{"id":141,"date":"2019-04-26T02:51:59","date_gmt":"2019-04-26T02:51:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thepowerofpositivedoing\/?p=141"},"modified":"2019-04-26T02:56:38","modified_gmt":"2019-04-26T02:56:38","slug":"its-not-what-youre-saying-its-who-youre-being","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thepowerofpositivedoing\/2019\/04\/its-not-what-youre-saying-its-who-youre-being.html","title":{"rendered":"It’s Not What You’re Saying, It’s Who You’re Being"},"content":{"rendered":"

Years ago, I had a phone conversation with my friend J.R. and it didn\u2019t go well. I had planned in advance what I was going to say \u2014 as I knew she was calling me to complain about her love life. So I thought about what I would do in her situation and planned the advice I would give her. But for some reason, my advice went over like a lead balloon. She listened to what I told her, but the affect in her voice was flat and I could tell that the conversation had gone south. We ended the call and I felt lousy. Didn\u2019t know where I had gone wrong, but I knew it was a bummer of a conversation \u2014 despite my good intentions.<\/p>\n

Later that day, I was having a conversation with my son Michael, who is a very wise young man. I told him about my conversation with J.R. \u201cIt just didn\u2019t go well,\u201d I said. \u201cI don\u2019t know what happened. What do you think?\u201d<\/p>\n

He said, \u201cWho were you being in that conversation?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh?\u201d I replied. \u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, there\u2019s what you were saying \u2014 the words you were speaking. But there\u2019s also who you were being<\/em> \u2014 your attitude toward your friend. Who were you being?<\/em> Were you being \u2018I love you and support you no matter what you do\u2019 or were you being \u2018I know what\u2019s good for you so let me tell you how to run your love life?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh,\u201d I said. \u201cWho do you think I was being?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho do you<\/em>\u00a0think you were being?\u201d he replied.<\/p>\n

\u201cUh \u2026 I guess I was being \u2018let me tell you how to run your life,\u2019\u00a0\u201d I said. \u201cI guess I was being arrogant and condescending, acting like\u00a0I know what\u2019s best for her. I guess J.R. couldn’t hear what I was saying because of my attitude, because of who I was being.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYup, pretty much,\u201d he said. \u201cThat\u2019s what it sounds like to me.\u201d<\/p>\n

I thanked him for his feedback. And I never forgot the lesson he taught me: It\u2019s not what I\u2019m saying \u2014 it\u2019s \u201cwho I\u2019m being\u201d that makes all the difference in conversations.<\/em><\/p>\n

Who are you being in your conversations with your friends? With your family?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Who are you being with your coworkers? With your neighbors?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Who are you being on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and other social media?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Who are you being in your<\/em> conversations?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"BJ's<\/a>
BJ’s new book is “Your Life is Your Prayer” (Mango Publishing; April 2019)<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Years ago, I had a phone conversation with my friend J.R. and it didn\u2019t go well. I had planned in advance what I was going to say \u2014 as I knew she was calling me to complain about her love life. So I thought about what I would do in her situation and planned the…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":434,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[148,147,145,146,149,150],"class_list":["post-141","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-advice-giving","tag-attitude","tag-communication","tag-conversations","tag-friends","tag-girlfriends"],"yoast_head":"\nIt's Not What You're Saying, It's Who You're Being - The Power of Positive Doing<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"My friend couldn't hear what I was saying because of my attitude \u2013 because of who I was being.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, nofollow\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"It's Not What You're Saying, It's Who You're Being - 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She writes business books that educate and empower, women\u2019s books that enlighten and entertain, and gift books that inspire and inform. Whether her audience is corporate executives, working women, or a group of college student, her message is powerful, positive, as well as practical. She motivates and teaches with empathy, understanding, and more than a little humor. BJ\u2019s international best-seller, \"A Peacock in the Land of Penguins\" (Berrett-Koehler; third edition 2001), is now in 23 languages and has sold over 400,000 copies. Her recent books include: \"The Power of Positive DOING\" (Simple Truths) and \"If God Is Your Co-Pilot, Switch Seats\" (Hampton Roads). Her new book, \"Your Life Is Your Prayer\" (Mango Publishing) will be out in April 2019. BJ and her books have been featured on CBS Evening News, the Today show, Fox News, PBS, CNN, and other television and radio programs. She is quoted almost weekly in various newspapers, women\u2019s magazines, and websites including O the Oprah magazine, Redbook, Woman\u2019s World, Ladies Home Journal, First for Women, Time, Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Chicago Tribune, Hartford Courant, Denver Post, Los Angeles Times, Christian Science Monitor, Orlando Sentinel, Seattle Post-Intelligencer, and MSNBC.com, among others. BJ also conducts seminars and workshops. Her clients include: IBM, Chevron, Nissan, John Deere Credit Canada, Volkswagen, Farm Credit Services of America, Raytheon, Marathon Realty (Canada), U.S. Department of Interior, Veterans Administration, among others. 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