Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue

What’s My Part In It?

After I e-mailed reader Babs to thank her for her heartfelt comment on the board, she e-mailed back and asked me a question that I’ve pondering for the last week. “Since you get so disappointed in so many relationships, you might want to look at your part in that … maybe your expectations are unrealistic.” Or something like that. (Sorry, I can’t find the e-mail right now).
I got thinking …. She has a point. I wonder if I shouldn’t throw out all my personal info in my introductions to people as I have been doing:
Hi. I’m Therese. I’m a manic depressive, alcoholic, and adult child of an alcoholic; a codependent, boundaries violator, and stage-four people pleaser; an information hoarder (clutter magnet), Internet abuser, and obsessive-compulsive (ritual-performing) weirdo; a sugar addict, caffeine junkie, reformed binge smoker, and exercise fanatic; a hormonally-imbalanced (high testosterone) female, PMS-prone time bomb, and sexually dysfunctional (neutered) creature. And, of course, I’m Catholic (possibly explaining some of the above).
Just maybe I’d have an easier time with intimacy?
Thanks Babs!

  • Wendi

    Funny, but not really that funny. :)
    Therese, you are so much more than that list of words. So am I. So are we all. We’re human beings with heart and soul, and tender soft places that have been trampled repeatedly by life on this planet. It’s hard to trust when you’ve been trampled as much and as often as you have.
    But my guess is that it’s not your expectations, it’s others’ failure to understand who you are and to let you be that. Just that. Without apology, without fear. You just haven’t met the right people, honey. You need someone with a heart big enough to hold you, and there just aren’t that many people out there like that. Don’t give up hope. :)

  • sandra

    sound like me. How did you stop the binge smoking??? sandra

  • Babs

    Theresa, boy you apply a lot of labels to yourself! Are you proposing to label yourself to others in case they don’t? How about adding beloved child of God, wife, mother, and writer to what I am sure is an even longer list of good things? Has anyone ever told you that you are too hard on yourself? My husband, who freely admits he doesn’t understand me or my distorted view of myself, has interjected it into some of our conversations (that often turn into monologues of how I don’t measure up to some vague yardstick). When he says that, I really do appreciate it because I know that I *am* hard on myself (while thinking no one knows how inadequate I am).
    Many times I know what is going on emotionally, but don’t know how to change. I find it difficult to accept compliments. I point out all the flaws that the complimenting person didn’t. So what have I said, but that the other person doesn’t know what they are talking about. Great way to deflect friendships from developing. My small step, is just to say, “thank you” period. I doubt I will ever totally stop applying a magnifying glass to my mistakes, faults, and inadequacies, but I have chosen not to chase people away by my hyper-self-criticism.
    Sometimes I think we do expect too much from people, even those close to us. I think it is the rare person who can handle, much less understand, the pain we feel. Jesus said that to the apostles that if people didn’t receive the gospel, they shouldn’t cast their pearls before swine. In revealing our deepest feelings, I think it is important to be discerning. My counselor calls these feelings gold. If we can learn to view our emotions in this light, perhaps we will have greater respect for them and share them with greater wisdo.
    Signed, “A Work in Progress”

  • oceangirl1

    When I was younger, like from the teen years to about age 30, I confided in way too many people. I hungered for friendship, sisterhood, a soulmate, counseling etc. It took many years for me to realize that others weren’t that interested in knowing my heart. The Internet is perfect for people like me! I don’t know if anyone is reading my heart’s outpouring or relating to it, but I am getting it out of me! I know you other bloggers can relate to that. I have a deep need to get my feelings out – it is the best therapy and the cheapest – blogging and prayer!!!!!! When I went through a horrible break-up five years ago, I thought I had good friends (they were actually the friends my partner and I used to party with,) who would help me through the pain. After a few months, they got sick of listening. They were polite, of course, just not as available. When I finally met Jesus and accepted Him into my heart, I really didn’t have any earthly friends left. Now, I deliberately keep it that way. I joke with co-workers or go to lunch with them or talk on the phone now and then to my sister-in-law, but other than that, I can honestly say that I don’t have good friends. I am OK with that right now. Wow – I really got off the subject – sorry! Anyway, I have “poured it out” again!!!!!

