God's Funny Diet Tips

God vs Satan

And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them". And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.

And God said "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits and shredded cheese. And Woman gained pounds.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And Satan created insurance premiums, deductibles, and co-pays.

Give Me a Sign

There was a lady who had a favorite donut shop she would frequent every day.

When it came to the point where even the Big and Tall shops didn't have a pair of pants with a waist-size that went quite that high, she vowed, "No more donut shop." She told the proprietor, "That's it, you won't be seeing me anymore."

After a few days, she said to herself, "You know, maybe I was a bit too hasty there, who says that this is really what God would want me to do?"

So she worked out a signal with God; if she pulls up to the donut shop and there's a parking space right there for her, that's a sign from heaven that it's okay for her to keep eating those donuts and that no harm would come to her as a result.

The next day, the lady is right back there in front of the counter pointing out that special treat with her name on it. The proprietor says, "Hey, I thought you said you weren't coming back anymore?" So she explained, "Well, you know I worked out a signal with God. If I'd find a parking space, no harm, it's all fine."

"So you mean you found a space, huh?"

"Oh yeah! After driving around the block 16 times, I found a space!"