FEBRUARY<\/em><\/p>\n
\u00a0Is when we celebrate love. It is an ideal time to think about loving and caring for ourselves, which is where all love and nurturing comes from. We can\u2019t say, \u201cI love you\u201d unless we can say, \u201cI\u201d!<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nBy Shai Dhali<\/a>\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n
Two years ago in February I flew to India from Canada and on February 14, 2010, circumstances pushed me through a doorway where I\u2019d find what I\u2019d always been looking for: Love.\u00a0 At the time, I kept a journal on dhali.ca<\/a> that readers from many corners of the world followed as if these were chapters in the book they read every night. (I saved all your comments<\/a>.) I had planned on making the journal entries into stories but I haven\u2019t done so yet. Instead, I\u2019ve been wordlessly living what I learned. Love is a wordless activity.<\/p>\n
What unfolded for me in India changed how I relate to my own place in humanity but only my closest friends would notice such a change because I\u2019m still living and working in the same places as I was back then. However, what emanates and flows from me is very different.\u00a0Love is my friend now; not something I\u2019m trying to get from anyone else. For 10 years I had been actively looking for Love and when I found it, it was as if I didn\u2019t know it had been etched into the fibers of my being all along.<\/p>\n
Prior to this awakening, I started out 10 years earlier coming home from the library with an armload of self-help books and I\u2019d do what they instructed: forgive ex-boyfriends, better myself, dissect the past to fix what was \u2018wrong\u2019 with me, ask friends to set me up, join a dating site and go out all the time to do the activities I enjoy because then, said the experts who wrote the books, I\u2019d meet a guy with similar interests (especially when I wasn\u2019t looking).<\/p>\n
I did all this for years while friends around me did no self-improvement but still coupled, married, divorced and found \u201clove\u201d again. It didn\u2019t matter that I was young, thin, with glowing skin and had dealt with all my hang-ups.\u00a0 Even rounder people with blemishes had companions. Even the homeless lady who purposefully hit passers-by had someone. On Valentine\u2019s Day one year, couples were holding hands at every corner of the intersection and it bothered me.<\/p>\n
Then I switched off and for 2 years turned to attaining peace with just how I was, how circumstances were\u2026and unlike what chipper, coupled people said, \u2018it\u2019 didn\u2019t happen when I wasn\u2019t looking. What happened instead is India.<\/p>\n
When it comes to Love, no matter how much I can learn from instructional words about any other subject, the intellect cannot teach or reach the soul like the visceral can. I cannot teach you how I tapped into believing that Love is not a person; finding a companion to love is not the same as finding Love. I cannot even tell you how to get to the point where for me being solo generates more steadfast joy than being in a happy duo ever did for me.<\/p>\n
If you want to tap into this kind of Love, then close your ears (and eyes on Twitter) to anyone who quotes affirmations as advice. You will never get out of your head and entrust your heart that way but you will make other people rich. If you\u2019re looking for enduring Love, don\u2019t waste your time on anything that promises to help you find the \u201cperfect partner\u201d (no lists under your pillow) or helps you improve yourself with the intention that you become the match for the kind of person you\u2019re looking for. Really, if that\u2019s all you want, listen to chanteuse Jill Barber instead: \u201cAny Fool Can Fall in Love.<\/a>\u201d<\/p>\n
To help you get to Love, I can only pass on this warning: do not grasp on to any words I wrote here because when you do, when you quote, you\u2019re moving further and further from where you want to be. (Also, do not travel to India to \u201cfind yourself\u201d unless it\u2019s your heritage.) You know why? Because you\u2019re born with what you\u2019re looking for: a heart with boundless love for you and for more people than just that peevish \u201cPerfect Partner.\u201d\u00a0 Love is who you are. It\u2019s not someone to curl up with, have children with, or to make you feel special and vice versa.<\/p>\n
Those are just manifestations of it and the majority of people get caught up in caring for \u201cthe one\u201d so that they don\u2019t have time to nurture Love; the kind that can\u2019t abandon them and will sustain them when that \u201cone\u201d is gone. Is that enough for you? Apparently it wasn\u2019t for me, though I was ignorant of it for years.<\/p>\n
Love is who I am. That\u2019s why none of the superficial displays of affection on Valentine\u2019s Day can make me feel empty-handed anymore. Love is who I am \u2013but don\u2019t quote me on that. One more thing, don\u2019t go looking to tap into the Love I\u2019m writing about; just be.
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\nDonna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife.<\/a> She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE\u2122<\/a><\/p>\n