of silence and lying.(probably because I’d always told him that I would deal with any issue in our marriage except infidelity. I told him that if there was any cheating, I’d walk so he was very afraid to tell me) I repeatedly asked him if he had an affair and he repeatedly lied. Day by day, month by month, year by year our marriage was being destroyed by this wall of lies between us. Like you, only since the discovery have our lives changed. He has dramatically changed…like your husband. I think he’s realized that his marriage and family is not something he purchased with his salary but is a privilage, not a right and not something he owns. He faced the very real possibility of losing it all. And as I write this now, if we don’t work this out….he could still lose it all.
    I guess I’m going back to my original thinking that Alone should tell her. If he doesn’t, he will continue the longing for his “friend” and not fix what’s wrong in his marriage and what’s wrong with him. He won’t really have to face the consequences of his behavior like our husbands have had to do. He will eventually think he “got away” with something and that life can go on normally, not realizing that the damage he inflicted on his wife, himself and his marriage will not go away. At some point, God will send him another “angel who understands him” to sleep with and the cycle will be repeated until his wife eventually finds out. At that point, he probably won’t have a marriage to worry about.
    I don’t think reading this blog will help anyone who is the heighth of an affair. When you’re in the middle of an affair there is only one thing you want…your pleasure, period. This blog could help someone who is contemplating an affair or someone who’s past the crazy, good part of the affair and now wants out…and for good reason. I’ll say this again THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING GOOD THAT COMES FROM AN AFFAIR!
    My husband has changed his behavior and attitude but what we have lost was said very precisely by Hurt and Betrayed, The innocence and beauty of the bond between two trusting and committed souls(That beauty never exists between the two cheaters because the basis of the relationship is deceit to start with) No matter how much counselling, soul searching, fixing we can do, that possibility died the minute my husband jumped into bed with another women. So I, like you, mourn the loss of what could have been which now can never be. Now we have to try to figure out what we can salvage and it is heartbreaking to be in this position. I never thought I’d be here. If I thought so, I would never have married my husband.
    So True, H &B, affairs are cowardly acts committed by the self absorbed. The weird thing is they occur to people looking for verification of their manliness or female alure. I know this because I was there once and I never want to be that totally self absorbed, insecure woman again..a horrible, loathing feeling. Of course, at the time, I thought I was on top of the world and had found true love. You don’t find true love by building on a floor of deceit. No matter how hurt I feel right now, I prefer being on this side of the fence, not the cheating side.

  • Alone in the Midwest

    Thank you “Other”, you’re a very very inteligent woman, very much so. I cant speak for any of your husbands who did this, but I am ashamed. I dont feel I “got away with anything” or did this to prove my manliness or that i could still atrract a woman.
    I make NO excuses. I did this willingly, and I damaged people’s lifes. I have begged God for forgiveness, and maybe, someday, I will ask my wife’s.
    Me releasing my burden isnt worth crushing her. I am a good man and good father. I love “Others” Bird analogies, very good. I came here to this forum after looking at many others to seek and look for advice and help. I didnt come for acceptance. What i did was unacceptable. I’m sorry many of you are hurting and have been hurt. As selfish as it seems, personally, I needed something, i didnt do this to hurt my wife and family. But, that’s exactly what it can and will do. “Other” you have helped me quite a bit. I hope we keep talking through this forum.
    Sadly after all this I see how amazing my wife can be, really is. We have intimacy issues, but we are both now trying, we tried prayer, therapy, talking for well over a decade.
    Did i give up…..YES……temporarily. Into temptation..YES….worth it…parts, yes. It opened my eyes to many many things. My undying love of my children, of my wife, of my family. the fact that no one person is everything to their significant other.
    We are all weak inside, at times we cave and crumble and rebuild from the ashes. I couldnt do this again. I am thankful for the person i met in my life though. it was more than physical. it wasnt a vacation from reality. it was a connection that was very real, very emotional and very consuming. I’m deciding, to give that consumption back to my marital partner. Men are physical beings, most of us, when it isnt returned to you, you feel weak, you feel inadequate, and walls come up.
    i was wrong. i know that, and i will need closure from my “friend”, and will grieve from that relationship as well, there are no winners here. but dont be so quick to throw stones.

  • Smarter now

    An affair is a symptom of something gone wrong within a marriage. When you are in an affair, there is no empathy, especially for women. Breakups are hard in any situation, but especially so in an affair because there is no empathy and no reward. If you are single, and you break up with a single someone, there’s the hope that someone better will come along to dry your tears. Your friends rally to help you get over it. Any married person who has had an affair wants out eventually. Everyone expects it to end, and when it does, it hurts as much as any break up does.
    The problem is that there is no sympathy because you have to stay silent. You know that people will condemn you for being weak, or selfish…they don’t see the problem of being married to someone who is weak or selfish. Our culture is quick to condemn, and to support condemnation of any deviation of a moral standard. We are no better than the palestinians who buried 5 women alive because they wanted to choose their own mates.
    I guess what I’m saying is that knowledge of the affair hurts the trusting spouse and the kids. I’d prefer to stay silent and end it myself…I will have to face the pain alone and hope time rinses it from me.

  • Other wife

    Alone, thankyou for staying on this blog even though you’re going to hear things you don’t like and will not be accepted, I’m on this blog to try to understand and figure out my own path. I need to hear from men and women like you and someone who is going through the same thing like H & B. Life is not black and white. Wow! I should be a philosopher. I believe you are a good man and a good father. I believe my husband is a good man and a good father. I believe H & B’s husband is a good man and father. My husband told me that his New Year’s resolution was to learn to be a good husband and learn to love a good woman well. Talk is talk. I’ll see if he can walk the walk.
    Here’s the challenge. Now you need to be a good husband and a good man to the woman who’s given up everything to be your partner, the mother of your children, the keeper of your home, the life of your life. Or.. if she’s not who you see in those roles…let her go to find a good man who will cherish her, to spend the rest of her life with…to satisfy HER needs for affection, passion, communication, and love. You, after all, are not the only human being in your household who has such needs. The fact that she did not go outside of your marriage to satisfy her needs is to her credit.( I don’t know she didn’t. Neither do you, by the way) But, unless you start to fulfill her needs, she will be as vulnerable as you and your “friend” and there’s plenty of friends to go around. She could become someone else’s “friend.” Absolutely true. Some man who can’t be understood by his wife will find that your wife can listen and be understanding and, oh so soft, and such an incredible person. And your wife could be crying and lonely and overwhelmed by her daily chores and another man could lend her a shoulder and she could feel that it is a strength that she needs…that you don’t give her. She could lean on him and he could make her believe that no one understands her like he does. She could feel that maybe God sent her someone to fulfill her needs and nothing is coincidence. She didnt want it to happen, but her husband is so distant. She hasn’t had sex with him for so long and she’s tired of the constant needs and demands of the kids. If she could just be treated like a woman again, for even a moment, she would love this man who made her feel that way no matter the cost and she could keep that secret for herself. Perhaps the only thing that is really her own.lt happens every day, by the way. Nothing new.
    Life’s experience. You can have your mistress and all that that involves. Obviously, she’s more into reality than you and ended it. Or you can have your wife, children, home, security and all the possibilities that you can imagine. Think about possibilities. I’m rooting for you. I think you are a good man and just need to re-evaluate boundaries and have a reality check. Your wife must be very sexy or you wouldn’t have those children.
    Take the lead. Be a hero and save your family, love and relationship. After you revive what you are missing with your wife(which you’ve tried to replace with another woman.)..believe me. You won’t miss the other woman at all. You’ll want to erase the other woman from your memory and you won’t have to try. It will happen naturally.

  • Other wife

    Smarter now,
    An interesting perspective, at least for me. I’ll think about what you have said, seriously. Honestly, I’m not sure if Alone should tell his wife or not. I waiver on this. I feel your sadness and hope that life will get more enlightening and better for you.

  • shea

    other wife
    you said that nothing good comes from an affair..as far as i’m concerned, you are right, but my ex husband feels differently. he had an affair after 11 years of marriage and left me and our 3 children for the other woman. i thought we had a great marriage,but apparantly he was looking for something else. anyway, he is very happily married to the other woman now and so i know he wound not feel that nothing good comes from an affair.

  • Other wife

    Shea. Probably, your ex would disagree with me. How do you know he is happily married? Because he is still with her? How are your children doing? What it their relationship with their father? How long has your ex been with the other woman? Some “affairs” do turn into long term romances/marriages but that is rare. It did happen to my childhood friend and they are happy…but the “affair” took a terrible toll on the health of her and her now-husband. It was very difficult. Probably we should never say “never” or “always”. Ultimative statements are NEVER true! I hope you are doing well and your children are adjusting.
    But…I doubt your ex-husband realizes the profound effect his behavior/affair has had on your three children, even with your intervention. They will suffer from trust issues and many other problems , most likely, that you cannot necessarily address. So much better if he was unhappy in his marriage, had he told you so and been a man of courage, asked for a divorce or separation upfront and not allowed lying and deceit to become something he modelled for his children. It’s not wrong to fall out of love with a person but it is wrong to lie and deceive. Nothing good will come of that and no matter what your ex thinks, that is what he has modelled to his children. Now I think I’m back to my original ultimative thought, but I will change it slightly. Any good that comes from an affair is vastly overpowered by the harm it does to everyone involved…even those who don’t seem to be involved or have a voice…the children, family, and friends. Good luck.

  • ep

    Interesting and very fulfilling blog I stumbled on this morning.
    Perhaps reading other’s thoughts on these topics is what I need to see.
    I have been married to a Catholic now for almost 15 years. The oldest of two kids is nine. I say ‘Catholic’ because I believe a huge part of the reason she has no libido is the brainwashing she got growing up in their schools. To her, sex is bad, bodies are dirty, the whole topic is not good. We have sex maybe once or twice a year. I have told her numerous times that “Your lack of interest in me physically is driving me crazy”. THe sex we do have is clunky. She looks at me and says “We need to do that more often”. I agree, but it never happens. My gentle advances, hints, playful hugs are always pushed away. She is truly sexually devoid. She has said she could live the rest of her life without sex.
    When I said “I Do”, I meant “I Do”. I have not strayed. I do not intend to stray. I just can’t imagine the rest of my life without sex. It REALLY hurts.
    I have had he chance to stray and haven’t… yet… It is becoming harder as I find myself thinking of the latest meeting often.
    It’s a good thing I have lots of hobbies and Playboy.
    Anyway- this is the first time I have ever posted to a blog. I found Beyond Blue by chance this morning, have read many of the articles and feel good from reading them. I have sent my wife the link to a few of them. Maybe the underlying religion references will make her think the articles have something good to say.

  • Other wife

    EP, sounds like your wife had some sexual encounters that were not good or right before she met you. My first husband was a stout catholic and when I married him, I converted. He was always strange about “sex.” He never wanted to be surprised by a touch on the head or back…for instance when he would be watching sports on TV and I walked through the room and would touch and tossel his hair, he would freak out. Over time, this caused problems in our relationship. Many years after our divorce, when I returned to our little town where I grew up.. late night talks with childhood friends revealed that the Monsenior of the Catholic church (who married my husband and I) had been molesting boys of my age for years. He now had died and now some of them were talking. It turns out that my husband, who was very handsome, was his favorite. 20 years after our divorce, I understand much more about what went wrong with our marriage. Your wife sounds like she’s been molested by someone at an early age. She needs to get some help and so do you.

  • Alone in the Midwest

    Ed and Other….
    Sorry i didnt check the blog this weekend but Ed i say good for you for not straying and being a better man than me. That lack of connection was what caused me to stray, and i regret it every day. You open pandoras box and there is no going back.
    Other i have begged and pleaded w/my wife why she sees it (relations) as marital duty and just a chore. i’ve tried therapy, books, counselor, my wife has never had an orgasm, ever. i thought surely she was molested or had an encounter that turned her against wanting relations w/her husband.
    now admitedly she is now somewhat trying more, but w/no foreplay, kissing, or anything. just the “chore” out of obligation then be done with it. i am a mans man, but i want more, and i want it from my wife, but i guess that makes me the bad person. so what do you do if you’re with an unwilling party, unwilling for over a decade. i am an athletic, good looking father and man. and then i gave up and became weak. and i wish Ed, i wish i never did it. i love my wife. i hurt deeply another family that because she had loneliness and emptiness in her life, as did i, we filled each others void. and now there is more emptiness.
    i will do everything in my power now to make it work w/my wife, and pray that the person i was with finds peace and happiness in her marriage, but you get pushed, Ed keep praying, and i will for you, find that strength, but when you said “i do” it was for 100% of your spouse not 1/2, you get weak, you’re human, but friend, its not an excuse, but you’re not alone.

  • Other wife

    Ed and Alone, have your wives seen a physician about physical reasons for this loss of libido? There are treatments for loss of libido in women. I agree that no sex for 10 years is asking for a bit too much understanding in a marriage…not an excuse for straying but a real good reason to have therapy and talk about what the problem is…It surely must be solved in both of your marriages if you want to stay in the marriage. Good luck to both of you. I think Alone is giving you some good advice, Ed. Being on the cheating side of the fence is horrible and much worse than being cheated on…in my humble experience.

  • trobbins

    Other Wife~
    Are you still out there? How are things going for you and your husband? Have you had a chance to check out beliefnet.com? Give me an update sometime. I’d love for us to chat if you have a minute through beliefnet.
    Hope all is well your way~
    T~

  • Other wife

    Hi T, I tried Beliefnet.com but i don’t see where you can chat. How do you do that on beliefnet.com? Things are going better with us..a little at a time. Hope all is going better for you. It’s a really tough journey. Lonely really said it all about infidelity above…you open a Pandora’s box and there’s no going back. That’s what you and I are grieving…a part of it anyway. There’s no going back to what was or could have been. Now we have to deal with all the destruction. If anybody out there is contemplating an affair, think about what you are considering. Imagine throwing a bomb into the heart of your home. That is what it is. Like a terrorist who blows himself up to have happiness. Even if you want to continue in the marriage, the destruction is all around you. It is so sad. There are so many ways to address marriage problems without blowing up the marriage. Leaving is a much kinder way to end the marriage.

  • Other wife

    Hi T, I have turned a corner in this grief that is really important. For the first time, I really understand that the ball is in my court and the power is in my hand. My husband does not want to be with this other woman and is very remorseful. I have finally been able to stop obsessing about the vision of him with another woman. My children are in college now and I can renew our love and give my attention to him and he needs to give his full attention to me. The power that I’m feeling is that what happens to our relationship and our future is really up to me. It is my choice. This is a very peaceful place to be. (As the “lied to and cheated on” partner, you feel so helpless and out of control of the situation because you are not in the loop of truthfulness. How can anyone operate in a world of lies? The choices don’t seem to be yours and dishonesty is what it is…a black world) I hope that you will be where I am soon. I’m starting to feel joy again with or without him. I can live happily by myself. But as I realize my emotional independence, I am joyful with him, not because of him. There is hope in all of this. Hang in there girl. Better times are possible even if your soul mate and lover passes through a “valley of darkness.” God is good and good is God. And it is PEACE. (I hope this is the last relapse in a wave of grief. 3 steps forward and 2 behind. I don’t know. We’ll see ) Let’s keep in touch.
    And Lonely. Stop the self loathing. Just go home and love your wife WELL, meaning “listen to her”, “give her a compliment”, “touch her gently with genuine love”, be considerate and think about her position in life. Think…kind..kind..kind. Talk…talk…talk.Communicate…communicate …..communicate. There’s nothing that will melt a woman more than real “communication” from a man she loves.

