A Match Made in Heaven Starts With You

Excerpt from the book How To Have A Match Made In Heaven discusses how being kind to yourself will help you communicate and love your significant other.

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“I’d be willing to bet that you have a hard time forgiving yourself if you do the littlest thing that you think is either not nice or inappropriate,” suggested Shya. “You judge yourself if you do something that you think isn’t good enough, or if you make a ‘mistake.’”

Stefanie laughed in recognition as the sun fell on her hair, lighting it up like a halo. “Oh yes,” she admitted, “I’m very harsh with myself, even if I stumble on a stairway.”

As Stefanie mentioned stumbling, it triggered a memory of the first time we met her, a number of years ago, at one of our Hamburg workshops. In the building where we rented space, the entrances to the rooms were elevated by a few inches and Shya stumbled on one of them. Witnessing this, Stefanie had blurted out, “You can’t be that enlightened. You tripped!”


“Oh God,” Stefanie exclaimed, simultaneously laughing and wincing as she recalled the incident, too. Her comment still embarrassed her all of these years later.

“Stefanie, don’t feel badly about it,” said Ariel. “That isn’t an example of you being unkind or harsh to Shya. It’s really an example of how you talk to yourself.”

“Yes,” Shya continued, “in that moment, you simply treated me the way you treat yourself.”

“That’s true,” Stefanie said, her face softening. “I would have said that to myself, at least in my mind.”

“No,” Ariel said, “you would have been much harsher if you were talking to yourself.”

“Yes,” Stefanie agreed, “I would have called myself an idiot or something worse.”

“Okay,” Shya said, “just notice all the times you call yourself an ‘idiot’ and don’t make yourself wrong for it. Simply notice the mechanical nature of picking on yourself and see if you can notice it without making yourself wrong, because you can’t help but pick on yourself when you do. If you see it and don’t judge it as good or bad or right or wrong, that’s enough for it to complete itself in an instant,” he said, snapping his fingers. “It doesn’t take time. It happens in an instant. And then you get better at it. By the way, this is the Third Principle of Instantaneous Transformation.”

Stefanie had been listening to him with rapt attention, her mouth slightly open. “That’s wonderful,” she said, clearly delighted by the possibility, “because I often catch myself being harsh with myself and then I say, ‘You shouldn’t be so harsh with yourself!’” She was laughing now.

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