Seven Ways to Get Over an Infatuation By Therese Borchard l Tips to Getting Over a Crush

Distinguish Infatuation From Love

Distinguishing infatuation from love is the first step, according to psychotherapist Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT of Larkspur, California and creator of LoveAndLifeToolbox.com. “Begin by educating yourself about healthy love and connection which is usually demonstrated by emotional safety, a balance in the ‘you, me and we’ of the relationship and seeing the other as a flawed human being who is capable of disappointing (but hopefully willing to repair a relationship rupture if it occurs).” American author Judith Viorst distinguished love from infatuation in this way, “Infatuation is when you think that he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Conners, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger, and nothing like Robert Redford but you'll take him anyway.”

Acknowledge the Drug

Dopamine, the natural stimulant responsible for the infatuation high, can change the wiring in your brain the same way as the rush of cocaine. The ventral tegmental area in your brain is a clump of cells that makes dopamine, sending it out to various brain regions, activating pleasure centers, and stimulating the production of adrenaline. The same region is affected with cocaine. Psychiatrist and best-selling author Gordon Livingston says, “When we are offered the ecstasy provided by cocaine or heroin, will decline because we have observed the drawbacks of addiction. But addiction to love has such a good reputation that it appears safe.” Acknowledging that your intense desire might have more to do with a dopamine rush than the person itself can give you a much needed reality check.

Know Your Vulnerabilities

Not to sound like an annoying self-help guru, but infatuations are often about old wounds that haven’t healed completely: the father that rejected you, the alcoholic mother, the older brother who made you watch his favorite episodes of Full House. In his best-selling classic Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix distinguishes between our old or “reptilian” brain that is weighted down with unconscious baggage from our pasts and reacts automatically in fear. Our new brain - the “analytical, probing, questioning part of your mind that you think of as being ‘you.’” Harville theroizes that when we get sucked into intense and damaging emotional relationships our old brain is holding the helm. It wants to recreate the pain of our past in order to heal the wounds. “Be curious about your emotional and relationship vulnerabilities that might encourage the setup of infatuation of another. Do you have relationship wounds that play out in creating a fantasy partner?,” said Kift.

Remember Past Infatuations

Do you remember the last time you lost your head over a stupid infatuation and had some substantial clean up afterwards? Andrew Davidson, a relationship therapist in the UK, has helped a number of men, women and children break loose from the bonds of infatuation. “As a counselor, it's certainly a very interesting and challenging issue, and not always straightforward,” he told me. “It's also quite sad that once the infatuation is over, the individual then looks back on what they've been like and start to feel the loss, shame and regret of their actions. This is when they can start to look at putting their life back together.” A good exercise to prevent that loss, shame and regret is to recall your infatuation history and learn from its wreckage.