{"id":1825,"date":"2015-07-03T06:00:27","date_gmt":"2015-07-03T10:00:27","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thequeenofmyself\/?p=1825"},"modified":"2015-06-19T14:55:11","modified_gmt":"2015-06-19T18:55:11","slug":"message-from-another-queen","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thequeenofmyself\/2015\/07\/message-from-another-queen.html","title":{"rendered":"Message from Another Queen"},"content":{"rendered":"

 <\/p>\n

To the citizens of the United States of America<\/strong>
\nFrom\u00a0Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II<\/strong><\/p>\n

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent\u00a0candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,\u00a0we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,\u00a0effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the\u00a0Oxford English Dictionary.) \u00a0Her Sovereign Majesty Queen\u00a0Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,\u00a0commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not\u00a0fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a\u00a0Governor for America without the need for further elections.\u00a0Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. \u00a0A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To\u00a0aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following\u00a0rules are introduced with immediate effect:<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up ‘vocabulary’).<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
      \n
    1. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.\u00a0\u00a0 There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.\u00a0\u00a0 The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
        \n
      1. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
          \n
        1. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists.\u00a0\u00a0 The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.\u00a0\u00a0 Guns should only be used for shooting\u00a0grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot\u00a0grouse.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
            \n
          1. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
              \n
            1. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. \u00a0At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and\u00a0metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
                \n
              1. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10\/US gallon.\u00a0\u00a0 Get used to it.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
                  \n
                1. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling\u00a0potato chips are properly called crisps.\u00a0\u00a0 Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with\u00a0vinegar.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
                    \n
                  1. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.\u00a0\u00a0 Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.\u00a0\u00a0 Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.\u00a0\u00a0 They are also part of the British Commonwealth — see what it did for them.\u00a0\u00a0 American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
                      \n
                    1. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.\u00a0\u00a0 Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.\u00a0\u00a0 Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
                        \n
                      1. You will cease playing American football.\u00a0\u00a0 There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.\u00a0\u00a0 Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of nannies).<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
                          \n
                        1. Further, you will stop playing baseball.\u00a0\u00a0 It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which\u00a0is not played outside of America.\u00a0\u00a0 Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is\u00a0understandable.\u00a0\u00a0 You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
                            \n
                          1. You must tell us who killed JFK.\u00a0\u00a0 It’s been driving us mad.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
                              \n
                            1. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
                                \n
                              1. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                God Save the Queen!<\/p>\n

                                I received this as a forwarded anonymous email.<\/em><\/p>\n

                                 <\/p>\n

                                * ***
                                \nDonna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife<\/em>.<\/a> She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE\u2122<\/a><\/p>\n

                                The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n

                                 <\/p>\n

                                \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

                                  To the citizens of the United States of America From\u00a0Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent\u00a0candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,\u00a0we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,\u00a0effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the\u00a0Oxford English…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":218,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[13,18],"class_list":["post-1825","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-humor","tag-holistic-living","tag-queen"],"yoast_head":"\nMessage from Another Queen - The Queen of My Self<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thequeenofmyself\/2015\/07\/message-from-another-queen.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Message from Another Queen - The Queen of My Self\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"  To the citizens of the United States of America From\u00a0Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent\u00a0candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,\u00a0we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,\u00a0effective immediately. 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