FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
\nTO: Everyone
\nDATE: December 1
\nRE: Christmas Party<\/p>\n
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols; feel free to sing along. And don’t be\u00a0surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!<\/p>\n
===================================================<\/p>\n
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
\nDATE: December 2
\nRE: Christmas Party<\/p>\n
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.<\/p>\n
Happy now?<\/p>\n
================================================================<\/p>\n
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
\nDATE: December 3
\nRE: Holiday Party<\/p>\n
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous \u00a0requesting a non-drinking table (you didn’t sign your name…): I’m\u00a0happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that\u00a0reads “AA Only,” you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?<\/p>\n
================================================================<\/p>\n
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
\nDATE: December 7
\nRE: Holiday Party<\/p>\n
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can\u00a0appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party; the days are so short this time of\u00a0year. Or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans.<\/p>\n
Will that work?<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit\u00a0farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?<\/p>\n
================================================================<\/p>\n
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
\nDATE: December 8
\nRE: Holiday Party<\/p>\n
So, December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the\u00a0burning of sage by our “earth-based Goddess-worshipping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks.<\/p>\n
Okay???<\/p>\n
================================================================<\/p>\n
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
\nDate: December 9
\nRE: Holiday Party<\/p>\n
People, people: nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus – even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be\u00a0“Satan.” There is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red\u00a0suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family\u00a0feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day.<\/p>\n
Could we lighten up?<\/p>\n
================================================================<\/p>\n
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
\nDATE: December 10
\nRE: Holiday Party<\/p>\n
Vegetarians!? I’ve had it with you people! We’re going to keep\u00a0this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so\u00a0you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as\u00a0you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your #$%^&*! Salad Bar, including\u00a0hydroponic tomatoes – but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes\u00a0scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them\u00a0scream right now!<\/p>\n
======================================================<\/p>\n
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
\nDATE: December 14
\nRE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party<\/p>\n
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery\u00a0and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In\u00a0the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and\u00a0give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.<\/p>\n
Happy Chanuk-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas<\/p>\n
* ***
\nDonna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife<\/em>.<\/a> She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE\u2122<\/a><\/p>\n