Memo to Gephardt

A parody adapted from The Washington Monthly

To: Dick Gephardt
From: Tucker Carter, political consultant
Re: Becoming More Jewish

Dick, the recent revelations that most of the potential Democratic candidates have Jewish roots requires us to take swift action. Just to review the news. Howard Dean's wife and kids are Jewish, Hillary Clinton's grandmother married someone named Max Rosenberg, John Kerry's paternal grandparents were Jewish (Kerry was originally Kohn) and, most amazing, General Wesley Clark--a Southern Baptist-turned-Catholic from Arkansas!--had a Jewish father.

Call me paranoid, but I suspect these candidates saw how well the Jewish thing was working for Joe Lieberman and did some creative genealogy to come up with Jewish roots. I know for a fact that Kerry's polling had revealed a 6% lift in his favorables when voters were asked, "How would you feel if it turned out that Senator Kerry had Jewish roots." This polled much higher than when they asked about Hinduism or Baha'i.

My polling shows a similar pattern. Apparently while being Jewish used to be associated with greed, disloyalty and pushiness, it now is associated with good SATs, strong families, sober facial expressions.

I'm concerned that you're being out-flanked on the Jewish roots issue, and we need to take quick action. Unfortunately, we're too late to simply find some Jewish ancestors. At this point, it would seem contrived and lead to "Jew-come-lately" accusations. Also, you're so, well, Aryan looking, that it might not seem plausible. We're going to have to devise ways for you to seem Jewish despite the baggage of having all gentile ancestors.

A few ideas:

1) Announce you are Lactose Intolerant. Most candidates have some medical problem. They're good politically (as long as its not mental or sexual) as they provide a way that ordinary American can relate. If the ailment is Lactose intolerance, a common affliction of European Jews, you can imply that you have Jewish roots without actually having to prove it. You'll need to make it clear that this intolerance applies only lactose, not any ethnic or racial groups.

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