Blest are you with IBS Irritable Bowel Syndrome), for you shall be able to eat nachos again.
Blest are you who breastfed, for you shall inherit free implants to repair all the damage.
Blest are you who shop at plus-sizes boutiques, you’ll never have to eat a Jenny Craig dinner again.
Blest are you with preschoolers, Mattel has promised to stop all productions of Barbie movies.
Blest are you with chocolate addictions, Hershey Park shall be yours.
Blest are you who can’t climax, Meg Ryan has recorded her superb imitation and is selling it on a CD that has husbands fooled across the country!

Blest are you who hate your jobs, I don’t really know what to say to you.
Blessed are you who envy your neighbor’s jeep, spouse, and brain, you will be reincarnated as him next life and find out for yourself that they aren’t all that.
Blest are you who are depressed and panic and cry for no reason, you will end up happier and cheerier than the punk who told you to snap out of it. Ha! Go figure!