{"id":1823,"date":"2015-07-01T06:00:54","date_gmt":"2015-07-01T10:00:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thequeenofmyself\/?p=1823"},"modified":"2015-06-19T14:47:30","modified_gmt":"2015-06-19T18:47:30","slug":"field-notes-on-an-empty-nest","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thequeenofmyself\/2015\/07\/field-notes-on-an-empty-nest.html","title":{"rendered":"Field Notes on an Empty Nest"},"content":{"rendered":"

By Cindy La Ferle (www.laferle.com<\/a>)<\/p>\n

Last week I found an empty bird\u2019s nest on the brick walk leading to our backyard. I\u2019m guessing the nest fell from a nearby silver maple; or maybe a neighbor found it while jogging and left it by the garden gate for us to admire.<\/p>\n

Not much larger than a cereal bowl, the nest now perches indoors on a shelf near my desk. Crafted from hundreds of delicate twigs, strands of grass, and patches of moss, it\u2019s truly a work of art \u2014 and a timely reminder to prepare for my son\u2019s return to college after the long summer break.<\/p>\n

Children of baby boomers are heading off to college in greater numbers than children of previous generations. At the same time, the age-old ritual of “letting go” is the final frontier for those of us who’ve made child rearing a major focus of our adult lives.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been discussing this tender rite of passage with other middle-aged parents. And we all agree there has to be a better term to describe our next season of parenting \u2014 something that doesn\u2019t sound as final or forlorn as \u201cThe Empty Nest.\u201d Our nests, after all, are not completely empty. Not yet.\u00a0My only child, for example, still has a bedroom here at home in addition to a loft in a crowded dormitory four hours away in South Bend, Indiana.<\/p>\n

Whatever you want to call it, this to-and-from college phase is a thorny adjustment for parents and their almost-adult kids. College students are bound to ignore house rules when they return home for summer and holiday breaks. (\u201cCurfew? What curfew?\u201d) Even the most agreeable families discover that this can be a volatile time \u2014 a time when teen-aged tempers ignite and middle-aged feelings get scorched. All said and done, we\u2019re all learning how to grow up and move on.<\/p>\n

A lot has changed since my son started college. I\u2019m still adjusting to the hollow echo of his (oddly) clean and empty bedroom, looking for remnants of my old self \u2014 my mothering self \u2014 in the bits and pieces he left behind. The family calendar in our kitchen has some blank spaces, too, and is no longer buried under neon-color sticky notes announcing band concerts, Quiz Bowl meets, school conferences, and carpool schedules. At first, this was not cause for celebration.\u00a0I\u2019d become what our high school mothers\u2019 club affectionately refers to as one of the \u201cAlumni Moms.\u201d<\/p>\n

While I suddenly found unlimited bolts of time to devote to my marriage and writing career, I mourned what I perceived to be the loss of my role as a hands-on parent. Despite the fact that I had a cleaner, quieter house, I missed all the athletic shoes and flip-flops piled near the back door. I missed the boisterous teenagers gathered around the kitchen counter, or in front of the television downstairs. I missed bumping into other parents at school functions, and wondered if life would ever be the same.<\/p>\n

Life isn\u2019t the same, but I\u2019m OK with that now. I\u2019ve come to realize that a mom is always a mom, even though her parenting role changes over time.<\/p>\n

Not long ago, I stayed at my own mother\u2019s place for a few weeks while I recovered from major surgery. When I apologized for disrupting her normal routine, she said, \u201cMy home will always be your home, too.\u201d I found comfort in knowing that. Yet at the same time, I missed my own house. And I felt grateful that Mom had encouraged me, years ago, to craft a life \u2014 and a home \u2014 of my own.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s hard to believe my son is packing for another year of college this week. The hall outside his bedroom is now an obstacle course of boxes, crates, and suitcases stuffed with everything he needs for the months ahead. I\u2019m still not very good at saying good-bye when his dad and I leave him at the dorm and steer our emptied SUV back to the expressway. I manage to compose myself until I notice the tearful parents of college freshmen going through this ritual for the first time. But it does get easier each term.<\/p>\n

So, is the nest half-full or half-empty?<\/p>\n

Reflecting on the small bird\u2019s nest perched near my desk, I\u2019ve come to believe that every family is a labor of love and a work in progress.\u00a0It\u2019s a bittersweet adjustment, but I\u2019m at peace with the idea that our household is just one stop on our son\u2019s way to his future.\u00a0He\u2019ll be flying back and forth over the next couple of years or so. And hopefully, patience and love will be the threads that weave our family together, no matter how far he travels.<\/p>\n

* ***
\nDonna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife<\/em>.<\/a> She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE\u2122<\/a><\/p>\n

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

—-—<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Cindy La Ferle (www.laferle.com) Last week I found an empty bird\u2019s nest on the brick walk leading to our backyard. I\u2019m guessing the nest fell from a nearby silver maple; or maybe a neighbor found it while jogging and left it by the garden gate for us to admire. 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