{"id":12405,"date":"2012-02-10T19:29:23","date_gmt":"2012-02-11T00:29:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/watchwomanonthewall\/?p=12405"},"modified":"2012-02-10T19:38:17","modified_gmt":"2012-02-11T00:38:17","slug":"get-that-tongue-outta-your-check-rotflol","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/watchwomanonthewall\/2012\/02\/get-that-tongue-outta-your-check-rotflol.html","title":{"rendered":"Get that tongue outta your check! ROTFLOL!"},"content":{"rendered":"

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ST. AMABO<\/strong><\/h1>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

By Lee Duigon<\/span><\/strong><\/div>\n

February 9, 2012
\nNewsWithViews.com<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

Do you ever wonder where the current occupier of the White House gets his theology? I mean all that creepy stuff about \u201cJesus wants you to pay more taxes, so I can give your hard-earned money to my good-for-nothing constituents,\u201d ordering the Catholic Church to pay for birth control, giving the keynote speech at a pro-abortion rally, putting Mohammed on a par with Christ\u2026 and all the time insisting he\u2019s a Christian.<\/p>\n

No, you won\u2019t find any of that in the Bible. But you will find it in a certain religious document whose existence has been kept a secret\u2014until now.<\/p>\n

We are talking about a long-lost ancient scroll, the Gospel according to St. Abamo. It was discovered four years ago in an adult bookstore in Chicago, and has been authenticated by a secret committee of experts headed by the Right Reverend Suzie Pantyhose, the first transgender bishop of the Peoples Liberation Church in America.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe committee\u2019s finding was unanimous,\u201d he, she, or it said. \u201cThere wasn\u2019t a single vote against it.\u201d<\/p>\n

In addition to Bishop Pantyhose, the committee, described as \u201cvery diverse,\u201d consisted of a gay activist, a union organizer, a university professor of gender studies, and a frog.<\/p>\n

The committee found that the Gospel of St. Amabo was originally written in Kenya, or maybe Indonesia or Hawaii, and then suppressed, in the 4th century, by \u201cthe 1% of racist, bigoted, homophobic churchmen who didn\u2019t like it.\u201d A customer at the adult bookstore found it in an unlikely place, quickly realized its importance, and hand-delivered it to someone in Chicago identified only as \u201ca close friend of the president\u201d and whose initials are Bill Ayres.<\/p>\n

Who was St. Amabo? No one really knows. All that can be said of him for certain is that he wrote in English and attended \u201ca famous school of higher education\u201d which never released his grades.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe fact that he wrote in English centuries before there was an England,\u201d Bishop Pantyhose explained, \u201cjust goes to prove that the English language was invented somewhere else.\u201d<\/p>\n

In St. Amabo\u2019s Gospel, a character called \u201cJesus\u201d is depicted as a roving community organizer who collected taxes above and beyond those demanded by the Romans. [Note: We are fully persuaded that this cannot be Jesus Christ Our Lord; but we are not the president. To avoid any hint of blasphemy, let us call this character \u201cAl Linsky.\u201d] Throughout Judea\u2014which he calls Palestine\u2014Al Linsky sets up abortion clinics, prophesies a rise in sea levels due to SUVs and toilet paper, officiates at same-sex weddings, and promises his followers big chunks of other people\u2019s money. He is shown as feasting lavishly on imported Kobe beef, larks\u2019 tongues, and other costly delicacies. Every few weeks, he goes on a luxury vacation paid for by his followers. Sentenced to be crucified, he is pardoned at the last minute and retires to a palatial estate paid for by other people\u2019s money.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo wonder they suppressed it!\u201d says a close adviser to the president. This person wishes to remain anonymous. He, she, or it added, \u201cComrade President reads a chapter of St. Amabo every night before he shreds the Constitution. You wouldn\u2019t believe how many lines of his speeches he steals from St. Amabo.\u201d<\/p>\n

Among the president\u2019s favorite verses are these.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd they said unto him, What must we do, to gain eternal life? And he answering said, Sell all that thou hast, give me all the money, and sign up for government health care.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSuffer the little children to come unto me, and I will abort them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo man can serve two masters: therefore, serve thou the government, and give me all your money.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd when he had fed loaves and fishes to the five thousand, behold: in the next town there were ten thousand who had no loaves and fishes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd the three blind men entreated him, Master, restore our sight. And Al Linsky said unto them, Behold, I will do a thing that will make thee feel even better than having thine own sight restored; and he spoke words of power, and made all the men\u2019s neighbors blind as well. And they rejoiced in that they were now made equal.\u201d<\/p>\n

Well, now we know why the president doesn\u2019t bother to go to Jeremiah Wright\u2019s church anymore. He\u2019s found something much better than \u201cGod damn America.\u201d<\/p>\n

He has discovered \u201cGod bleed America, and drain her dry.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a9 2012 Lee Duigon – All Rights Reserved<\/p>\n

Lee Duigon, a contributing editor with the Chalcedon Foundation, is a former newspaper reporter and editor, small businessman, teacher, and horror novelist. He has been married to his wife, Patricia, for 34 years. See his new fantasy\/adventure novels, Bell Mountain and The Cellar Beneath the Cellar, available on\u00a0www.amazon.com<\/a><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

Source:\u00a0http:\/\/www.newswithviews.com\/Duigon\/lee134.htm<\/a>
\n<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO ST. AMABO By Lee Duigon February 9, 2012 NewsWithViews.com Do you ever wonder where the current occupier of the White House gets his theology? I mean all that creepy stuff about \u201cJesus wants you to pay more taxes, so I can give your hard-earned money to my good-for-nothing constituents,\u201d ordering the…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":403,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3075,3100,1367,701,2617,1502,181,1354,35,2492,3069,3121,108,484,2838,806,3237,1802],"tags":[4362,4363,4364],"class_list":["post-12405","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-absolute-truths-that-may-not-be-so-absolute","category-big-brother-is-here","category-deceptions-and-lies","category-democrats","category-fun-and-games","category-godlessness","category-humor","category-liberals","category-obama","category-on-the-lighter-side-of-the-news","category-politically-incorrect","category-radical-change-towards-tyranny-dictatorship","category-religion","category-taxes-2","category-wake-up-america","category-warning","category-whackos","category-you-decide","tag-bishop-pantyhose","tag-gospel-of-st-amabo","tag-tongue-in-cheek"],"yoast_head":"\nGet that tongue outta your check! 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