12 Depression Busters for Divorce

Find Emotional Peace After Divorce

Divorce is the second most stressful life event, preceded only by the death of a spouse. And what is that stress capable of? Expediting a severe bout of depression and anxiety to your limbic system (the brain's emotional center), if you're not careful. Acute and chronic stress undermine both emotional and physical health. In fact, a recent study published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior suggests that divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes, or cancer than married people.

Another study in Psychological Science claimed that a person's happiness level drops as she approaches divorce, although there is rebounding over time if the person works at it. That what these 12 tips are: suggestions for preventing the devastating depression that often accompanies divorce, and techniques that you can use to keep your happiness level steady or maybe even higher than it is today!

Therese J. Borchard writes the Beyond Blue blog on Beliefnet. Her new book, also called Beyond Blue, has just been published.

Plan, Plan, and Plan Some More

In her book Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again, psychotherapist Roberta Temes suggests a few activities that are therapeutic during bereavement (and divorce is a kind of bereavement). One of them is planning. That is, planning everything. I know this works because I did it during the really low months of my severe depression. I planned when I would eat my bagel, when I would shower, and when I would relieve my bladder. I planned when I'd write my distorted thoughts into a journal, and when I would try to count my blessings. All the planning cut down on my ruminations. Does that sound like a bit much? Not according to Temes:

“Use a calendar to make your plans. Plan when you will go somewhere new. Plan when you will buy yourself a new outfit. Plan to learn to knit and decide when you'll go to the yarn store. Plan to go fishing and call a buddy who likes to fish. Or, learn how to frame a favorite photo and plan when you will venture to a craft shop or to an art supply store. Plan to repair something in your house and plan to go to Home Depot or to Lowe's or to your local hardware store. Planning activities for your future will help you reach that future."

Defy the Stereotype

Mary Jo Eustace will make any reader, but especially those who have lived through divorce, laugh out loud with her memoir, Divorce Sucks. I loved the part where she challenges the divorcee to debunk the hurtful stereotypes of divorced people. Writes Eustace: "Our marriages didn't work, so people assume we don't quite work. And this is why it's very important for those of us who have survived the hell of divorce to start redefining what the landscape of the divorced woman [or man] can look like. People can have us over for dinner, even a couple's dinner party, and we promise we won't seduce anyone's husband or dance on the table, expressing ourselves through modern movement and our ability to do the splits."

Take the High Road

My friend and mentor Mike constantly reminds me that it's better to be happy or at peace than it is to be right. So, as I'm loaded and ready to fire off a nasty email to some jerk who could potentially make my life hell, I will stop and consider Mike's pearl of advice. Then I drag the email over to the cute trashcan on my monitor.

I have no doubt your ex-spouse is responsible for a mother load of terrible things, legal pad after legal pad of inexcusable grievances you could report to your attorney. And you would be absolutely entitled to seek revenge (or even justice) for his all of his misjudgments. But is it worth it? That's the question you might need to stick to your bathroom mirror on a sticky note. A friendly divorce isn't necessarily a fair divorce. Which one do you want?

Make Your Own Community

One of the reasons married people win the happy contest, at least according to social experiments and polls, is that marriage (and families) become small communities. And human beings thrive in communities. In his book Bowling Alone, Harvard professor Robert Putman writes about the deterioration in American culture today of social connections--civic groups, bridge clubs, bowling leagues--and sites a variety of different studies that underscore the emotional and physical health benefits gained by hanging out in groups and participating in a community.

So when a family breaks up, it's important that you replace the family with another community. If you're not a support group kind of person, then invest your energy in a few friendships that can give you the feedback, comfort, and companionship you need at this difficult time. And consider this: even if you don't become a permanent member, support groups can help you connect with people on important topics like how to talk to your children about the divorce, coping with unsupportive family members, accessing when it's time to start dating, making the right financial decisions, and learning about divorce laws and your rights. There are divorce groups here in Beliefnet's Community, or you can start the conversation in Group Beyond Blue.

Make a Self-Esteem File

You are definitely going to need a self-esteem file, because my guess is that at some point in the divorce process, you will blame yourself, look into the mirror, and say, "You're a failure." That's not the truth, of course. But if you are like me, you won't be able to convince yourself otherwise, and may need to collect the evidence from some really good friends, to whom you will give the assignment of listing ten of your positive qualities. If they don't come through, ask another three friends, or maybe your mailman. He's objective, right? Place the nice letters in a manila folder and label it My Self-Esteem File. Keep it handy, because every time someone complements you in the slightest ("Blue is a pretty color on you. It matches your eyes."), you should jot the warm fuzzy down on a Post-It, and stick it into the file. Before long, that baby is going to be so fat that you can no longer carry it up and down stairs. Oh, and be sure to read it!

Share Your Wisdom

You don't have to look too far to find all kinds of folks in troubled relationships. And whether you like it or not, you now have some experience that could be very helpful to them. My mom used to call up friends who were having marital problems and implore them to work harder at their marriage ... to be more forgiving ... to try their best to make it work so they might be spared the pain that she endured.

Your friendships and personal advice-giving boundaries may or may not allow this level of sharing. But maybe your divorce has freed you to become the person you were meant to be, and you want to inspire a friend who is stuck in an abusive relationship to get out, NOW, because divorce isn't the death sentence that people think it is. Whatever your story is, you have wisdom tucked inside. Share it!

Don't Rush the Process

In her book, 101 Little Instructions for Surviving Your Divorce, Barbara Walton, a practicing divorce lawyer, offers some helpful tips and sound advice for the person navigating through the messy terrain of divorce. One is to treat the grieving process of a divorce just as you would a death ... so you predict the same four phases: denial, anger, grief, and acceptance. But I interject one important difference: a person grieving the loss of her spouse from a death most likely will get more support from the community than the woman or man going through a divorce, which is even more reason you should be gentle with yourself and take your time to heal, really heal, from this traumatic event.