A Match Made in Heaven Starts With You

Excerpt from the book How To Have A Match Made In Heaven discusses how being kind to yourself will help you communicate and love your significant other.

BY: Ariel and Shya Kane


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As Stefanie mentioned stumbling, it triggered a memory of the first time we met her, a number of years ago, at one of our Hamburg workshops. In the building where we rented space, the entrances to the rooms were elevated by a few inches and Shya stumbled on one of them. Witnessing this, Stefanie had blurted out, “You can’t be that enlightened. You tripped!”

“Oh God,” Stefanie exclaimed, simultaneously laughing and wincing as she recalled the incident, too. Her comment still embarrassed her all of these years later.

“Stefanie, don’t feel badly about it,” said Ariel. “That isn’t an example of you being unkind or harsh to Shya. It’s really an example of how you talk to yourself.”

“Yes,” Shya continued, “in that moment, you simply treated me the way you treat yourself.”

“That’s true,” Stefanie said, her face softening. “I would have said that to myself, at least in my mind.”

“No,” Ariel said, “you would have been much harsher if you were talking to yourself.”

“Yes,” Stefanie agreed, “I would have called myself an idiot or something worse.”

“Okay,” Shya said, “just notice all the times you call yourself an ‘idiot’ and don’t make yourself wrong for it. Simply notice the mechanical nature of picking on yourself and see if you can notice it without making yourself wrong, because you can’t help but pick on yourself when you do. If you see it and don’t judge it as good or bad or right or wrong, that’s enough for it to complete itself in an instant,” he said, snapping his fingers. “It doesn’t take time. It happens in an instant. And then you get better at it. By the way, this is the Third Principle of Instantaneous Transformation.”

Stefanie had been listening to him with rapt attention, her mouth slightly open. “That’s wonderful,” she said, clearly delighted by the possibility, “because I often catch myself being harsh with myself and then I say, ‘You shouldn’t be so harsh with yourself!’” She was laughing now.

“But you see,” Shya said with a grin, “that’s the First Principle. If you disagree with something, it will stick around. Anything you resist, sticks around. So if you say ‘shouldn’t,’ that will keep it from disappearing.”

“You can either treat that harshness as a problem,” Ariel explained, “and say ‘Oh, I shouldn’t do that!’ or you can start recognizing when you’re harsh. Simply observe it or notice it. Then your inner commentary might shift to something like, ‘Huh, I’m upset. I didn’t catch something. Something happened that disturbed me and I didn’t see it.’ Because there are times when you’ll do the exact same thing but will have a completely different reaction to it. One time you’ll laugh and say, ‘Oops, I just tripped,’ but in another instance you’ll call yourself an idiot.

“When you’re being tough with yourself, chances are you’re already upset. Maybe there was something you forgot to say to somebody at work or perhaps you let something happen that didn’t feel right to you. Looking at how you talk to yourself can be an exciting adventure of possibilities, as opposed to one more thing to be hard on yourself about.”

“That’s wonderful,” Stefanie said softly. “It just gives me a feeling of relief and peace, because I’m not doing it wrong.”

“You can’t do it wrong!” we exclaimed in unison.

“You can only do it exactly as you’re doing it in the current moment of your life,” Shya said.

Ariel suddenly sang, “And that’s Transformation.”

“Thank you so much,” Stephanie said. Her face looked alive, the wind swept through her hair, and the feeling of relief and peace that she’d spoken of was visible in the softness of her face and the delight in her eyes. It was as though her whole body had let go of every harsh word she’d ever spoken or thought. Stefanie was suddenly feeling the true sweetness of her heart and the softness of life all around her. It happened in an instant. And that’s Transformation!


Since 1987, internationally acclaimed authors, seminar leaders, and business consultants Ariel and Shya Kane have taught individuals, couples and organizations across the globe how to live in the moment and unwire the knee-jerk behaviors that get in the way of living life with ease. Together for 30 years and counting, people still ask Ariel and Shya if they are on their honeymoon. How to Have A Match Made in Heaven: A Transformational Approach to Dating, Relating and Marriage is available everywhere books are sold. For more information about the book, the Kanes and their seminars, visit www.MatchMadeinHeavenBook.com.

For more information about the Kanes and their Transformational Community or to sign up to join their email newsletter, visit: www.TransformationMadeEasy.com.

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