When Adult Children Move Back Home

'They're Back': 10 Tips for Parents of Boomerang Kids

By Susan Newman, Ph.D.

They're often known as “boomerang kids.” Your adult child is returning to live with you. How will that work out?

The most lasting connections any of us have are between parents and children. When your grown children return to live with you for economic or other reasons, issues ranging from money matters to personal boundaries can get complicated. But they don’t have to be. These 10 suggestions will not only help you make sharing a home with your grown children harmonious, but also go a long way in strengthening those irreplaceable bonds.

Read the first tip for parents and adult children living under one roof.

Social psychologist Susan Newman, Ph.D., is the author of Under One Roof Again: All Grown Up and (Re)learning to Live Together Happily (Lyons Press), The Book of NO(McGraw-Hill), Parenting an Only Child (Broadway/Doubleday), and other books. Her blog appears on Psychology Today.

Change Your Thinking About Living Together

If it’s time for your adult child to move in, it’s time to move on. Let go of old hurts and grudges, so you can begin life afresh. Focus on the positives about the people you live with rather than what you see as negative. If your daughter is prone to leaving dirty dishes around the house or your son allows laundry to pile up until he has nothing to wear, gently remind your child that this is your home and you like it tidy. If that fails, remind yourself that your relationship is more important than used glasses or dirty clothing. Mother-child connections can easily be damaged by harping and criticism. Instead, think about how much fun it is to converse with your offspring as an adult or simply to have his or her company.

Sort Out Money Matters Early

Living with you solves many of your child’s financial problems. But it’s best to straighten out the details in the beginning and adjust them along the way so everyone feels the arrangement is fair. It may be that money isn’t paid in by your child; as long as you all agree, it shouldn’t be a problem. Misunderstandings begin and the warm feelings you have for each other get tarnished when one person feels cheated or used.

When the contribution can’t be actual dollars and cents, providing services is a valid way for grown children to contribute, and it helps you feel more positive about them. Don’t allow money to define or dominate the relationship. Separate money problems from other problems you may have with your son or daughter.

Embrace What Is

The adult child who left home four or more years ago is not the same person you knew then—your son or daughter may have different views, habits, friends, and ideas about how to live life. You may not like all the changes that have taken place, but be patient. Understand that there will be an adjustment period. It will work out if everyone agrees that living together is the best or most sensible arrangement for now.

Living together is an opportunity to know your offspring as an adult, to enjoy him or her, and share good times together. Your days of parenting are essentially over: no more order-giving and mommy-child disagreements. Before long, you will likely come to accept living under one roof again as the new reality and understand the incomparable benefits of pulling together as a family.