How to Be a More Spiritual Lover
Six ways to enhance the spirit of your
• Use "I" statements: "I feel." "I want." "I am...."
• Keep it positive. Offer liberal appreciation and praise—to yourself, to your partner, to the cosmos.
• Accept all appreciation and praise that comes to you (this can be tough for women who've been taught to put themselves down, but get used to it. It's time to learn to tough it out).
• Keep it simple. Too much talk gets in the way of feeling and being. Remember that useful phrase, "Talk does not boil rice."
• Listen to your partner. Erotic connection is always a two-way street.
There may be times you crave an element of risk, surprise, or outrageous fun, especially if sex has grooved into a rut. Two-thirds of the women who answered the ISIS survey say letting go of control is crucial to connecting sex and spirit. So let your wild woman out of her cage every once in a while—as long as you can do so in mutual safety and pleasure. Have you ever wanted to kiss as if these were the last lips on the planet? Or dress like cavewoman? One woman says she and her husband made love as if they were animals and chased each other growling and gnawing all over the house one Saturday morning. This primitive, elemental connection filled her with power she didn't know she possessed. In that sense it was a spiritual breakthrough for her. And it was transformational for her relationship. It pushed the boundaries to the outer limits, and she and her husband were able to travel much farther than they'd imagined.
Jungle activities may not be your cup of tea. But this story is a reminder that "spiritual" is not all about messages from angels. It can also mean tapping the murky depths of your most forbidden desires, whether or not you decide to act on them.
Nurture each other, but don't forget yourself
Most ISIS women are awesome sexual caregivers. But all of us can benefit from focusing some of that earth-mother energy on ourselves. It seems that every other woman I see in therapy yearns for her partner to care more fully and deeply for her. But she worries that she doesn't deserve it, or won't get it. Endless giving may be a way to maintain some sense of control in your relationships. But at some point this strategy stops feeling good. It can be both exhausting and self-defeating. Spiritual sex isn't about one-way giving. It's a relationship dance of all your senses and emotions. A dance of give and take. Letting your partner care for you is an affirmation of trust. It can be deeply spiritual and deeply erotic.
Open yourself to love
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