Beyond Blue

Beyond Blue

How Do New Doors Open?

Thanks to reader Lisa, who wrote the following note on the message board of my “When One Door Closes …” post:

I’m still trying to figure out how/if this applies in my own life. Fall in love at 19 — get dumped, lose my virginity to the wrong person, get pregnant, have abortion. Get smarter. Get married at 24 to man who’d been a friend for over a year. He becomes (AFTER the wedding) emotionally and verbally abusive. Stick it out for five years and get divorced. Get MUCH smarter. See therapist, take antidepressants, read, learn, spend time alone, work the mental health program. Meet man four years after divorce. Vet him carefully for power and control issues. Have happy marriage for several years — he relapses and refuses to get help. I become divorced single parent of a one year old. See new therapist … take meds … work program … lose 140 pounds … get healthy … do some dating … set clear boundaries … fall in love with special man … he tells me every day for four months we will spend our lives together … I love his kids and thought he loved mine … he dumps me out of the clear blue for someone who lives in his town, because it’s less hassle than a relationship with me 70 miles away. No one has been able to understand (or help me to understand) the cumulative effect of all these losses … and all I can come up with is 1) despite all the work I have done to make better choices, I brought this on myself with my terrible choices in men and/or 2) I am a terrible person that no one wants to be with. At any rate … doors keep slamming … and the only ones that open manage to smack me in the face and bloody my nose. Any thoughts?


I was blown away by all the compassionate and insightful notes (60 of them) that followed her entry.
Among them:

This reminded me to let go and let God, and to remember God can see farther down the road than I can. –Ms. P
When one door closes another door always opens, but sometimes we have to wait in the hall. –Mike
Don’t trip! GOD ain’t through with you yet! –Anonymous

I believe in most cases one door will open when another closes, however, there are many times when it feels like all that is happening is that doors are slamming shut and no doors or windows are opening. I believe it is at this point we need to learn two things: patience and endurance. Sometimes it may seem forever for the door or window to open for us after many a doors have closed, but in retrospect, I think we can all look back and maybe see a time in our lives when it was harder, or we had less, or maybe this is the time it is harder and we have less now. Then this is the time we need to tap into our endurance. We need to know that the bad stuff, the things we don’t want that seem to keep happing will stop, sooner or later, but we are not patient, and its hard to be patient in this day and age. Life is a journey, sometimes you stub your toe, sometimes you break a leg, but in the end, you will be able to count some blessings even if you cant even think of a single one right now. Hang in there. –Kiki
“And the only ones that open manage to smack me in the face and bloody my nose…” You are not alone. Handing one’s life to a higher power does not mean that you don’t keep walking into closed doors. I wish I had brilliant, soothing, words-of-wisdom at this time, but I don’t. About as much as I have figured out is that accepting your own weaknesses are part of the journey. –Shenova
In all the pain and agony of wanting things and people that God obviously does NOT want for me, and learning to embrace God’s will for my life despite anything (or anyone) that I may think I want…I just have to trust God. I have to trust that God knows the outcome and he’s protecting me not only from myself, but from some bigger hurt in the future or from possibly going on a life tangent that will ultimately keep me off track from my divinely appointed course for many more years. If I can just help someone else deal and move on without giving up, that always helps me keep going. In helping others, I shift my focus from myself, thereby maintaining functionality and usefulness while God simultaneously sorts through the mess I’ve made of my own existence in an effort to steer me back in the right direction…that is if I actually use my free will to choose to listen to the still small voice that cries out in the depths of my soul. –Kim Lovette
From your brief story, it seems clear you have lots of inner strength. You know how to take care of yourself, and how to seek the help of others to assist you when you need it. It seems that we sometimes fail to see where the window is opened, that doesn’t mean it isn’t open somewhere. Keep looking, keep believing in the beautiful person you are. Your inner strength and life energy speaks clearly above the adversity you have come through. Peace be with you in your path. –DSK
When Bad Things, Happen to Good People” by Harold S Kushner. That and some times life just sucks. I’m fifty-two and have a trio of marriages, a quartet of children. Sometimes it isn’t you that has the problem. Sometimes you are someone else’s lesson. Keep your chin up. Uou aren’t alone. One of your sisters –Kathy

  • Rose

    I believe that Kathy is correct. Unfortunately for you, some intangible “thing” may draw these souls to you. I also believe that you WILL find peace and appreciate it when you do! Keep doing what is right for you. 25 years ago, I found my soulmate after 2 bad marriages & didn’t care if I ever saw another man darken my door. I’ve always felt that he is my reward! You have my admiration and my support.