  • trobbins

    Other Wife,
    I’m so glad to hear you are in a happy place, at least for the time being. I only hope to get there one day. Just when I think I’m doing well, another wave of anger, hurt, betrayal, visions, etc. hit me. I do feel a “3 steps forward, 2 steps back.” Currently, I’m in a neutral place; not unhappy, mad, or upset; but not extremely happy either. I don’t know if it’s because other things are going on. You mentioned you had breast cancer, which I am so sorry to hear, but glad to hear you have recovered from it. I lost my mom to that 4 years ago this week. This is always an extremely emotional time of year for me. Also, on a more positive note, I’ve been training for the “Atlanta 2 Day Walk for Breast Cancer.” It’s a 30 mile walk over the course of 2 days. I will be participating in that this weekend. This has given me something positive to focus on for a change this time of year.
    Ever since my husband told me about his affair, I have felt inside like I felt when my mother died~ an extreme amount of pain and loss. The major difference is that in life, you generally don’t chose to die. However, my husband CHOSE to go outside our marriage to this other woman. Other than my mother, he was the one other person in the entire world I thought would always be there to protect me. Not only was he not there, HE was the one who hurt me! My point is, I think maybe the grief I feel over his affair at this point far out weighs the grief I usually feel from losing my mom this time of year.
    So, to sum it up, I really don’t know where I’m at on the spectrum of my feelings. It changes so drastically from one day to the next. All I can hope and pray for is to have more good days than bad, and for the times between the fits of anger and hurt to be longer. Take care and I hope your happy times only get happier!
    T~

  • Other wife

    T, I understand exactly what you’re saying. I’ve been in a happy place and then last week, 2 steps back. I’m glad you warned me because I don’t have a therapist. That’s exactly what it is like. You feel happiness and peace and then the anger and betrayal and the “what is reality?” hits you…and you start all over again from ground 0.
    I hope that all the married and single people who might read this blog might get a glimpse of the damage and hurt that their selfish acts may cause. I listened to Elizabeth Edwards today on the news and I know exactly where she is…She said, “You are living in one novel and then you find out you’re living in a different novel and it wasn’t your choice.” It challenges reality and I think that is the most damaging aspect of it all…the lying , deceiving, the destroying of another’s reality. Honesty is so much kinder. Just leave….don’t deceive …if you have even a half of a heart or a pinch of compassion, never do this to another human being. It is so totally devastating. Worse than a death really. I’ve lost my father, and two brothers in the last few years but they never betrayed me or lied to me or treated me badly.
    This has clearly been the worst thing I’ve ever been through, including breast cancer. There is nothing worst then loving, trusting,giving all, and being betrayed. It’s like being in a foxhole with a soldier who is your “brother”. He pledged to fight to the death to save his partner in the foxhole…to back each other up no matter what happens, to cover for each other to the point of death. But now, in the heat of battle, this man of “honor” abandons you, leaves you to the wolves, hides under you in the foxhole while he saves himself and his desires. Not the man I married…or thought I married. So much respect lost. 3 steps forward. 2 steps back.Help.

  • trobbins

    Other Wife,
    I know it’s been a while…I’m right there with you. We have our ups and downs. When we’re up, I really feel like it’s going to last. However, when we’re down, I almost feel like giving up. If you want, e mail me at frobbins@gmail.com. Maybe we can correspond more over that, and not bore these poor people to death at this point. Maybe we need just a little more personal support. I’ll be looking for you either here on the blog, or there.
    T~

  • Other wife

    T, you’re right. This must be boring for those who aren’t in the situation we are in. I’ll e-mail you and look for tiger1lynch.

  • sjh

    My husband left 2 months ago with a 24 year old girl that was a former foster child of ours. It was a total shock! One day I was happily married , the next all alone in an empty house. I am having a hard time with this. I want him to come home and try to work it out, but he says he can’t do that yet. He also says he wants to divorce me and marry her. He is 45 years old and we have 5 kids and 10 grandkids together. How the heck can he just leave and start a new family? Our kids don’t have much to do with him because he is living in sin with their “sister”. I just don’t know what to do or where to go from here. Can anyone lend some words of wisdom? I am in such pain.

  • Geri

    My goodness, I felt as if I were totally alone in this problem. Sorry to hear that there are so many of us out there.
    I found out several months ago that my husband of 37 yrs was having an affair with the masseuse who came to our house a couple of times a week. I never would have known had I not heard him call her on the phone at midnight and ask her to come over and have sex again. Needless to say, the past few months have been very hard, really on both of us because I no longer care for him at all but have to stay around for myself. I am in counseling. Dont know if it is helping yet. He says he is sorry every day. Says he loves me. Says he wants me but I do not feel it at all but need his money. Have not worked outside my home for 34 yrs. Just took care of OUR children, home, traveled and lived all over the world etc. So if anyone out there knows how to get beyound these feelings of hurt, despair, devastation, destruction, lack of trust, etc etc etc ; I can certainly use some good advice as well. Thanks

  • Other wife

    Sure is a lot of Midlife crises going on. Geri, your husband wants to stay and work out the marriage. And your discovery is very recent. It is natural for you to not “want” your husband after such a devastating discovery. It’s going to be hard to not feel “trapped” when you want to leave him but can’t because of financial reasons. I don’t know how to get beyond all those horrible feelings…I am 9 months past the discovery. All I can say is that with counseling and time, those feelings don’t necessarily get less intense but they don’t happen as often. For the first 6 months, it consumed my every moment.
    I will tell you what a friend of mine told me. She was in her late 40s when she found out her husband had several “affairs.” He was sorry and wanted to work the marriage out. She’d had enough of his drinking and womanizing by that time so she left him. She has two children. She started her own business, cruise booking for singles in middle age. She went on many of these cruises. Within a year, her X had remarried. She despised her X at the time of her divorce. She told me that no matter how bad my husband was or hers was, they were better men that what is out there in the 40+, 50+ world. If she had to do it all over again, she would have tried to make the marriage work. She said that it is just terrible to go to her children’s weddings, grandchildren’s births, birthdays, etc. (family events) and go there alone while her X is there with his new wife. She told me to not let pride or anger cloud my judgment at this very important crossroads in my life. She said that loneliness is a hard cross to bear in order to be “right.”
    Well, I’m working on my marriage but the anger, betrayal and all the rest don’t just go away because you want it to. It’s going to take time for all of us.
    sjh: You’re in a bad place right now. Your husband is in the first “lust” stage of his affair. When my husband was in that stage, for the first year of the affair, he was “in love” with the other woman and wanted to leave me but didn’t want to leave our children. I didn’t know about the affair at that time…strongly suspected it though. So, by the time I found out (8 years later) the affair was over (although he communicated with her so I don’t consider it over). Anyway, he was no longer in the initial “lust” stage and was glad he got out of it and didn’t destroy his marriage because of her. If you want your husband back, I would sit tight and wait. His passion for her will pass. My husband told me that when he was in that stage of the romance he was absolutely CRAZY and he now can’t believe he did and said the things he did and said. He says it is like a temporary insanity. If you can think of your husband as “ill”, it might help a little. I feel bad for your pain. It is a horrible thing.

  • Anonymous

    Dear ladies. Thank you so very much for taking the time to communicate with me. Believe me, it helps. I know that everything will take time – thinking of it less often, hurting less and less, caring less with passage of time, praying a lot, a lot, asking God to help me be able to forgive him (I am not there yet for sure!!!) but know that this is my number one goal because I need so much forgiveness for the thoughts that I have had recently. My husband has gone from being a drunken control freak to being a very considerate person in my home. We had lived in Shanghai, where the affair took place of course, and as soon as we moved back to the States this spring, he changed all of our property into MY name only. Tho I would question if I were to decide to leave him with all this property – I am sure he would come after it. He knows I am seeing a counselor. Thinks that is good. So I realize that my status in life could be so really horriblly different but I still must work thru my feelings, thoughts, emotions, disgust, anger, “just looking” at him, and being around him 24/7 since he just retired in April. We can laugh and talk. Most of the time I am able to give him the same consideration that I would give to a friend with whom I might have lunch but then a wave sweeps over me and I hardly can bare to look at his face.
    I realize that old men (62) go crazy. The girl, (30 yrs old – age of my sons and older than my daughter- the massuese, was in our home for two years giving him a massage without my ever even suspecting anything. Did not even look for it. Only last October did I start getting really funny feelings and noticing things going on that seemed a bit odd or strange. Never mentioned any of this to him because he always turned everything back on me and would say things like – I wasnt a good wife, didnt show him attention, only there for the “gravy train” etc. So not really worth the effort of a fight. But, as I said before, the night God woke me up by calling out my name in the middle of the night after he had drugged me for sleeping, and I heard him calling her – the jig was up!!!! Has not nor will it ever be the same again. I will stay around, try to tolerate situation, and yes, I agree, being alone the rest of my life or with someone even worse , would be terrible. So now that I have him where he should have been all of these years as far as attention and consideration goes, I can just put up with him and go on with my life.
    Bless all of you dear ladies out there going thru the same pain. I will pray for you collectively as my “friends in need of prayer and supplication”.

  • shea

    sjh,geri,other wife
    I will pray for those of us who know the pain of betrayal. My heart breaks for those who have experienced this kind of pain. My ex husband left me and my children for the “other woman” and eventually married her. I read these posts and wonder what these people who have affairs are thinking. The devastation is unbelievable. I was reading the post about going to weddings,etc alone.There are worse things than being alone. I would never condone getting a divorce if the two parties want to work it out, but I would not stay married to anyone who didn’t want to be married to me…even for financial reasons. We all deserve more than that. I hope we all find peace with the situations we have been dealt..I know I am much stronger now than I was before all this happened.Things will get better for all of you as time goes on..no matter if you stay in the situation you are in or get out..it WILL all work out..keep the faith…

  • Other wife

    Hi Geri, Sounds like you’re in a tough spot…like me. You put all your life work into the marriage, children and family. Traveled and lived all over the world with him, making a home where ever you went. And all of this was very important in “his”, really both of your success. Now the jerk has been having sex 2x/week in your own home under the guise of a masseuse. I can tell you this for certain…either he paid her or promised her a “green card” or a better life in the states. No 30 year old would please a 62 year old man for any other reason, even in a 3rd world country. And he treated you badly through all this time as a means to control you and out of the guilt for his bad behavior/soul.
    My hubby did the same and he’s completely changed since I found out…made a 200% turn around. Now he treats me kindly (for him) and with some degree of respect. Maybe if he’d done this for the last 22 years, WE could have had a great sex life too. So, what do I do now? What do you do?
    It sounds like you’ve accepted the situation you are in and are trying to make the best of it. THat is good. But you are entitled to your feelings of rage for what he has done to your family, your love, your life with a man. Is he worthy of forgiveness? I guess we all are. Can you do it? I hope so because that is what I’m trying to do..but it is the hardest thing anyone has ever asked of me. I can’t just do it because I want to. I don’t think I have to tell you how this infidelity/lying /deceit has destroyed the very foundation of your family.
    My mother-in-law gave me some good advice, (I hope). She told me to try an experiment. Just try to be “kind” to this person as if he were a hopeless, helpless, pathetic, homeless person off the street. Offer him warmth and encouraging words….and see what happens.
    Well, this has been 9 months now, and I’m just getting to where I can offer “kindness” and I don’t know from one minute to the next if I can continue. But, I did it for 48 hours this weekend, and it felt good and had some amazing results.
    My husband gave me an article that he’d cut out of a paper and this article was talking about the longevity and happiness that Paul Newman and his wife enjoyed in their marriage. ( My husband is about as sensitive as Hulk Hogan, so to read something about marriage was like, Who is this guy?) I’ll quote some of my favorite parts:
    Marriage. “We have this idea that the early falling in love is this intense, passionate biological experience, and that the rest of it is just sort of social convention that we have to deal with as a compromise.”
    Self help books that suggest ways for couples to “get back to earlier passion” are unrealistic. If we have a model of love that says we should be happy all the time, people are disappointed. But they can’t live like that because that’s not the way love works.”
    One of the greatest opportunities of marriage is the ability to understand yourself. Contrary to popular belief, that divorce is the crucible to self actualization—it is marriage that is a potential gateway to true self expression.
    “In a marriage, people get into places with each other that are often going to be reflections of the most pained and difficult and vulnerable parts of themselves, the places that they most need to wrestle with individually.”
    So, I’m reading this piece that my husband gave me and thinking how sensitive he has become and how we have to work to get through this and how kindness and communication is the key. And in the next second, I want to cut off his ****s! He says I’m crazy but, I ask you, what made me this way? Lies, deceit, an alternate reality? I think you know where I’m going with this. But, I do keep the idea of “kindness” in my mind and I’m working toward it. I think I can do it. I’m really good with animals. Thinking of you and praying for your peace, C

  • Michelle

    Wow the pain u have must be so deep-YOU CAN LET GO AND YOU MUST- you said it yourself he will never leave. Think of his wife because I was the wife in my situation when my husband cheated he lied to his mistress completely. There are TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY-he is having his cake and eating it too. It starts with your self-esteem start meditating and nourishing your soul and inner self and know you are worth more than someone’s sidekick. You deserve a good man who is not married. Work on YOU and your strength will come from within. Don’t live a lifetime like this because believe me when your older he will replace you, men like that suck the life from you so GET YOUR LIFE BACK. I’ll pray for you Remember first time you are a victim second time you are a volunteer.

  • Anonymous

    Yes, Michelle, Men like that will suck the life from both the mistress and wife….and if either of them leave him, he will “replace” either or both of them. Why don’t we women get it? Fairy tales. Both from the wife and mistress’s point of view. You aren’t married to this guy. Good thing for you. Get out while you can, cut your losses, and pray for his wife. Find a good man. THere are many and they are looking for a good woman. By the way, never believe anything a cheating man says about his wife…lying has become his mode of persuasion to get what he wants. Only a foolish woman believes a liar and he counts and prays on foolishness like a wolf. And a cheating man is a wolf. I may not be politically correct but I call a spade, a spade.

  • Deborah

    You are strong, brave lady for what you are going thru; at times it will be a rough road to follow but keep walking, praying and god will be there waiting for you to commend you for what you have done.
    It is time for a new beginning and wish you the best of luck and all my prayers.
    God Bless You in the name of Jesus Amen!

  • Missy

    I confessed my affair to my husband of 25 years. Over the past 16 years he has cheated on me with various women. I remained faithful and committed until two years ago when I cheated on him. Not out of angry or anything like that, just carelessness. Vulnerable! I confessed because I need to heal. I want God’s forgiveness.
    Because of my unfaithfulness, I became more tolerateable of his unfaithfulness. I no longer questioned his suspicious behaviors and his surely did not question mines. I was not sure how I would feel after confessing my affair, and I’m still very unsure of what will happen. He said he was sorry, because he felt as if it was his fault. however, I am responsible for my own mistakes. I want to heal.
    The affair is over, however, I do feel I need a new beginning. I am fearful of God’s wrath on me for my sins. I want peace. As for my husband, I still think he is a descent man, but I am not sure if he is capable of ever being completely faithful and will use my affair as a tool to keep me mentally obedient to him as he continues to sleep around. Just last tonight, we returned home smelling of perfume. Not bad mouthing him, cause… I’m no saint. However, this is some kinda mess. I need God’s mercy and guidance

  • Other wife

    Is anyone still on this blog? Just wanted to see what’s happening to ya’all.

  • Your Name

    Everyone needs to live right. Let the wayward be wayward, and just you, yourself, live right. It’ll show, and if people continue to cheat, it is their loss. No one can stop infidelity other than those who engage in it. I am just happy that it is him, and not me.

