{"id":1022,"date":"2012-02-16T10:00:03","date_gmt":"2012-02-16T15:00:03","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/thequeenofmyself\/?p=1022"},"modified":"2012-02-09T22:33:08","modified_gmt":"2012-02-10T03:33:08","slug":"another-valentine-message","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thequeenofmyself\/2012\/02\/another-valentine-message.html","title":{"rendered":"Another Valentine Message"},"content":{"rendered":"

I have grown to love winter. It is a time of being home and laying low. A time of making soup and catching up on my ironing. A time of long, indulgent hot baths and slow starting mornings in bed with a cup of tea and a good book.<\/em><\/p>\n

During February I will be sharing articles about Domestic Queens, Introverted Queens, Privacy Seeking Queens, Self-Loving Queens, and Literary Queens. And as always, I ask you to please share your stories on these themes.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Let\u2019s Talk Conversation Hearts, okay?<\/strong><\/p>\n

By Wendi Knox<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

There\u2019s something about those kitschy little hearts that, well\u2026.speak to me.<\/p>\n

In fact, they just reminded me that maybe it\u2019s time we changed our conversation about Valentines Day.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t get me wrong.<\/p>\n

I love hearts.<\/p>\n

I love romance.<\/p>\n

And I especially love a holiday that\u2019s all about expressing love.<\/p>\n

But the \u201csweet nothings\u201d someone else whispers to us are not nearly as meaningful as the \u201cnot-so-sweet\u201d things that we say to ourselves.<\/p>\n

Whether we\u2019re married or single, in a flourishing relationship or one that\u2019s withering, the most important love connection we will ever make is with our own hearts.<\/p>\n

In fact, I\u2019d go so far as to say that every relationship in our lives is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. (And I bet my therapist would agree.)<\/p>\n

Where are those words of love to ourselves?<\/p>\n

Self-love isn\u2019t just about getting pedicures or taking bubble baths.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s about the words we choose and the tone we take when we talk to ourselves.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s face it, not too many of us look in the mirror and say, \u201cHey cutie\u201d or \u201cLuv ya.\u201d<\/p>\n

In fact, if you start paying attention to your self-talk, you\u2019ll hear things you\u2019d never dream of saying to someone else.<\/p>\n

We call ourselves names. (\u201cStupid\u201d and \u201cSloppy\u201d and \u201c_______\u201d. (Fill in with your favorite form of diminishment.)<\/p>\n

We compare and contrast our lips, skin, thighs, butts, stomachs, hair, love life, children, talents and \u201cyou-name-its\u201d to our friends and strangers, cover girls and movie stars.<\/p>\n

We analyze, scrutinize and terrorize ourselves with a judgmental \u201ctsk-tsk\u201d tone.<\/p>\n

Of course, we don\u2019t mean to treat our precious selves so harshly.\u00a0 But it\u2019s what we\u2019re programmed to do.<\/p>\n

Somewhere, somehow, we got the message it wasn\u2019t \u201cnice\u201d to love ourselves. And that we just plain weren\u2019t enough.<\/p>\n

Of course, our Inner Critics took it from there.<\/p>\n

(In fact, Edna, my Inner Critic, thinks this is my most ridiculous post yet.)<\/p>\n

But what I\u2019ve learned is, the more kindness, compassion, acceptance, patience and love we give ourselves, the more we receive from the outside world.<\/p>\n

So, in the spirit of self-love, here are five Valentine gifts you could easily give yourself:<\/p>\n

1. Baby yourself. We love babies unconditionally. Really, have you ever said \u201cYou dummy. Don\u2019t you know how to walk yet?\u201d<\/p>\n

We tell them \u201cGood try\u201d when they teeter on their wobbly little legs. We know they\u2019re learning and growing. And we love them for it. (Hint-hint.)<\/p>\n

2. See the good in You. Next time you look in the mirror, instead of automatically zeroing in on what you don\u2019t like, shift your focus.<\/p>\n

Find something positive to say. (Even if it\u2019s as little as \u201cWow, that pimple is almost gone.\u201d) Me? I\u2019m training myself to notice the color of my eyes instead of the dark circles under them.<\/p>\n

3. Ask and you\u2019ll receive. If you had a friend who looked absolutely exhausted, you probably wouldn\u2019t say, \u201cYou look like shit.\u201d You\u2019d more likely ask lovingly,\u201dAhhh, you\u2019ve been through it. What would make you feel better?\u201d\u00a0 Take the time to listen to your answer. That\u2019s self-love.<\/p>\n

4. Think before you speak. When my son was in kindergarten, he was taught to ask three questions before speaking to someone: \u201cIs it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?\u201d I never forgot those questions. And neither should you when talking to yourself.<\/p>\n

5. Change the conversation. You might want to make yourself some of your own little conversation hearts. They\u2019re not bad for your teeth. And all you need is some paper and a pen.<\/p>\n

Just tape your own little messages on your mirror, under your pillow or whatever you could use some love.<\/p>\n

And this year,why settle for just a Happy Valentines Day.<\/p>\n

Why not give yourself the gift of self-love all month long.<\/p>\n

One conversation at a time.<\/p>\n

*****<\/p>\n

Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife<\/a>. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE\u2122<\/a><\/p>\n

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to thequeenofmyself@aol.com<\/a>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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