Grudges Are a Horror for Your Soul

For the past two weeks, "The Grudge" has been the number one movie in America and has proclaimed itself "the scariest film of 2004." The movie, a remake of a popular Japanese film, is the story of a house with ferocious ghosts who seek revenge on all who enter. Japanese film director Takashi Shimizu is quoted as saying that Japanese ghosts are "very angry, very violent. You can't communicate with them like you can American ghosts."

The first words that appear on the screen make it clear that the grudge is "a curse that causes its victims to die in the grip of a terrible rage." Americans may be quite different from Japanese spirits, but it is scary what grudges can do to us, as individuals and as a community.

Consider the post-election situation. Differences of opinion are good if they are honestly faced, but as this election year played out, we saw an increase of anger between political parties and candidates that trickled down to the electorate. Now that the election is over, a common fear is that politicians may carry grudges that will hamper our democratic system.

On a personal level, we might be tempted to hold grudges against relatives, friends, and neighbors who voted differently from us, against American voters we don't even know personally, and against the candidates we opposed.

Overcoming all manner of grudges-both personal and political-will be a most important task for Americans this coming year.

For example, Jon, a passionate Kerry supporter, has argued for months with his parents, conservative Republicans who live in a battleground state and supported President Bush. Jon now feels angry with his parents for what he sees as their role in defeating Kerry. And he anticipates feeling waves of resentment whenever the Bush administration pursues a policy he disagrees with.

Grudges are even more common in our intimate lives. Susan, a mother of two, was dumbfounded when Brendan, her husband of twenty-six years, stood in the doorway of their family room and simply announced, "I'm leaving you. I'm filing for divorce. I'm in love with someone else."

Susan was devastated. She felt betrayed by Brendan. Overcome by humiliation, she avoided her friends, dropped out of her clubs and church, and spent her days and nights in solitary brooding. Time did not heal her wounds. Rather her resentment toward Brendan grew year after year, as she struggled to keep herself together.

We all have battle stories. There is not a soul alive who hasn't been hurt and retaliated by nursing a grudge. A study by the University of Michigan found that 48 percent of us admit to holding grudges, and that probably the actual figure is much higher than that. Do you hold grudges? How easily do you forgive? When you are hurt, what does it take from the other person before you are willing to reconcile? Do you build a barrier of silence or withdrawal?

A grudge is actually a technique we use to gain control over someone who has wronged us. On a personal level, it's a way of demanding that they earn their way back into our lives and guarantee that "it" won't happen again. It's a way (but not the best way) of protecting ourselves from being hurt. At the political level, it is a type of constant campaigning, in which the person who holds the grudge can pull out an "I told you so" whenever a negative political situation arises from the opposing side.

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