10 Questions to Ask Before You Say “I Do”

Humble yourself ...

1. Can they handle conflict? Conflict is certain in marriage, but that’s not all negative. Learning to resolve conflict can have many positive benefits, provided you learn how to handle conflict in a healthy way. Healthy conflict gives birth to intimacy and understanding. Unhealthy conflict creates bitterness and resentment. “Two major red flags of unhealthy conflict management are stonewalling (the silent treatment) and any form of violence. If someone is a little too angry as a boyfriend/girlfriend, they will be much too angry as a spouse,” advises Gary Thomas, author of The Sacred Search. “Marriage typically increases conflict and the potential for anger.”

Humble yourself ...

2. Does he/she share your faith? The deeper you hold your faith, the more difficult it is to compromise on this, particularly if you decide to have children. So many couples have come back to me after they have children and ask, “What do we do now?” when trying to decide where to worship and even how to acknowledge the birth (Baptism? Dedication?) There’s no easy answer here. A common faith holds a family together, not just on a weekly basis, but on major holidays throughout the year—which means that every such occasion will remind you of your disconnect as a couple if you share a significantly different expression of faith that makes you want to be in two different houses of worship at any one time.

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4. Will they be a spectacular parent? You’re not just choosing your future husband or wife; you’re choosing your kids’ future dad or mom. It’s impossible for you to imagine how much you’ll love your children; they will pull emotions out of you that you didn’t even know you had. And on the day you bring them home, you’ll be so glad you picked someone who will be a fantastic parent, or you’ll grieve that they have to put up with someone who is neglectful or, even worse, abusive. “If you plan on having kids, your marriage isn’t just about you,” says Gary Thomas, author of The Sacred Search Couples Conversation Guide. “Your future spouse’s suitability as a parent is a major deal to consider.”

Humble yourself ...

5. Do they pray? The older we get, the more it seems we need to pray. Our circle of influence widens. People ask us to pray for them. The task of being married requires daily prayer—we pray about how to love each other, for the strength to serve unselfishly, and for wisdom for many decisions. Few couples married for several years have sex every day—but every thoughtful Christian will pray every day, so put “prayer aptitude” at least as high as sexual chemistry in your list of what matters in a potential spouse. Being married to an active pray-er is a true blessing. By the way, a quick test to know how often someone prays is simply listening to what they talk about. Do they ever share what God is challenging them with? If they’re not regularly talking about God, they’re not regularly talking to God. If he/she never shares anything about their devotional times, that’s a good sign that they don’t really have significant devotional times.

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7. Do they know how to communicate? Communication is essential to build new intimacy when infatuation fades (which it will). If you marry someone who is fearful of communication or unskilled at communication, your marriage will fall into an intimacy rut. Joshua Harris writes, “You can’t love what you don’t know. You can’t be truly loved if you’re not truly known. And the only way to know and be known by another person is to communicate—openly, honestly, sincerely, humbly.” Women, however much your boyfriend talks to you, imagine marriage will have 25% less talk. (I’m not suggesting it should be that way, just that it often is.) Will that be enough? If he’s already borderline in this area, you’re likely to become very frustrated after marriage.

Humble yourself ...

9. Are they a giver or a taker? The sad reality is, some people are givers and some people are takers. Givers don’t always mind being in a relationship with a taker because they like to give; it brings them joy. But marriage is a long journey and there will eventually be seasons when the giver needs to receive. In those instances, can your taker learn to give? In most cases, sadly, the answer is no. When a taker has to give, he feels sorry for himself even more than he feels empathy for you. “Ask yourself, when you spend time with your partner, do you feel drained or invigorated?” suggests Gary Thomas, author of The Sacred Search Study Resource DVD. “Would you describe the relationship as healing and supportive, or exhausting and combative?”