  • Nic

    What concerns me is placing everybody into the same bag. Surely there are genuine decent people with genuine feelings out there that are having a hard time. Sometimes we can lean on a friend in times of need and that can strengthen the friendship and that can turn physical and that can turn into love. What about Audrey Hepburn and Spencer Tracey? That love lasted until his death. And although his wife was still in the picture somewhere, Audrey was the one at his deathbed. Surely people can fall in love and be level headed? I can’t give any answers to how any of it works out in the long run, but I just don’t think we can dismiss it either. I truly don’t think that the majority of men nor women who are out there having affairs are bad people. I don’t believe they aim to have their fun and hurt the person involved nor those around them.And if they were of that nature, then surely it would have been a very small lived affair?

  • Your Name

    I am a married woman with 2 children. I had an affair for a year with a married man with 2 children. We are the same age and neither of us have evern been involved in another relationship but it happened because there were gaps in our own marriages. While the romance between us has died, the emotions involved were the strongest I have ever felt. We both knew it was wrong and because we are religious we were not going to leave our partners, but the affair was fun, and this is what makes ending one very hard.
    I can understand why having an affair is tempting and exciting. And the best way to avoid having one is to look after one’s own marriage, and that takes two.
    I can also understand why a wife would leave her husband and family for another man. Women my age (I won’t say how old…!) like to still feel sexy and lovely, and sometimes the husband is busy in his work and forgets to tell her that and another man comes along and says lovely things a woman wants to hear etc. Believe it or not, men are emotional as well. They don’t connect with someone outside the marriage just for sex fun. They like to know there is an emotional connection there also.
    Anyway, it happened to me when I never thought I’d do anything of a sort! just shows how weak I am too.

  • Your Name

    I am 61 years old and just ended a 3 month love affair with my college fiancee, who I stupidly broke up with 40 years ago. We both married other people – he is on his 4th, I’m on my 3rd marriage. I never got over this man. I looked him up on the internet and contacted him, and he wanted to see me! We just took off where we left off 40 years ago. Finally, guilt brought us to realize that too many people could get hurt and we ended it. The ending of the affair was mutual, but it still hurts so so much. All I did was intensify the connection with George, and I am more unhappy than ever and still in love with him, but married to another man. Word to the wise: let sleeping dogs lie!

  • James P.

    Had loads of fun having an affair with a single woman (mutual friend of me and my wife). The drama, the romance, the passion. I would do more uninhibited things with her that I would never have done with my wife. I guess I love and respected my wife too much, I dunno. This other woman was my soul mate, my private addiction, my sex outlet. The affair went through many phases. In the end, I was lying to both of these women to continue the affair. Finally, I did not like the person I had become, hated myself, in fact. It got to the point that I had to end it, even if it meant that I would have to be alone (a fear of mine-who is without issues?). So, as syncronicity in life has it, I came upon an audio book entitled “The Four Agreements” by a man named Don Miguel Ruiz. I had been in turmoil because of loving 2 women at the same time and not being able to make a decision (heart vs. head). I got to the point in this audio of the First Agreement with oneself entitled – “Be Empeccable With Your Word” and it was so pertinent to changing my life that I started to cry. I sat down and when I was done crying, I listened to that audio book (no vested interest in this book myself – only sharing what changed my life for the better) completely. These messages empowered me to finally do the right thing and break it off with my friend/lover/affair. It was the only way that I could be true to myself…and true to both of these women. I loved both of them enough to let them each know the truth and for me, I let them know that I was letting them both go. I was able to tell my wife that if she wanted to continue with me, I would be willing, but that I needed to be always open and honest from that point on. That meant that there would be no more lying, cheating or lies of omission that could hide secrets. Strangely enough, I had in that instant put an end to the agony of being responsible for both these relationships by letting them each carry their own responsibility after they knew the truth. I hope this helps someone in similar circumstances entangled with their own affair. Understand that each of us is on our own journey seeking awareness and that there are no wrong or right judgements, only experience.

  • jj

    I just wanted to thank James P. for his openess and honesty in his message. And to doing that, which was probably one of the most difficult things in his life; getting real and sacrificing for the well being of someone else. Congratulations. You’ve given me courage to do the right thing in my own life.

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  • Simon

    Thanks James! Been married 15 years and had a affair with a close female friend, tried to end it so many times but she has ended it and has a new boyfriend now.
    The heartache unbearable but know that I must look at my marriage and tell my wife how we can strengthen our relatonship so I dont ever do this again!

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  • Perplexed

    If this sounds tragic, it’s because it is. The wife I’m cheating on is in a nursing home. She’s been physically and mentally ravaged by MS leaving her the mind of an 18-month-old baby & a body she can’t even turn over in bed by herself. That blows a massive hole in step 4. And since I’ve invested nearly two decades in caring for her (even moved a few years back to get closer to her family who now hates my guts), I have no close friends. That sinks step 5. I had been faithful to my wife for almost 29 years from the day I met her and I didn’t know how badly I needed the companionship MS stole from us until I felt it from my mistress only 4 months ago. Now, I’m in this roller-coaster relationship, blocked by my commitment to care for my wife, because I can’t bring myself to just abandon her to the nursing home. If I break off my affair, I have nothing but shear emptiness & heartbreak waiting for me on the other side. But I’m here looking into ending it because of the heart-wrenching turmoil my mistress is going through. She swears she doesn’t want me to stop caring for my wife, but it really does hurt her that she can’t have me all to herself.

  • One day at a time

    I had to sit for a minute after reading this blog, so that I could begin to see through the tears. The love of my life is married, to someone else. And we’ve been seeing each other for two and a half years. Last week he got all excited about a new project he was involved in, and how that it might take his life in a new direction. He all excited and making plans. I realised suddenly that all the plans he was making didn’t involve me.
    What was I thinking??? Of course they don’t. DOH!!! I love him, I need him, but he is moving on.
    I need to put an end to this, before it destroys me. And it will if I don’t. I can implement these steps. They may take time, and I will grieve. But I have to let go. One day at a time.
    Thanks for the blog.

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  • Debbie

    I wish I could communicate with the lady who wrote on Aug. 2, 2009. Her story is almost exactly mine, but I haven’t had the guts to break it off yet. I fell in love with Steve when I was 13 and he was almost 17. He had me at “hi.” For five years I worshipped the ground he walked on, but he took his time with me (because of my age) and we never even kissed until I was almost 16. We never had sex because I wanted to remain pure. But when I was 18 he got married and my heart was shattered. I married a wonderful man 5 years later and we had 3 sons. But I never got over Steve. Throughout my nearly 36 year marriage, sex was never good. I tried to help it along but my husband just didn’t seem interested. For example, right after my now 29 year old was born, we didn’t have sex for a whole year. I even went to a counselor, but he refused. It became sporadic at best until 15 years ago when we became completely celibate. I completely closed off that part of my life, became a born-again Christian, and thought I was happy and contented. I knew that nothing in the world could ever tempt me to sin. Then three months ago Steve called from out of nowhere, and the burning embers reignited. Satan was at work. The only man in the entire world who could have ever permeated my marriage had re-entered my life. Two weeks later we met for the first time in 41 years and a torrid affair began. My heart is so full of love for this man. It’s become obsessive and addictive. My mom says I HAVE to end it, but how? I cry all the time, I’m down to 96 lbs., and yet the only excitement I feel is looking forward to our weekly dates. Steve is in his 2nd marriage but it’s headed towards divorce, whether I’m in the picture or not. He wants to marry me, but he has nothing to offer due to a series of bad decisions. My husband is a good provider. At my age, with no employment history or skills, I know my only option is to stay where I’m at in a passionless, unromantic marriage with a good man. Oh God, I am so broken.

  • Lou

    I’m the mistress. He has 7 children and has been with his wife for about 20 years. He is obviously Catholic and doesn’t believe in birth control or divorce. He will never leave her, even though he isn’t happy. I’m not in love with him and want out of the relationship before I get too attached. I have been conflicted since the first innocent dinner. He’s a contractor that I met at work. I wasn’t attracted to him at all and he never hid that he was married. We had brief conversations when he came to the site and I thought nothing of it…I thought he was “safe” because he seemed to be very married. It did surprise me when he asked me to go to dinner. I thought I would never see him again, so I went. Almost immediately he told me his story and that he was unhappy and neglected. I let him know that I wasn’t the type to deal with married men. He understood and we had a nice time. Completely innocent….so I thought. He started calling me everyday and he had to come back to the work site a few more times. We had dinner everytime he was in town. Afraid that we would be seen together, we felt it would be better to meet at my place. One thing lead to another and we slept together. I had been very conflicted from the beginning. I didn’t want to get involved. Although he treats me very well and makes me feel good about myself. The situation makes me feel horrible. Like the others, I have broken up with him several times and he has understood. That only lasts for a few days. He is really the only one getting anything from the relationship. He knows it hurts me and that I deserve more. I know he will never leave and I really don’t want him to leave. Relationships that start out as an affair usually don’t last. I know that my past and how I was treated by my father has a lot to do with why I’m in this situation. I was told that nobody would ever want me or marry me for so long that I started to believe it. At 43, my father’s words still haunt me.
    I guess we were drawn to each other because we were both needy and felt neglected. We get each other and we are both pleasers. However, I need to deal with my issues and he needs to deal with his. It feels good to have him tell all the things that I need to hear and it feels good to make him happy and give him the affection and kindness he doesn’t get from her…..but when he leaves, I am left with conflict, shame, tears and pain. I’ve got to let this go.

  • Belle

    I have been married twenty years to a wonderful guy. My husband is just not passionate and hates to French kiss. I reconnected with a boyfriend from high school. We started communicating almost daily for about a year and a half. We never had intercourse, but we shared a lot emotionally. He was very kind and supportive. We also kissed very passionately which filled a need for me…then lad week he started getting very rude and very short. Afterward, he just quit communicating. It has been five days with no communication. I know it is for the best but it is painful. He is a deacon in the Church of Christ, and I am Episcopalian, so it would have never worked. I still miss home, but we both need to focus on our spouses. I just want these constant thoughts of him to go away.

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  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Jen

    I am the “totally cold mean wife who won’t have sex with her husband and neglects him emotionally”. I just discovered that my husband is having an affair with a much younger co-worker who is also married. I have seen his emails and I know the other woman thinks I am an evil b**** because that is what he tells her. The truth is, I love my husband dearly and try to show him that every day. And we DO have sex regularly. My heart is broken and I am in so much pain that I can barely function. All of you women who think it’s ok to have an affair with a married man because it won’t hurt anyone else, think again. We almost all always find out-but sometimes we don’t tell-we just suffer in silence waiting for it to end. And sometimes we don’t tell YOUR husbands what you’re doing because we are good people who don’t want YOUR children to be hurt (even though you don’t care if mine are). You think my man is so wonderful-he showers you with attention and calls and sweet emails-he makes love to you gently and lovingly, and you can’t understand why I don’t appreciate what I have. Guess what-I don’t get treated the same way-no positive attention (only, did you call the plumber?), no sweet notes, perfunctory quick sex. All of this is what you are in for at some point if you manage to break up his marriage, by the way. You are living a fantasy now. He used to be romantic with me 25 years ago too. But he decided I wasn’t very interesting after I gave up a promising career to raise his children (which we both agreed on). So now, after giving him my life, he may throw it all away for someone who is more than willing to stroke his ego and his …. What you are doing is selfish and cruel. And if you think his wife doen’t know or your husband doesn’t suspect (and is about to have you investigated)-YOU ARE STUPID, as well as incredibly self-centered. If you don’t care about my pain or my children’s pain (they think we have the perfect marriage), or even your husband’s pain, at least care about your own children and how they are going to feel when they find out. And think about doing the right thing and ending the affair NOW, both the physical affair and the emotional one.

  • http://TOTHEMISTRESS Jen

    Try investing all that energy into your MARRIAGE.

  • http://StoptheAffair Mary

    Can you move the newer comments to the top right under the article? i.e. reverse the order?

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Mel

    Can anyone give me advice.

    Im 20, started work in a new branch of my company about 8 months ago and me and my boss really hit it off. I quickly became the favourite and me and him started meeting up for drinks,etc. He is quite a bit older than me and married with 2 kids so I didnt think anything would come from it.

    Fast forward 7 months and we are in some sort of whirlwind affair. He and his wife havent been getting on since before I knew him, but obviously our affair hasnt helped. He says he is going to leave her but im not that stupid to believe him, also even if he did our age gap and circumstances wouldnt allow us to do anything. And see to be honest, although i really do love him, hes not the guy i want to end up with.

    I dont know what to do, we fight like any other couple, and sometimes i feel guilty of what i am doing, but most of the time i enjoy it. Recently I really needed him and he couldnt be there for me becuase he had to go back to his wife and thats when i realised i dont really like being 2nd to her.

    So i dont know what to do, I love him and i dont really want to end it, especially becuase I refuse to leave my job as its my life, I have great prospects where i am and not just because i am sleeping with the boss, and i am worried that we will lose our friendship too.

    I know i should end it, but i just cant seem to do it….Has anyone dealt with anything like this before?

    Thanks,
    Mel

  • http://thanks Carlos

    Wow, sure sounds a lot like sunset drive. wonder if these two peoples names start with M and K.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Carlos

    Liars… I hope you both rot, go for it your perfect for each other…

    and give me my ring back bitch. lol

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Neni

    My situations is very similar yet different to an extent. My boyfriend of 10 years, and father of two kids, left me for another woman, the receptionist at his job. This woman had a son from a previous relationship.
    Our relationship was very rocky after our son was born. I got pregnant with my daughter when we were not together, and he was dating her. After finding out i was pregnant, he came back to me wanting to work things out, and that’s what i wanted as well so we tried it. Right after my daughter was born, he did a complete 360 on me. He changed completely. When i confronted him about his attitude, he told me he wanted to be single, but come to find out he was dating her and was even married to her.
    This all happened last year. In January this year, he came back into the picture. We started hanging out casually just to “hook-up” and i’ll admit that at first i did it for revenge but then i started getting attached. Well they had a daughter not too long ago.
    I am now the other woman. He is with me at least once a week, and texts me all throughout the day. He tells me about her and how much she changed as soon as they moved in together. He tells me about her nagging and how he can’t stand her and her son anymore. He also says that she used their daughter against him. Oh and she dislikes and looks down on my daughter, therefore I no longer allow him to take her to spend the night with him. She’s one, so i would rather have her with me. She treats my son well but says that my daughter “should have never happened.”
    We’ve been seeing each other for almost 6 months now. I dont pressure him into leaving her because that has to come out of him. He claims to have kicked her out numerous amounts of times, and his mother has confirmed this as well. But she refuses to leave. She’s a paralegal and my kid’s dad, i think, is scared and not yet prepared for courts and all that. Aside from that, he’s broke. they live in his parents house, so that helps them out.
    He talks about filing for divorce and leaving her all the time, but doesnt do it. He says he has to wait for the right time. We had a conversation about getting our own place as soon as I finish grad school, in december… but i dont want to get my hopes up.
    I feel terrible for his daughter, not for her. She brainwashed him and out him against me. He took me to court to fight for custody when in no shape or form, was i trying to get full custody of the kids. As a matter of fact, her babby daddy doesnt help her at all. Why wouldnt she file for custody with him…
    I just needed to vent… and maybe someone has a similar situation

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment on both sides

    When I was 19 I got pregnant by a “friend” we never had a relationship we just hung out at collage and eventually slept together. He didn’t believe that the baby was his and disappeared out of my life.

    I moved on from that painful experience and got married. Had 3 more kids was married for 7 years. My husband cheated on me when pregnant with our 2nd child. He cheated before but on an emotional level only. This time it was physical. I was devastated. We went to counseling and tried moving on. My husband was very emotionally abusive and that was hard but i loved him and hung in there for the kid’s sake.

