7 Ways to Tell if it's Love or Lust

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Most of us know the dictionary definitions of love and lust. Love is a profound sense of caring that forms emotional attachment and affection. Lust is an intense sexual desire based in physical attraction. Easy enough, right?

Except that when we’re in the midst of these intense forces, it can be almost impossible to tell the difference.

But tell we must, because a relationship fueled solely by lust will burn out at a crucial moment—usually about two years into the relationship, and right around when it’s time to pop the question.

You really don’t want things falling apart on that day.

But when you have a partnership based not only in physical desire but on deep understanding and emotional attachment, you have a relationship that will weather the volatile ups and downs of physical desire. You have a relationship that’s no longer merely comprised of two people focusing on their own wants, but a one comprised of two people who are focused on each other.

So to help you tell if it’s love or lust, let’s look at a few signs of each.

If you're not friends...

It’s lust.

One of the surest indicators of how long a relationship can last is whether or not you and your partner are friends. If you stripped all sexual and romantic appeal from him or her, and vice-versa, would the two of you still spend time together? Would you still be interested in each other at all?

If not, your relationship might be headed for trouble. The stable elements of friendship easily morph into stable elements of real love, but lust will always be volatile. Physical desire peaks and dips according to how much sleep we get, how stressful our lives are, and a hundred other physical and emotional reasons.

It also, as you’ve already learned, tends to take a dive after about two years of being together—but only if there’s no love to accompany it.

So if you find yourself in an intense new relationship and ask yourself “Would I be friends with this person,” and find that the answer is no, you’re probably in lust.

If you show affection when it doesn't lead to sex...

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It’s love.

Love is kind. Love doesn’t expect immediate reward. It is given freely, and with the other person's well-being in mind.

Cuddling, gentle touch, and sweet words given without the expectation of sex are a sure sign of love. For those in lust, though, this sort of behavior elicits impatient thoughts of “Why aren’t we just having sex right now?”

But this is unsustainable. When those physical desires ebb, the entire basis for the relationship is immediately broken.

For those in love, showing affection isn’t just a way of communicating physical desire, it’s a way of making your partner feel important, beloved, and fulfilled—all of which are incredibly important for a long-term relationship to flourish.

One of the biggest signs you’re in love rather than in lust is that you’re thinking of your partner rather than yourself. It’s automatic. You’re not seeking to simply meet your own physical need—you want them to be happy, too.

If your feelings are conditional...

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It’s lust.

Lust is fickle. Lust is easily inconvenienced. Lust withdraws when its needs aren’t met.

Do you find yourself avoiding your partner when they need your help? When they’re ill, do you tell them to come back in three days when they’re not contagious anymore, rather than showing up at their door with medicine, blankets, and a movie?

Most telling of all, do they cease to exist for you when you’re not with them? Are they more of a body than a person for you? If they stopped physically satisfying you, would you be able to quickly turn to someone else without regret?

If any of these sound like you or your partner, you may be in lust rather than love. Lust is conditional—by itself, it is marked by gratification without a thought for anything else.

Pay attention to how you feel when you’re away from your partner, and you’ll soon know whether you’re in love or lust.

If you want to know everything about your partner...

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It’s love

Do you ask questions about your partner? Do you show interest in his or her hobbies, thoughts, childhood, and dreams?

When you love someone, you want to know more about them—you display a sense of curiosity about their past and future.

Lust, though, tends to focus on sexuality at the expense of learning about one another—everything else is deemed a waste of time. It’s utilitarian.

You can tell love is real, even in the exciting rush of a new relationship, if you and your partner tend to pay attention to the details—things like remembering a favorite food or story or recalling a particular mannerism.

Love doesn’t feel practical. It involves using your time to do things and have conversations that don’t directly benefit you.

But that’s the beauty of love, isn’t it? It doesn’t have to be practical. It’s not constrained by what benefits us the most.

So if you find yourself gushing over all your partner’s quirks, that’s a great sign you’re in love.

If you're only concerned with what's under their clothes...

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It’s lust.

By itself, lust is more focused on the outside than the inside. And that’s a problem.

When lust is the sole driver of a relationship, a partner could be emotionally abusive, manipulative, or just plain mean, and you wouldn’t much care. You just want to the glory of being seen with this person in public. You love the image. You love the veneer. This is lust.

But once that veneer is stripped away, you might find you’ve wasted months or years with someone who is simply not good for you—or, worse, you might find yourself married to them.

Another aspect of this sign lies in what you have in common with your partner. Is physical passion the only thing you share?

Ask yourself what you have in common with your partner. If you have trouble naming things other than favorite places to make out, you might be headed for trouble in the long term. Lust masks incompatibilities and bad habits, and makes it difficult to truly know your partner.

If you want to introduce your partner to your family and friends...

It’s love

If you want to meet your partner’s family and friends—the people he or she cares most about—it’s a sure sign of love. It means your partner’s entire life is important to you, not just their body.

In a relationship guided by love’s gentle hand, partners want to know not only about one another’s present lives, but about where each of them comes from as well. They want to know everything. And what better way to do that than to meet up with the people who have been with your partner for most of their life?

This sign is even more obvious if you or your partner actively requests to meet up with friends and family. This proactive kind of curiosity is a signifier of love, and when it extends beyond your partner and into the lives around him or her, it’s a sure sign of genuine romantic attachment.

If you prefer the fantasy to reality...

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It’s lust.

This is the biggest sign that your relationship rests upon a foundation of sand, and correlates with all of the points in this list.

Do you feel, deep down, that your relationship has no future? Do you plainly see your partner’s fatal flaws—flaws that would normally have you out the door in a heartbeat with anyone else? And yet, despite all of this, do you stay with your partner and simply pretend everything is okay so that you can continue having your fun?

That’s lust, and it’s selfish. It ignores the bad parts of the relationship that can be damaging to both you and your partner.

If you prefer the fantasy over the reality of your relationship, it’s a huge red flag that all you’ve got is lust. You’re not thinking about the future—you’re wholly living within your present moments of pleasure.

That’s not going to last.

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