{"id":1508,"date":"2021-08-03T12:54:06","date_gmt":"2021-08-03T16:54:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thecelebritytherapist\/?p=1508"},"modified":"2022-12-26T11:51:40","modified_gmt":"2022-12-26T16:51:40","slug":"is-your-early-trauma-picking-your-partners","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.beliefnet.com\/columnists\/thecelebritytherapist\/2021\/08\/is-your-early-trauma-picking-your-partners.html","title":{"rendered":"Is Your Early Trauma Picking Your Partners?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\"\"Most people have had at least one bad relationship in their life. For most individuals, this bad relationship was a blip on the radar, with the experience chalked up to a lesson learned.<\/div>\n
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However, there are also people who find themselves in the same toxic relationship over and over again. The partner may look different on the surface. Still, his behaviors, abusive ways, or emotional unavailability are exactly the same as the partners before.<\/div>\n
Why do some people bounce back after a toxic relationship and move on to a healthy relationship while others are destined to repeat the same negative relationship cycle? The surprising answer is that this behavior may be directly related to early trauma in your childhood years.<\/div>\n
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The Legacy of Childhood Trauma<\/b><\/div>\n
Childhood trauma is more common than most people assume. For example, in a 2017 study by Grant Sara and Julia Lappin published in The Lancet Public Health Journal, one in four adults reported they were physically abused as kids, and one in eight reported sexual abuse. \u00a0As stated in my book,\u00a0Love Smacked: How to Stop the Cycle of Relationship Addiction and Codependency to Find Everlasting Love <\/a>. “When we hold on to unresolved pain from childhood, especially trauma and abandonment, these wounds reemerge in adult relationships as toxic shame.”<\/div>\n
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Other types of childhood trauma can include:<\/div>\n
\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Loss of a parent \u2013 the death of a close family member or a significant person in a child’s life can create trauma if the child is not allowed to grieve or does not receive the care and attention required to work through the grief.<\/div>\n
\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Multiple homes \u2013 children that are moved from home to home either within a family or through the foster care system are often traumatized as they have no place of comfort or belonging.<\/div>\n
\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Bullying and fear \u2013 this can be bullying from siblings, parents, or even within a community. This can be a single significant event or chronic types of fearful situations without the parental support and care needed for the child.<\/div>\n
\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Abandonment \u2013 children that are abandoned with friends, relatives, strangers, or even the other parent can be traumatized very early in life.<\/div>\n
\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Addicted parents \u2013 children that live in homes where they must take care of siblings and even their parents are often traumatized as they feel overwhelmed and helpless.<\/div>\n
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Attachment Styles and Choosing Partners\u00a0<\/b><\/div>\n
Children that experience trauma early in life develop an anxious attachment style, which is sometimes called an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. These people are extremely fearful of being on their own as they obtain their validation and reason in life from being with someone else. Although they believe they need their partner for their identity, they often feel the partner does not care enough.<\/div>\n
Signs of an anxious or anxious preoccupied attachment style include:<\/div>\n
\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Extreme desire to please \u2013 these individuals will do anything to win the approval of their emotionally distant partners. This may include staying in physical abuse and toxic relationships.<\/div>\n
\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Clingy \u2013 the need to be physically close to the partner. This can initially seem attractive to some partners, but it quickly becomes overwhelming and smothering.<\/div>\n
\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Constant communication \u2013 in today’s always plugged-in world, this can include constant calling, texting, posting on social media, and even electronically tracking their partner.<\/div>\n
\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Constant reassurances \u2013 there is a constant need for reassurance the relationship is fine. This can become a constant in the relationship.<\/div>\n
\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Jumping into relationships \u2013 anxious attachment styles have short dating periods and then immediately into a serious and significant relationship.<\/div>\n
These types of individuals attract people who need attention. The narcissist is the prime example of an individual who seeks out a person with an anxious attachment style as they crave the need for attention.<\/div>\n
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Tips Identifying Toxic Relationships\u00a0<\/b><\/div>\n
It can be difficult to identify the signs of a toxic relationship if your childhood trauma has made it difficult to see the red flags in the relationship. Here are some tips you can use to determine if you are in a relationship with a toxic partner:<\/div>\n
\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Constant arguments \u2013 despite all you do to try to please the other person, it is never enough. You are always blamed for any difficulties or negativity.<\/div>\n
\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Jealousy \u2013 despite ignoring you or being emotionally distant, your partner may be very jealous of your relationships with others.<\/div>\n
\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Emotionally exhausted \u2013 taking responsibility for the happiness of another person while ignoring your own wellbeing is emotionally draining.<\/div>\n
\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Inability to end the relationship \u2013 if you believe you have to be in the relationship for your own happiness, despite being unhappy, and cannot break off the relationship, you may be in a toxic situation.<\/div>\n
Working with a therapist or counselor with experience in healing from childhood trauma is perhaps the best way to identify the problem and begin the healing process.\u00a0 You can also consider joining my online group coaching program\u00a0Wake Up Recovery<\/a>\u00a0where you will receive support from me, as well as those like minded souls who have been where you have been.<\/div>\n
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Sherry Gaba, LCSW and Transformation Coach<\/em><\/p>\n

Author of\u00a0Love Smacked:How to Stop the Cycle of Relationship Addiction and Codependency to find Everlasting Love<\/a><\/em><\/div>\n
And\u00a0Wake Up Recovery for Toxic Relationships, Codependency and Love Addiction<\/a><\/em><\/div>\n
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