'The Worst Sermon I've Ever Heard'

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"At the end of a series of curing people of 'demon cancers' and purging 'satanic viruses,' [a faith healer] tells everyone that Jesus has told him that people should contribute $1000. ...I could see thousands of people reaching for their wallets and checkbooks at which point, he put his hand to his ear (wireless earphone) and said, 'Wait! Jesus just told me you can afford $2500 and some of you can give $10,000. This is what Jesus is asking for you to do. Some of you also want to leave a bequest, and we have financial advisors standing up here in front of the stage who can help with you that.'" --

"The worst sermon I've ever heard was at my Grandma's funeral when my uncle (married to my aunt, no blood relation whatsoever) stated that 'I bet you all still wouldn't believe in God even if that body got up and started to walk around.' My mother burst into tears, she couldn't believe he said that while standing over her mother. Anyway that was the last sermon I heard preached by my uncle." --

"One I remember from the Baptist church of my youth is a sermon in which the preacher was trying to prove that Jesus was a teetotaler and never drank or served anything but fresh grape juice, and that he had actually changed water into grape juice at that wedding feast in Cana. He pointed out that in Biblical Greek, the word for grape juice wasn't much different from the word for wine. Somehow,he claimed, all the Bible translators had mistranslated and written 'wine' when they should have written 'grape juice.' Then, seeming to realize that his argument was pretty weak, he shouted at the top of his voice 'AND I KNOW JESUS WOULD NEVER HAVE TURNED THAT WEDDING FEAST INTO A DRUNKEN BRAWL!'" --

"I went to a daily mass shortly after the 9-11 attacks. We needed comfort and to comfort each other. What we got was a homily saying we got what we deserved because we tolerate abortion. What is 3000 compared to millions of aborted?" --

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