{"id":244,"date":"2009-11-19T14:25:19","date_gmt":"2009-11-19T14:25:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/yourcharmedlife\/2009\/11\/simple-ways-to-have-a-charmed-family-gathering-a-guest-blog-from-kate-hanley.html"},"modified":"2009-11-19T14:25:19","modified_gmt":"2009-11-19T14:25:19","slug":"simple-ways-to-have-a-charmed-family-gathering-a-guest-blog-from-kate-hanley","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/yourcharmedlife\/2009\/11\/simple-ways-to-have-a-charmed-family-gathering-a-guest-blog-from-kate-hanley.html","title":{"rendered":"Simple Ways to Have a Charmed Family Gathering, a guest blog from Kate Hanley"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"futureshape.jpg\"<\/span>The most adorable — and helpful — little book recently made its way to me, The Anywhere, Anytime Chill Guide<\/a><\/i>, by Kate Hanley<\/a>. I loved it so much I’m going to have her on my radio show November 25th (noon Eastern; first half-hour is Suzanne Taylor with her crop circle documentary, What on Earth?<\/a><\/i>, then Kate — tune in to www.healthylife.net<\/a>); and I asked if she’d provide a guest blog for today as our thoughts turn holiday-ward. (She said yes! Don’t you love it how asking so often gets positive responses?) So, tah-dah, I present the splendiferous Kate Hanley<\/a>:<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
<\/p>\n

Simple Ways to Have a Charmed
\nFamily Gathering<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

One of the hallmarks of the
\nholidays is eating at least one meal with as many family members as you can
\nassemble in one room. Even though they’re designed to be celebrations, these
\nfamily gatherings are often a lot more stressful than they are festive. I’ve
\ngot a liberal brother-in-law who loves to talk politics–loudly–with his most
\nconservative sibling. And my beloved 90-year-old grandmother just can’t seem to
\nhelp herself from commenting on my hair or my outfit; even after almost 40
\nyears the smallest slight from her can still set my teeth on edge. That’s the
\nthing about family–the emotions involved are so strong and so deep that the
\npeople we know and love the best also push our buttons the most.<\/span><\/p>\n

Since I started practicing
\nyoga and mindfulness nearly 15 years ago, I’ve been paying more attention to
\nwhat happens at my family events, to see if I can apply some of the tools I’ve
\nbeen learning in my practice to my family interactions. Because I love my
\nfamily. I don’t get to see them enough. And I inevitably feel guilty about
\ngetting so wrapped up in my own reactions to the quirks in our family dynamic
\nthat I miss the opportunity to enjoy–or even be fully present at–the party.<\/span><\/p>\n

Here’s what I’ve figured out.
\nI can’t change anyone’s behavior. My brother-in-law will always talk politics
\nat full volume, my grandmother will always care about my appearance and point
\nout anything that’s not up to her high standards. But I can change the way I
\nreact when my buttons get pushed. It doesn’t mean I spend the entire time giddy
\nand happy and carefree, but it does mean I’m more tolerant of my loved ones and
\nof myself when I do find myself wanting to roll my eyes, or to push away any of
\nmy own emotional discomfort by eating or drinking too much.<\/span><\/p>\n

Below are some of the
\nself-care techniques I use to stay a little more grounded and a little more
\nopen to the wonderful chaos that only a family gathering can produce. Some you
\ncan do before you go, some you can use when you’re sitting at the table
\n(without raising any eyebrows). May they help you make this holiday season feel
\na little less chaotic, and a little more charmed.<\/span><\/p>\n

1.      <\/span><\/span>Get grounded. <\/b><\/span>Every major mind-body tradition considers the earth to be a source of
\nstrength, support, and energy. When you’re sitting at the dining room table and
\nthe wheels are turning in your mind, bring your focus back in to your body and
\nhelp steady yourself by bringing the soles of both feet flat to the floor.<\/span><\/p>\n

2.      <\/span><\/span>Stand by your mantra. <\/b><\/span>Before you head to the gathering, decide which family
\nquirks you’re dreading the most. Then resolve to repeat a calming mantra
\nwhenever your stress trigger happens. Your mantra can be any word or short
\nphrase that’s meaningful to you, whether it’s something formal, like ‘Om’ or ‘Amen,’
\nor something simple such ‘peace’ or ‘bless his heart.’ Whatever mantra you
\nchoose, taking a few moments to repeat it silently before you react to whatever
\nis pushing your buttons gives you a chance to collect your thoughts–making you
\nless likely to over-react. <\/span><\/p>\n

3.      <\/span><\/span>Accentuate the positive<\/b><\/span>. Before you leave for the event, take a few moments to
\nname the parts of the day you’re looking forward to–such as eating your Mom’s
\napple pie, seeing your favorite cousin, or playing with your niece. Then if
\nanything happens to spike your stress levels, make it a point to focus on the
\nthings you like. Changing your focus from something upsetting to something
\nenjoyable can snap you out of a downward spiral in mood. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

4.      <\/span><\/b><\/span>Practice the art of letting go. <\/b><\/span>There are acupressure points known as Letting Go in
\nyour upper chest, and stimulating them facilitates the release of troublesome
\nemotions, deepens breathing, and promotes relaxation. You can do it in your car
\nbefore you go inside or even in the bathroom if you need help during the
\nfestivities. To find the Letting Go points, feel the tips of your collarbones
\non either side of the notch of your throat. Walk your fingers out to where the
\ncollarbones end–the Letting Go points are located three finger widths below
\nthat end point. Now that you know where the points are, press two or three
\nfingertips in to them (it may be more comfortable to cross your arms over your
\nchest) and breathe naturally as you do for a minute or so. You don’t need to go
\nfor the burn–think steady but gentle pressure. <\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

5.      <\/span><\/b><\/span>Remember your heart. <\/b><\/span>Whenever you need help staying tolerant, take a moment
\nto lay one hand over your heart. This simple gesture reminds you that you do
\nindeed have a heart and helps you react with love instead of frustration. If
\nanyone in your family catches you doing it and looks at you funny, just tell
\nthem you have heartburn.<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n

6.      <\/span><\/span>Blow off steam. <\/b><\/span>If you ever feel yourself coming close to saying something you’ll
\nregret, de-stress with an exercise derived from yoga’s lion pose. Head in to
\nthe bathroom, and sit up tall on the toilet (hey, whatever it takes, right?).
\nClench your fists, squeeze your eyes shut, and tighten all the muscles in your
\nface, then open your eyes and mouth wide, splay your fingers, and stick out
\nyour tongue and exhale with a loud whisper noise. It drains tension out of the
\nbody and expels anger, and helps you express what you want to get off your
\nchest without actually hurting anyone’s feelings.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

Kate Hanley<\/b> is a writer and yoga teacher who specializes in exploring the mind-body connection. She’s the author of The Anywhere, Anytime Chill Guide<\/a><\/i>, a contributing editor at Body + Soul magazine, and the Chill Out expert for www.realbeauty.com<\/a>. Visit her at www.msmindbody.com<\/a>.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/font><\/div>\n
Photo credit: FutureShape<\/span><\/font><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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