5 Tips for Managing Grief, Loss, and Death in Adulthood

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The reality is that even as adults when we lose a parent or loved one it is a painful loss. It doesn’t matter if the relationship with that person had conflicts their death will still evoke a myriad of feelings. You may experience emotions around the fact there will always be unresolved issues with that person. After a death the grieving process may include periods of feeling numb, angry, shocked, sad, relief, guilt, regret, fear, rage, and depression. These are all normal emotions associated with loss. You may experience repeated cycles of this grief reaction depending on how you are coping with this loss. Adults understand all too clearly the finality of death and our inability to control or stop it. The most we can do is to offer a loved one comfort and support to help ensure that they die with dignity in a manner that honors their wishes.

The more significant the relationship, the greater the sense of loss and grief. Your grieving process is influenced by your personality, life experience, the nature of the relationship with the person you lost, how that person died, and ways you cope. People may respond differently to a sudden death than to a person who has a long and diagnosed illness. With all this in mind here are 5 tips to help enhance your understanding of grief and loss in adulthood.

Talk About Your Loss

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In order to begin the healing process you need to talk about the person who has died. Funerals, wakes, and Shiva (in the Jewish religion) share a common characteristic. It is a way to begin talking about the person that has died. Communicating about your loss to your partner, trusted friends, clergy, and family can be a way of celebrating the life of your loved one. It helps you begin to identify the meaning of their loss. Information you share during these conversations will give the people around you insights about the best way to offer you support. Your discussing your memories may spark the memories of others. You may learn new things about your loved one that can be meaningful.

Social media is also a great source of support. There are numerous places you can go on line where there are resources, organizations, or chat rooms where you can share your feelings. Sometimes talking with a person who has a similar experience can be a source of comfort. It can reduce your sense of loneliness. For some people having the chance to support others can help in their own personal healing. Be discreet about where you post and carefully research the programs you want to connect with.

Identify Your Healthy Coping Mechanisms and Strengths

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We all have to face moments in our lives that are painful or challenging. Think about how you have handled those times in the past. What worked best for you? Coping mechanisms are the way we think and behave in times of stress. You may or may not be aware of how you respond to stress. Many people rely on their faith and spirituality as a means of coping with loss. Prayers and familiar ceremonies and rituals can be a source of comfort. Some people use humor as a way to cope with pain. When my parents died we immediately felt we had to “do something” so right away we began sorting through their their clothes trying to determine where things would go. It was a way to keep busy. Some people jump quickly back into work and their regular routine as a means of coping. Exercise is another healthy way to cope and take care of yourself.

It can be especially challenging for people who were caregivers when the person they were taking care of dies. Caregiving can be emotionally and physically demanding. It also takes time. People re-adjust their daily lives in order to be a caregiver. Suddenly that person is not a part of your life. Adapting to their absence and a new daily structure can be difficult. Many people are surprised by this sense of emptiness. They are uncertain how to manage their time and energy. Try to think of other meaningful ways to provide new goals in your life. Some find it comforting to volunteer with a charity that was important to their loved one. This is an alternative way to celebrate their life and can be powerful for you as well.

Identify and Stop Unhealthy Reactions to Death and Loss

It is human nature to do what you can to avoid emotional pain. Some people turn to drugs or alcohol to avoid or numb themselves from their feelings. It is not uncommon for people to stop eating or eat too much. You may experience ongoing physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches, nausea. Depression is a frequent emotion that occurs after a death. If you find that you can’t sleep or sleep too much, can’t go to work, school, or maintain relationships these are warning signs that you may need additional help. If those goes on for an extended period of time that is another warning sign. People can experience thoughts of harming themselves. They may wonder how their lives will go on after the death of loved ones. Additional symptoms to watch for are ongoing isolation or no alleviation of the intensity of your symptoms of grief. Consider get-ting outside help from clergy or a trained healthcare professional to help you get support on more effective ways to mange your grief.

Heal at Your Pace

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People heal at their own individual pace. One way of looking at grief is to tell yourself that you may have difficulty accepting the loss of a loved one. However, you may be able to learn to adapt to their loss. This means continuing or building new relationships. Re-engaging in daily tasks is crucial. There will be days that are more challenging where the emotions associated with grief re-emerge at an unexpected time or place. If you have a difficult day tell yourself that all of the days after do not have to be that way. When occasions like anniversaries or birthdays come up be prepared. Think about how you want to spend that day. Identify a person who can be with you to offer you support. When feelings of being overwhelmed remain consider getting professional help. Be gentle and patient with yourself as you grieve. It is imperative for your recovery.

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