A Match Made in Heaven Starts With You
Excerpt from the book How To Have A Match Made In Heaven discusses how being kind to yourself will help you communicate and love your significant other.
BY: Ariel and Shya Kane
In order to build a strong foundation for relationship, you must first investigate your relationship with yourself. If you are unkind to yourself, you will ultimately be unkind to anyone who forms a partnership with you. When you connect with another, he or she becomes an extension of you. Ultimately, you will pick on that person in the same manner that you pick on yourself. At first, you may only be critical of him or her in your thoughts. But soon, thoughts translate into attitudes, and attitudes dictate actions. Think back to disagreements you’ve had with others in your life. Haven’t the worst fights or meanest arguments happened with those you love?
If after reading this, you only had one benefit—being kind to yourself—we would consider it an overwhelming success.
That is because Heaven on Earth begins with you. If you are in turmoil inside, there will be no peace in your relationship.
In order to let go of repetitive, negative thoughts about yourself, it’s always a good idea to become aware of your inner commentary without judging what you discover. As you bring awareness to all that you say to yourself about yourself in the privacy of your thoughts, you will notice that your thoughts aren’t static. In other words, in certain types of situations, your thoughts will mechanically take a negative bent and during other situations, they won’t. If you start with the supposition that your thoughts are always negative or self-deprecating, then you won’t notice the nuances of your inner life and you won’t register the times when you are already being kind to yourself.
We invite you to listen in on a conversation we had with our friend and client, Stefanie, in a garden one sunny, breezy morning. It was a lovely spring day, the Monday following one of our weekend seminars.
KINDNESS BEGINS WITH YOU
Stefanie is a beautiful middle-aged woman with lustrous wavy white and grey hair that settles gently on her shoulders. As we began, she was quick to lay out what she thought was her problem.
“I realize that I hold grudges against people,” she said with a slightly distasteful look on her face. Holding grudges seemed to leave a bad taste in her mouth.
“I find it hard to forgive other people,” she went on, “if they’ve been unkind to me or if they’ve done something that I don’t like.”
“Well, it starts with you,” Ariel said.
For a moment, Stefanie looked a little thrown by Ariel’s comment. She seemed surprised.Perhaps she expected us to judge her for holding grudges as much as she judged herself. This wasn’t the tack she expected either of us to take.
“I’d be willing to bet that you have a hard time forgiving yourself if you do the littlest thing that you think is either not nice or inappropriate,” suggested Shya. “You judge yourself if you do something that you think isn’t good enough, or if you make a ‘mistake.’”
Stefanie laughed in recognition as the sun fell on her hair, lighting it up like a halo. “Oh yes,” she admitted, “I’m very harsh with myself, even if I stumble on a stairway.”