Past-life Depression?

I was desperate. My life had been gradually slipping downhill, with chronic back pain and lack of romance, worsened by my tendency to stay up until 5 a.m., drowning myself in videos and the Web before gobbling sedating herbs. What the secular world had to offer me--whether psychotherapy, motivational tapes or Paxil--hadn't eased my malaise or even gotten me to bed at a reasonable hour. It was, I realized, time for a spiritual makeover, with God as the ultimate personal trainer.

I was well aware that my search for God's grace demanded of me forgiveness, altruism and unconditional love--but since I'm the kind of guy who snaps at clerks while waiting on line to buy spiritual self-help books, I needed expert help.

I soon learned about a highly regarded psychic and medium I'll call Maria*, reputed to have the ability to tap into the Akashic Records, a sort of cosmic database with the lowdown on our past lives and their clues to our current miseries. Best of all, her brochure promised that I'd learn how to "release Karmic Debt and return to the Grace of God." Of course it would probably take a few sessions--if not lifetimes--to accomplish that.

When I arrived at her modest suburban house, I was pleased to see that Maria was successful enough to own a decent Honda Accord (impoverished psychics worry me). A short, dark-haired woman, she was dressed all in white. She led me into a tiny room where I explained all the problems that were besetting me. Unfortunately, that burned up a lot of the 90-minute session. She carefully listened as I talked about everything from my lack of self-discipline to sagging energy to social isolation.

As Maria prepared to invoke the spirits, she donned a pair of wraparound sunglasses to "go within." It was then that I realized that I'd told her so much about myself that she'd have to be an idiot not to be able to concoct a plausible-sounding "reading." Whatever she told me, she wouldn't be able to prove her psychic skills to me in a way that would ease any lingering doubts. I was only mildly reassured by the degree on the wall certifying her as a "pastoral counselor." Still, she had quite an impressive roster of spirit guides enrolled to help me.

Speaking quickly she said, "I call on the archangels Michael, Gabriel, Raphael and Uriel so that they may stand in the four corners of this room as sentinels of light and guardians of truth." That sounded good enough for me, although I wasn't really sure about that Uriel fellow. While I'd heard of the others, Uriel sounded a little like the Zeppo Marx of Archangels. She continued, "I am the living light of God, I am a perfect channel--I step into the position of being an emissary of God."

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