    8 months ago my first child’s father appeared on the scene. We had a dna test that confirmed his as the father of our child. He started texting me and telling me how sorrowful he was that he didn’t believe me, that he wasn’t there for us. We finally met for lunch face to face. He apologized for the hundredth time and begged me to forgive him. I already had years ago. We talked and laughed like we used to it was like bumping into a long lost best friend. He told me the reason he disappeared was because he got his ex wife pregnant (he was much older than me) all those years ago. He got back together with her and joined the military to provide for them. Her child and our child are 6 months apart (hers is older).

    He told me how he would have never left me alone if he knew it was his child. That he in fact got back together with this woman because he feels so strongly about being there for his kids.A couple months later he took our daughter to Disney for her birthday after getting to reconnect with us for a couple months. I was in love. I’d never seen my husband interact with her (our daughter) the way this man did.

    We talked daily for hours. In Disney we slept together for the first time. I’ve never cheated on anyone before. I told my husband because I wanted things to get better I didn’t want to live a lie. He freaked out. Insulted me in front of everyone called me nasty names. Refused to show the compassion I gave him when he cheated on me. That was the breaking point. I left him.

    Now I’ve been seeing my daughters father on and off for 6 months. He’s still with his ex wife. They live together and she wants him to re marry her. He told me he won’t do it because he just wants to be with her to raise the kids. He married her out of obligation because he got her pregnant ironically when she was 19.

    I’ve never felt loved to the degree that I feel it with him. He’s so torn. I’m torn. We don’t want to have an affair and sneak around, but we don’t want to give up this relationship. We’re intensely connected. Last moth I remembered how it felt to be cheated on. The depression, anxiety, constant panic attacks, feeling so devalued, all of it swept over me and all I could think was that this woman would probably feel the same. I panicked and called him. Told him what it feels like to be cheated on and that his “wife” will feel the same. I told him I couldn’t make someone else feel as horrible as I felt years ago.

    I “broke it off”. But we still communicate about our daughter. He’s now involved in her life so I can’t stop all communication with him. We’re back to it. Texting, sleeping together, professing our undying love. This article helps. I don’t want to be the other woman but I don’t want to be apart from him. Only 1 friend knows no one else does.

    This article was helpful. I hope to be able to be free from this. Right now the joy I get outweighs the bad and that’s what makes it so hard. 7 years of marriage and being faithful and I never felt the love that this other man gives me. The level of warmth compassion and tenderness he gives me is what I have longed for all these years. And we have a child together. He’s such a wonderful dad.

    I’m also conflicted I pass by he’s “wife’s” house often and wish I could knock on the door and tell her everything. Mainly that we have a child together. It’s not fair for her to be lied to, but I don’t do it because I know he would be so angry with me for interfering. Being that we have a child together I wonder if I’ll ever get the break I need to sever all ties with him. I love him so deeply, but I don’t want to be the cause of her pain. I hope this time i’ll be stronger aand end this because it is painful.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment that girl

    My situation is in some ways similar to Mel’s, in that I too am the other woman, and the age gap adds extra complications. And I, too, am in pretty desperate need of some advice if it can be spared. I am well aware of what I am and what I have done, and I know the pain it causes. My own mother went through it right before my eyes. I have been with this man for 5 years now, and while we were found out early on, the relationship has not stopped (unbeknownst to the wife). In fact it has grown much stronger. We are very “serious” and we have made all kinds of plans for our future, including marriage. I have for the most part been completely on board with this, believing wholeheartedly that he is the one – he is my soulmate (as corny as I realize that may sound). I have loved him with all of my heart and frankly still do. He came from a marriage with kids, but one which he felt pressured into as a young man (he never actually proposed). I know that she has been very hard on him (even before us), and he has often told me how happy and fortunate he feels to have finally found out what real love feels like. He has also assured me that they have been on the road to divorce for years now, and that whether or not I am with him, it *will* happen.
    I have been waiting all these years for him to “get out,” so we can start our life together. There have been a lot of obstacles. I’m sure I will be perceived as gullible, but I don’t believe it was all purely excuses to stay at home. They had no money and he’s had a hell of a time finding a job that could support him when he left, which is why he hasn’t. At this point, things are closer than they ever have been. He is beginning a job that will get him out within a few months at most. After a long hard road, we are almost there. I speak very selfishly, of course, complaining of my hard journey with a man who is betraying his entire family to be with me. Don’t think I feel nothing for them. I have been in their shoes as the child of a father who split and absolutely do not want to put them through it (though they are grown now). Which is part of the reason for my finally trying to gather strength to break it off. Well, I’ve been trying for a few years now… it even came down to that a couple times, but we never actually broke up.
    To make a long story a little bit shorter, I truly believe that the man can’t live without me. That sounds really arrogant, but not only have I heard him voice such things over and over, I know him well enough to believe he would choose not to live on this earth if I left him. He feels I am his purpose, and there is nothing else – that he would have nothing else. This makes it devastatingly hard on me, as I have realized even more strongly lately that I can NOT allow this to go on any more. I have justified everything with thinking that once he gets out, it’ll all be ok. But it won’t. There will still be the hurt for them, and I will always feel the guilt. I just know that things aren’t meant to be like this – that this can never be God’s will. I know that I can’t be with him, but I don’t know how to end it… because I really don’t think he could handle it.
    I have heard all the stories about how cheating men will always find someone else to cheat on and they’re just side flings or for sex, etc. But I really believe that this case and his sincerity are different. He needs me, and his dependence scares me.
    Also adding to the hardship is that he is my first love, and while I haven’t particularly wanted to break things off because of how great we are together and how much I care for him, I am also coming to the realization that I don’t think this life is really something I want. Most importantly, it’s just not right.

    I’m sorry this has been so long but thanks for listening. I have never shared this before. I know responses may be harsh, so I will brace myself. But I would really be thankful for your prayers and advice.

    And for what it’s worth, to all those who are or have been on the receiving end of that horrific pain, I just want to say I’m very sorry for the part I have played.

    God bless.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Temple

    Will post to that girl.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Temple

    That girl,

    I’ve had some experience with what you speak about. After reading your post, my advice to you would be to break up with your married man. Ask him to contact you once he is divorced. This way, he will be leaving his marriage for himself, not you. It will alleviate some of the guilt you feel for breaking up the marriage, and it will test the truth of your relationship. If he is very resistant to this idea, I would take that as a red flag, meaning he does not intend to leave his marriage. You do know that the statistics show that most men to not leave their marriages and families for the other woman, right?

    I am not judging you. There are just some things that concern me about your post. You seem conflicted about the relationship for several reasons: 1) This is your first serious relationship. 2) You are uncomfortable about living with the guilt, should he leave his marriage and family for you. 3) Your father did just what he is doing to your mother. 4) There is an age gap. Is he old enough to be your father? Could it be there are some issues surrounding that?

    You are a young woman. I feel as if you are questioning whether or not you want to start your married life this way. I do think you have valid concerns. You say you don’t know how to end it. I think telling him, “Contact me when you are free,” is a good place to start. You are justified in saying so. He is married and you are single. Don’t waste too many years of your young life on this. You deserve better.

    Hope this helps.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment that girl

    Dear Temple,
    I really appreciate your post – thank you. Much of what you say is pretty accurate… and I agree with the advice you give. I have had a few more days to think about this and I am feeling more confident about it… almost at peace with it. I agree that having him break all contact until he is free is a good start. Maybe it would give him the time to kind of emotionally separate himself and give him the strength to let go. But I’m still really worried about him. I have no doubt that he WILL still leave her and then contact me when that happens (and I know that regardless of that, I don’t want to continue this). When I say this to him I even expect him to ask for a promise that I will still be there. I’m still working on my response to that, and don’t know what his will be exactly. I kind of hesitate to give him that sense of “false hope,” because I know that will only make things worse and end up dragging this out longer… maybe hurting him more in the long run. But if I cut it off cleanly (and in this case, rather suddenly), I don’t know that he can handle it. I’ll be talking to him very soon, so pray for me (and him) to have the strength.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Temple

    Hi That Girl,

    Best of luck with your talk. I will be thinking about you.

    T

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  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment beenthere done that

    WOW
    I think everyone’s posts are pathetic.

    Instead of being judgmental I think everyone should take a step back and think there are many reasons why people cheat and why people are cheated on. Obviously the bottom line is there is a problem – and that should be addressed, instead of just saying “The cheater is the bad person.” I cheated and felt like I was shortchanging myself. I wanted out of my marriage so I went. I was lucky enough to be financially able and to be smart enough to emotionally support my kids and myself. The person I love is going through his divorce and yes, he and I will be together because we CONSCIOUSLY decided that we both had what we were looking for. We are not alone. I know of many couples who are together who started out as affairs. But the bottom line is finding and then knowing YOURSELF. And then knowing how to make a marriage work better the second time around. There are plenty of widows and widowers who complain of the exact same shit as people who cheat “I am not happy with the other person.” Because you aren’t happy with yourself – DUH!
    Another bottom line: DO NOT STAY IN AN UNHAPPY MARRIAGE NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE TELLS YOU. Some things just cannot be fixed. It may be your fault (see “find yourself”) or it may be theirs but you should be honest and let go. Children, houses, pets and STUFF are not a good enough reason to put yourself or others through lies and hell. Be honest. As for staying and having an OPEN marriage – please – that’s really juvenile and pathetic. As is staying and having no sex life, no romance and no respect. I don’t know what you call that but it ain’t marriage. Remember – Jesus, Jehovah, God or whatever you call a higher being did not create marriage vows. People did and they are NOT unbreakable. That is crap meant to keep you trapped. Be true to yourself.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment mamapapa

    Duh! If you are not happy with your marriage, then have a divorce and move on. That way, you are not hurting other people. It is not Godly to have an affair when you are married. People who does that lack wisdom but full of foolishness! Stop making excuses and be disciplined.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Roxanne

    I am struggling to end an affair of more than 15 years. I know I have to do it and should have long ago, but, it’s loss upon loss for me; I have been through job losses, foreclosure, car repossessed, homelessness and other stuff. We have a deep emotional attachment and even though I know it’s unhealthy, I still feel that I’m now losing my best friend. During my financial problems many friends and family distanced themselves and he did not. I don’t see how I will be strong enough to do this, and I don’t see how I will ever have another relationship. I’ve always been shy, withdrawn and depressed and he is the only one who seemed to “get” me.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment peaches

    Life is passing you by. While you indulge in this fantasy, he is not. He lives in the land of reality–he’s married but you are not and it does not appear as though he wants to leave his wife. You two are co-dependent upon one another. He supports your emotional requirements, you give him something that fulfills whatever is missing from his marriage but since you provide it, why should he change the status quo. Get a life lady! Move, make some new friends, volunteer, go to a counselor, play tennis or go mountain biking. CHANGE YOUR LIFE and you will not need him any longer. Fifteen years is 15 years too many to wallow in your daily misery.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment ann

    This is the best, most down to earth, and real advice I have ever seen written on how to end ANY relationship.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Marco

    Although Therese is a great communicator, this article just plain sucks. I think that the reason we’re alive is that we are able to love. There’s no way to pretend you’re happy with a marriage that went awry. I’m living the exact same situation and, dispite being painful (yes, I’m a responible guy), I can’t admit to myself “that’s not right, you must end this affair!”. No. One should take a deep breathe and be honest with himself. And the worse thing we are told is: “yes, I’d stay for my children’s sake”. Thats’s bull***t! They feel the situation of their parents and they suffer an awful lot, not to mention (eg my children), develope mental disorders :( That said, my advice is be honest no matter what, and state clear the situation with the ones you love. Thanks, Marco. (sorry for my awkward English…)

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Churchgirl

    I am divorced after 29 years of marriage. In the beginning everything was great. A new husband, home and a yr later, a child. Sometimes as my mind reflects back over the years, I wonder was he ever really faithful. We struggled and created a nice home, cars and occasional vacations. Eventually, we moved to the suburbs. A dream I thought we both shared. My husband was always being helpful to some other woman. Other women always needed his help to move furniture, take out trash, help with their cars,and sex… The things he claimed he hated in other women seemed to be his attraction: big butts, tons of makeup, tight too short dresses, wigs and foul language. You might wonder did I excite my husband. I thought I did. Atleast,he never complained. I never denied him sex, always cooked and kept a clean house. I kept our two children clean and they were well mannered. Our children had the best of mom and dad, education, clothes, toys… We attended church together for awhile but he soon became critical of the ministers and members. He began to fid fault with everything including me. He said I no longer excited him and that’s when it all started. I later found out, he tried to rekindle an affair with a former girlfriend, slept with his best friend’s wife, amoung a host of other women from his job or just sluts he met in the street. he tried to stop for the children’s sake. I should have insisted on a divorce when our youngest was 11 yrs old, but I wanted to make it work. I wasn’t strong enough to face the truth…it was over. It was over so long ago. I got lost in the lies of trying to hide the truth from others who seem to suspect his infidelities. The worst thing I ever did was lie to myself. I have been divorced nearly 5 years. It has not been easy. First you go through stages of misbelief, hurt and shame. Then anger rises to the top. Everytime I see him, I an’t help think about all the misery. The hurt, misery and pain overshadows everything in your life. My sons were grown at the time of the divorce but still experienced the pain of a home and life divided. I didn’t begin to heal until I let God handle my situation. I don’t know when the healing started but I know I am not finished yet. I have begone to love me again. I can see my beauty and self worth again. I know that God is my pilot and deliverer. I have even tried dating again. Believe me it is not easy. Sometimes, I am too cautious. I know this dialogue must end and I would like to offer some advice that worked for me…don’t lose yourself in your marriage or children. Always keep a little space for the personal you. Remember you are beautiful, smart and deserver to be treated with respect. Never put anything or anyone before God or yourself. Love and believe in yourself!!

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment cassy

    I have read this article which I find it very useful. I hope this will help me to overcome my pain for 12 years with a married man and love him for 12 years and now I have end this with him which i feel free and no guilt in my heart. I pray to the LORD for my speedy recovery from my guilt and pain.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Vandana

    Hi I am going thru a break up just now and feel so lost and de-moralisedthat I could do something drastic.I knew it was ending as the guy had stopped seeing me and we were fighting a lot but to see it end,really is heartbreaking.I don’t think I’ll ever love again.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Rainman

    Hi,I have been involved in a destructive relationship for about a year…I knew it had to end but am addicted to the feeling I have whenever we are intimate. There is no joy outside of that, just jealousy and in toleration. I found this article to be helpful.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment sammygal

    whatever will lead you to hell is not worth keeping or maintaining. salt can only say they are in love! but speaking from a christain perspective, i dont believe its love cos God is love and where God cant be found love cant be found! my husband is married to a girl he started dating right before my eyes and i have stayed with him cos i have made a vow before God and men that i will love him for better for worst now this is the worst sometimes he makes statements like; y cant u just go back to ur parents its over between us! but i stayed and pray dat god will open his eyes to see that life is for God and we dont own it and are not permitted to live like God doesnt exist especially when we are fully aware of life after death and eternity where life becomes a dress rehearsal. salt, u will not only end these infidelity but will disconnect urself completely from him when u know or have a glimpse of what am saying! i love u! get to a point where anything dat our conscience judges to be wrong we quickly check and do away with so that we all can make eternity!and please dont think am saying this cos my husband is kiving in infidelity! the pains and bitterness is much but i still smile cos i know that am right where God has placed me and no matter how bad it is it is never beyond restoration cos GOD HAS DONE IT BEFORE AND I KNOW HE WILL DO IT AGAIN! so do me a favour and tell urself the truth if u are out of the picture the man will go back o his wife and the can make things up! you never know!

