Conversation with God in a Sports Bar, Part 2

Continued from page 1

Why?
For one thing, I got tired of those guys sticking a finger in my face all the time. Take that Panthers kicker John Kasay and their defensive back, Mike Minter. They make a good play, and up go the fingers to thank heaven. Minter even wears gloves with Bible verses written on them.

For another, it spoils the fun of betting.

Betting? You're betting on games?
Sure. Gambling has added a whole new thrill to the sport for me. I bet for the first time on the Sugar Bowl. I won big with the Tigers.

But who would bet against God on a football game?
Satan. He liked the Sooners, and I said LSU would wipe the field with them and win by seven. He said, "You're on." I agreed not to interfere, and LSU won 21-14. Satan was such a sore loser, he made all the LSU fans spin their heads and projectile vomit like the girl in "The Exorcist." Not that anyone noticed in the French Quarter.

Let me get a handle on this. You gamble with Lucifer? Isn't gambling supposed to be immoral?
Not when it's a cosmic battle between Good and Evil. Haven't you ever read the book of Job? You know, I bragged to Satan about Job's piety. He said, "No way, he's just pious because you've blessed him." We made a little wager, and then put Job through every living hell imaginable. But Job passed the test without any help from me, and Satan ate crow.

Weren't you tempted to bet on LSU, and then create a few 'lucky bounces' for them?
Nah. Credibility issue. Look what happened to Pete Rose.

What about the players who get stopped for a sound bite on the way off the field and thank you for the win? You're making liars out of them.
They should thank the company that made their steroids.

Do you at least still shape team personnel? You admitted in our last interview that you told Reggie White to retire from the Packers, just like he said. Then two days later you told him you'd changed your mind and wanted him to stay on for another season. Were you behind Roger Clemens leaving the Yankees and then unretiring?
No, I like George Steinbrenner too much to do that. He's always offering me advice up here. We've gotten kind of close.

So, you and the Evil One are placing bets on Super Sunday?
Definitely. We both like the Patriots, so it may have to come down to the point spread.

What's at stake?
The loser spends two weeks in Houston. It'll be hell for him.

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