{"id":2015,"date":"2011-05-26T18:12:21","date_gmt":"2011-05-26T22:12:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/watchwomanonthewall\/?p=2015"},"modified":"2011-05-26T18:12:21","modified_gmt":"2011-05-26T22:12:21","slug":"humor-only-in-america-can-we-joke-about-the-tsa","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/2011\/05\/humor-only-in-america-can-we-joke-about-the-tsa.html","title":{"rendered":"HUMOR: Only in America can we joke about the TSA…"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\"\"<\/dt>\n
ROTFLOL<\/dd>\n<\/dl>\n<\/div>\n

“According to the TSA, most of the people protesting the new body search procedures are men. At last they’re getting to see what it’s like to be groped by someone who won’t take no for an answer.” \u2013Jay Leno<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

“Yesterday a woman wore a bikini to LAX airport hoping to avoid the patdown. She is still being patted down.” \u2013Conan O’Brien<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Have you heard the TSA’s new slogan? ‘We handle more junk than eBay.'” -Jay Leno<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

“The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I’d be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer.” \u2013Jay Leno<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

“This year marks the first Thanksgiving in which travelers will get molested before they get to their uncle’s house.” -Seth Meyers<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

“‘Has anyone handled your bags?’ ‘Yes. You. Right now.'” -Seth Meyers<\/strong><\/p>\n

“The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers before Thanksgiving weekend. They say not to bring food, sharp tools, or any shred of dignity.” \u2013Jimmy Fallon<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

“Hillary Clinton said on CBS that she would not submit to a pat-down, to which Bill Clinton said, ‘Tell me about it.'” \u2013Jay Leno<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

“The TSA has changed airport security guidelines. Now you can have an extensive body pat-down or a naked scan. I think I speak for everybody when I say, “Hey, why can’t we have both?” \u2013David Letterman<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

“In San Diego, a man refused to be patted down by airport security and some people are calling him a hero. I don’t mind being patted down by airport security, but I don’t like it when the guy says, ‘Now you do me.'” \u2013Conan O’Brien<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

“The major pilots unions are complaining about the use of full-body scanners and these pat-down techniques at the airport. Pilots say the searches make it almost impossible for them to smuggle in liquor.” \u2013Jay Leno<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

“The day before Thanksgiving is National Opt-Out Day, where people are being asked to boycott the TSA’s full-body scanners. Sponsors of the event say people shouldn’t be made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable while traveling. That’s what Thanksgiving with your family is for.” \u2013Jimmy Fallon<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

“It was bad enough when the TSA agents would go through your underwear in your luggage. Now they’re going through your underwear while you’re wearing it.” \u2013Jay Leno<\/strong><\/p>\n

“Now, to make it worse, the airlines are charging a $15 molestation fee.” \u2013Jay Leno<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

“You can opt out of the full-body scan and choose the alternative, letting the TSA touch your T&A. It’s just like an 8th grade basement make-out party, except instead of your mother interrupting, she\u2019s getting stroked in the next line.” \u2013Stephen Colbert<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

“One of those airport naked scan images ended up on the internet. And you know who it was? Brett Favre. What are the odds?” \u2013Jay Leno<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

“TSA Chief John Pistole says he and his boss Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano have each personally received the more invasive TSA patdown. They both had it. Ya, it’s been called the world’s least sexy threesome.” \u2013Conan O’Brien<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

“TSA agents can now feel the inside of passengers’ thighs. I get more action going through airline security than I did all through high school.” \u2013Jimmy Kimmel<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

“At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what\u2019s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.” \u2013Jay Leno<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Becoming a TSA Agent”<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

10. “Do I need a degree in groping?”<\/span><\/strong>
\n 9. “Am I only doing this for the sweet TSA uniform?”<\/span><\/strong>
\n 8. “If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?”<\/span><\/strong>
\n 7. “Will I enjoy being cursed at 40 hours a week for minimum wage?”<\/span><\/strong>
\n 6. “If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?” That was No. 8. Who checks these things anyway?<\/span><\/strong>
\n 5. “Should I practice by frisking people on the street?”<\/span><\/strong>
\n 4. “In five years, whose pants do I see my hands in?”<\/span><\/strong>
\n 3. “Do I really want to know what a fat guy’s thighs feel like?”<\/span><\/strong>
\n 2. “May I frisk myself?”<\/span><\/strong>
\n 1. “What’s the closest airport to Shakira’s house?”<\/span><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Ways To Make Airport Security More Pleasant”<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

10. For $10, screeners will give you luxurious shiatsu massage<\/strong><\/span>
\n 9. To your left, x-ray conveyor belt; to your right, complimentary hot buffet<\/strong><\/span>
\n 8. Passenger’s naked body scan ends up on YouTube \u2014 hey, that joke was in the monologue<\/strong><\/span>
\n 7. Anyone caught with something suspicious has to eat it<\/strong><\/span>
\n 6. You can watch other passengers get groped for 99 cents a minute<\/strong><\/span>
\n 5. Guess the TSA agent’s weight and you can bring any liquid on board<\/strong><\/span>
\n 4. Passengers have option to be frisked by security or airport Cinnabon employee<\/strong><\/span>
\n 3. Pipe in soft rock classics from the ’70s, ’80s, ’90s, and today<\/strong><\/span>
\n 2. Concludes with a good luck pat on the butt<\/strong><\/span>
\n 1. Vibrating wands<\/strong><\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

