The Road Map to
Family Peace

I have not had contact with my grown son for over 2 years. He doesn't respond to attempts at contact via cards, presents, calls or emails. So I haven't tried contacting him for the past 6 months. Although I am deeply hurt, I am more concerned for his pain.

My daughter reports he is very angry, and recently missed his half brother's high school graduation, which upset everyone. He was raised by me from a baby of 18 months, his father re-entered his lives when he was a teen (we had divorced in 1975). When my son was grown, he relocated to the east coast to be closer to his father and get to know him.

How can I soothe my son's pain while showing respect for his feelings? I'd like to save (what I can of) the relationship, but the longer we stay out of contact, the harder that will be, I fear. I love him no matter what, and I hate to see my kid in pain. He wants no contact, and thinks he is healthier if he stays away from me. I am very sad when I think of him still suffering from divorce at age 34. Is there something I can do to help him? I don't have anybody to talk to as my current husband has no children and doesn't understand.

I'm at a loss for what to do.

--Dumped Mom

Let me first say that there is no such thing as a dumped mom. Kids need their parents, and want their parents in their lives, even if they are angry, and even if they are not completely conscious of it. Parents are not luxuries, they are necessities. It is our parents who give us self-confidence and self-esteem when we're young by making us feel intrinsically and unconditionally valuable. Without our parents' love, we are reduced to finding conditional love from friends and associates, people who will love us not for who we are but rather what we do, not for our person but rather for our virtue.

This is not only true when we're young, it's true when we grow up as well. We always need our parents support, approval, and love. And we seek it always, at every stage of life. We want our parents to be proud of us, to embrace us, and to love us. And we forfeit that love only at great cost to ourselves.

Continued on page 2: Unearthing the lost love »