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment kat

    I lived a double life for 12 years as we were both married. His wife became very ill and passed away – he stuck by her side the entire time which was very admirable. I loved him with all my heart and he felt the same towards me. After a respectable year of “mourning” he started asking me to leave my husband and marry him. The burden was on me and I could not do it for fear that my husband would harm himself because, you see, he loved me very much also. I loved him but was not “in love” with him. I finally relented and set a date for me to tell my husband that I was leaving. We were so happy and could not wait. When the time came, however, I could not do it. So, ultimately he found someone who in a bad marriage who wanted out and saw an opportunity with “my guy” and before long they married. I so wasted those twelve years of my life – stolen moments of love – filled with lies and deceit. I now know why God detests adultary because I have never hurt so much in all my life. It has been 6 years now and sometimes I regret not leaving; but I more sorry for the pain we caused each other – “in love” is not enough. It is wonderful if you have both, which I truly believe we would have had – but I had to think of other consequences like children, grandchildren, friends, etc. I don’t know how anyone who is treated well can take the step and leave – I still think of him every day. By the way, my husband and I have been married 44 years so this was definitely not a “young love” situation – and my lover was only three years older than I so it certainly wasn’t my fantasy of having a younger man pay attention to me. Twelve years – which was worse – having God detest what I was doing or having him allow it and then go through the pain we ultimately went through. Now I continually ask forgiveness and I know I am forgiven, but I don’t have regrets because of the love we shared. Can you truly be forgiven if you don’t regret? Would I have been “more forgiven” if I had just left my husband and married my love?

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Milford Woodard

    If you are serious, send an email to end it, have no contact w/the person, don’t beat yourself up and stick to your guns. You feel guilt because you are doing something wrong let your no be NO and don’t end with giving some hope of going back.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment dani

    What a load of crap.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment CutThroughtheBS

    OK, if you’re serious about ending the affair, it’s SIMPLE. Super, easy, simple. CONFESS TO THE WIFE. Done! And don’t you dare feel sorry for this guy. He should either man-up and divorce his wife or stop cheating and be a husband. Why are you even carrying the guilt for this man? Stop being a sucker and stop letting him manipulate you. AND, AND, if he truly loves you and the woman DIVORCES him for cheating, then he’s all yours. If not, he won’t be allowed out of the house ever again anyway, and then you won’t have to worry about succombing to his questionable charms. If you DON’T do this, then you are as full of you-know-what as the guy, because you obviously secretly enjoy the drama and excitement of illicit behavior.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Lydia

    I just left an “affair” that went on for a year and a half with someone that I knew from my childhood…I was an emotional yo yo and it left my heart empty…It totally destroyed my life in the process too…I was left with the emotional baggage in hand.. he just went right back to his toxic relationship because he says he can’t support himself financially. In this case, I knew what the wife was like and she has mental issues but pays his bills. The divorce was filed but never went through, nor would have, she wouldn’t let go and he “didn’t want to hurt her” but obviously he was perfectly fine in hurting both of us in the end to save himself. He threw me to the wolves and ran because he can’t face himself…I do have morals and wasn’t comfortable at all with the whole deal. He also wanted me to trust him blindly despite his lying and instabilities while paying fifteen hundred a month in his bills blindly..(He had no job or career) without him putting anything or any effort into me and our relationship….He refused to do anything to prove his sincerity of his intentions with our relationship…He blames everyone else for his failing at life..He apparently thought his just “risking everything” was enough to make a relationship work between us…guess I am the lucky one… I finally saw the light after much emotional abuse, living in lies, secrets and broken promises… no future in that. He’s not a happy man and neither is the person he is with…. I am a happy person who still has a shot a finding my happiness with another..I have morals… He asked to keep contact with me while he’s back with his wife while he “figures stuff out.” I said NO as much as I wished it could be different. I also had a chance to realize why his relationships all went in the ditch…With that said, I have no hope with anything working out with him…Simply put..do NOT begin a relationship with someone who’s not owning up to the past mistakes they created nor 100% available to you and definitely not one based on secrets and lies..it’s a like a house built on sand. That leaves nothing to contemplate … but some one who truly loves you and themselves would not put another they care for through such heartbreak and turmoil… I love myself enough to get out situations like this..it will hurt and I know I wont truly get over the emotional turmoil this one has left me with… I truly loved this person and will miss him everyday for the rest of my life…but anyone that leaves a trail of hurt and betrayal behind them so carelessly will never be a happy human being or have a happy life with anyone. Whatever he does have now is damaged beyond repair…So anyone having a chance to get out of a three ring circus if they find themselves in one should run while they can. I happened to be the “other” woman without a choice in the matter. I am a person that is faithful and loving and was sucked into something like this despite all… being intelligent does not always protect people from matters of the heart. Especially if you are the one invested to the point that you love them so much you want to believe what they’re telling you…Actions speak louder than words..that is what defines situations like these as “unhealthy” and toxic to our well being and makes a relationship impossible…I’m not here to judge but the people that cheat and search elsewhere for happiness are looking outside for something they need to find within themselves… and if one gets into a relationship married or not… choose the right person and know the grass is only going to be greener where you weed and water it…or be single and honest if you cant be faithful to one person. It’s not complicated..it just takes all your strength to move on..and stop torturing yourself with love that will never fulfill your soul.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment C

    try SLAA

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment VC

    From my own experience, find someone that you hate to leave in morning and can’t wait to get back to. If she feels the same way everything else will take care of itself. Like the author said,”Communication.” It’s not rocket surgery people(Sarcasm intended). Bottom line—-If you love–Show it(always), If not, have an affair.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment LKJ

    I was involved with a married man for almost 10years. Initially I didn’t know he was married, but when I found out I “tried” to end it! He told me I was the only one that understood him, then I relocated – he then told me they were no longer together and would like to follow me to my new town! Only to find out even though he relocated with me, he was still as married as before! For 9 solid year he kept us both and was spinning stories to us both! I was devasted because he was trying to get me pregnant and desparately wanted to start a family – I was hesitant because I felt I was not ready to have a child, more so out of wedlock! Thank God I evaded having his child, as I found out I was being played! Eventually when I said enough was enough, he tried to commit suicide!
    There is never a reason good enough to be in an affair, never believe a man who says he’s in a bad marriage but cannot get out of it! Rubbish! You are worth more than that and he should release you to be seen and valued by other singles such as yourself! Letting him/her squirm their way back into your life is selfish of them and they only want to have and eat their cake!

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Delores Powell

    In addition tothe 10 steps listed, I would suggest that you begin to look at yourself. How do you feel about the person you are? What are your standards for your on character and integrity. Do you feel that you are important? Do you deserve to be healthy and happy? Why do you think you only deserve to receive a small portion of happiness that will only result in guilt and lead to depression? How will you feel if you were the wife? Personally, the cost is more than any one person can pay. You deserve to be happy. Do you know what God’s plan for you is? Why not start there!

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Lady Bug

    I am a Christian woman married to a preacher. We had real good friends and he became close to her when she loss some loved ones in her family. I finally overheard him on phone with her telling her a lot of stuff about how their like would be one day together. When i asked him about it, he told me they were close then i told him he could leave. He went to her and she told him she would not leave her husband. After several months of this back and forth and him telling her several times he was staying with me and cutting it off with her, it did not happen. I found out they were intimate and he left for a week and lived with a relative. He came back and told me it was over and wanted to come home, i let him come back. Then last week all the signs where there and talking to her again on antoher phone. Then i caught them eating lunch together, came home and moved him out of our home! Now i am seen as the bad guy,he resigned his church, been ugly to me. I forgave him the first time, but i can not tolerate this. He says she needs him because she is suicidual, what about me, don’t i need him too? OMG, i want to do God’s will…

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Anna Graziano

    I appreciate this article because I was the one cheated on. My marriage ended because of the affair,but there were other devastating factors also.The word affair sounds like a party. This is no party for anyone involved, especially children. It is sheer devastation.This is how santan ends marriages!Don’t let the enemy win and gain your soul.It isn’t worth it!Think before you act. Think about the spouse at home and how you would feel.It is heart-renching I can assure you.Walk away and you will save yourself and many others from living in hell!

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment inyourcorner

    There is a website called baggagereclaim.com that has tons of useful information on dealing with being the other woman and, if you are serious about leaving the “relationship” you have, which is not really a relationship at all, how to get over a break-up with a married man. I am currently helping a friend who is in the same situation you are in and the articles on this site have been very helpful to her. Good luck to you and God Bless You :)

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Chuchis

    You are worthless, inmoral, selfish, stupid. I would never go out with a married man because I have self respect.

    When you got horny he was next to you and you didn’t care about anything else. You deserve the pain you are going through and more.

    If a married man comes to you with the BS “my wife don’t understand me” I know what it is about, A cheater looking for stupid, wich he won’t find in me.

    Karma will come to you for the pain your selfishness caused destroying a family.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Chuchis

    AS a young atractive woman that I am couldn’t count how many married man have tried to fool me with poor me: my wife is a crazy jelous woman: we don’t sleep in the same room anymore: she doesn’t understand me: she has cancer and can’t have none no more. He feels lonley: He is separated but in the same house. I heard all kinds of lies.

    Some women are so airheads.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Ameangelhair

    I am struggling with this right now. At first, I was having an affair with my best friend and we ended it mutually. Since then, I have divorced my husband, not because of the affair, and now I am back in the dating game. I don’t know if it’s that I need the attention or my inability to say no…probably both. I get strong and say no but when I’m lonely I make plans. My thing now is that two different guys like me and they are both married. I have been strong in saying no, but right now I have plans to see one of them for the first time. And I know his wife. I have told him no several SEVERAL times, but this time I have caved and we are supposed to see each other in 6 days. But I have grown; I know that b/c I don’t want to go through with it. Now I have to end it before it begins but have to find a way. I’m not worried about hurting feelings. The other guy is one that I just can’t get away from. We’ve known each other for 18 years on and off and now have this connection b/c we actually had sex recently with him married and me not. I have walked away nicely, rudely, very very mean like, and every time something draws us both in. Well, God give me stregnth b/c I am doing this to myself. I have a daughter. My mother cheated and now I have done this. I DO NOT want my daughter becoming me or my mother. At least not this part. So thank you for this article. I now have some sort of guideline to follow. Pray for me.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Jenni

    ~Before you read my comments please know that I am aware reactions change from how you think you will react in a situation to how you end up acting. I’m just putting another point of view out there. Not better or worse (in my opinion), just different from what I’ve read.
    I certainly don’t think cheating is “right”, but I am not going to sit around wasting my time judging the other imperfect people in our imperfect world about what they do if it doesn’t involve the abuse of a child or a vulnerable adult. We are human, and everything that goes along with that (funny enough this includes being judgmental). Live and let live people! I like to read about situations that others are in that I may one day be in and see how they handle the curve balls life throws at us all, but (understandably, I guess) some people’s comments have been pretty extreme.
    If my husband chooses to become involved in an affair I will be hurt, angry, and I will most likely kick his butt (hard) to the curb, but I’m not going to drag him to the stockades so the angry villagers can stone him. I’m not going stitch a scarlet A to every shirt he owns. I will hold him accountable for his actions, I will take responsibility for my actions, and as for whoever was the object of his lust; I am a firm believer in the “What comes around goes around” school of thought. If this hypothetical “she” is married, I suppose at some point her husband will find out what his wife is capable of, and if she’s not…she and I never made a vow together before our family, our friends, and our God. What am I going to say to her? I know this may sound sort of “out there”, but I really don’t think I would care about her much one way or the other. I am attractive, smart, and successful, and if my husband cheats on me I won’t need to know what the other woman looked like, and I certainly won’t give flying F how she was in bed! I will know that the choices that have been made probably have little to nothing to do with me personally, and everything to do with his insecurities, self-doubt, and base desires.
    I truly struggle against the urge to pass judgment on others; I truly don’t understand people who so enthusiastically judge others. I think we are all here to learn our individual lessons; why is it we are so easily distracted from our mission? I love the Oscar Wilde quote; “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” I am still trying to figure out if I am just hanging here in the gutter, or if I am actively looking at the stars…Blessings to you all!

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Hellene

    My Love Spells Testimonials

    In October 2011, I was on the verge of losing my boyfriend. After this love spell I found he still loved me. He advised me to speak to him. He refused to open up. I asked him about casting a spell. He explained the process. Within 1 WEEK, his mood completely changed, his outlook improved 100 percent and we made plans for the future. Now we’re engaged and the wedding is April 14_2012. Thank you. — FREE MERCY TEMPLE,( freemercytemple@gmail.com) Viewer’s should help me thank him…. I am getting married soon.

    Your spell worked for me in the time-frame you hoped for. Thanks.

    I felt the power of your Love Spell almost immediately. Results happened! Thanks! — Hellene, London

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment pam

    Here’s what happened to me and what I did. I was in a really terrible, abusive marriage for 10 years (after four years of dating, which meant I was just a teenager when we began) when I met a really wonderful man. He also was in a terrible marriage, for reasons not worth going into here. He had been married at the time for 16 years, having gotten married at the age of 18 (both of them). My husband had told me he didn’t love me and didn’t care if I stayed or left (with the kids) but we were living out of town from family and I wasn’t working full time, so no support emotionally or means or confidence at the time to think I could do it on my own. Long story short, although this man and I fell deeply in love we were both so guilty, confused about how we could be thinking clearly and were sure we weren’t, etc., after a several months’ long (I hate to call it an affair but that’s what it was) affair we mutually agreed to end it. We had not gone about things in the right way at all and wanted to correct as much as we could what we had done wrong. There was a lot of turmoil – even though my husband had said he didn’t care about me, he went crazy when he found out that I had met someone else. He stalked me, etc. I was really afraid for my life and for the person I loved. My now ex called this man and his wife. Everything, I mean, all of it, blew up. Of course, the problems were there that had always been there and my husband and I divorced, as did the other man and his wife. But as a Christian, my guilt and self punishment was huge and I could find no peace with this but to leave it all behind. I tried to get on with my life. I raised my kids, I worked and was successful, my confidence in myself bloomed, and I matured. I made a lot of personal mistakes too (married again, a second disastrous marriage but we parted as friends). Seventeen years after I said goodbye to the man I fell in love with in 1986 he found me again. He too had never gotten over me. We were sure anyone who found out that we had decided to see each other again – and knew right away that all we wanted was to be together, married – would think we were really crazy. We knew our first spouses would probably trash us if they could. We knew it would be hard. But we had a second chance and we took it. We truly began again, this time with the right timing, and have been married 9 years. We almost never fight, but we do disagree. We are a united front with our collective six grown kids and some are happy we are together and some aren’t. But we both know there is no way we wanted to live any longer knowing how we had never forgotten each other and not being together. Many times we talk about what if we had just “blown it out of the water back then”. Maybe things would have worked out well, I don’t know. But I do know that although we made our mistakes, we were weak, we did something that neither of us were proud of then, we were just incredibly blessed to have another chance. I cannot imagine my life without this man, the love of my life, or his family either, as well as my own. I can’t advise anyone else, but you have to resolve your own issues and you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror each day and like who you see. And we achieved that.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Kori

    I had a 7 year affair with a married man while I was married myself. All the highs, perks, excitement and pleasure does not compare to the pain and loss I experienced when my affair was discovered.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment don

    I have fallen into this trap right now with a married woman, she has been persistant to me for over 2 years and I declined as I am married with children, I made the big mistake and gave in, the guilt is ripping me appart as I have children, a wife with a long faithfull marriage and beautifull home, I hate what I have done and this married woman will not give up but I do, it is so wrong and I feel so sad now and don’t know where to turn, every time I reject this married woman, she flips out on me and all I want to do is focus on my marriage and children, I am not interested in affairs, I never was and this woman caught me out in weak times, even in times of her pressuring me to that final momment of my mistake, I was still telling her no I can’t but she will not listen to me, btw she works with me so trying to distance myself from her is impossible, I know my mistake and I hate it and want to act on this so badly before I wreck my home too, even though my wife doesn’t know yet I feel I already have killed me home and children, I am so lost at the momment.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Dear Romeo

    Dear Romeo,
    I love you more than words can say and despite our situation or the outcome that will not change. As politically incorrect as our relationship is, and as un-Biblical as we may be, I can not help but believe our paths were meant to cross and somehow become intertwined.
    I’ve lived a life that most could/would not. Some are just born to carry a lot. Even those, at times get down, but that’s why God ((or whatever higher power you believe in (trying to be politically correct for once)) sent you around.
    You help me feel in a way I have never felt before. While laughing with you brings such joy, the times you hold me while I cry are just as overwhelming.
    With you its okay for me to be me. A person I once knew and had lost. A person that isn’t quite who or where I want to be in life, but one you believe in and love.