SOURCE<\/a><\/strong> About Political Humor<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

ROTFLOL “According to the TSA, most of the people protesting the new body search procedures are men. At last they’re getting to see what it’s like to be groped by someone who won’t take no for an answer.” \u2013Jay Leno “Yesterday a woman wore a bikini to LAX airport hoping to avoid the patdown. She…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":403,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[181,836],"tags":[844,843,9336,840,842],"class_list":["post-2015","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","category-transportation-security-administration-tsa","tag-airline-security","tag-airlines-2","tag-humor","tag-pat-downs","tag-tsa"],"yoast_head":"\nHUMOR: Only in America can we joke about the TSA... - Watchwoman on the Wall<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/2011\/05\/humor-only-in-america-can-we-joke-about-the-tsa.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"HUMOR: Only in America can we joke about the TSA... - Watchwoman on the Wall\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"ROTFLOL “According to the TSA, most of the people protesting the new body search procedures are men. At last they’re getting to see what it’s like to be groped by someone who won’t take no for an answer.” \u2013Jay Leno “Yesterday a woman wore a bikini to LAX airport hoping to avoid the patdown. She…\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/2011\/05\/humor-only-in-america-can-we-joke-about-the-tsa.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Watchwoman on the Wall\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2011-05-26T22:12:21+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"http:\/\/photos3.fotosearch.com\/bthumb\/CSP\/CSP424\/k4248889.jpg\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Donna Calvin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"HUMOR: Only in America can we joke about the TSA... - Watchwoman on the Wall","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/2011\/05\/humor-only-in-america-can-we-joke-about-the-tsa.html","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"HUMOR: Only in America can we joke about the TSA... - Watchwoman on the Wall","og_description":"ROTFLOL “According to the TSA, most of the people protesting the new body search procedures are men. At last they’re getting to see what it’s like to be groped by someone who won’t take no for an answer.” \u2013Jay Leno “Yesterday a woman wore a bikini to LAX airport hoping to avoid the patdown. She…","og_url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/2011\/05\/humor-only-in-america-can-we-joke-about-the-tsa.html","og_site_name":"Watchwoman on the Wall","article_published_time":"2011-05-26T22:12:21+00:00","og_image":[{"url":"http:\/\/photos3.fotosearch.com\/bthumb\/CSP\/CSP424\/k4248889.jpg"}],"author":"Donna Calvin","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/2011\/05\/humor-only-in-america-can-we-joke-about-the-tsa.html","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/2011\/05\/humor-only-in-america-can-we-joke-about-the-tsa.html","name":"HUMOR: Only in America can we joke about the TSA... - Watchwoman on the Wall","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/2011\/05\/humor-only-in-america-can-we-joke-about-the-tsa.html#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/2011\/05\/humor-only-in-america-can-we-joke-about-the-tsa.html#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"http:\/\/photos3.fotosearch.com\/bthumb\/CSP\/CSP424\/k4248889.jpg","datePublished":"2011-05-26T22:12:21+00:00","dateModified":"2011-05-26T22:12:21+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/#\/schema\/person\/1470e1ef6765f8a27f970307b0835df1"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/2011\/05\/humor-only-in-america-can-we-joke-about-the-tsa.html#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/2011\/05\/humor-only-in-america-can-we-joke-about-the-tsa.html"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/2011\/05\/humor-only-in-america-can-we-joke-about-the-tsa.html#primaryimage","url":"http:\/\/photos3.fotosearch.com\/bthumb\/CSP\/CSP424\/k4248889.jpg","contentUrl":"http:\/\/photos3.fotosearch.com\/bthumb\/CSP\/CSP424\/k4248889.jpg"},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/2011\/05\/humor-only-in-america-can-we-joke-about-the-tsa.html#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"HUMOR: Only in America can we joke about the TSA…"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/","name":"Watchwoman on the Wall","description":"Beliefnet Voices - Donna Calvin","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/#\/schema\/person\/1470e1ef6765f8a27f970307b0835df1","name":"Donna Calvin","description":"In sixth grade my teacher told us that we were going to be the first generation to see the year 2000 and all things would be different. He continued that God wasn't important, wasn't real, and our parents just used God to impose restrictions on us because they were inadequate to parent effectively. I knew then I was going to be involved in a war and that I would have to be in Jesus Christ's Army. Even then, I knew the United States of America would cease to exist without the vast majority of its citizens voluntarily submitting to the Perfect and Good Laws of the Holy Bible. I am a woman who loves the Lord Jesus Christ. I am tired of seeing our LORD denigrated from the school house to the White House. I search the Internet for items that ought to serve as a warning to Americans and Christians all through America, but the nation seems to be sleeping. Wake up America! You are losing your freedoms, your children and your country. Wake up and help stop it!","url":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/author\/dcalvin"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2015","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/403"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2015"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2015\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2025,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2015\/revisions\/2025"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2015"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2015"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2015"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}