I met Lindsay when she was 28 years old and in crisis. We both worked for the same software consulting firm; we designed marketing databases for sales teams. Lindsay and I spent long days together, huddled in a client’s conference room, figuring out how to turn a 3.5 floppy disc into a sales machine that would sell more steel springs or more insurance policies.

You know how it is with work buddies— you get to know each other real well. Lindsay had a plan. She wanted to be married by the time she turned thirty.

Her live-in boyfriend of seven years was not co-operating. She gave him advice, or rather, an ultimatum: “Put a ring on my finger and set a wedding date by May 1^st or I’m moving out.” He didn’t and she did.

Bravo! It doesn’t take much to issue an ultimatum, but it takes incredible strength to follow through. I know, like I said, I was there. Fast forward twelve months. Lindsay met the man of her dreams, had a ring on her finger, and a wedding date set. She’s never been happier and never looked back.

I am thinking of the ultimatum as I watch another former work colleague struggle in a bad marriage.  They’ve been married four years, two of the worst years of her life. It’s obvious to her and everyone else that she’d be better off without him. Yet, she can’t pull the trigger. She gives him ultimatum after ultimatum: Change or else. I think she’s being unfair. He has said, in more ways than one— NO. It’s time to follow through. It’s time she gave herself an ultimatum: “Take the ring off my finger and set a date… to move out.”

Marriage and the end of marriage are very big deals. Sometimes there are obstacles that make it impossible to move ahead in the same direction you set out. To my sisters in struggle, I say: Fight no more. Be strong. You are not alone, you will not be alone. You are surrounded by friends, family, and the ultimate help-mate, God.

Her marriage is breaking up
and I want to help.
Yet I wilt when I think
how soon the phone will ring again,
pouring her sorrow over my soul.
I cannot give the answer
she wants the most.
I don't know if she will keep him.
I don't know if she should keep him.

Show me the path
that will bring her peace.
Please help me find the words
that reflect Your truth and Your love.
Give me the answers that
will soothe both our souls.
With You, I have wisdom
I cannot find alone.

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