  • Sarai

    I have always felt as if I am the black sheep of my family, for instance, my mother nor any of my siblings have ever visited me, sent a card, nor called when I was hospitilized for the many surgeries I have had. My mother visits me when she ” wants something”. I was my mother’s protector when my alcholic step father would come home drunk and start on her, one night (Xmas Eve) we were waiting for him to come home to open gifts, he pushed her into a wall (she was seven months pregnant) I at eight years of age hit him with a vase causing a need for six sutures. I was ritually sent away every year as soon as school let out to live the summer with whoever was available whether I knew them or not. I could never understand.
    My sister and I has started to build a relationship, she would call or I would call at least a couple of times a week. Then the calls abruptly stopped, she wouldn’t answer her phone, finally I got her to answer and she told me I have decided to get rid of the toxic people in my life and you are that toxic person. I was heartsick and am to this day.
    I have come to the conclution that my siblings react to me as they have always seen my mother react to me. I also truly believe that even if people are “family” there is no way they can be forced to love you. I always thought just by the virture of being family that we would all love each other not so..but it seemed they cared about me when they needed something. So now it has been six years since I have heard from any one, I received a letter from an attorney advising me of my mother’s passing, I thought I was going to die, attached was her will leaving all her personal things (jewl;ery etc to my sister, the rest to be divided amongst my sibllings. I to this day don’t know what I have done to any one of them, which brought me to the above conclusion. You can’t force another to love you even if they are family. Very painful, but I imagine something one must accept.
    Painfully your’s

  • Serenity

    Hey Theresa, My info is exactly as yours.!!! So for those of you who can relate, I sugest A.A. It has saved my life. Mental, physical and Spiritually!!

  • Charlotte

    If I were you, I would seek out a good church where people are genuine and will listen to you and pray for you. I was devestated when my husband just up and left because his kids are more important than me, and I went back to church to get Jesus in my heart and soul so He could walk me through all this. I told some people what was going on with my life and they offered solace, advise and prayer. If I didn’t have them to talk to, I would have gone nuts. They don’t judge you or your spouse. They just pray. And listen. And hold you. I don’t really want to move far away because I will miss going to church there, or will have to pay a lot for gas to get there if I do keep going, but I have to move where I can get affordable housing. (I’m sure if I ask, God will give me the means for money for gas)
    I used to talk to anyone about my situations in life. I didn’t understand as you didn’t, why they didn’t want to hear my life story and be sympathetic or just listen to help me get through it. I realized one day that not everyone is a Christian, so they aren’t really in tune to helping others and being a shoulder to cry on. But at church, it’s their duty to help and support you, pray for you and give you love. Our church does anyway. Find a support group or a connect group. Get online in chat rooms where people have the same issues and will share. It always seems easier to go through when there are others going through the same. And of course, sometimes their stories are more horrific and it makes yours sound like a comedy! (just a way to say yours isn’t so bad after all…not that it’s funny.) We all go through trials and tribulations and it’s up to us how we deal with them every day and how we let them make us feel. I am losing my house, but oh well, God has something better for me. I am losing my husband, but God will either work on him while he’s away and return him to me when he is good for me, or he will send another man my way to love me. At this time, I feel like I don’t want another man and that I will never love another, but when it comes around, I will probably forget the feelings from the last to give new feelings to the present. God has the answer, knows the future and it’s time for Him to take the wheel! I can’t do it anymore. I must let go of a bad relationship, accept that I can’t make the man love me, and accept that he won’t care if I hurt or not, he’s all about himself. And yet, I can still forgive him because noone ever guaranteed that a man would love me forever. There are no guarantees in life, except eternal life from Jesus above. All else is a gamble. I will be strong through Christ and I will get through this. My mindset is positive and I am just going to think, OH WELL, HIS LOSS, NOT MINE! And then I can get on with my life. I am looking forward to fun and laughter again, instead of turmoil, anxiety if he’ll love me or not, lack of sleep or ambition, etc. I already have three men who would marry me if I was single and many more wanted to date me when I was single before. So I am not worried that I won’t get a date! I will just be picky and not go out with just anyone. It will be nice to go outside and walk in the sun and hold hands with someone even if they are only a good friend. Closeness is the main desire for me wanting a man, and if I can’t get that from my husband, then I will get it from a friend. (not sex either).
    We all have feelings and we all get hurt. But it’s how we choose to react and feel that determines this. I see it as life’s lesson not to jump too fast and expect to much from a man who is incapable of loving anyone, let alone me. Find out if a man has issues from the beginning and question everything about him. Don’t just say it feels right and think about the growing process later and jump into a bad relationship with blinders on. Know thyself and to thine own self be true. Best advice you can get! Have a great day.
    And another thing you can try. BE POSITIVE. Make a list of your goals. Think of all the things you can be thankful for and thank God. Don’t ponder on the negative. Do positive things that make you forget the negative. Don’t worry. God has everything under control. Don’t let the devil make you feel sorry for yourself, cause depression and make you want to commit suicide. NO MAN IS WORTH YOUR INHERITENCE IN HEAVEN! Get new friends. Talk about your dreams. Start a new hobby. Take your mind off the past and look to the future. It can only get better!
    My husband doesn’t want to live for God. His life is a mess. He always has bad luck and cries about it. But while that happens to him, I continue to be blessed and receive miracles in my life! WHY? Because God is in control. He won’t let me go hungry. He won’t leave me without a home or place to live. He won’t let me lose my mind! And He will always be by my side holding my hand, being above me, lifting me up, and being behind me, to catch me when I fall. So there you go. Go out and make the world sing for you! Cheer up. Smile. Wipe your tears away and say, “Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I am going to do something good. I am going to be happy. I am going to be blessed! I am going to help someone else be blessed. Thank you Jesus.” Today you are going to break the pattern and start fresh. No more bad things to think about. No more negativity. Start talking positive to friends and see how they will cling to you. Good company brings good company. Be a great person and people will hoard around you! Watch your life change.

