{"id":184,"date":"2019-08-03T22:56:02","date_gmt":"2019-08-03T22:56:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thepowerofpositivedoing\/?p=184"},"modified":"2019-08-03T22:56:02","modified_gmt":"2019-08-03T22:56:02","slug":"making-peace-with-our-parents-and-the-past","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thepowerofpositivedoing\/2019\/08\/making-peace-with-our-parents-and-the-past.html","title":{"rendered":"Making Peace with Our Parents and the Past"},"content":{"rendered":"

My\u00a0wise friend Jaime Jusidman once told me the story of a young woman with a suitor who loved her very much. The suitor came to her door clutching a bouquet of daisies to give her. \u201cWhere are my roses?\u201d she demanded. \u201cI want roses.\u201d Her suitor turned and went away.<\/p>\n

The next week he was back on her doorstep with another bunch of daisies. Upon seeing the flowers in his hand, the young woman said, \u201cWhere are my roses? I want roses.\u201d Again the suitor turned and went away.<\/p>\n

The following week the same thing happened. The suitor showed up at his true love\u2019s door with a bunch of daisies. The young woman said, \u201c Where are my roses? I want roses.\u201d And so again he left.<\/p>\n

This went on for several more weeks, until finally one week, the suitor didn\u2019t come. And he never came to her door again.<\/p>\n

Jaime explained to me that people love us in their own ways \u2013\u00a0but sometimes we don\u2019t recognize their love because it doesn\u2019t show up the way we think it should. Someone offers us daisies but we keep insisting on roses. After a while, the person who loves us may stop showing up at all if we fail to recognize his love in the way he expresses it.<\/p>\n

\"daisies_bouquet\"<\/a><\/p>\n

This parable isn\u2019t just for lovers \u2013\u00a0it\u2019s for anyone who wants to love and be loved. It\u2019s true of friends; it\u2019s true of siblings; it\u2019s true parents and children.<\/p>\n

I spent many years being angry and resentful with my dad for the way “he didn\u2019t love me.\u201d Dad’s structure and discipline felt cold and harsh. I wanted a father who doted on me. His perfectionism made him seem impossible to please, though I tried mightily. I wanted a dad who thought that everything I did was wonderful. His frugality felt unloving to me. I wanted a father who was generous. Dad kept giving me daisies and I kept looking for roses.<\/p>\n

I am embarrassed to admit that it took me many, many years to recognize the daisies for what they were \u2013\u00a0love. Both my parents loved me very much. It\u2019s just that their idea of how to be responsible parents was very different from what I had in mind. I wanted to be Daddy\u2019s little princess, but instead felt like Cinderella being forced to do dirty chores, like cleaning the bathroom, washing dinner dishes, and babysitting my little brother.<\/p>\n

Dad\u00a0was careful with money because he was a child of the Depression and he knew what it was like not to have enough food. He watched expenses like a hawk because he wanted to make sure that his children would never go hungry. He saved as much money as he possibly could, in case he died young \u2013\u00a0his children would not be farmed out to cousins, as he had been when his father died young. In short, my father had learned a hard kind of love \u2013 getting bounced around from family to family, to whoever could afford to feed him. He knew that children need to be taught important lessons right from the get-go, because life is harsh and you never know if the kids might be forced to fend for themselves. Dad was a military man who fought in three wars \u2013\u00a0so there was a very real chance that his career might make his wife a widow and his children orphans.<\/p>\n

I am very fortunate that my dad is still alive. And I\u2019m fortunate that my friend Jaime taught me how to recognize the daisies for what they were \u2013 love in the only way Dad knew how to show it.<\/p>\n

\"Dad,<\/a>
Dad, Mom, and me in 1951<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Most of all, I\u2019m fortunate to have found forgiveness in my heart \u2013\u00a0forgiveness for all the ways I was hurt by my parents, and forgiveness for myself for judging them so harshly for so long. I lost a lot of quality time with my family because I couldn\u2019t get past my resentments about the way they raised me.<\/p>\n

I know countless people who are still nursing deep resentments toward their parents and carrying around mountains of emotional baggage from childhood. My heart goes out to them because I know how much they are still suffering \u2013 I was once one of them.<\/p>\n

I am grateful that, through the grace of spiritual teachings and the help of some very wise friends, I was finally able to wake up and smell the daisies.<\/p>\n

\"9800305befe74b29771073f67f35343c\"<\/a><\/p>\n

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BJ’s new book, coauthored with Sam Beasley, is<\/em> Your Life Is Your Prayer<\/em> (Mango Publishing)<\/a>.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My\u00a0wise friend Jaime Jusidman once told me the story of a young woman with a suitor who loved her very much. The suitor came to her door clutching a bouquet of daisies to give her. \u201cWhere are my roses?\u201d she demanded. \u201cI want roses.\u201d Her suitor turned and went away. The next week he was…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":434,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[196,199,198,200,197],"class_list":["post-184","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-forgiveness","tag-forgiving-family","tag-forgiving-others","tag-forgiving-parents","tag-making-peace-with-the-past"],"yoast_head":"\nMaking Peace with Our Parents and the Past - The Power of Positive Doing<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I\u2019m fortunate to have found forgiveness in my heart \u2013 for all the ways I was hurt by my parents \u2013 and for myself for judging them so harshly for so long.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thepowerofpositivedoing\/2019\/08\/making-peace-with-our-parents-and-the-past.html\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Making Peace with Our Parents and the Past - 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