    Now for the flip side. You piss me off beyond measure. You make me feel all those things and so many more that I cannot even bear to go into because it hurts me.
    As much joy as you bring into my life, you bring equal or more pain. My entire life I’ve had to put up with settling for seconds, losing. I’m tired of losing, and I think we have have set ourselves up for nothing but that.
    We talk about how its best for the children to be raised with their parents together and I agree with that to an extent. That is in a normal circumstance. What we have done has altered normal circumstances and probably to an extent that normal circumstances can never be restored. Lets look at these options:
    1. We continue as we have been, Cherishing the moments we have with one another aka:(sneaking around and seeing each other as often as possible. Lying to our children about why we are not at events. Lying to our spouses and creating suspicion which causes more tension in the household that whether we admit it or not the children notice. Painfully breaking my heart each time we have seperate to go back to the real world and causing me to be jaded. Long term ending in us either getting discovered and our worlds blowing to pieces, prolonging the inevitable hurt and pain of our spouses by letting them “waste” years in trying to make it work with us who are obviously disregard their feelings, and then if they except our apology us miserably trying to make up for it the rest of our lives.
    2. Taking control of the situation and living in reality: (this breaks down into two possibilities. a) verbally addressing our true feelings and intentions to one another. If sex is taken out of the equation is there enough there that binds us to building a future together? We have already gone past the point of no return on normal circumstances pain is inevitable at this point we just need to decide how to deal with it. I ask you the other day if you were going to sneak around with me for the rest of your life. your response “I don’t know, am I?” I said, “I haven’t decided what I am going to let you by with yet>”…that was a a lie. No you are not going to sneak around with me the rest of your life, because we deserve more. b) Facing the reality of what we verbalize. I need you to tell me the truth. Don’t give me the who knows long term bullshit because as bad as I want to be ok with long term, its hard to when I feel its just a way of putting off the inevitable pain. I’m trying to become okay with having a broken heart because I know in time it will mend, and given our not normal circumstances I need to learn to cope either way.
    This is a decision that needs to be made together because I am not strong enough to make it alone. I am however strong enough to keep pushing until we make it.
    Love always,
    Juliet

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment susan ss

    well almost made it to the six month mark but there were red flags i ignored. at first we were spending alot of time together then to one night a week. he stopped making plans to be together but during the last two months he has said you deserve better. it finally hit me that i do deserve better. his wife deserves better and if more women kicked these idiots out they wouldn’t keep having affairs. i am done this timefor good. married women are so stupid it is unbelievable. goodbye jeff hope your wife dumps you.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Anita

    These steps sound very helpful…. Will give it a try.. I deserve better

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  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Fallen Angel

    I started to have an affair for 5 months with my ex who is a married man for 12 years now. we haven’t seen each other for 16 years..and when we did…he professed he’s undying love for me, like im the only one…his soul mate..the love of his life…his one true love!

    But i am married as well. At first..i’ve done everything not to get involved with him. But for 2 months of trying to steer him away from me, i gave in. He’s based in middle east…while im based in asia…he kept on calling me like 20 times a day..spending huge amount of money just to call me.

    To cut the story short…he really went to see me…fly 12 hours jst to see me and to be with me.

    I feel so guilty…im being unfair to my family, husband and her wife.Even though he’s telling me that his marriage is long broken before i arrived in his life again..that their marriage haven’t been consummated for more than 6years… His wife finds out about our affair and kept on sending me hate mails..threatening me…been trying several times to end this affair..but he wouldnt want to do so.

    I am not a bad woman…i can feel for his wife…my family is hurting as well specially my parents…my husband.

    Please help.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Your Name

    I have a different one for ya all! I am a married woman who has had a year long on again off again affair with another married woman. Both being “curious” about women – we embarked on a FWB approach to things and fell hard and fast. My husband knew about this affair and gave his blessing for me to follow something physical…it never occurred to either of us that I was at risk of my heart becoming tangled – especially to the degree it did. Thank god this woman is cautious and hates change…because I would have unraveled my whole life 2 months in…I thought she was the ONE…this was “it”….with my husband of 17 years wondering what the hell just happened. Counseling…couples as well as personal…and my marriage has been spared – strengthened and we have agreed to a different way of handling our relationship that is person to us. But…this affair with this lady…has about destroyed me emotionally…it turned toxic and is locked in that typical pattern that affairs have…as of right now – I am trying to dig in deep and stay away from her. We have not been physical in over 4 months…which is good but the emotional stuff on and off has kept me involved…and I cave every time she wants me or misses me. She is as addicted to the cycle as I am. I have sent my good bye letter – so far there is no response – as oddity with her so I pray she received it…otherwise I may have to resend it if she contacts me again – which I always say she won’t…then she does a week later…or less. She runs hot and cold…and even though everyone always thinks they are in the right – she has absolutely done damage because she doesn’t know what she wants…and two – she has lied to her husband this whole time. Even though he knows of her love of women – she refuses to tell him the whole truth about her relationship with me. He thought I was just a friend for a long time…then she told him of the emotional stuff – but for all I know – she vilified me – exonerating herself from it all to save face…I would not doubt this.

    Anyway – my husband is my rock and my support through this break up – I have a trusted friend who keeps me accountable…and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt – this is NOT going to segway into something healthy…or that we can pretend and just be friends…that won’t work – and that is the part she is always lamenting over…that she wants me as her friend…but I see it as – we were friends because we were in love…not friends that had sex…there is a difference…Thanks for reading…

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Leonard from Australia

    I wanted to let you know Dr Ekaka how absolutely rapt I am with the Lucky Coin you sent me! From day one things just started to work for me. Suddenly job offers have started coming my way, my creativity has been re-energized and I can’t believe how many lucky coincidences have suddenly entered my life. I carry it everywhere with me now, it makes me feel safe and secure. Each day I look forward to what new surprises it’s going to throw my way you are the best ekakaspelltemple@yahoo.com

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Duolly

    I had been having problems maintaining relationships long term. For reasons not known to me at the time every relationship l had kept failing. Guys just left me with no valid reason. When my last one failed l felt l had to seek help. How could l keep letting this happen? Vudoo spell caster quickly did a consultation for me and found out there were problems with me, l had somehow had a curse on me that prevented me from having lasting relationships. With his help and dedication we got rid of the curse. He cast me a lost love spell and a binding love spell. The most amazing part was that the result it 4 days and my man is back in my arms. The vudoo spell caster was there to reassure me and to make sure my financial life was secured. He immediately got to work to resolve any problems.
    If you are having problems in any aready of live, i would advice you meet this spell caster through his email vudoospell@gmail.com, i met him through a co-worker who knew about my problems. and now am free for good and happy.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Camille Bruno, from Canada USA

    My name is Camille Bruno, from Canada USA. I never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i see my friend online this week on a business summit of transfer. I also meant a man online who’s name is DR mukulu he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to Canada, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is mukulutemple@yahoo.com

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment mercy

    I can’t thank you enough for all that you have done for me. About a year ago I my partner split up, we had both made BIG mistakes in our relationship. He ended up moving away from me to pursue a new life. I knew in my heart that he would be the only one to make me happy. I was relieved when I found your email on a site about what you have done. I requested 3 to 4 day casting of the reunite us love spell and within 4days mark company had relocated him back to our hometown where I still lived. We immediately reconnected and move in with each other. Our wedding date is set for Summer 2012. Expect to see your invite in the mail!.thanks to upesaspelltemple@yahoo.com

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment ALFREDA

    “I love that Triple Strength Love obsession…. we are back together it worked that next day…. my neighbor down the street said he kept driving up and down the street. He called and me and i acted surprise to hear from him. He said he kept thinking of me so bad he couldn’t sleep right nor think straight… I don’t know how you did it (Dr Ekaka), ekakaspelltemple@yahoo.com but you helped me. Bless you!”

  • http://yahoomail.com ABELIA

    My ex-boyfriend dumped me 0ne week ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don’t know what to do, so I reach to the internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you Hindu spell. You are truly talented and gifted. Email: hinduspelltemple@yahoo.com is the only answer. He can be of great help and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man and he can also help you to solve any problem…Lol I am very happy…..,,,,

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment lilly

    nothing happened. Dr Omo I will give credit where it is due. Dr Omo is a spell caster that you will ever find. I am in a place in my life that I thought could never happen, but I am. My love has returned and I feel the negative spells that was on me is broken. I’m telling you if you been to other spell casters, psychics with no results or you never been to one and you need help, Go to alteroffiretemple@gmail.com you will be glad if you have him as a spell caster.

  • http://www.pure-relationship.com/helptandc.asp?s=s&hide_toolbar=1 girl friendship

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  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Jackie

    An email?
    You are a pansy.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment mali

    my lover is back with the great help of priest okdou he help me cast a spell that brought her back to my arms, in just one days. my lover left me with our only kid and now they are back, once again i want to thank priest okodu for his wonderful spell am now a happy man. you can contact the great spell caster on his email: okoduspelltemple@yahoo.com

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment emma

    I want to thank Dr. Antogai because he just did a miracle in my life last week ago and i also want to use this opportunity to wish you happy Christmas in advance i hope you keep your good work up contact him anyone with problem he can help you out antogaispelltemple@yahoo.com

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment mercy

    I and my boy friend as been separated for a long period, I cam
    across different spell caster and they were all unable to bring
    my lover back. I was so sad and almost gave up on him when i
    met a spell man Dr upesa that helped me get my lover back. Ever
    since then i have been so happy and couldn’t believe it would
    happen. He also helped me with success spell, I have been
    living happily with my lover now and will be getting married
    soon. Here is his contact if you need his help
    upesasepelltemple@gmail.com

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment DEBORAH

    this is what this great man has done for me he help me bring back my boyfriend within 4days he told all i have to do and that was what i did i never believe this till i saw it with my own heart this man is really powerful and truthful he can help you solve any kind of problem he is real a great spell caster you can contact him email donkbaba@gmail.com cell phone +2348151795598

    Deborah sunny
    u s a

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Mrs caro

    here is testimony of my life, i was blind and put in dicky and i cloud not know right or wrong till i meet this man called Dr. Mu-Sir who showed me light. that lend me to my destiny. i am dropping his email address: musirheal@gmail.com for you to contact him if you felt or told that your dream is shatter, he will bring back your dreams again

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment I’m The Prize

    Quote from Jen posted April 12, 2011 at 10:28 am

    “Try investing all that energy into your MARRIAGE.”

    Jen, you are an insensitive b#%!&

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment enburg

    enburg
    My ex-boyfriend dumped me 4 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him.I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me.I was so confuse and don’t know what to do,so I reach to the internet for help and I saw a testimony of how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problem to him and he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my ex came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness.I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that,we are about to get married.once again thank you Antonin spell.you are truly talented and gifted.Email. templeoflove1@gmail.com is the only answe

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment T williams

    My husband is cheating on me and it hurts. It doesn’t matter it they are not happy in their marriage or not. You just need to leave MARRIED MEN ALONE!!! You are a home wrecker. You are so wrong for what you are doing. I don’t know if you believe in God or not but you will go to help for this. I’m sure you don’t read the bible because if you did you would know this. I hope if you do end up with some other women’s husband you will have bad life for that. You are nothing more then a big sinner!

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Ziggy

    Should every married man or woman in an affair really do the ‘honest’ thing and walk out on their spouse and children in order to further indulge their selfish behavior and prioritization of the new prospective spouse they have just met. Only to very probably repeat the behavior x years down the line with their new partner. It goes without saying that a monogamous marriage is the best thing, but once you are in an affair you have to deal with the situation. Divorce can potentially wreck the lives and/or stability of all children involved, sometimes parents of the divorcing couple too, plus of course the cheated upon spouse… is doing this really in any way honest or preferable to letting the affair run its course (which ultimately leads nowhere without divorce… except perhaps to an affectionate friendship after it is over).
    Divorce is wrecking the structure of society, many married people are unhappy for a while, but also know that they love their spouse, even if they are cheating.. these things are complex.. but one thing is for certain divorce can become a hereditary condition passed down generations.
    And it is better to love and lose than never to have loved at all… IMO if you are unhappy in marriage and you find true love anywhere you should take it (at least for a while) and always be as honest as possible with the new person.. because at some point you will probably break their heart or let them down.. and don’t keep it going if the pain is too much to bear for either party.

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  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment precious

    ‘My mouth is full of testimonies, Am miss PRECIOUS E my husband left the home for two years to south Africa for a tourist, where he meant this prostitute and he was bewitch by the girl my husband refuse to come back home again, i cry day and night looking for who to help me, i read a news paper about a powerful spell caster called Dr okogbo i contacted the spell caster to help me get my lover back to me and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods we fight for me.. he told me by mid-night when all the spirit is at rest he will cast a spell to reunite my lover back to me. and he did in less than 3 days my husband came back to me and started crying that i should for forgive him, i,m so happy for what this spell caster did for me and my husband.. Dr okogbospelltemple@gmail.com‘ or his phone number
    +2348154922482

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  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Tessy

    I found Dr. Abu on the web when my finances were in real trouble. My husband had gambled away most of our savings, I had no job, and we were facing foreclosure. I needed a money spell from Dr. Abu, and quick. I can’t believe how understanding he was. After ordering the spell, I felt much more confident that things would turn out. Believe it or not, it did. I won $150,000.00 the following week, found a high paying job and my husband went into treatment for gammbling addiction. We’re doing much better now and we get to keep the house. Thank you, Dr. Abu, for being there when my heart needed it the most. If you need help in any area of your life just contact this good man and he will help you at once. Contact him via: Ominighospelltemple@gmail.com and also reach him on Skype via: Dr.abu11

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Konfused

    I have been involved with a married man with children for over 4 years. 2 years ago someone informed his wife of our affair at random and since then his wife has had him in lockdown. Always suspicious of his phone, calls him several times a day asking when he will be home or where he is. He goes home just to show he’s home but is not an affectionate partner and I’ve heard some of their arguments where she complains abt how inattentive he is to her and how she knows they’re together only for the kids and how embarrassed she is because of him . The thing is he never stopped contacting me. Even when he’s home he finds ways to call me or text me all day long, and I see him about 5x a week to hang out or get dinner or grab drinks with our mutual friends etc…we work together … I love him but need to get out of this because the charade is insulting and dull. He confides in me with situations about his kids and home and parents and friends and work… but Hearing his same excuses and promises daily, I could write him a script. Idk how to get out of this for his family’s same and mine own… I feel so helpless.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Whitney

    Hello every one here, I found a great spell caster on line who helped me to get back my husband who has left me for pass 6months. we where married for 5 years without a child and my friend introduce me to a real spell caster named Dr. Abu which I never believe it exist but after the meeting of this spell caster my problem where solved and now I am with my husband who left me for the past three months, my life and my entire family are now happy, now I’m pregnant with the help of this great spell caster. Thanks to Dr. Abu, I will advice anyone in need of help to contact him with this Ominighospelltemple@gmail.com

