{"id":773,"date":"2018-10-10T18:21:04","date_gmt":"2018-10-10T18:21:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/youcansitwithus\/?p=773"},"modified":"2018-10-10T18:21:04","modified_gmt":"2018-10-10T18:21:04","slug":"lady-b","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/youcansitwithus\/2018\/10\/lady-b.html","title":{"rendered":"Lady B"},"content":{"rendered":"

Because They Said They Loved Me: I Let Them Define My Worth<\/h1>\n
\n

As I sit and look at the title, I am overwhelmed with emotions: anger, sadness, disbelief, and a whole lotta truth. I let them define my worth. I allowed them to take control over my life. How? Why?<\/p>\n

I spend a lot of time thinking about those questions. I never saw myself in these situations and neither did anyone else. I had strong opinions, a sharp mind, and an independent spirit. But before I knew it, I was left with a broken spirit, mixed opinions, and an anxious and uncertain mind. I didn\u2019t know who I was anymore.<\/p>\n

It was the deepest, darkest secret I kept. And this wasn\u2019t about any particular situation\/relationship as much as it was my relationship with men. It ran deep and dark, and I never realized the impact it had on myself and on my self-worth.<\/p>\n

In these depths of despair, I couldn\u2019t see a way out of this cycle. It seemed anywhere I turned pushed me further and further away from getting to a safe place physically, mentally, and emotionally. I looked around and within and realized that my self-worth had been damaged long before I even realized it was possible. This made me really question myself.<\/p>\n

Was it me? Was this normal behavior, and I was the one in the wrong? I knew deep down inside that wasn\u2019t the case, but I was stuck in quicksand being guided by those who kept my head above, but my feet locked in.<\/p>\n

I kept busy with school and helping others because I couldn\u2019t help myself and I never wanted people to feel alone and like me. I kept up the smiles and laughter, but I was hurting so bad. Part of me thought that this was normal. This was all I knew and saw. But nothing about this was normal no matter how many people tried to justify it. Nothing about my self-worth, relationships, and life were normal.<\/p>\n

I constantly blamed my anxiety. But when I take a more in-depth look, I allowed my anxiety to be a scapegoat for their inability to truly love me, and for me to love myself.<\/p>\n

As I sat there, and realized all of this and its consequences, I just wanted to continue to abuse myself, abuse my body. The irony in that statement, and the sadness when I think about it sends goosebumps up my arm. How was I going to break this cycle, this avalanche effect?<\/p>\n

Everyone and no one around me could understand what I chose to not disclose or disclose without detail. I knew I was alone in this battle. This was because only I could make amends with myself. I had to choose to forgive myself and work my butt off to not hate myself.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s like starting over again. Some days are unbearable. Some days are just painful. Some days I see the beauty in the little things that I used to overlook. I see a new strength in my weakness, a healthy pride in my humility, and perseverance in every step I make. This journey in the end is about loving myself so much, so relentlessly, that because they said they love me doesn\u2019t take away from the love that I already have for myself. And hopefully, their love adds to my complete self.<\/p>\n

By Lady B (check out her website)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Because They Said They Loved Me: I Let Them Define My Worth As I sit and look at the title, I am overwhelmed with emotions: anger, sadness, disbelief, and a whole lotta truth. I let them define my worth. I allowed them to take control over my life. How? Why? 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