  • jane

    I have similiar life as you. fell in love in high school lasted 4 yrs and got dumped then when i moved away and got job. he comes back into my life and leaves again. I finally got married to someone else was going great for 10 yrs. had 4 beautiful children. moved out west with job change and he left for girl at work. I got divorced and moved back east with 4 children under age 12. Got a job and kept going on my own had a several relationships that lasted maybe a year they all left for someone else. continued for 25 yrs on my own. raised all the kids and now im a Grandma. retired from job and staying home alone now. Im proud of all the kids but still lonely. I hope this is where I am meant to be in my life. Taking care of number one,.

  • Nikki

    While I share some of your experiences, my past is different in that I never married any of the men who were not good enough for me. Trust me, I wanted to be married w/children badly. After growing up with a single mother, who eventually found the right guy and had a wonderfully happy and long marriage,I knew enough about what an ideal relationship looked like to see that my relationships were not “ideal.”
    I was on a path that continually led me to the wrong places. It was not until I decided to sit down in the fork of the road, so to speak, that I was able to look back and evaluate what I’d learned thus far. I knew a lot about the qualities I DID NOT want in a boyfriend or a husband. I also knew the qualities I DID want. When I stopped actively looking for a soul mate and fired myself as a matchmaker, I found that I was okay alone. After all, being an only child, I should be used to it. HAH!
    All this to say that after I was no longer looking I met the perfect man, for me. I actually met him twice. Only I don’t really remember the first time (during a hazardous time). I’m really happy he did. He came looking for me!!!! He is such a blessing.
    Without my knowing it, God was working in my life for my betterment. It wasn’t until I got out of His way that His works could rise to the top and I could become the woman He created me to be. I am still a work in progress.
    I hope you’ll “sit down” and get out of His way so that He can show you how He is working in your life. Behind the scenes, if you will. You’ll be amazed at the results. God bless you. Nikki

  • Jasmin Gonzalez

    I must say every word spoken here on this topic has alot of meaning and truth that we find within ourselves to let out and expose ourselves to self help by listening to others on the same scenerio. It tells us we are not the chosen but similiar in so much of what we have been through. Me myself I have been through rough times with meeting the wrong kind of men in my life but I finally met the man of my dreams that is having a rough road. Sometimes you just have to believe in yourself and say everything will be alright and your life will change for the better maybe not now but it will come. Please be patient and don’t lose the faith for the steps will get shorter and the distance will deminish with a life of bliss. Jasmin

  • kelly m

    After reading all the other entries, I would just like to add that there are so many other enjoyments of the spirit and through this life that I don’t have time worrying about being lonely. I tell my creator or higher power when I am lonely and then I can think of a hundred reasons why friendship will do just fine until someone extremely interesting happens along.

  • Betty

    I always fall for the wrong guys and they all dumped me. That was bad for my self esteem and self image, finally I stopped looking and focus on myself. I did what I like to do, what I enjoy doing. I took care of myself and nobody else. I even wrote a list of the qualities I was looking for in a man. I should have written “good in-laws who like me and accept me”, because he has all the qualities I wanted, his only defect is his parents, who dislike me and don’t accept me.
    So, my advice would be, take care of yourself, take care of your kid. God has the right person for you, if it’s HIS will for you to be with another man. Perhaps you should put your life “on hold” until your son is an adult and then start dating again.
    Don’t just settle with the first one who stops by! Be picky, you deserve it!
    You live just once, so you have to expect the best!

  • Sonia

    Tears came to my eyes reading various comments as they attempt to console. I too am an older woman, almost 50 year old, who has made several not so good choices in life. Unlike you, however, I never married nor wanted to marry in my younger days, being influence by the bad marriages of my parents and relatives. As a good Christian woman, I also never sought to commit any wrong doing of a sexual nature, so I remained celibate. All of a sudden in my late thirties up until now, I am in a hasty quest to get married and have a child…bad mistake. To my surprise, there seem to be less availability of the “better” men, or I seem to be encountering or choosing the wrong types of men. In my old age, I am getting slapped in the face (figuratively) by these wrong types of men. The dating game is a tricking business, especially when you are a rooky in your old age. My bad choices are sadly being realized at this age of my life, when I don’t have much room for mistakes.
    I think the problem was that I got tired of waiting for my God to find me a good husband, and I decided to go out there on my own, and at a great cost. I remember during my younger life, I used to wait on my God; I used to endure, resulting in better piece of mind. Now rushing ahead to do things without his help has caused grief, nightmares, heartaches, and headaches. Therefore, I have to once again learn how to allow God to exercise his power in my life. We are God’s children too, and like He cares for the small Sparrow, He will take care of us if we let Him.

