{"id":191,"date":"2019-08-23T05:30:08","date_gmt":"2019-08-23T05:30:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thepowerofpositivedoing\/?p=191"},"modified":"2019-08-23T05:30:08","modified_gmt":"2019-08-23T05:30:08","slug":"good-mourning","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thepowerofpositivedoing\/2019\/08\/good-mourning.html","title":{"rendered":"Good Mourning"},"content":{"rendered":"

My mother died five months ago, after more than ten years with Alzheimer’s. I was her primary caregiver for the last six of those years and we grew very close during that time. We had always had a close relationship over the years but there was something about the intimate nature of caregiving that drew us even closer. It seemed like\u00a0she became my daughter and my mother \u2013 both in the same person.<\/p>\n

In the months since her passing, the grief is more intense than I thought it would be. Since\u00a0she was sick for more than\u00a0a decade and I knew the Alzheimer\u2019s would ultimately kill her, I had plenty of\u00a0anticipatory grief in the years I took care of her. So I thought when the end finally came that I wouldn\u2019t have any grieving left to do. I was wrong.<\/p>\n

\""Emptiness"<\/a>
“Emptiness” by Albert Gyorgy<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Grief has been my teacher as well as my tormenter. I\u2019ve learned about love and loss \u2013\u00a0and about myself. I\u2019m sure there will be more\u00a0to learn more as the grief continues in the coming months, maybe years. Here’s what I\u2019ve learned so far:<\/p>\n

1. That which is shareable is bearable.<\/strong> It’s helpful and healing to share my feelings with others \u2013 with trusted friends, with supportive family members, and\/or with a support group (a grief support group, a 12-step group, or perhaps a support group at church). I try not to keep feelings bottled up inside \u2013 that only intensifies the pain or magnifies it in a way that might cause illness. We human beings are social creatures \u2013 we are designed to tend and befriend when we are under stress. We are built for sharing \u2013 the good stuff in life and the bad stuff too. We can lighten the load by sharing our grief with others.<\/p>\n

2. Don’t go to an empty well.<\/strong> While it’s important to share my feelings, it’s equally important \u2013 or maybe even more important \u2013 to be selective in choosing the people to open up to. I wouldn’t go to an empty well for water; likewise, I don\u2019t go to an empty well for emotional support. I know my friends and family \u2013 I know who the empty wells are and who the full wells are. I choose people who are good listeners, people who can be a loving witness to my journey. I turn to people who can hold a space for me. It\u2019s important to find folks who will refrain from giving advice or telling me how to grieve. I don’t need anyone to fix me, save me, or rescue me. Grieving is normal and natural \u2013 it’s not pathological \u2013\u00a0there\u2019s nothing that needs fixing.<\/p>\n

3.\u00a0 Allow plenty of time.<\/strong> I give myself permission to grieve for as long as it takes. It can take months \u2013 maybe even years. There is no set timetable for grieving. And if anyone tries to tell me “you should be over it by now,” I thank that person for their opinion but avoid them after that. I don’t want anyone to “should\u201d on me about my feelings. I honor my own process and my own timetable.<\/p>\n

4. Go where the love is.<\/strong> There are a number of places to turn for comfort and love. Sometimes a cup of coffee with a trusted friend is the soul soothing I\u2019m longing for. Other times, I just want to hug my cat for a while and bury my face in her soft fur. On some days, relief is found in the gym with my gentle trainer who guides me in moving, stretching, and working out the pain that abides in my body. Other days, the love I seek is in a support group with kindred spirits. And very often the solace I seek is to be found in prayer, meditation, journal writing, and\/or spiritual books.<\/p>\n

5. More shall be revealed.<\/strong> Grief is soul work. It\u2019s a physical, emotional, and spiritual experience. It\u2019s hard; it\u2019s painful; it\u2019s unpredictable and full of surprises. Each day presents its own challenges. All I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. And on those days when my feet won\u2019t move, I just rest. For I\u2019ve learned that when I\u2019m depressed<\/em> what I really need is deep-rest.<\/em><\/p>\n

\"Deep-rest.<\/a>
Deep-rest<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My mother died five months ago, after more than ten years with Alzheimer’s. I was her primary caregiver for the last six of those years and we grew very close during that time. We had always had a close relationship over the years but there was something about the intimate nature of caregiving that drew…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":434,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[207,206,202,203,204,201,205],"class_list":["post-191","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-depression","tag-emptiness","tag-grief","tag-grieving","tag-loss","tag-mourning","tag-sadness"],"yoast_head":"\nGood Mourning - The Power of Positive Doing<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Grief is soul work. It\u2019s a physical, emotional, and spiritual experience. 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