  • lilfaery

    Hi Therese,
    you know, you listed all those things as “what you are”. The thing is, they are not what you are, but things that you do, or things that have happened to you.
    What you ARE, is a beautiful, healthy looking lady with a hell of a lot of strength and courage, to stand up in front of the world and say, “Hey world, this is me warts and all. Take it or leave it”.
    You have far more courage and strength than you give yourself credit for dear lady. Instead of concentrating on what you have not, or what is wrong with you, try concentrating on your positives and your strengths. Make a list on a piece of paper, of all the things you have accomplished in your life, and if one of them is surviving suicide, then yes, that IS an accomplishment. You are a Mum, so that is accomplished, a wife, a home-maker, you’re a writer and a very intelligent one too, you are a great helper to many on this site who have read and posted and probably many more, and the list goes on.
    Be fair to you, and take a look at all the good in you, not just all that YOU see that is bad. Besides, look at all the people who have had things wrong with them who have been famous: actors/actresses, presidents, artists, musicians, lawyers, doctors, etc etc. Did you know Margot Kidder and Carrie Fischer both have Bipolar Disorder? There are many more and look how successful they got to be.
    We are the sum total of all our experiences in life Therese and that puts you up in the intelligent quotient because of all you have experienced and mastered in your life. You are here to celebrate the gift of life, your life, whatever that life is. Make the most of you, and enjoy what you do have, instead of being fearful of the dysfunctional labels you have placed over your name in lights.
    You’ve been a hero to me more than once. Keep it up girl and if you want someone to email, you can always email me. You have already and any emails you send me are greatfully received and answered.
    May the Angels bless and love you for who you are. I do.
    (\o/) (\o/) (\o/) Love, lilfaery

  • searching

    I accidentally found this website and i am so thankful that i did. I have read many, many things on here that has helped keep me going on some days. It’s nice to know that other people have gone through the things that I am going through now.
    The encouraging words have been so helpful in keeping my head up!
    Thank You!

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