However you phrase your reply, you have an opportunity to repeat your explanation of what led to your divorce in a language appropriate to your child's age and new level of understanding. You have a chance to clarify what happened to your family and why. It should always be an open dialogue, not a secret that no one can talk about. This is important because your child needs your help to create a continuing life story for himself. Some parents try to erase the past, as if the family before the divorce never existed. In starting over, they assiduously avoid talking about the old neighborhood and what life used to be like. It's too painful. Better to get on with the future.

This kind of censorship can impair your child's sense of who he is by eradicating a portion of his life from memory—and I mean that literally. I was shocked to discover in my work that some young adults can't remember anything about family life before the divorce. .. is a serious gap in their identity that scares them. Your children need to understand that their pre- and post-divorce lives are chapters in a family history in which they're leading characters. Remember, they didn't ask for the divorce. They didn't ask to change their family or to have parents who live in separate households. Their wish as they get older is to make sense out of what happened then and what's happening now—the whole story without deleted chapters.