{"id":2326,"date":"2017-08-23T06:00:23","date_gmt":"2017-08-23T10:00:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thequeenofmyself\/?p=2326"},"modified":"2017-08-18T18:07:41","modified_gmt":"2017-08-18T22:07:41","slug":"girl-thing-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thequeenofmyself\/2017\/08\/girl-thing-2.html","title":{"rendered":"It’s a Girl Thing Too (Part 2 of 3)"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Anna Moore, London Daily Mail<\/em><\/p>\n

\u2026continued from Monday\u2026.<\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s easy to sneer, but according to experts, it\u2019s quite natural to take stock at \u2018half-time\u2019. \u2018It\u2019s when your focus shifts from your CV \u2013 status, job, house, possessions \u2013 to your eulogy: who you really are and what gives your life meaning,\u2019 says therapist Andrew G Marshall, author of It\u2019s Not a Midlife Crisis, It\u2019s an Opportunity. For most of us, it isn\u2019t really about toyboys, tattoos or motorbikes \u2013 those are just common shortcuts we take to soothe our unease and avoid the bigger questions.<\/p>\n

For journalist Miranda Sawyer, 49, the crisis hit when she was 43, and it lasted five years. \u2018It felt traumatic,\u2019 she says. \u2018You wake up in the middle of your life and think, \u201cI\u2019ve been doing it all wrong.\u201d Midlife puts your choices under the spotlight, and mine seemed rubbish.\u2019<\/p>\n

Miranda\u2019s unease grew in the gap between what she\u2019d expected from life as a younger woman and what now looked likely to unfold. \u2018We all have dreams, and many of them are hard to fulfil,\u2019 says Miranda, who is married to the actor Michael Smiley and has two children.<\/p>\n

\u2018Then you reach a point when you realise those dreams are beyond you \u2013 you\u2019re never going to write that great novel or play for Manchester United. Maybe you expected to be madly in love with your partner, look amazing at 49, have a fantastic house and children who are doing well. Women are susceptible to setting themselves impossible standards.<\/p>\n

‘Mine started with wanting something quite basic \u2013 a garden \u2013 and realising we couldn\u2019t afford one in the area we live and where our children go to school. That started me obsessing over all the things I\u2019d done wrong in my life, and what I should have done differently.\u2019<\/p>\n

An Oxford graduate with a successful career, Miranda was gripped by an unfamiliar panic. She felt hopeless, bored and sad. \u2018At the same time, I was restricted in what I could do,\u2019 she says. \u2018I didn\u2019t want to leave my family, and my days were full with work and the children. My midlife crisis happened at night. I would regularly wake gripped with panic and despair.\u2019<\/p>\n

Miranda\u2019s decision to write a book, Out of Time, exploring her experience, was possibly a life-saver, because the best way through a midlife crisis, says Marshall, is to turn and face it.<\/p>\n

Happiness \u2013 according to research \u2013 is \u2018U-shaped\u2019. We tend to start on a high, but in middle age happiness dives as we build a life, struggle to provide and have little time left for fun. (One piece of research found that happiness hits lowest levels between 40 and 42.) A midlife crisis may strike at this moment, but if we listen and learn from it, the second half of our life can raise happiness levels again.<\/p>\n

For this to happen, though, we must avoid common mistakes. The first is to ignore unhappiness or drown it in drink. \u2018If you do this you risk drifting into depression, and you may become bitter and closed off,\u2019 says Marshall.<\/p>\n

The second is to seize on hits of instant gratification. \u2018Throwing yourself into an affair may feel good in the moment, but does it answer your questions? Will the same feelings return a few years later, when you are struggling to maintain relationships with an angry ex and estranged children, while juggling commitments and finances?<\/p>\n

\u2018The answer is to take the time to listen to your feelings,\u2019 says Marshall. \u2018You need to ask yourself three questions: \u201cWho am I?\u201d, \u201cWhat gives my life meaning?\u201d and \u201cWhat are my values?\u201d\u2019 Pause and take stock before you do anything hasty and irreversible (which might hurt others), such as selling your home or declaring time on your marriage.<\/p>\n

Exploring passions that you may have put on the back burner and looking at activities that nourished you in the past is key. Have you allowed important friendships to fall away? Finding ways to build meaning and pleasure into your life \u2013 whether it\u2019s a career change, education or a hobby \u2013 takes time.<\/p>\n

To be continued on Friday\u2026.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

* ***
\nDonna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife.<\/a> She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE\u2122<\/a><\/p>\n

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Anna Moore, London Daily Mail \u2026continued from Monday\u2026. It\u2019s easy to sneer, but according to experts, it\u2019s quite natural to take stock at \u2018half-time\u2019. \u2018It\u2019s when your focus shifts from your CV \u2013 status, job, house, possessions \u2013 to your eulogy: who you really are and what gives your life meaning,\u2019 says therapist Andrew…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":218,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,5],"tags":[40,13,200],"class_list":["post-2326","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-empowerment","category-midlife","tag-empowerment-2","tag-holistic-living","tag-midlife-crisis"],"yoast_head":"\nIt's a Girl Thing Too (Part 2 of 3) - The Queen of My Self<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thequeenofmyself\/2017\/08\/girl-thing-2.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"It's a Girl Thing Too (Part 2 of 3) - The Queen of My Self\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"By Anna Moore, London Daily Mail \u2026continued from Monday\u2026. 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