<\/p>\n
A few years ago, I learned the word “codependent.” It came
\nwith an explanation: “It’s when, instead of basing your feelings upon yourself,
\nyou base them upon another person. It’s like you wake up in the morning, put a
\nthermometer in your spouse’s mouth, and then decide how you feel based upon the
\nthermometer’s reading.” I could relate. When Peter is unhappy, I tend to take
\nhis feelings upon myself, as if I’m responsible for them, even when I’m not.
\nAnd sometimes I have a hard time taking my own temperature, so to speak,
\nespecially if someone I love has a fever. <\/p>\n
When Penny started betraying her own codependent traits, I
\ngot worried. I’ve written before about her desire to please the adults in her
\nlife. She frequently asks, “Happy, Mom?” especially after she’s done something
\nwrong and wants to make sure she hasn’t lost favor with me. And much as it
\nhelps bring peace to our home to have a daughter who is eager to please, I
\nworry that she is learning that her life is a performance. I worry that she bases
\nher own happiness upon the happiness of those around her. <\/p>\n
I brought up my concerns with one of Penny’s teachers the
\nother day. “Well,” she said, “Maybe you could start reflecting the question
\nback to her. After she achieves something, instead of letting her ask if you’re
\nhappy, just ask, ‘How does it make you<\/i>
\nfeel that you… climbed that ladder… drew that picture… controlled your hands?'”<\/p>\n
As usual, the lessons for my four-year old are lessons for
\nme too. I don’t want to base my mood upon the people around me, and yet I also
\nwant to be aware of how they are feeling and how my actions affect them. I
\ndon’t want to be codependent, and yet I don’t want to cut myself off from the
\nresponsibilities of my relationships. So I will try to teach Penny not only to
\nwonder how other people feel but also how she feels. And I’ll try to teach
\nmyself the same thing. <\/i><\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A few years ago, I learned the word “codependent.” It came with an explanation: “It’s when, instead of basing your feelings upon yourself, you base them upon another person. It’s like you wake up in the morning, put a thermometer in your spouse’s mouth, and then decide how you feel based upon the thermometer’s reading.”…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":88,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-265","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-family"],"yoast_head":"\n