\u201cThe term \u2018homosexual\u2019 is really a misnomer when it comes to lesbians,\u201d Kristin Katalin told me when we sat down to talk recently. \u201cThe more appropriate term would be \u2018homoemotional.\u2019 For most of us, it isn\u2019t about sex so much as it\u2019s about emotional intimacy.\u201d <\/p>\n
This made sense to me. As a straight woman, I\u2019ve never been physically attracted to other women, but I can understand the depth of empathy, understanding, and love that two women might share \u2013 something that many woman just don\u2019t find in their relationships with men. I know a number of women \u2013 older women in particular \u2013 who were married to men when they were younger, but partnered up with a woman later in life. I wanted to learn more, so I asked Kristin to tell me her story.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe first 29 years of my life, I lived as a fraud,\u201d Kristin began. \u201cI wanted desperately to be \u2018normal\u2019 (whatever that is) \u2013 just like everybody else. So I did the things that I thought others expected of me: I got an education and then a steady job; I found a very nice man and we moved in together; I went through the motions of day-to-day living and tried to fit in. On the outside I looked just fine \u2013 just an ordinary young woman living an ordinary life. But inside I was seriously depressed.<\/p>\n
\u201cFrom the age of nine or ten, I knew that I was different. I was physically attracted to boys, but I was emotionally attracted to girls. This was back in the 1950s, so of course, I kept my feelings to myself. In the 11th and 12th grades, I had my first romance with a young woman \u2013 we carefully guarded our secret. <\/p>\n
\u201cI went to college at the University of Michigan, where I tried to date men. For a while I went with an English guy \u2013 he was the sweetest man in the world. And there were others as well \u2013 some really wonderful guys. There was nothing wrong with any of them \u2013 it\u2019s just that I didn\u2019t feel that special something that I felt when I was attracted to a woman. <\/p>\n
\u201cI finished college, then went on to graduate school to earn an advanced degree in social work. I got a job as mental health coordinator at a clinic in Cambridge, Massachusetts. The irony in my career choice makes me smile today \u2013 here I was, helping others with their mental health, when my own was so precarious. \u2018You are as sick as your secrets\u2019 we always say \u2013 and my secret was a big one.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt certainly was,\u201d I said. \u201cHow much longer did you continue to have romantic relationships with men?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, I did,\u201d Kristin replied. \u201cI met a terrific young architect named Jim, and we moved in together. He was great husband material but I just couldn\u2019t bring myself to marry him, no matter what he said or did to convince me. I couldn\u2019t tell him the truth.<\/p>\n
\u201cFinally, when I was 27 or 28, I went off by myself on a trip to the Canadian Rockies. By now depression was so suffocating. I thought the only way out was to kill myself. I couldn\u2019t bear the thought of continuing to pretend to be somebody I wasn\u2019t for the rest of my life. I\u2019d rather be dead, I thought to myself.<\/p>\n
\u201cI had $12,000 in my savings account (I\u2019d always been a good saver) and so I decided to use that money to try to figure out if there was any hope for me. I committed to spending my money and the coming months finding out if there was another way for me to live. If I didn\u2019t find an answer by the end of my $12,000, I would kill myself. So I came out of the Rockies, went back to Cambridge, quit my job, broke up with Jim and moved out of our apartment. The coming months were to be \u2018do or die\u2019 \u2013 literally.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s pretty intense,\u201d I said. \u201cHow did you go about your search for an answer to your dilemma?\u201d <\/p>\n
\u201cI started taking workshops and exploring alternative therapies,\u201d Kristin continued. \u201cBut I still didn\u2019t come out \u2013 I kept hoping that perhaps I\u2019d find a way to live that didn\u2019t require me to risk the disapproval and stigma of being a gay woman. I learned a lot in those workshops. The amazing teachers opened my eyes to a world of self-understanding and healing that I did not know existed. My training in social work had been very traditional and all these alternative healing methodologies were unheard of in academic circles.<\/p>\n
\u201cOne day I was in a women\u2019s workshop and the facilitator asked, \u2018Have any of you ever been in love with a woman?\u201d I suddenly heard someone say, \u201cYes\u201d \u2013much to my horror, it was MY voice saying it! Ohmygod, what have I done? I thought. I panicked, saw a blanket in the corner, and bolted in that direction to hide under the blanket. I was shaking uncontrollably. <\/p>\n
\u201cI could hear everything going on in the workshop, muffled through the blanket. I cowered there waiting for the other workshop participants to do something \u2013 laugh, taunt me, tell me to get out, or some such thing. But they didn\u2019t do any of that. Instead, the workshop leader said softly, \u2018 think we should talk about what that experience was like.\u2019 <\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t budge. My fear was so intense that all I could do was huddle under that blanket and wait for the world to end \u2013 that\u2019s what I was convinced would happen if I ever admitted my secret. But the world didn\u2019t end. The workshop proceeded, and every once in a while, the instructor would walk over to the blanket repeat gently, \u2018I think we should talk about what that experience was like.\u2019<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know how long I cowered there shaking \u2013 an hour, maybe more. Finally, I was able to hear what the workshop leader was saying, \u2018I think WE should talk about what that experience was like.\u2019 She was including herself in \u2018WE.\u2019 With that realization, I was able to peek out from under the blanket and ask her, \u2018You, too?\u201d\u2019 She smiled and nodded.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s an incredible story, Kristin,\u201d I said. \u201cWhat a powerful experience of literally coming out of hiding and claiming your life.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, exactly,\u201d Kristin nodded. \u201cThat was 37 years ago. I count that day as my new birthday \u2013 for it\u2019s the day I came out of hiding. For the first 29 years of my life, fear controlled me \u2013 it controlled my career, my personal life, my relationships with family and friends. Fear had me boxed into a corner so that I literally had to be willing to die in order to live.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u201cThe term \u2018homosexual\u2019 is really a misnomer when it comes to lesbians,\u201d Kristin Katalin told me when we sat down to talk recently. \u201cThe more appropriate term would be \u2018homoemotional.\u2019 For most of us, it isn\u2019t about sex so much as it\u2019s about emotional intimacy.\u201d This made sense to me. As a straight woman, I\u2019ve…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":434,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[30,33,35,31,32,29,34],"class_list":["post-28","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-coming-out","tag-emotional-intimacy","tag-homosexuality","tag-lesbian-love","tag-secrets","tag-women","tag-women-loving-women"],"yoast_head":"\n