Saying a Traditional Good-Bye

My beloved aunt died in Bombay last week. She had battled pancreatic cancer for years and finally succumbed. Unlike many traditional Indian women, Aunt Vijayam was loud and boisterous. She had no problems being assertive and aggressive. As a child, I would accompany her to the bazaars where she would bully the vendors into giving us a big discount in her inimitable style--half-joking, half-scolding. She had a passion for music and was a concert-level violinist. She used the same half-scolding, half-joking approach to wring the best out of her students. And there were many. Yet, for all her "out-there" personality, she was an extremely devoted wife, coaxing and cajoling her husband into taking his blood-pressure pills and eating nutritious food.

I enjoyed Aunt Vijayam. She was a Hindu woman, but she wasn't a doormat. She wore a sari and bindi but didn't conform to the stereotype of a demure Indian wife. She participated in rituals and went to temple, but took them all with a pinch of salt. She was religious but not too ritualistic.

Immediately after her death, our Hindu family kicked into gear and set in motion all the rituals and traditions surrounding death and dying. When my mother called to tell me that Aunt Vijayam was dead, for instance, she instructed me to take a bath immediately. I had heard this instruction since childhood: take a bath as soon as you hear that someone in the family has died. Only I didn't know why. This time I asked.

The custom originated in the Hindu joint family. Like many Hindu customs, its basis is to preserve the family's health and sanctity. In the olden days, when large numbers of people (the extended family) shared a home, all members were instructed to take a bath as soon as one family member died and give away the clothes they were wearing to beggars. The reason, I was told, was because most deaths happened as a result of illness and by washing yourself clean and giving away your clothes, you were in effect removing the germs associated with the dead person's illness. Nowadays, most Indians don't live in joint families anymore and are only connected by phone or internet. Still, some of us undertake this symbolic bath anyhow as part of the grieving process.

The Hindu religion, like most others, has certain prescriptions that help the bereaved grieve for the dead. When there is a death in the family, all daily religious rituals are suspended. There is no daily puja; no offering of prasad (food) to the Gods; no anointing the deity with flowers; nothing. The entire family congregates and engages in only those activities that have to do with sending the dead soul on its way to heaven. Priests are invited, bricks are laid to create a 'havan' or sacred fire and mantras are chanted that help give peace to the dead soul. When my grandmother died, I remember how the whole house reverberated with the sound of ten priests loudly chanting, 'Shanti,' or 'peace' many times a day. I also remember that even though we didn't understand the Sanskrit mantras, somehow listening to them made us feel better.

Immersing ourselves in activity
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