  • Sylvia

    These comments are ever remindful that God is THERE – if we but get to our knees and TRULY seek HIM. Scripture has our answers – HIS love needs to no proof. But..What happens when the spirit is willing but the flesh is not? What happens when there is NO confidence except in relenting to the notion that everyone else has the answers (and correct interpretations/translations) – and how foolish you are for NOT caring enough about yourself? In perfect altruism, there is no virtue in any selfish act. But, WE do matter to God – he does care …right? Dicotomy oh dichotomy. Anyway, happy for you, Honest!

  • L Brewer

    We all at sometimes during our lifetime suffer loss. I feel for this dear lady. I pray that she will seek the understanding that God alone does provide. He says we have not because we ask not. We have to seek His will. Then and only then can we become a happy person within the realm of things. God Bless.

  • Julie Fisher

    I feel you in the same position. I went through way worse then you even now I’m a single mother of two little ones and suffer from severe back arthritis and I’m only 27. I just remember the saying God only gives you want you can handle. I just think think sometimes he thinks I’m stronger than what I feel inside. My stepmoms words inspired me everyday I had someone to turn through with my sorrows but she passed away about a year ago from colon cancer. I too go through all the meds because I suffer from depression and get really bad panic attacks. I do feel alone at times with my problems because my kids are there to listen but too young to know. I learned you just love yourself unconditionally and learn to have friends for support. But no one comes between you and the lord. You don’t need no man to show you the love. Sometimes just remembering to look in the mirror and tell yourself you love you. You see the true beauty from within and your personality shines. You have your child there by yourside and that is the greatest love on the earth that you have to cherish everyday. Even though the loneliness is there and you will still cry it is always good to keep a journal so you don’t keep everything bottled up.

  • L Brewer

    You have to deal with problems of life and not let them get you down. Easy said you may say. Well my wife of 39 years passed almost 10 months ago. Left alone after that, my children all lived out of state and many miles from me. So it was up to me to deal with my problems. Of course they were only a phone call away. Being alone is never an easy thing. I do depend on my faith in God. He says he will never forsake nor leave us. Lord I pray for the many that are hurting in this world especially J.Fisher and Sonia. Be real to them and supply their every need in Jesus name amen.

  • ann gladen

    i too after 32yrsofmarriageam a widow. i have prayed fora guy but theydont wont to serve God im a young74 i takenomeds i exercise i walk in divine health i walk andtalk with godhe rules mylife i make no decision without asking him first.myhusband died of cancer of the brain.he saysif you believe youwill receive.Godhasput me in a electricco god has blessedme.i livein texas. ialso do shopping for merchants.i haveturned everything over togod if god be for you who will be against you.

  • Pam

    I am in the same dark place in my life. I built my world around a man that asked me to marry him…..this after having a failed marriage and being a widow (at 30 yrs)….I love him so much …. I was so distraught I lost my job of 4 years…..he kicked me out of his house with no where to go……I am getting back up…..very slowly…..I pray several times a day…..I will pray for you also.

  • yolanda

    I am blessed with all the comments. The comments have helped me in my trials too. As was written before, chin up and trust God while you are in the fire.

  • RoseMary

    I realize when you pray and ask god .. you just have to be patience and wait.God will send your blessings in the right time.some prayers are answer soon and some you just have to wait til he see fit to bring whatever you need in your life.God has answer many of my prays.I am single 55 yrs old and never been married, I prayed and asked God to send my soulmate it been several years, but I know whatever you need god will make a way.

