10 Signs that Your Marriage is in Trouble

Tell the Truth About Your Relationship

Are you in a bad marriage? Moving on may be better than living a bitter life.

By Lawrence Birnbach, Ph.D. and Beverly Hyman, Ph.D.

At one time or another almost everyone has had doubts about their marriage. You may be passing through a difficult time with your spouse, and you have fears whether your marriage can continue to work, or even survive. In our current tough economic times, stresses on families are greater than ever and marital problems are even more common. There are more arguments over finances, parenting, and relationships with extended family, as well as worries about alcohol and drug use.

You have to learn the difference between a bump in the road and being stuck in a seriously damaged marriage. Here are the 10 crucial things you need to assess to know if it is time to move on, and tips to help you if you want to try to save your marriage. If even one or more of these things is happening in your marriage, you need to take a closer look.

Here are the 10 steps and some tips on how to make practical use of them in your relationship.

Lawrence Birnbach, Ph.D. and Beverly Hyman, Ph.D. are authors of How to Know If It's Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test for Your Marriage (Sterling, March 2010).

How Unhappy Are You?

A lot of people feel very guilty when they feel dissatisfied with their marriage. They blame themselves for their unhappiness and wonder if they suffer from unrealistic expectations. You need to recognize the real signs that a marriage is genuinely unhappy and not just going through a rough patch. A few examples of the many indications of trouble are:

Major disagreements between the two of you rarely get resolved, so you keep going around and around on the same issues.

-You each have lost compassion or understanding for the other's point of view.

-One or both of you stop making efforts to please the other.

-Intimacy between the two of you has dwindled to little or nothing.

-Resentment builds because one partner always has to have his or her way.

Tip: If you are reading this and are unsure if it applies to you, it probably does. These are the ways people act toward each other in struggling marriages. Don’t delay. Talk to your spouse. Tell him or her that you are wrestling with these issues, and that you want to go together to talk to a sympathetic clergyman or a counselor who is trained to help in this area. If your spouse won’t go, seeking counseling on your own will help.

Are You Struggling to Be a Good Parent?

Unfortunately when a couple disagrees with one another constantly, the children feel the stress of their parents’ differences and suffer as a result. This is true even if the disagreements are not loud or angry, but involve alienation and disrespect. Parents in these situations may become polarized: as one becomes stricter the other becomes more lenient. They can become competitive for their children’s affection. One parent can become over-dependent on the children to try to make up for the affection and companionship they aren’t getting from their mate. A parent may become overly controlling or inconsistent in dealing with the children. Sometimes in a faltering marriage one parent becomes overly involved in their work or career and more or less drops out of the family. Being a great provider is not the same as being a great parent or a great mate.

Tip: Just because you don’t argue in front of your children, don’t assume they don’t feel the effects of the tension and alienation between you. Children sense everything that goes on in their household.

Is Your Relationship Damaging Your Children?

There are so many ways children from unhappy families reflect their parents’ problems that we can’t list them all here.

-Most common among young children are sleep problems, crying and tantrums, and clinginess.

-Five- to ten-year-olds can also be clingy, have trouble getting along with other children, act like bullies, or let themselves be bullied, or may do poorly in school.

-Adolescents from families in which their parents’ tensions are not settled have frequent academic and behavioral school problems, and they are more vulnerable to drug and alcohol use and premature sexual activity.

Low self-esteem, poor performance in school, and behavioral issues may be present for kids of any age when their parents’ marriage is struggling.

Tip: Is your child misbehaving? Ask yourself how your parenting and your spouse’s may be faltering because of the issues between the two of you--and whether this may be contributing to your child’s problems. Children learn what they live.

Are Your Sex Life and Intimacy Nonexistent?

The comfort of marital sex and affection can be the glue that holds a marriage together, even in difficult times. Physical and emotional intimacy in a marriage is a barometer of what’s going on in the relationship. The majority of sexual problems or lack of affection are the result of too great an emotional distance and unresolved issues between a couple. While each couple has its own comfort level of intimacy and affection, there are wide variations. In happy marriages both people feel the level of intimacy works for each of them.

Tip: A good rule to live by, if you want to have a happy marriage, is to develop the habit of saying “yes” more often to your partner than you say “no.” Saying yes to your partner applies to every area of your marriage--genuinely listening to your partner’s interests or concerns, as well as responding with “yes” to your mate’s need for physical contact and/or verbal affection.

Is Upheaval in Your Home Affecting Your Health?

Marital stress can impact the whole family’s physical and mental health. The list of illnesses associated with unhappy marriages is long. Just a few are: high blood pressure, ulcers, asthma, periodontal disease, frequent colds and flus, obesity, back problems, headaches, allergies, depression, irritability, and sleep problems. Children are as much victims of this as adults.

Tip: If anyone in your family suffers from persistent stress-related ailments, try to recall when these symptoms first started. It is possible that they are related to unresolved issues between you and your mate. For many people the connection between mind and body is powerful. Try talking to your mate about your health concerns. If your mate is unresponsive, you might talk to a professional counselor.

What Are Your Fears About Separation and Divorce?

There are many myths about what happens to people if they separate and divorce. Here are a few.

-Some people fear that they’ll be alone forever. In actuality, 75% of women and 83% of men remarry within a few years of a divorce.

-Some people fear that family, friends, and their religious community will reject them. In fact, family is usually supportive. Sometimes friends take sides. Most clergy are extremely sympathetic and helpful.

-Some people fear that they’ll divorce and remarry, and make the same mistake again. This doesn’t have to happen. You can protect yourself against this by understanding what changes you are prepared to make to do it differently the second time around.

Tip: Even though it is natural to want to blame your partner, try to understand what you have done to contribute to your marital problems. This will be your best insurance to save your present marriage, or make a better second one. Most marriage counselors agree that problems in a marriage are usually contributed to by both partners.

What Do I Fear Will Happen to My Children if I Divorce?

You may be worried that if you separate, your children will pay the biggest price. In reality, children in unhappy intact families are more likely to have school and behavior problems than children in stable, divorced family situations after a year or two transition period. You’ll be glad to know that the vast majority of divorces are settled amicably, and 9 out of 10 fathers pay child support regularly and continue to live nearby.

Tip: Keep in mind that children’s self-esteem and well-being depend on two important factors.

-Children need a strong and loving relationship with at least one parent.

-Children need to live in a home where there is not a lot of conflict.

Children’s self-esteem and well-being are not dependent on whether or not they see both of their parents every day, or if their parents are separated or divorced. Regular visitation is important.

Know When It’s Time to Leave

Not all relationships can be saved or are meant to be saved. If you have tried everything to save your marriage and nothing has worked, it is probably time to leave. Most people who have divorced say they should have left sooner. They say they spent too many years in a hopeless situation. If that’s you, you need a plan.

Tip: Impulsively leaving without exhausting every possibility for saving your marriage, or leaving without planning ahead are classic cases of “act in haste, repent at leisure.”

We suggest five goals for your plan.

-Be decisive; get it over with, even though mixed feelings are almost inevitable.

-Minimize conflict between you and your spouse.

-Protect your financial interests.

-Protect your children’s well-being.

-Develop a support system among family, friends, and community.

This is a new beginning, a new chapter. For the vast majority of people, after an adjustment period, they and their children are much better off--and they feel it.