{"id":1057,"date":"2009-06-09T12:42:29","date_gmt":"2009-06-09T12:42:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.beliefnet.com\/theirbadmother\/2009\/06\/if-a-child-pees-in-the-forest-does-anybody-care.html"},"modified":"2009-06-09T12:42:29","modified_gmt":"2009-06-09T12:42:29","slug":"if-a-child-pees-in-the-forest-does-anybody-care","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/theirbadmother\/2009\/06\/if-a-child-pees-in-the-forest-does-anybody-care.html","title":{"rendered":"If A Child Pees In The Forest, Does Anybody Care?"},"content":{"rendered":"

Emilia has been toilet-trained since sometime last year. Which is awesome, because diaper and pull-up-pant changing are a drag. What is less awesome is the need to be constantly on the look-out for a bathroom because your small child can’t hold it in for more than five minutes.<\/p>\n

What is also less than awesome: dealing with a potty-desperate three-year old when there is no potty in sight. Which is when you need to pull out the big Bad Mother guns: you need to teach your child how to pee outside.<\/p>\n

Teaching a child how to pee outside – don’t give me that look, everybody has to pee outside sometime or another – is, in itself, pretty straightforward, especially for girls, who don’t need to worry about aim. The Double Daring Book For Girls<\/a>* devotes half a page to discussing the fine details of peeing al fresco, but the actual steps to a successful outdoor whizz are simple: find a private place, squat, and pull any loose clothing out of the line of fire. Easy. <\/p>\n

Easy, that is, if you’re a girl who’s willing to squat. Emilia is not willing to squat. Emilia understands that men and boys pee standing up, so why shouldn’t she?<\/i> So Emilia, when faced with the need to pee behind a bush, demanded to be shown how to do it without squatting. I, of course – never having mastered the art of peeing while standing – was unable to help her.<\/p>\n

Thankfully her Auntie Tanis<\/a> was there. Auntie Tanis knew what to do.<\/p>\n

“Just stand with your legs apart, sweetie. No, you don’t need to grab anything; there’s nothing there. Just hold your shirt up and SHOOT.”<\/p>\n

\"budge-pis.JPG\"<\/a><\/span>“Yeah, just like that. WATCH YOUR LEGS. Don’t want to splash!”<\/p>\n

\"budge-pis<\/a><\/span>“And just give yourself a little shake! Good! GREAT PEEING, SWEETIE!”<\/p>\n

It’s hard to not swell with maternal pride when your daughter really succeeds like that, you know? She now has one more skill – in addition to, among others, the ability to do the splits, bite her own toes, and eat her body weight in ice cream – that I do not and that, my friends, is a thing that both inspires and humbles and makes me just a little bit sad that I, as a girl, never learned to do anything but squat.<\/p>\n

*You should totally buy this book<\/a> if you have a girl or if you know somebody who used to be a girl or if you were a girl once yourself because, really, every girl and woman should know how surf, camp, build a rope ladder, become President, read the Attic Greek alphabet and, yes, pee outdoors.<\/i><\/p>\n

  <\/p>\n

<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Emilia has been toilet-trained since sometime last year. Which is awesome, because diaper and pull-up-pant changing are a drag. What is less awesome is the need to be constantly on the look-out for a bathroom because your small child can’t hold it in for more than five minutes. 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