Grudges Are a Horror for Your Soul

'The Grudge' is a scary movie, but real grudges--from the personal to the political--can be much more destructive.

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We all have battle stories. There is not a soul alive who hasn't been hurt and retaliated by nursing a grudge. A study by the University of Michigan found that 48 percent of us admit to holding grudges, and that probably the actual figure is much higher than that. Do you hold grudges? How easily do you forgive? When you are hurt, what does it take from the other person before you are willing to reconcile? Do you build a barrier of silence or withdrawal?

A grudge is actually a technique we use to gain control over someone who has wronged us. On a personal level, it's a way of demanding that they earn their way back into our lives and guarantee that "it" won't happen again. It's a way (but not the best way) of protecting ourselves from being hurt. At the political level, it is a type of constant campaigning, in which the person who holds the grudge can pull out an "I told you so" whenever a negative political situation arises from the opposing side.

But holding a grudge, whether for political, personal, or even frivolous reasons like sports rivalries, is hazardous to your health. Dr. Phil McGraw quotes studies that show grudges increase stress, raise blood pressure, help develop ulcers, and produce a multitude of other side effects. It doesn't take a medical researcher to convince us that a grudge can ruin our health and shorten our life. We all know the lousy way we feel when we are angry with another person.

But when we treasure our grudges like misers, we are insisting on our right to continue to be miserable. And that hatred destroys more than our health. It's no accident that every single great religious tradition has taught that forgiveness is the most important step on the path to true contentment.


When any type of grudge dredges up feelings from the past and attempts to take over your emotions, there are alternatives you can practice:

  • Remember you have a choice. You can brood over the past and get upset and angry, or you can let go of the painful thoughts. You wouldn't keep your hand on a hot stove. Why allow burning thoughts to stay in your mind?
  • Practice letting go of your anger. Physical activity can help. Take a walk, go to the gym, or change what you are doing to something else. Get up, move, and alter your environment. In the political scenario, try to channel your energy and idealism into a constructive task, like volunteering for a charity or non-profit organization.
  • Pray. Find help by connecting with God. But in your prayer don't rehash the details of how you have been hurt. God knows all the details, and going over them simply reinforces your pain. So just ask God to help you find release from the bitterness, move on to thank God for his blessings, and then pray for others.
  • Reach past your anger to reconnect. If your grudge has estranged you from someone in your life, ask yourself, "Is this relationship important to me?" If so, stop playing the blame game. Barbara LeBay, a former judge and author of "Family Estrangements," recommends calling to say you're sorry for having shut them out and that you want to reconnect. Or ask a friend or relative to act as an intermediary.
  • Take to heart Paul's instructions given in Ephesians 4:32, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other."
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    Rev. Dr. William Webber
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