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  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Sally

    This is the best article I’ve read regarding ending an affair. All the other articles state how wrong one is, how I am being used, blah, blah, blah. But the thing no one ever told me is that what I was feeling, both good and bad about the affair, is pretty common. It had become an addiction; not something I was in control of.
    Thank you for the insights. Within 24 hours of reading this article I ended the affair I was having with a man 15 years younger than me. I’m not married but he is, and has 2 kids. I convinced myself we weren’t hurting anyone because it was only sex, and we were always careful, but the reality is I was hurting myself.
    Right now having broken up with him hurts a lot, but I am encouraged knowing that the pain will dull, and there is a better life for me. This truly wasn’t God’s plan for me, for He has a plan to prosper me.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Denise

    HELLO TO YOU ALL OUT HERE,

    My name is Denise i never believe that my EX will ever come back to me after all that happens,well all thanks to DOCTOR SAKURA,i married to one MR Williams we got married at our early age of 20 we love our selves dearly,but after 30 years of our marriage my husband change and turn into some thing else it look like i married to a stranger,i was confuse so i don’t know what to do my children was aware of what is going on between both of us,they talk to there father and still yet he continued i later found out that my husband is seeing some one else i found out who this person is i discover she was just a little girl that is up to be my daughter’s age mate,she followed my husband just because of money and she was far younger than me could you believe my husband said to my face that am too old for him he need some one younger in his life that he needs a divorce he said to me is all over that he have nothing to do with me any longer,but i don’t know what to do i still love him some much not only for the love i have for him but for the children sake,how can some one from no were come into my house to ripe were she did not sold,i surf erred with my husband to get every thing we got today i came to think about it and i said to my self no i can’t let go just like that,i have always hard of a spell caster he have helped meaning of my friend to get there love once back and help then in different area were they are having problems,so i contacted him online and i share my problems with him he helped me out and my husband later come back to me with love and care just as before,once again thanks to DOCTOR SAKURA if you need his help contact him with this email: sakuraspelltemple@gmail.com he can help you to solve any of your problems okay.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment In my shoes

    I don’t think anyone can write a comprehensive article about ending affairs or what it is like to be in one until they have walked in another’s shoes. Both sides of the affair are hell. I liken the reality of having an affair to a duck looking calm on the water’s surface, but paddling like crazy underneath in order to keep up the duality.

    I had/have a marriage where sexual misuse occurred. I didn’t know what was in store for me after the vows. I played along until it ate my soul away being objectified by my own husband.

    Yes, I fell in love with a good friend of 16 years. I met his mom, dad, children, family and friends. However, I have denied myself the experience of loving him. I have had to purge that love from my heart and really ended up devastating both him and me in the process.

    I believe in God. I accept His conditions of salvation. I don’t want to sin, however, I do not understand a God that would create us as sexual beings and then impose restrictions on natural desire borne from love. Being obedient to Him has been cruel in some ways. I see the joy following Him brings as well. I must stay in my marriage and just stuff down these other feelings for the greater good of many, many people. Affairs and divorce have a ripple effect and may have an unending impact on generations.

    I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. My friends would be in horror to learn of my situation, so I keep it all buried and truly do suffer in silence.

  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Analisa

    Great CAFI i want to appreciate you for helping me get back my lover within 48hours. I must say you are truly a great spell caster so i will advise anybody that needs to get there ex back to contact Great cafilovetemple@gmail.com

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  • http://AddaURLtothiscomment Your Name

    my Names is john roselin,AM from usa.i never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa in June last year on a business summit i ment a man called PRINCE AYAWU, is powerful he could help you cast a spells to bring back my love s gone misbehaving lover looking for some one to love you bring back lost money and magic money spell or spell for a good job i m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 4weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3 year i really loved him, but his mother was against me and he had no good paying job so when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him at first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try and in 6 days when i returned to Vancouver my boyfriend (is now my husband ) he called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married i didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid and my husband also got a new job and our lives became much better in case anyone needs the spell caster for some help his email address: templeofgreatness@gmail.com

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  • Monica Maxwell

    Hello to every one out here,Am Monica Maxwell, from United States am here to shear my the unexpected miracle that has happen to me few days ago, I came across a post online talking about how she got her ex back to her with the help of the great spell caster who happens to be high Dr OSIAN, that he helped her though i never believe this because i was just wondering how could this be, but i gave my self hope and i contact the spell caster. this is the unbelievable that has happened to me this December I was happily married and we had three kids, we lived together as one because we both loved each other but before i knew it, my husband started acting funny and cheating on me later on, he told me that he cannot continue with me so that was how he left me and my three kids without noting but there was noting i could do to stop him or bring him back to me I work so had to pay the children’s schools fee and other responsibility i did this for good five years. I cry all day and night because i don’t know what else to do to have my husband back to me until this faithful day i saw the post from on one site a woman testifying how the high priest helped her to get her ex back I just wanted to try my luck because i never believe it will work but to my greatest surprise, am singing a new song i contacted the great priest on 2nd of December and he told me not to worry because once he finish caster the spell, that i will get my husband back the unbelievable happened on Friday when i got a call and I was surprise to hear my husbands voice apologizing to me that he is so sorry for keeping alone and came back home and we are happy together again wow, i really appreciate your good work great Dr OSIAN, God bless you and your good work for there noting else i can say than to tell the world about you. So if any one is out here seeing this post and you have similar issue like this, worry no more and contact the only man that can help you this email:osianspelltemple@yahoo.com

  • Maria Cooker

    This is my testimony about the good work of a man who helped me….My name is maria cooker … My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me and left me with our three kids. I felt like my life was about to end, and was falling apart. Thanks to a spell caster called papa ork who i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I was searching for a good spell caster that can solve my problems. I came across series of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. There was one particular testimony I saw, it was about a woman called grace,she testified about how papa ork brought back her Ex lover in less than 72 hours and at the end of her testimony she drop papa ork e-mail address. After reading all these,I decided to give papa a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 3 days, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before. papa ork is really a talented and gifted man and i will not to stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man…If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve that problem for you. Try the great papa ork today, he might be the answer to your problem. Here’s his contact: orkstarspell@gmail.com Thank you great ork. Contact him for the following:
    .
    (1)If you want your ex back.
    (2) if you always have bad dreams.
    (3)You want to be promoted in your office.
    (4)You want women/men to run after you.
    (5)If you want a child.
    (6)[You want to be rich.
    (7)You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever.
    (8)If you need financial assistance.
    (9)Herbal care
    10)Help bringing people out of prison
    Contact him today on:
    orkstarspell@gmail.com

  • ELICIA

    my husband and i have been separated for a long period of time, I came across different spell caster and they were all unable to bring my husband back. I was so sad and almost gave up on him when i met a man called DR Lawrence who helped me get my husband back. Ever since then i have been so happy and couldn’t believe it would happen. He also helped me with success spell, Thank you drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com

  • Narol Denison

    First of all i want to thank RUGENA for the post she made on how PROPHET ROBSON helped her in bringing back her lover before NEW YEAR . At first when i saw the posting i was so happy and in the other hand so scared,That this might not be real, Then i decided to give it a try in which i contacted PROPHET ROBSON and told him how my lover left me for another lady for the past 3years and i have been lonely and depressed without him,So i told him if he has helped anyone called RUGENA and he said yes, that was the lady he helped in bringing back her lover before NEW YEAR,I said good and i told him that if he can help me in bringing back my own lover,He laughed and said once i have contacted him that my problem will be solved. He said that my lover will be back to me within 24hours and do an unexpected thing for me. i said really, Truly when the 24hours was completed i got a text from someone saying am sorry then i decided to call the number i saw it was my lover smith voice. I was so happy he was begging me on phone, That he is ready to do anything that will make me happy in life,So i told him to come over which he did,As he was coming he came with a brand new Car as gift i was so happy and made me had access to his account to prove to me that he is not going to leave me for another lady,Am so happy today and am also thanking RUGENA for posting this early. PROPHET ROBSON ms you are truly a man of your word. He can also solve any kind of problems in this world. Friends you can contact PROPHET ROBSON on his private Email prophetrobsontemple@yahoo.com

    1. GETTING YOUR EX LOVER BACK.
    2. WINNING LOTTERIES.
    3. CHILD BEARING.
    4. BREAKING OF GENERATION COURSE.
    5. GETTING OF JOB.
    6. JOB PROMOTION.
    7. MONEY SPELL.
    8. SPIRITUAL PROTECTION.
    9. HERBAL CARE.
    10. BEAUTY SPELL.
    11. IF YOU WANT TO TAKE TO YOUR LATE ONE

  • Narol Denison

    First of all i want to thank RUGENA for the post she made on how PROPHET ROBSON helped her in bringing back her lover before NEW YEAR . At first when i saw the posting i was so happy and in the other hand so scared,That this might not be real, Then i decided to give it a try in which i contacted PROPHET ROBSON and told him how my lover left me for another lady for the past 3years and i have been lonely and depressed without him,So i told him if he has helped anyone called RUGENA and he said yes, that was the lady he helped in bringing back her lover before NEW YEAR,I said good and i told him that if he can help me in bringing back my own lover,He laughed and said once i have contacted him that my problem will be solved. He said that my lover will be back to me within 24hours and do an unexpected thing for me. i said really, Truly when the 24hours was completed i got a text from someone saying am sorry then i decided to call the number i saw it was my lover smith voice. I was so happy he was begging me on phone, That he is ready to do anything that will make me happy in life,So i told him to come over which he did,As he was coming he came with a brand new Car as gift i was so happy and made me had access to his account to prove to me that he is not going to leave me for another lady,Am so happy today and am also thanking RUGENA for posting this early. PROPHET ROBSON ms you are truly a man of your word. He can also solve any kind of problems in this world. Friends you can contact PROPHET ROBSON on his private Email prophetrobsontemple@yahoo.com

    1. GETTING YOUR EX LOVER BACK.
    2. WINNING LOTTERIES.
    3. CHILD BEARING.
    4. BREAKING OF GENERATION COURSE.
    5. GETTING OF JOB.
    6. JOB PROMOTION.
    7. MONEY SPELL.
    8. SPIRITUAL PROTECTION.
    9. HERBAL CARE.
    10. BEAUTY SPELL.
    11. IF YOU WANT TO TAKE TO YOUR LATE ONE.

  • Jude Jackson

    My Name is JUDE JACKSON .I will love to share my testimony
    to all the
    people in the forum cos i never thought i will have my girlfriend
    back and she means so much to me..The girl i want to get marry
    to left me 4 weeks to our weeding for another man..,When i
    called her she never picked my calls,She deleted me on her
    Facebook and she changed her Facebook status from married to
    Single…when i went to her place of work she told her boss she
    never want to see me..i lost my job as a result of this cos i cant
    get myself anymore,my life was upside down and everything did
    not go smooth with my life…I tried all i could do to have her back
    to all did not work out until i met a Man when i Travel to Africa to
    execute some business have been developing some years
    back..I told him my problem and all have passed through in
    getting her back and how i lost my job…he told me he gonna
    help me…i don’t believe that in the first place.but he swore he will
    help me out and he told me the reason why my girlfriend left me
    and also told me some hidden secrets.i was amazed when i
    heard that from him..he said he will cast a spell for me and i will
    see the results in the next couple of days..
    his email; obazespiritualspelltemple@hotmail.com
    call him online +2348157905793
    Visit his website=obazespiritualspelltemple.simplesite.com
    then i travel back to
    US the following day and i called him when i got home and he
    said he’s busy casting those spells and he has bought all the
    materials needed for the spells,he said am gonna see positive
    results in the next 2 days that is Thursday…My girlfriend called
    me at exactly 12:35pm on Thursday and apologies for all she
    had done ..she said,she never knew what she’s doing and her
    sudden behavior was not intentional and she promised not to do
    that again.it was like am dreaming when i heard that from her
    and when we ended the call,i called the man and told him my
    wife just called and he said i haven’t seen anything yet… he said i will
    also get my job back in 2 days time..and when its Sunday,they
    called me at my place of work that i should resume work on
    Monday and they gonna compensate me for the time limit have
    spent at home without working..My life is back into shape,i have
    my girlfriend back and we are happily married now with kids and
    i have my job back too,This man is really powerful..if we have up
    to 20 people like him in the world,the world would have been a
    better place..he has also helped many of my friends to solve
    many problems and they are all happy now..Am posting this to
    the forum for anybody that is interested in meeting the man for
    help.you can mail him on this e-mail; obazespiritualspelltemple@hotmail.com
    he’ will replied to any emails asap..hope he helped you out
    too..
    good luck
    his email; obazespiritualspelltemple@hotmail.com
    call him online +2348157905793
    Visit his website=obazespiritualspelltemple.simplesite.com
    for you to have joy in your relationship.
    REGARDS……..
    JUDE JACKSON…./../.,

  • Mark Sonia

    My name is Sonia, and i live in uk.I have been through hell and pain,looking for a good and real spell caster who can help me get my husband back.I have been scammed so many times,by some who claimed to be real spell casters.until i found the real and great spell caster ADAMGBASPIRITUSLTEMPLE who helped me,and solved all my problems concerning my boyfriend who left me since eight months ago.and after that i also took my friend along,who was also having the same problem concerning her husband,who left her since five months ago,and the problem was also solved by the same ADAGBASPIRITUALTEMPLE”. Can’t you see! the real and great spell caster is here,all you need to do now is to contact this same address whenever you are in any problem related to spell casting.It took me a very long period of time,before i could get this real and great spell caster.So right now “adagbaspiritualtemple@yahoo.com” is here,and the best for you to solve your problems…….
    adagbaspiritualtemple@yahoo.com

    ……

  • Mark Sonia

    My name is Sonia, and i live in uk.I have been through hell and pain,looking for a good and real spell caster who can help me get my husband back.I have been scammed so many times,by some who claimed to be real spell casters.until i found the real and great spell caster ADAGBASPIRITUSLTEMPLE who helped me,and solved all my problems concerning my boyfriend who left me since eight months ago.and after that i also took my friend along,who was also having the same problem concerning her husband,who left her since five months ago,and the problem was also solved by the same ADAGBASPIRITUALTEMPLE”. Can’t you see! the real and great spell caster is here,all you need to do now is to contact this same address whenever you are in any problem related to spell casting.It took me a very long period of time,before i could get this real and great spell caster.So right now “adagbaspiritualtemple@gmail.com” is here,and the best for you to solve your problems…….
    adagbaspiritualtemple@gmail.com

  • Henry Westwood

    I want to testify of what a spell caster did for me and my hubby.we have been married since 2007 without a sign of pregnancy or conceiving.I went off birth control then and did not have a period.my gyro gave me progesterone to jump-start a period and it did.,but i did not have another one.we did another round of progesterone followed by 100mg clomid for 5 months,we followed all doctors instructions but all to no avail.I have been buying ovulation kits pregnancy test AND i finally got 3 test when i was ovulating! So ever since that we been trying for years now! Well i was very confused because i keep taking ept test AND they all keep turning out to b negative! I really want a baby girl while my hubby want a baby boy LOLL! I think maybe we are just trying to hard, What i can tell you is that its been so many years now and i still yet do not have my period??nobody to help because every body around us was already at the verge of losing their faith on us.no were to run to until one faithful day i was reading a magazine and i stumble on a page were i found topic or a head line {A SPELL CASTER} who can heal someone from HIV AND AIDS,bring back your EX,enlarge your BREAST,help you win a VISA LOTTERY,losing your WEIGHT and even get six PACKS AND flatten your BELLY,I gave him a try and before i could no it Dr agumagu rescue me from my problem by casting a spell for me and told me to go and make love with my hubby,then nine months after the spell and making love with my husband i delivered a twins A BOY AND A GIRL.This spell caster name is Dr agumagu so many people have witness his wonderful work..He is nice, contact him on agumaguspelltemple@gmail.com if you are in any predicament•Thanks so very much!!

