Marriage As 'Miracle'
Sarah Zacharias Davis explains why Christian marriage is so sacred, even when a couple's expectations aren't always met.
BY: Interview by Holly Lebowitz Rossi
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What do you think is the most pleasant surprise newlyweds discover about marriage?
I think that all of the women I've talked to for the book talked about their expectations, and probably the most pleasant surprise was the companionship, that it continues to get better. Some had only been [married] a few years and others had been 25 years. But seeing that initial companionship, knowing that person is there and they had your back, and then seeing how that evolved and grew -- the security of that -- was a pleasant surprise.
What about the most common newlywed disappointment?
Again, I think it went back to expectations. Realizing that you're two different people, and seeing those differences in a more vivid way than when they were dating. Also, several of the women did talk about their physical intimacy with their husbands being a surprise—in different ways. It wasn't the same way. Some of them talked about different sex drives, and different expectations of how that part of the relationship was going to work. That came up repeatedly.
Do you think most newlyweds put too much emphasis on the sexual aspects of marriage, particularly those who saved themselves for marriage?
I do think so, actually, both from my own experience and talking with so many women. The majority of the women I talked to were raised in an environment where they did save themselves for marriage, and there was a very high expectation put on there. And part of it was the unknown. But especially leading up to the wedding, it was an all-consuming thing. Some of the women talked about how they didn't talk about some other aspects of their relationships much in preparing for marriage, because they had tunnel vision, I guess.
|Saving Herself for Marriage|
Yeah, I was raised that way, and I did save myself for marriage. Of course there's a lot of support for that in the church, and that's what we were taught is the right way and the way that was honoring to God. There was a lot of buildup to the reward for waiting, and so there was an expectation of instantly realizing that reward. The truth is that like much of marriage, that's something that comes over time—you come together over time, and the more you learn about each other, for many people, the better that gets. But that wasn't part of the expectation. One woman talked about how she'd even heard it was going to be the best night of her life, and expecting that after being all day at the wedding, and getting up so early, being with people all day. Then she expected that they were going to come back to the hotel and it was going to be the best night of her life. And it was that disappointment.
Why do you think people should remain virgins until they get married? One could say, if you'd gotten that out of the way during the engagement, that wedding night pressure wouldn't be there.
I think the reason why you should wait is that if you are a Christian, I think that's what the Bible teaches. But that doesn't mean it's going to be perfect or the best night of your life. There were other women who hadn't waited, and there were issues there too. It doesn't solve every problem. Either way, sex is a large part of marriage, but it's not the only part. Keeping that proper perspective of it is what is important, but I think in order to do that, people have to be honest about it. I think the reason that you wait is really obedience and wanting to honor God with the choices that you make, and with your body, and not because everything is then going to be perfect.
What do you feel is the most important aspect of marriage?
It's really difficult to choose one aspect…but my personal opinion is that that true partnership and support of each other's lives, and trying to know the soul of that person and also to support the person that God made them to be, and to live fully into their potential. That's a very important aspect of marriage, and for me, the most important.