  • zena

    Hello, I wanted to let you know thaqt I had the same problem. I would like to say do NOT go and look for it, it im may be the wrong one and may lead you into what happened to me. I met this wongerful man after I had a motorcycle accident and we talked for about a year on the phone and on the computer. I checked almost everything out about him …long story short i married him and found out he was very sick and like to expose him self to children well I tryed to help him we moved out of state well he shot him self in the stomach with a shot gun.. then was mad at me and told the emt that I DID IT… 11mo later tnks to the good Lord he is alive and told the truth and I divorced him… now I am with a 49 yr old man and I sold my house not only to be with him but i couldnot live in it and 8 months later i rolled my van off of an over pass onto the freeway upside down and I am I think an angel I am the BIGGEST lover and ….well I broke my back had 8 screws 2 rods 10 days later and i had 1 seizure and broke 2 titanium screws in my back at the lower spine L4, S1 so feb 23rd had surgery again.. but the man I am with now is sick too I find out 1 yr later .gambeling problem.. please look into there back ground and make sure he is not going to supprise u with anything.He is out there the man up stairs will bring you too together, I am still waiting and now trying to help the man I love now. Always know yourself.. Love ,honor, and respect your self and figure out what and where u want to go and to have. Always leard to listen. BECAUSE oppertunity knocks softly. Also always find courage, the courage to complete what you start,you have to confront the weaknesses and the other things in your life, respect all your self and start a fresh, love your self completely so when he and you find one another you can be a fresh possitive , outgoing,honest, self starter,with the love and respect all good men want. Oh Ya.. If he cant wait till your ready to do the naughty then he is no good. All good men will wait till your ready and will respect you and trust you in the long run. I am writing a book about Love and Relationships and what you need in your self to love you and to love another for eternity. I will Pray for you that God send you Mr. Right .. but only when it is the right time … God Bless
    Heather “zena”

  • zena

    I want to just add to the last letter as I was on my laptop and It skipps for some odd reason and I deeply appologise. If you need a friend or anyone needs a positive some one to talk to you may email me at my name is Heather and I could and would love to have you as a friend. Hope he comes one day and swoops you off your feet,.. just be ready for it . God Bless.



  • lloyd

    Sorry for all the problems. There does seem to be so many. It seems that so many of our problems are caused by us failing to wait on the prayers that we offer to our Lord. We say,”help me Lord”, and then seek to go on about our own ways about doing things without waiting for His answer. God answers all prayers in His own time. Bless you all.



  • Deborah

    I love all these positive comments. I too went thru a divorce in 2002.And my kids and I are just now coming out of it. Hindsight is 20/20.Now I can look back at how the enemy tried to destroy us not only as a family but as individuals.But now I look back and see the precious HAND OF GOD always being there for us.Life is a journey.But a good journey if you know Jesus Christ as your Saviour.Hold on it does get better and better.

  • Cristy

    In my past I was always picking the wrong kind of man for me. I realized that in fact was my fault. I was rushing into relationships with out totally knowing the person. I think we sometimes have to take a time out for ourself and find that we can be happy on our on. Until we are truely happy with ourself we are not going to find someone else to be happy with.
    Sometimes we have to make ourself slow down in this fast paced world

  • Karen

    it is good to know that many people still can think positive and be caring and compassionate….life is hard, no one said it would be easy….but as a person who has been through a recent divorce myself…it ain’t no bowl of cherries, but i do agree that we have to take care of ourselves first and foremost and our children of course, but i still wonder why we feel we have to have that significant other in our lives…….i have decided to concentrate on being the best mom I can be and enjoy my life, waiting for someone else to make me happy is just wasting opportunities….i pray that god will take care and watch over us….sometimes prayer is all we have, but that is enough….god bless.

  • LB

    Well reading these comments does make a person come to realize how blessed they are to have been married and stayed that way until realeased by as the vows stated death do us part. I pray that if God sees fit for me to find someone else, I will be able to help make that person as happy as my late wife and I were for almost forty years. God bless.

  • Lloyd

    I finally went out with a lady for lunch almost 11 months after my wife passed. It has been very difficult but God has seen me through. Maybe we will get together again.I hope we do but if not, at least I know how it feels to get out and be with someone and yes it felt nice!!

  • lisa jones

    don’t beat up on yourself.I remember the times in my life when i was going through my own hell on earth,everytime I said I would never let a man hurt me ,or take advantage of me thats exactly what happened time after time ,and I cursed god for it because I thought I was a bad person too ,and the same god that I cured is the same god that I had to turn to for help ,and help he did indeed come through for me .He told me to change my ways and in changing my ways I had to change the way I was thinking and feeling ,only when I closed the door on my old way of thinking did a new me start to emerge and my life started to change and it did change for the better.For every step you take God takes two .remember your lessons are your blessings indesguise.

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