  • Hansford ann

    My name is tucker stacey.This is a very joyful day of my life because of the help Dr.Trust has rendered to me by helping me get my ex husband back with his magic and love spell. i was married for 6 years and it was so terrible because my husband was really cheating on me and was seeking for a divorce but when i came across Dr.Trust email on the internet on how he help so many people to get thier ex back and help fixing relationship.and make people to be happy in their relationship. i explained my situation to him and then seek his help but to my greatest surprise he told me that he will help me with my case and here i am now celebrating because my Husband has change totally for good. He always want to be by me and can not do anything without my present. i am really enjoying my marriage, what a great celebration. i will keep on testifying on the internet because Dr.Trust is truly a real spell caster. DO YOU NEED HELP THEN CONTACT DOCTOR TRUST NOW VIA EMAIL: Ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com or call +2348156885231 or ultimatespellcast@gmail.com. He is the only answer to your problem and make you feel happy in your relationship

  • Hansford ann

    My name is tucker stacey.This is a very joyful day of my life because of the help Dr.Trust has rendered to me by helping me get my ex husband back with his magic and love spell. i was married for 6 years and it was so terrible because my husband was really cheating on me and was seeking for a divorce but when i came across Dr.Trust email on the internet on how he help so many people to get thier ex back and help fixing relationship.and make people to be happy in their relationship. i explained my situation to him and then seek his help but to my greatest surprise he told me that he will help me with my case and here i am now celebrating because my Husband has change totally for good. He always want to be by me and can not do anything without my present. i am really enjoying my marriage, what a great celebration. i will keep on testifying on the internet because Dr.Trust is truly a real spell caster. DO YOU NEED HELP THEN CONTACT DOCTOR TRUST NOW VIA EMAIL: Ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com or call +2348156885231 or ultimatespellcast@gmail.com. He is the only answer to your problem and make you feel happy in your relationship……

  • Hansford ann

    My name is tucker stacey.This is a very joyful day of my life because of the help Dr.Trust has rendered to me by helping me get my ex husband back with his magic and love spell. i was married for 6 years and it was so terrible because my husband was really cheating on me and was seeking for a divorce but when i came across Dr.Trust email on the internet on how he help so many people to get thier ex back and help fixing relationship.and make people to be happy in their relationship. i explained my situation to him and then seek his help but to my greatest surprise he told me that he will help me with my case and here i am now celebrating because my Husband has change totally for good. He always want to be by me and can not do anything without my present. i am really enjoying my marriage, what a great celebration. i will keep on testifying on the internet because Dr.Trust is truly a real spell caster. DO YOU NEED HELP THEN CONTACT DOCTOR TRUST NOW VIA EMAIL: Ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com or call +2348156885231 or ultimatespellcast@gmail.com. He is the only answer to your problem and make you feel happy in your relationship…

  • Hansford ann

    My name is tucker stacey.This is a very joyful day of my life because of the help Dr.Trust has rendered to me by helping me get my ex husband back with his magic and love spell. i was married for 6 years and it was so terrible because my husband was really cheating on me and was seeking for a divorce but when i came across Dr.Trust email on the internet on how he help so many people to get thier ex back and help fixing relationship.and make people to be happy in their relationship. i explained my situation to him and then seek his help but to my greatest surprise he told me that he will help me with my case and here i am now celebrating because my Husband has change totally for good. He always want to be by me and can not do anything without my present. i am really enjoying my marriage, what a great celebration. i will keep on testifying on the internet because Dr.Trust is truly a real spell caster. DO YOU NEED HELP THEN CONTACT DOCTOR TRUST NOW VIA EMAIL: Ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com or call +2348156885231 or ultimatespellcast@gmail.com. He is the only answer to your problem and make you feel happy in your relationship.

  • Hansford ann

    My name is Handford Ann,i base in canada.i want to share my wonderful testimony on how i got back my ex-lover of my life back, who i sworn to be with until when he left me to another woman for no reason and i try to make things work for both of us yet things where getting worse and i love him so much and there is nothing i could do to get my ex back until i met a testimony share by Maria from USA on the internet talking about a powerful spell caster who brought his ex lover back within 48hours and i decide to give it a try and to my greatest surprise he also did it for me just as he did for Maria and i have a lot of people complaining of fake spell caster but this one i met was a real spell caster who help me to solve my problem i have no solution to,i introduce many of my best friends that have a similar problems,and their problem were solve with the great help of dr.Trust.they get back their ex within 48 hours.i am so happy that my ex is back to me again,and the most surprise,is that our love is very strong,every day is happiness and joy. and there is nothing like been with the man you love.i am so happy my love is back to me with the help of Dr.Trust.if you have similar problem i will advice you to contact him ,he is there to help you and put a smile on your face ask he did to me and others.contact email(ultimatespellcast@gmail.com or ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com call +2348156885231) what will i have done if not the great help of dr.trust. Thanks Handford Ann from canada.

  • michael walter

    i want to thank dr.odumalovetemple@gmail.com for the spell he did for me after i lost my husband to another lady at his working place, i was so frustrated and confused because i really love mark so much, someone directed me to dr.oduma and i explain things to him and dr.oduma promise to make him love and cherish only me forever, so he help me cast love and return spell for me and in 48 hours my husband return home saying he still love me that i should forget the past, my husband has so much love on his face right now thank you dr.oduma your spell work is 100% guarantee if you need his help!! contact his email: dr.odumalovetemple@gmail.com

  • Blenda Park

    This is a testimony that I will tell to every one to hear. I have been married four 4years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had a spell to take my lover away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 2years until I met a post where this man DR OLOKUM have helped someone and I decided to give him a try to help me bring my lover back home and believe me I just send my picture to him and that of my husband and after 48hours as he have told me, I saw a car drove into the house and behold it was my husband and he have come to me and the kids and that is why I am happy to make every one of you in similar to met with this man and have your lover back to your self. His email:lavenderlovespell@yahoo.com.

  • FAITH

    Hello It is been said that Heaven help those who helped themselves, The very day that i helped myself was when i contacted Dr.Lawrence And since that very day it still surprise me how Dr.Lawrence was able to cast that spell that brought my lover back to me within 48 hours. Right now i feel like i am on top of the world with my lover by my side thank you so much drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com, FAITH

  • Michael Wellington

    Helo Beautiful, At this moment i will want to share my testimony with you, how my ex was brought back to me. i have been divorced and i have tried finding another woman but none was forth coming. I met a friend who introduced me to a spell caster that helped me bring back my Wife, i am so delighted as i write this, i have been on here for a while and i want everyone out here to know that you can still make up with your ex with the help of HIGH PRIEST OZIGIDIDON who helped me.. now my family is a changed family and me and my wife loved each other like never before. I am a living testimony and i will not stop sharing my testimony. you can meet His HIGH PRIEST OZIGIDIDON so he can help you in whatever spell you want him to help you with. he can be gotten on highpriestozigididon@gmail.com. I know he will never fail you and you will come back and thank me later. I am a fulfilled man now. MICHAEL WELLINGTON.

  • florence James

    ex-boyfriend dumped me 8 months ago after I caught him of having an affair with someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don’t know what to do, so I visited the INTERNET for help and I saw a testimony on how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problems to him….. he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3 days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my peter came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you Dr airiohuodion spell caster, you are truly talented and gifted contact his email: airiohuodiontemple@gmail.com

  • JENIIFER

    my husband and i have been separated for a long period of time, I came across different spell caster and they were all unable to bring my husband back. I was so sad and almost gave up on him when i met a man called DR Lawrence who helped me get my husband back. Ever since then i have been so happy and couldn’t believe it would happen. He also helped me with success spell, drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com

  • Jude

    I highly recommend Mama Alisha Lura spell casting service. It worked for me very fast with tHe custom ritual spells getyourexbacksolutionspell@gmail.com did for me. He is great because He really works hard on your case and even now that all my problems are already resolved, I still come to him and make cHeck to make sure everything is staying on tHe right track. I feel sHe is more like family to me tHen my own family. sHe always puts a smile on my face. he web is http://weeblyalishaluraspell.weebly.com/available-spells.html

  • Laura Zamora

    !!! How Dr.Ukaka Save My Broken Heart Of Marriage Today !!!

    Glorious be unto Dr. Ukaka the great man and ever, my name is Sarah from Taxes city usa. since 1 and a half year I have witness what is called heart broken. my boyfriend that promised me marriage failed me and impregnate me and leave,he dump me,he stop calling” he stop picking my calls,and he no longer respond to me. I have be looking for solution,I fall into the hands of fake spell caster,they rough me off and took my money without help.I have cried,I have weep”and tears runs out of eyes. The silentness in my heart brought me to the deepest path of failure that I lost my job. Crying all day,because of my life was lonely. So thanks to Ukaka that came into my life and brought me the greatest joy that was lost. I saw his mail while browsing and I contact and tell him what I am passing through with no doubt because what saw about him,was enough to believe. And I was given words of solution on what to do. I can’t really help thinking about it I have tried to see what I can do, I manage to provide him some materials and he help me with the rest,after casting the spell, 12hrs later he came with rose on his hand and I was even about going out,i saw him in front of my door when he sees me he knee and said he is dying I should forgive him and accept him back he was crying,I can’t wait to let him finish I quickly crab him and kiss him, just then” he said he is restless without me, just as the prophet has said he will be. He brought out a ring and put it on my hand. Our wedding day was scheduled,1week after we got married. today makes it 2weeks and we are living happily I don’t know how to praise him enough, he has done me a thing I can never forget. And I can’t really share to myself alone, I want y’all to help me praise him because if it is wasn’t for him I already plan of committing suicide. But right now I am now so happy more than I was before. And you out there crying for help you’ve already got one,Ukaka is the man that you need in all rampart. contact his address if you need his service, freedomlovespell@hotmail.com also contact him on his web site: freedomlovespelltemple.yolasite.com

  • Priscilla

    Thank you Dr. Charles for your love spell has huge powers! I cant believe what’s happening to me! It’s been only 2 days since you did that spell to get my ex back and my ex boyfriend is already after me. Since the last two day-end he phoned at least 5 times. I believe he seems to realize his mistakes. It’s absolutely happening as you said!! Thank you drcharlesspelltemple@hotmail.com Your work is helping me so much… Without you I would feel so lonely and miserable…

  • Cassandra

    THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPEN TO ME, MY LOVER IS FINALLY BACK TO MY LIFE AFTER A LONG BREAK UP. I HAVE BEEN MEETING THE WRONG SPELL CASTERS UNTIL I WAS DIRECTED TO THIS GREAT MAN CALLED DR ZACK BALO. HE IS A VERY SIMPLE AND KIND MAN. HE ASSURED ME OF MY LOVER COMING BACK TO ME WITHIN 3 DAYS, I DOUBTED HIM BECAUSE SO MANY FAKE SPELL CASTERS ALSO GIVE SUCH HOPE. TO MY GREATEST SURPRISE, I GAVE HIM A TRY TO CAST A SPELL FOR ME, MY LOVER CAME BACK TO ME IN LESS THAN 48HOURS WHICH HE PROMISED ME. I WANT TO THANK DR ZACK BALO FOR RESTORING MY LOVE LIFE AND ALSO TO ADVICE EVERYONE SEEKING THE HELP OF A SPELL CASTER TO QUICKLY CONTACT HIM VIA HIS EMAIL wiseindividualspell@gmail.com OR HIS PHONE NUMBER +2348078927387. HE IS THE BEST SPELL CASTER EVER ON EARTH.

  • Patty

    i want to express how grateful i am, because i finally got what i have been looking for. My husband left me and our kids i have tried all my possible best to reach him but is like every time i tried, i am making things worst for myself. But thank the God that lead me to DR OYE of ABUYE SPELL TEMPLE, he helped me to restore the love my husband had for me back within 3days of me contacting him. he came back just as DR OYE told me, he will make him come back. if you are in situation like this kindly contact DR OYE on his email abuyespelltemple@gmail.com

  • nikky

    Why is that people like DR EZIZA that are genuine are hard to find. After i have searching for help for almost all the corner of this life concerning my marriage and all to no avail it was Dr Eziza that finally helped me out,he wiped away all the agony i was going through with my lover and me him stop the divorce he was planning. Any one out there who beleives all is over in his/her marriage contact DR EZIZA on ezizaoguntemple@gmail.com or +2348058176289 and join those that are happy through his handwork.

  • Harmand Amadeus

    My Name is Harmand Amadeus from California. I am here to give testimony on how got my wife back. My wife left me for no reason 3 years ago. She moved out with another man, i felt like killing myself, my life became very bitter and sorrowful. Then 1 day, a friend of mine told me about a great spell caster that is very good and does not even charge for his services, he said he gave him some lucky numbers that he played in a lottery and he won. I didn’t believe it because I’ve worked with so many of them and it didn’t work. He begged me further so i decided to try this great spell caster called DR. OTIAGBE and i contacted him via his email: {Otiagbe@yahoo.com}. I still didn’t believe. I used the spell he gave me and the next day i received a call from my darling wife called Rugina last month. She apologized and came back to me. I’m very happy now. Thank you DR. OTIAGBE, You can reach him via email: {Otiagbe@yahoo.com}

  • Tanya

    My name is Tanya i live in USA where Divorce seems to be the other of the day,i was married to my husband Lawson for 14 years and we were living happily together with our 3 kids and all of a sudden their came this sad moment for the first time in my life i curt my husband having an affair with a lady outside our marriage before this time i have already started noticing strange behavior like he used to spend some time with us, comes home early after work but since he started having an affair with this lady all his love for his wife gone and he now treats me badly and will not always make me happy.I had to keep on moving with my life never knowing that our marriage was now leading to divorce which i can not take because i love Lawson my husband so much and i can’t afford to loose him to this strange Lady,i had to seek a friends advice on how i could resolve my marriage problem and make the divorce case not to take place and my husband live this Lady and come back to me again having heard my story my friend decided to help me at all cost she then refereed me to A spell caster named Priest Ajigar, my friend also told me that Priest Ajigar have helped so many people that were going through divorce, and also finding possible ways to amend their broken relationship. To cut my story short i contacted Priest Ajigar and in just four days after the spell was done my husband left the other lady and withdrew the divorce case all till now my husband is with me and he now treats me well and we are living happily together again all appreciation goes to Priest Ajigar i never could have done this my self, so to whom it may concern if you are finding difficulty in your relationship or having problems in your marriage just contact Priest Ajigar he is Powerful and his spell works perfectly,i am somebody who never believed or heard about spell but i gave it a try with Priest Ajigar and today every thing is working well for me and if you need his help his email is (priestajigarspells@live.com)

  • Elzeenor

    If you have an affair just shoot yourself for being a waste of flesh, so your spouse doesn’t have to go to prison for ridding the world of your sorry ass.

    • Elzeenor

      It has been over 2 years since my wife ended 2 affairs, and I’m beginning to realize that I will never get past it, but she still doesn’t even seem to remotely understand how deep she has damaged this marriage and forever destroyed my trust in her, which has altered how I see her as a human being. If we have not moved past it in 2 more years, your damn right in getting a divorce. There is no reason to live the rest of my life with someone that I’m extremely still hurt and damaged by.

  • Elzeenor

    Against the Christian teachings? Wtf am I reading? Christian teachings say stone the adulterer to death, and your worried about divorce? Man, Christians don’t realize how stupid they sound even without saying they believe in an imaginary sky man.

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