{"id":21198,"date":"2012-10-13T18:43:11","date_gmt":"2012-10-13T22:43:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/watchwomanonthewall\/?p=21198"},"modified":"2012-10-13T18:43:11","modified_gmt":"2012-10-13T22:43:11","slug":"follow-these-14-simple-tests-before-you-decide-to-have-children","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/2012\/10\/follow-these-14-simple-tests-before-you-decide-to-have-children.html","title":{"rendered":"FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN:"},"content":{"rendered":"

Test 1<\/strong><\/span><\/span>
\n<\/span><\/span>
\n\"\"<\/a> Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.<\/p>\n

Test 2<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.<\/p>\n

Test 3<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

To discover how the nights will feels:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 – 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.<\/p>\n

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.<\/p>\n

3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.<\/p>\n

4.Set the alarm for 3am.<\/p>\n

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.<\/p>\n

6. Go to bed at 2.45am.<\/p>\n

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.<\/p>\n

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.<\/p>\n

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.<\/p>\n

10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>LOOK CHEERFUL.<\/p>\n

Test 4<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:<\/p>\n

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.<\/p>\n

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.<\/p>\n

3. Time allowed for this: 5 minutes.<\/p>\n

Test 5<\/strong><\/span><\/span>
\n<\/span><\/span>
\nForget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don’t think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.<\/p>\n

2. Leave it there.<\/p>\n

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd player.<\/p>\n

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.<\/p>\n

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.<\/p>\n

Test 6<\/strong><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Get ready to go out<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

1. Wait<\/p>\n

2. Go out the front door<\/p>\n

3. Come back in again<\/p>\n

4. Go out<\/p>\n

5. Come back in again<\/p>\n

6. Go out again<\/p>\n

7. Walk down the front path<\/p>\n

8. Walk back up it<\/p>\n

9. Walk down it again<\/p>\n

10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.<\/p>\n

12. Retrace your steps<\/p>\n

13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.<\/p>\n

14. Give up and go back into the house.<\/p>\n

15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.<\/p>\n

Test 7<\/strong><\/span>
\n<\/span>
\nRepeat everything you say at least 5 times.<\/p>\n

Test 8<\/strong><\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n\"\"<\/a>Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.<\/p>\n

Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.<\/p>\n

Test 9<\/strong><\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n1. Hollow out a melon<\/p>\n

2. Make a small hole in the side<\/p>\n

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side<\/p>\n

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.<\/p>\n

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.<\/p>\n

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.<\/p>\n

Test 10<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.<\/p>\n

Test 11<\/strong><\/span>
\n<\/span>
\nCan you stand the mess children make? To find out:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains<\/p>\n

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.<\/p>\n

3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean walls.<\/p>\n

4. Cover the stains with crayon.<\/p>\n

5. How does that look?<\/p>\n

Test 12<\/strong><\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n\"\"<\/a>Make a recording of someone shouting “Mummy” repeatedly. Important: no more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy – occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet if required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.<\/p>\n

Test 13<\/strong><\/span>
\n<\/span>
\n\"\"<\/a>Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there’s a child in the room.<\/p>\n

Test 14<\/strong><\/span>
\n<\/span>
\nPut on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:<\/p>\n

1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it<\/p>\n

2. Stir<\/p>\n

3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt<\/p>\n

4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel<\/p>\n

6. Do not change, you have no time.<\/p>\n

7. Go directly to work<\/p>\n

You are now ready to have kids. ENJOY!!!<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0 \"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>
And here’s Daddy!<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

<\/strong>\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193
\nPLEASE SCROLL DOWN TO <\/strong>
\n<\/span><\/span><\/span>\u201cFILED UNDER\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/strong>
\n<\/span><\/span><\/span>CLICK ON ANY OF THOSE TOPICS TO TAKE YOU TO SIMILAR POSTINGS<\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Posted by Donna Calvin<\/a> \u2014 Saturday, October 13, 2012
\n<\/span><\/span>Please share this Watchwoman post on Facebook, Linkedin, Google+1, Twitter to all your friends.
\nClick \u201cLike\u201d, Share, and Leave Comments.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/strong>Visit Word Warriorette, a free Yahoo Group, and subscribe to be notified (one email a day) of new posts on Watchwoman.<\/em><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/strong>
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DISCLAIMER: Beliefnet puts paid advertisements on \u201cWatchwoman on the Wall\u201d blog site including some that would never be approved of by the King James Bible, Pastor Ernie Sanders of Doers of the Word Church, What\u2019s Right-What\u2019s Left Radio Ministry, the Voice of the Christian Resistance, Geauga County Right to Life and Donna Calvin.\u00a0 We at <\/span><\/span><\/em>www.WRWL.org<\/em><\/span><\/span><\/a><\/span><\/span> do not condone, endorse, adhere to, practice or believe in many of the topics and some of what other bloggers promote or their religions at Beliefnet.\u00a0 However, Mrs. Calvin has no control of what Beliefnet displays.\u00a0\u00a0 She blogs at Beliefnet because she is in the missionary field ministering to true believers posting articles and commentaries informing pro-life, conservative Christians of recent anti-Christian acts and hostile legislation to God\u2019s Agenda and His Will for the world.\u00a0 Hopefully, unbelievers will read these along with the salvation message of Jesus Christ as written in the Gospel of John, Chapter 3, according to the King James Bible, and be saved.\u00a0 A missionary must go into the unbelievers\u2019 territory to reach them.\u00a0 Her mission is to Proclaim Warning to a Nation that has forgotten their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the only Truth, the Life, and the only Way to the One God the Father. (Posted 10\/13\/12)<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

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\n<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/span>~\u2020~<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Test 1 Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":403,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[453,181,627],"tags":[63,6301,6303,5275,9336,3414,6304,6302,218],"class_list":["post-21198","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-children-2","category-humor","category-true-love","tag-children","tag-family-humor","tag-fathers","tag-hilarious","tag-humor","tag-humr","tag-humr-hilarious","tag-mothers","tag-parents"],"yoast_head":"\nFOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN: - Watchwoman on the Wall<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/2012\/10\/follow-these-14-simple-tests-before-you-decide-to-have-children.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN: - Watchwoman on the Wall\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Test 1 Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. 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