6 Things to Avoid When Caring For Aging Parents

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As the population ages, there are increasing numbers of people who are taking care of elderly parents. The caretakers may be visiting their parents on a regular basis or the aging parents may have moved in with their adult children. Regardless of the exact details of the situation, the role reversal that takes place between aging parents and adult children sets the stage for a great deal of tension, drama and confusion. Many caretakers have acted with the best of intentions only to be baffled when their parent or parents seem to be getting increasingly irritated by the adult child.

Caring for an aging parent is simultaneously very different from and very similar to taking care of a child. The overlap can lead to people treating their parents like children. This is the last thing that aging parents want. Unfortunately for them, they cannot be treated like independent adults anymore either. This makes it very difficult for caretakers to strike the right balance between taking care of aging parents and letting their loved ones retain some independence and pride. The situation will be different for every family, but as some general guidelines, here are six things to avoid when caring for aging parents.

Getting Impatient

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The first rule of dealing with aging parents is to be as patient as you are capable of being and then being even more patient than that. Your elderly parents are likely to drive you crazy at some point. They may suddenly decide to dig in their heels and argue with every doctor they meet. They might start answering questions with one word answers. They could have a fierce desire to reassert their independence and are scaring you out of your mind when they talk about driving the car again. They might tell the same story six times at dinner and then want to tell it again at breakfast. No matter what they are doing, be patient with them. Aging is not always easy. Many people are all too aware of the fact that their body is beginning to fail and that they can no longer do the things they once could do for themselves. Those are not easy realizations to grapple with, so be patient with them if they start trying to rebel against time itself. One day you will be doing the same.

Draining Yourself For Them

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There is a persistent cultural myth that a caretaker is expected to pour every ounce of energy they possess into the person they are taking care of. They are a caretaker first and everything else is a distant second. Although this seems admirable in theory, it is actually a disaster in the making. A person who is pouring everything they have into another person has no time or energy for themselves. This means that they cannot recover from the emotional stresses they face as a caretaker.

If you are caring for elderly parents, you need to make sure to take breaks to do things that you enjoy. You cannot care for someone effectively if you are barely keeping it together. Take some time for yourself now and then. Go hiking on a beautiful afternoon. Go get drinks on Friday night with some friends. Replenish your energy so that you have the ability to be the best caretaker you can be.

Accept Their Forgetfulness

As people age, the mind begins to deteriorate. Even if an elderly person is not suffering from a condition such as Alzheimer’s or Dementia, their mind is still going to be moving slower than it did when they were younger. They may be more likely to forget things or have trouble staying focused on one thing for an extended period of time. They are not trying to ignore you or be difficult, but they truly have trouble forming new memories. Age related memory issues commonly affect the short term memory before the long term memory. This means that your aging father will not be able to remember where he put his reading glasses, but he will be able to recall your first baseball game with perfect clarity. Do your best to simply take this in stride. Your aging parent is not forgetting things because they cannot be bothered to remember them. They have become forgetful because their mind is slowly, inevitably fading.

Make Them Dependent

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Most people cling to their independence as long as they can when they get older. They do not want to face the fact that they can no longer do certain things for themselves. Inevitably they will have to cede some of their independence to you, their caretaker. Resist the urge to take more than necessary. You might think that you are being helpful or making their life easier, but all you are doing is reminding them of what they can no longer do for themselves. If they can still cook their own meals, let them cook. If they are too shaky or unsteady to stand at the stove and cook but can sit by the sink and dry dishes, let them dry the dishes. Let your aging parents continue to be productive members of the household. They will be happy to have at least some independence or sense of contributing, and you will avoid an awful lot of arguments over what was supposed to be a kind gesture.

Assume Anything Medically

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When caring for an aging parent, you want to let them retain as much independence as possible. That said, you cannot make assumptions when it comes to medical matters. Many elderly people take large numbers of pills and can forget which pills are daily and which are multiple times a day. They might also not remember if they took their medicine or not. Though it may be unpleasant, check and make sure they are taking all their medication. Help them set up pill organizers for both your sakes. They will have an easier time remembering what to take, and you will find it easier to check on them.

Pills are not the only medical concern when it comes to aging parents. You may need to remind them to do their physical therapy exercises or to go with them to doctor’s appointments. Many elderly people have a tendency to downplay or even hide health concerns out of a desire to retain some further independence. Unfortunately, you cannot allow them to hide things from the doctor. This might mean that you have to speak up in a doctor’s appointment to correct something. That is never a pleasant thing to do, but it is sometimes necessary.

Be Condescending About Technology

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Truth time. How long did it take you to figure out how to work that brand new computer system that ran on a completely different operating system? Now imagine that you have not been working with some form of computers every day for years. Suddenly it makes a lot more sense why your aging parents might be having trouble with technology. What seems perfectly self-explanatory or intuitive to you might as well be a Rubik’s Cube covered in hieroglyphics to your aging parent. This is especially true when it comes to touchscreen technology that is based entirely on what direction you swipe and with how many fingers. An aging mind might struggle anyway with keeping a large number of buttons on a TV remote straight. Instructions about swiping right with two fingers for one command and down with one finger for another can be confusing even to seasoned technology users. Be patient with your aging parent and avoid condescension. They really are trying to learn.

Advice for Caregivers: It’s Time to Care for You

We spend a lot of time caring for those we love. We are there to listen. We are there to run errands. We are constantly giving of our time and energy to the ones we love and care about, but what about time for ourselves? Read next feature >