Have Less Sex! We live in a sexually charged society. Our culture is inundated with sex, sexuality, and sexual innuendo. This sexualization across all domains of our culture has presented unique challenges to marriages trying to thrive today. Sexual mores have changed, sexual expectations have intensified, and varied sexual experiences are more common. So what should be a couple’s attitude toward sex, qualitatively and quantitatively, coming into marriage? Some suggestions that I give almost every couple would include first of all, focus on quality not quantity. Don’t allow your physical relationship to be reduced to a “how many times…” mentality. Second, focus on your spouse’s needs, not your own. This needs to be done after you’ve healthily communicated what your personal needs are to your spouse, but then the focus is on the other person. Third, discipline your desires. Undisciplined desires lead to chaos and wasted effort. Physical intimacy needs to be surrounded by healthy boundaries, and self-denial for a period of time is an excellent discipline to learn. Fourth, keep your priorities straight: emotional and relational intimacy is the goal, not merely a mutually satisfying physical experience. And fifth, let me add that monogamy is mandatory. This is probably obvious to most, but monogamy is essential if one is to experience deep emotional intimacy with his or her spouse. I’m often surprised that spouses believe they can find true intimacy with someone other than their spouse. True intimacy is not attained when you have online affairs, are viewing pornography, or when you are in an extramarital relationship where your emotional and sexual energy are being focused. There is no way around this: monogamy is essential to intimacy. So my advice is to have less sex and have more intimacy.
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